Is my partner jealous? Or is it lack of validation?

[Ninetale]

Hello everyone, recently I went to a music festival with my BPDs/o and we were having a great time. She ended up having a bit of anxiety so she notified me that she was enjoying herself but she was on her phone to distract her from this. I validated her/asked if there was anything I could do to help. When she responded telling me she just wanted to distract herself with her phone I went about my time socializing with friends near us. At one point I was having a lengthy intellectual conversation with a friend while I was sitting next to my partner. As the conversation went on I saw her getting more and more agitated. Finally she texted me telling me I wasn’t giving her attention or hanging out with her. I reassured her that I was just having a pleasant conversation and I would wrap it up shortly. These words did nothing to help and only caused further agitation. Then agitation only increased as the shows went on and when I had to ask her to repeat things due to the volume of our surroundings.

Once my conversation wrapped up I received and earful about how this happens every time and how I never listen. I was having a great time before this, and despite trying to not let it get to me I couldn’t help but think that “this isn’t fair”.

She began to act angrily towards me in front of the company we were with and it started to make me feel embarrassed despite me letting it roll off my back with pleasant responses in return.

I like talking with my friends. I enjoy socializing at fun outings. How do I manage to still do things I enjoy doing with my s/o who also enjoys these things without unintentionally forcing a split when she becomes fed up with me talking to people? Is this a jealousy response on her part? Was I not giving enough validation? Do I just let it ride and let her be angry the entire time next time and let her self soothe while we are with company?

I don’t want to be stuck inside because of this, but I’d be lying if I didn’t feel like deep inside it ruined my time (something I would never say out loud). I love this person but I feel like during these moments there is an aspect of feeling stuck between a rock and a hard place, like I don’t have a win condition that would make things better in this specific situation. Yet at the same time being unwilling to cut this hobby out all together.

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[Jabiru]

I like talking with my friends. I enjoy socializing at fun outings. How do I manage to still do things I enjoy doing with my s/o who also enjoys these things without unintentionally forcing a split when she becomes fed up with me talking to people? Is this a jealousy response on her part? Was I not giving enough validation? Do I just let it ride and let her be angry the entire time next time and let her self soothe while we are with company?

I don't think there's a 100% solution. Try going by yourself sometimes and enjoy yourself. Yes, it might be because of jealousy and fear of abandonment. I personally wouldn't worry on the amount of validation. Do what feels natural to you. People with BPD have difficulty managing their emotions so small things can swell into big things. More important and controllable is to not be invalidating. It's up to you on what to do. I would probably take my uBPD wife to the side and ask what she wants to do. If she wants to leave then I'd probably be ok with that but go by myself next time.

[Ninetale]

Yeah, I wish there was something I could do to find a method to help with this situation. Like I said this is something we both enjoy doing and I think I’d genuinely feel bad if I went alone and left her at home to think of the good time im having. I’m not sure leaving her at home would be a remedy solely due to the fact I know she would be sad she is missing out. Generally we have a great time like 80% of the time, but almost every time we’ve done something like this there’s 20% where she becomes upset about one thing or another and unless I can offer up something to make her happy she will stay upset and say her night is ruined. Im just extremely torn, but like I said I don’t want to give this hobby up. I feel like it would be me self isolating and that’s the last thing I want to do. Yet I don’t want a fair portion of the night to be spent trying to “fix” things that are unfixable when I’ve already validated and communicated as much as I possibly can.

If it’s jealousy, I’m unsure how to go about helping with that. These are all innocent conversations I’m partaking in, but the moment it’s become “too much time” to her when talking with friends I get called back and scolded for not paying attention to her or not caring about her needs.

In terms of offering to leave that’s is another matter. In this situation specifically I spent a few hundred bucks to make this happen for us, and leaving early would have made me feel some level of resentment(and fortunately she did not express that she wanted to leave). Maybe in the future I’ll stick to smaller, more local events that won’t feel as bad if she did express wanting to go home, and we can work our way up from there.