Has anyone experienced a break in your relationship with your BPD partner

[Skilmeragain]

Today my girlfriend needed a break from our relationship. I recently accused her of cheating twice in one week. I got to a point where I was tracking her social media because I myself have my own abandonment issues and IMO probably qualify as having BPD but am likely the quiet expression. I watched her do a few suspicious things as well as send me a meme about cheating that made me really uneasy and from there I went down the rabbit hole. So I self sabotaged the relationship in an effort to test the relationship. I really wanted to resolve the issue and we were having hard time so at the invitation of my therapist I asked her if she would join me in a couples therapy session, which she agreed to. What I did not realize is how little she wanted to and how pressured she felt. Afterwards we got in an argument about the experience. She blamed me for everything, that I didn’t care she was uncomfortable in the session and forced her to go. But I made it clear that she didn’t have to. She felt upset because I had obviously told the therapist so much about her and our relationship but she knew nothing about her. She was also hurt because I didn’t take her word for it that she wasn’t cheating that I took my therapist to calm me down and put it into perspective. Which I can understand. I feel extremely guilty and ashamed for the way I behaved for disrespecting and hurting her so much by accusing her. I had no real evidence and it ultimately damage a lot of her trust in our relationship. She feels extremely controlled, and that I’m analyzing her every move. She asked tonight for a break in our relationship and I’m pretty nervous of what to expect. Has anyone experienced a break like this? Or experienced falsely accusing their partner of cheating?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Skilmeragain]

Alright I can safely say this is not one of my proudest moments.

My girlfriend and I are in a long distance relationship and recently we’ve run in to a really rough patch. I have BPD and she does as well, After a moment of insecurity and fear of my own abandonment being triggered, I ended up accusing her of falsely cheating not once but twice in a week period. After she sent me a very distasteful meme that referenced cheating I became super hyper aware and looking for any little thing to prove it right. One night after FaceTiming she faked falling asleep on me which I thought was suspicious and then due to my suspicions I  ended up looking at the snapchat map after she fell asleep and it showed her not in her dorm room and in another I ended up accusing her of cheating. The first time we were able to talk it out and I explained how insecure I had been feeling in the relationship. But then I did it again a second time in a week after promising her I wouldn’t. Low and behold she showed me it glitching and it showing her in a different location. I realize how much I’m self sabotaging and letting my own paranoid ideation wreak havoc in our relationship. I see a therapist and we are working toward addressing my paranoia.  

Ever since the incident she has been extremely closed off emotionally, she even told me that she doesn’t know if there is anything left. We are both trying to do our best to rebuild the relationship, but I’m worried I’ve finally hit the point where we cannot recover and she has truly painted me all black. We are still FaceTiming every night but I worry those same feelings of love for me don’t exist inside her anymore. I realize that it may take some time to work through her feelings of anger and betrayal. Especially with something as serious as this. It was a huge breach of trust in our relationship and i know how bad it hurt her. I’ve been beating myself up incredibly hard, to monitor her activity like that is incredibly controlling and disrespectful to her.. Ever since everything transpired she has been so guarded since the incident happened, It has been 2 days of nothing but unemotional almost business like dialogue. I am doing my best to stay positive and keep maintaining our plans for me visiting her in the next month and we have another visit planned in dec.

My question is, have I reached that point of no return where she is just hanging on due to our history and her own fear of abandonment?

And how do I respond to these periods of unemotional feelings? Do I avoid being emotional with her until she is ready and feeling more open again? I know that she may need time to build trust back up especially with something so serious.

[Cat Familiar]

You seem to clearly understand her perspective. How have you communicated this to her?

[Skilmeragain]

Yes we have talked about it pretty extensively and communicated both our feelings about the relationship. Things have slowly day by day gotten a bit better but she is still very closed off. Today is the first day she has told me I love you in over a week but it all seems so forced. We haven’t seen each other in over a month and she barely shows any excitement for when I’m coming to visit in sept. I’m trying to stay hopeful, every once in awhile I get glimpse of that same cute and bubbly girl that I fell for, but I also understand this is the other part of who she is. I just hope there is some hope for salvaging our relationship.

[Skilmeragain]

Is this what it’s like to be painted black?

[Skilmeragain]

I just re read your question, the first time I never expressed it openly, I just went and her accused her. Last night we actually got on the topic of my insecurity within the relationship last night after she told me she was going out with some friends. She asked me if I was mad because I looked nervous, (likely she was testing me to judge my reaction considering my accusations recently). I was nervous but I did my best to communicate my insecurity and my feelings within our relationship and the fact I’m concerned because she hadn’t said I love you to me in almost a week. So I feel as if we are hanging on by a thread and I’m just worried about our relationship but I also don’t want her to force feelings that aren’t there. Since that conversation she opened up a little more emotionally today. I think it was her gauging my reaction because the last time I accused her I just played off as if everything was okay that morning and then accused her. She expressed to Me she has been concerned and just waiting for that sort of reaction again. The issue is the fact we both have BPD, she’s more externalizing and I’m very internalizing. So I don’t express my emotions and she outwardly expresses her.  I think there is hope as long as we start communicating our feelings and to be honest she has come such a long way from where we started. She doesn’t give me the silent treatment half as much as she used to and she does a much better job expressing to me how she’s feeling. Sometimes it just takes some time and space for her to get to that point. And personally after this experience I’ve been really trying to work on self soothing my paranoid ideation.

And I’ve explained how much I understand why she has felt the way she has and validated those feelings because we’ve talked pretty extensively. The fact of the matter is I didn’t trust her and she feels very hurt and also controlled because of the monitoring. Another thing that she was upset about was that I didn’t take her word for it and it only took till my therapist told me that this behavior was not only self sabotaging but also borderline abusive and it hit pretty hard. And that was one more slap in the face as she put it because I trusted the word of another person but not my own girlfriend. Which I can understand where she is coming from. We did reach a point where she told me that it was not the worst thing possible in our relationship.

[Cat Familiar]

It’s understandable that she is a little hesitant to trust you after the *incident*. It will take time for her to rebuild that trust and you will need to be supportive and understanding. Should your paranoia re-emerge with another accusation, this could potentially end the relationship.

[Skilmeragain]

Yeah I know I have to understand that the process may take a long while. It sucks because I had therapy today and I told her about it and it retriggered all her feelings about the incident and our disaster of a couples therapy session. She’s also now so hyper sensitive to everything, any little instance of disappointment gets her upset. Which I’m not saying is wrong because I get it because she’s just trying to protect herself again. Like I’m not as engaging because there’s not as much to talk about and she’s not necessarily being that responsive when I’m calling her pet names so I’m trying to back off a bit and it sucks alittle because to know I’m traveling so far to see her and there be no enthusiasm is a little disheartening. And then I get nervous myself because of that and then she feels as if I’m angry at her. Im doing my best to stay supportive and I don’t want to end up making her feel guilty. And I also am trying to express to her when I’m upset in a healthy manner. Do you have any advice? Should I avoid talking about her lack of enthusiasm?

[Cat Familiar]

How would you feel if the situation was reversed and you were the one feeling hypersensitive and unenthusiastic? Would you want to discuss that?

[Skilmeragain]

You’re right, my cognitive empathy is pretty low so sometimes I feel like I miss the billet there. Especially since my own fear of abandonment has been so triggered of late so I’m in fight or flight a lot of the time. I’m abit worried she is just clinging onto the relationship because she is scared of confrontation or so afraid of abandonment. Every time I talk about wishing I could hug her or anything, she is so distant. Making a lot less time to talk to me when she’s busy,  No affection whatsoever, we have gotten to the point of saying I love you again. But we still talk about our future visits  And last night she called me upset because she couldn’t sleep for a big test she had today. It’s so confusing what she actually wants.  I don’t know whether I should be less affectionate and start focusing on myself because she is honestly not giving me much to work with lately. And her calls have been getting shorter and shorter. She’s always busy now. Is chasing her like this making myself too available for her?