Anxious about UBPD sibling coming to visit after 2 years and recent NC

[Mommydoc]

My uBPD sibling is coming to visit for a few days next week.  Initially, I was feeling OK, but the FOG is beginning, (even before she arrives) and I need support and guidance. 

Background for those who don’t know my story:  My father passed away a few years ago, and my mother has advanced Parkinsons.  My parents moved to be close to me, about 10 years ago to support them, and made me health care POA, as I am a physician.  My uBPD sister has been very resentful and difficult to work with regarding my mothers care, refusing to even acknowledge that I am the health care decision maker.  She went NC with me in April  for a couple months and recently surfaced (text only) as she started to plan this trip, which she expects my mom’s trust to pay for. 

I have been getting very cryptic information from her, what she wants to share.  For example, she was planning a bday party for my mom, told my housekeeper and my son, but not me.  (Previously when she has come she has planned events with my moms friend and excluded me, so par for the course).  She is coming next week and 2 days ago, mentioned she wanted to have a bday celebration for mom, and that me or my husband needed to help with driving mom’s 90 year old friend to/from the train station an hour away, so she could come.  Fortunately, out of town friend, decided not to come, before I could respond one way or another.  No other details on the celebration, wondering if any real plans have been made. 

Her travel plans have been on/off, related to her son’s refusal to get vaccinated, but he finally got first vaccination, so back on as of a couple days ago.  This morning I got a series of texts from her. Summary:  “You are my sister and I love you. I want this trip to be about family and mom. My son is making some personal sacrifices to be a part of this. That has been part of our “hold up” in planning. I am very proud of him to make these choices. This year, he has learned, first hand, that life is precious and to live in the present.  He is very excited to get to know his family. He is particularly excited to spend time with his cousin. In addition to being related and looking a lot alike, they have a lot in common.”

Overall, positive and seemingly benign, but  what I pick up is, your son, better spend time with my son, his cousin, even though he just committed to coming.   My son (24) is overwhelmed right now with a big work assignment deadline and may not be able to “ take off from work” next week to spend time with his ( 5years younger) cousin.  There is history of my sister having very high expectations of my son to meet the needs of her son.  Fortunately my daughter is out of town.

At this point (keeps changing), she is arriving on Wed night and leaving early Saturday afternoon. I invited them to stay with us at our “staycation house” the first night and arranged for my son, husband and I to have a late work start Th morning so we can go out to breakfast.   I anticipate that I will need to cancel my Saturday morning work out routine, to do a bday celebration with her family and my mom, but dreading the expectations that are likely to come for us to “ spend time as a family” that are going to get dumped on us.

She has treated me horribly this year, and I have  no real desire to spend time with her, but I do welcome the opportunity for things to be better than they have been. I am trying to be open but have boundaries.   I think her family’s visit is a great thing for my mom who hasn’t seen her grandson in 5 years, or my sister in 2 years.   Trying to balance my needs with my mom’s needs and navigate.   

Guidance and support needed.

[Methuen]

Hi Mommydoc,

Oh man, I so empathize with the sudden and abrupt feeling of anxiety that overtakes when some event is approaching or happening. You have done so much preparation of every kind (mental, legal, medical, social: inviting your sister, emotional: working your way through all this BPD stuff), that I'm confident you will navigate whatever unfolds.  Having said that, I so "get" the deer in the headlights feeling...just before something is about to unfold.  All I can share is what I am finding works best for me.  Slow down the breathing.  I do this with yoga or a walk in the woods.  Do whatever you do to find your calm self, so the brain can continue to function and perform the way we need it to and when we need it to.  Not sure if you practice mindfulness; I'm still working on developing those skills, but I find that being aware of how I'm feeling, and putting effort to living in the moment and being mindful, can help.  I now use an app "Headspace" (usually at night if my brain is racing) recommended by my T, but there are many others out there.  In all your other posts, you have said all the right things.  You've got this.    Just be a grey rock if you need to.   Trust yourself to manage this the same way you trust yourself with your job.  The skills are not dissimilar.  This is just another challenge you will get through.    Anyone reading this can remind me of these same things the next time I get that panic/fear/anxiety before or during some upset or approaching event.  Could this anxiety be a result of operant conditioning of our amygdula?  Just a curious thought.  I don't know much about it, but I do recognize the pattern in myself too.  At any rate Mommydoc, I have complete confidence in your ability to navigate all of this. You will do your best, and that is all you can do.  

If your son is free and desires to participate, that's his choice.  If he doesn't, that's his choice to.  The language of innuendo and obligation used by your sister to influence your son's activities over the weekend should be treated the same way it would be treated by someone you or he hardly knows.

dreading the expectations that are likely to come for us to “ spend time as a family”

You could ask her if she wants to spend alone time with your mom (capitalize on her visit), and plant those seeds in her head.  On the other hand, one up side of spending time as a family is that you have an idea what she is saying and what is going on.  At least it's a short weekend - 3 or 4 nights if I remember right - and not a week or two.  I find with my family the honeymoon is over after the second day, and it's the 3rd day I  have to watch myself.  

Best of luck.



  

[Mommydoc]

Thank you Methuen. My plan is to swim ( which is my ultimate meditative state) or do guided meditation every day.  I know I can get through it, and my husband /son have my back.  Her stated intent is positive family time, and I truly believe we can achieve it if I don’t end up alone with her. She adores my son, and won’t behave badly in front of him. The real challenge is for me to grey rock/if when appropriate  .  Not natural for me, but I am pretty sure I can do it with support.  I have a wonderful national parks, hiking/cycling trip planned with my husband after she leaves so I am going to anchor to that.  I truly want this to be positive for my mom, which is highly motivating for me.  Thank you so much for your insights and support. 

[Notwendy]

I can relate to the anxiety too. Remember to focus on self care when you need it. The not telling you all the plans part is something my BPD mother does too. She doesn't reveal all she's wanting or thinking- it gives her a sense of control.

I try to also keep in mind to "pick my battles". If the visit is short, consider is it worth arguing over? Of course keep the boundaries that are important to you. If she does something like change the flavor of the birthday cake, or the menu, or the time or some thing that annoys you but isn't a bigger issue, consider if it's worth the energy to intervene. Important boundaries of course are your mother's safety, your job, the finances- to the extent of the trust- protecting it legally from being exploited too much. My BPD mother would have us return to the store because we bought the wrong brand of paper towels or something like that, but those are things I'd just go along with rather than argue over due to the short visit.

If drama happens, you can take a time out. " I need to think about this" "I will get back to you".

[Methuen]

my husband /son have my back

Her stated intent is positive family time, and I truly believe we can achieve it if I don’t end up alone with her.

This is the key right here.  When my mom is ramping up or dysregulating or I'm afraid, my H comes with me and we see her together.  H has been attending T with me for the past year, and my T is adamant that I not be alone with her during these high risk times.  You and I are extremely fortunate that we have these relationships that "have our backs".  Many don't, and must navigate these situations without a partner. My heart goes out to people who don't have what we have.  H and I were married for 31 years before he bore witness to one of mom's rages.  Before then, it was impossible for him to understand what it was like.  She always picked her moments and found me alone.  After that, he "got it".  He was in disbelief after 31 years... So not being alone with her is probably key.  As you know, it can flip from neutral to disastrous in the flick of a switch.  Those moments are the hardest to deal with because once we are triggered the amygdula just seems to take over, panic sets in, and "grey rock" is hard to do without them perceiving that we are panicked.  Not being alone with her is a solid strategy.

I have a wonderful national parks, hiking/cycling trip planned with my husband after she leaves so I am going to anchor to that.

 

 

I truly want this to be positive for my mom, which is highly motivating for me.

 

I'm going off the grid into the wilderness for a week starting tomorrow, but I hope the visit goes as well as it can.  You have done a lot of preparation, and you will do your best.  The rest is out of your control.  Take it as it comes, and I hope it goes better than expected.  I look forward to catching up on how it went once I'm back home and back on the grid.

[zachira]

I am sad to hear about all the dysfunctional drama you are anticipating from your sister's upcoming visit and how you are trying to figure out the best ways to balance your mom's needs and yours while maintaining the best boundaries you can with your sister. The best piece of advice I was ever given by my therapist about what to do when in the presence of disordered people was to focus on how I was feeling inside. This really helped and stopped me from suddenly being emotionally overwhelmed by the dysregulated emotions and crazy making behaviors of the disordered people while they were taking place and afterwards.
Your anxiety about what your sister will do when she is visiting your mother is normal based on how you can never feel safe around her.
We are here to support you as always.

[Naughty Nibbler]

HEY MOMMYDOC:
Others have already given you some good advice.  Thought I'd add to it, with some thoughts/logic that might be beneficial.

At this point (keeps changing), she is arriving on Wed night and leaving early Saturday afternoon. I invited them to stay with us at our “staycation house” the first night and arranged for my son, husband and I to have a late work start Th morning so we can go out to breakfast.

I anticipate that I will need to cancel my Saturday morning work out routine, to do a bday celebration with her family and my mom, but dreading the expectations that are likely to come for us to “ spend time as a family” that are going to get dumped on us.

Sounds like most of the days have specific plans: Wed. night, Thurs. morning & Sat morning.  Things may change, but looks like Thurs. (after breakfast) and Friday are the most uncertain right now.

It could help you to plan your responses/positions regarding the rest of the day on Thurs. and then Friday.

I believe you mentioned that you sister will ask for the trust to pay for her visit. The reimbursement possibilities might be something to think about in advance:

• Do you pay for the 3 of them for everything, just for your sister or some point inbetween?
• Is it worth negotiating?  i.e., you set a target amount amount & negotiate from there?
• Do you want to talk about the fact that this type of expenditure will drain the funds for your mom's care.  Do you kick the can down the road, to discuss later? Do you clarify that you aren't using trust money for your own time and efforts and only use it for your mom's care & direct needs?

In addition to using Grey Roc, some of the strategies below could be helpful:

SET: Perhaps, practice a couple of SET responses (Support, Empathy, Truth)

"I-STATEMENT": Maybe a few "I Statement":  i.e. I feel _______, when ________happens.  What I need is _______

DON'T INVALIDATE FEELINGS:  Maybe practice a few statements that would validate her feelings (in anticipation to a few possible situations).  Minimally, don't invalidate by word, expression or body language.

THE BIRTHDAY PARTY: Sometimes, plan for the worst and hope for the best is a good strategy to use.  If you haven't already done this, you might want to check with your mom's facility to see if perhaps a room/area was reserved for the party or some other assistance.

In case you are asked about cake, food and decorations for the party, what might your response be?  What are some possible sources for mom's favorite type of cake or take out food.  Maybe have some decorations on hand, that could be used for a different birthday celebration (or have a source to recommend).

It could help, to think about some options.  It may give you a little comfort to have

There is history of my sister having very high expectations of my son to meet the needs of her son.

but  what I pick up is, your son, better spend time with my son, his cousin, even though he just committed to coming.

Since you sister likes your son, probably best to let him prepare for and respond to your sister and cousin directly. Sounds like he is attending the Thurs. morning breakfast.  Perhpas he is attending the birthday celebration.  

Perhaps it would be good for your son to have some possible replies prepared in advance.  His positions can be that he has no available time, beyond the Thurs. breakfast & the Sat. party,  he could commit to some time on Thurs or Fri. evening, or make something tentative.  

If you aren't already using the app "Insight Timer" for meditations, you might give it a try. There is a lot to offer for free.  If you like the app, the premium version is well worth it.

Hang in there.  Staying focused on the fun ahead of you, after your sister leaves, is a good thing. Keep reminding yourself that you have the support of your husband and son & it's only a few days.

[formflier]

 

Wish you son the best on his big work assignment, it will be what it is.  Maybe he can zoom for a "meeting or two".

Has anything else come up about the money/paying for the trip?   Have they asked for anything ahead of time?

Side note:  How is your Mom doing?  What is her level of awareness about all this?

Not sure if I've ever mentioned, my Mom is at very early stages of vascular dementia.  She is still a "diamond" if you look up Teepa Snows rating charts.  She is 100% in denial about her diagnosis...I've actually seen her wag her finger at a Dr and emphatically state "and I.. DON"T... HAVE... DEMENTIA..."    (note..MRI says otherwise)

Thankfully as long as I use "tools" and keep emotions near neutral she is 100% compliant.  She has several procedures for non dementia things lined up in next few weeks...so I need to buckle up.

Anyway..we can buckle up together and ride this thing out...we'll do our best and it will be.

Best,

FF

[Mommydoc]

I want to express my deep gratitude for the incredible advice and support.  I am soaking it all up and feeling as prepared as I can be.  She and son arrive this evening.

we can buckle up together and ride this thing out...we'll do our best and it will be.

Good luck with your mom FF, and you expressed my feelings exactly.  It will be a rollercoaster, but I am feeling ready.

Hang in there.  Staying focused on the fun ahead of you, after your sister leaves, is a good thing. Keep reminding yourself that you have the support of your husband and son & it's only a few days.

Thank you for the detailed advice NaughtyNibbler.  I am absorbing all of it and trying to put it in use. She was supposed to arrive tomorrow night and told me yesterday she is arriving tonight.  The one thing that is consistent is she changes her plans constantly, so to some degree, I expected it.  An extra day is OK, and I am trying to go with the flow. My husband is frustrated though.

focus on how I was feeling inside

Zachira, thank you so much for that.  For me, I am always so focused on everyone else’s comfort and emotions and in the tough moments with her, sometimes, just numb out or go into my shell.  I generally have good self awareness, but if I can really hyper focus on my own feelings, and the outcomes I seek for this time, I feel like I can handle it. 

I try to also keep in mind to "pick my battles". If the visit is short, consider is it worth arguing over? Of course keep the boundaries that are important to you. If she does something like change the flavor of the birthday cake, or the menu, or the time or some thing that annoys you but isn't a bigger issue, consider if it's worth the energy to intervene

NotWendy, that is a great strategy.  It has worked in the past, and I think I am mentally in a good place to do this.  In addition to husband/son, one of my BFFs who has known my sister for decades and understands BPD, is hanging out with us, next couple days and is committed to helping me manage through it.

You've got this.  Doing the right thing Just be a grey rock if you need to.  Doing the right thing Trust yourself to manage this the same way you trust yourself with your job.  The skills are not dissimilar.  This is just another challenge you will get through.   Anyone reading this can remind me of these same things the next time I get that panic/fear/anxiety before or during some upset or approaching event.

Methuen, have a great time at National Parks, will be following you next week!  Appreciate your support and advice.

Depending on how it goes, I will post real time updates as we go.  Appreciate all of you, as we navigate similar challenges together.  Thank you.

[formflier]

So..did I read this correctly...she will be here tonight (as in a few hours from now)?  Does she ever offer an explanation for the changes?

  For me, I am always so focused on everyone else’s comfort and emotions and in the tough moments with her, sometimes, just numb out or go into my shell.  

I'm going to suggest that you actually embrace this, especially for the duration of the visit.

I'm guessing doctors have a similar "emotional ability" as pilots to set aside the "hold crap look what is happening" and focus on the job at hand.  Once it's over, then all the emotions hit.

At least for me it was and still is a good skill to have, I've come to realize that I need to do lots of self care (much more than I used to) to properly care for those "episodes".

What is the current date where they predict they are going to leave?

Best,

FF

[Mommydoc]

Yup, it’s how she rolls!  No, explanation.  I think she changed her reservation after I invited her to staycation house, but never told me.  ( I didnt ask her to come a day early).  Still leaving Saturday.   I am in a very good place, staycation has been perfect and real vacation to follow is going to be the emotional respite I need from work and everything! 

[formflier]

Wow...so all of this for 3 days in town, plus two travel days? 

Do you have any sense of how much she travels for her job and in the rest of her life?

Best,

FF

[Mommydoc]

I survived day 1! It wasn’t without drama, and wasn’t great, but one day down.

Her flight got delayed, so she arrived after midnight. We left the door open and I left her my key.  In the morning, she left her son sleeping in the room and went straight to see my mom, without any of us seeing her, even though we were up. We exchanged pleasant texts through the morning, after I got to work, I encouraged her to come to kitchen/living area and enjoy breakfast with family, plenty of food choices.  Apparently, she came down with son, around lunch time, looked in fridge and left without talking to my husband or friend who were there. She and son went to pool and she kept texting my husband to join them, but he was working!

 Lots of drama and emotion on text regarding her husband who had “injured himself, couldn’t walk, had numbness in legs and was refusing medical care”.  After getting more of the story, he had sciatic pain, and decided to fly home from his business trip, and opted for a wheelchair at the airport. He had seen a doctor via video, but hadn’t gone to the ER.  She was super emotional about it, and kept referencing “ after what happened on our trip” . When I asked what had happened, she was horrified I didnt remember, that he had an episode of chest pain a few years on a plane (which had turned out to be anxiety).  I wonder if husband ever intended to come.

She knew I had a work dinner, but my husband, friend and son were planning dinner with them.  She acted all excited about it, but then stayed in her room and didn’t come down at the planned time. They left her alone and she and son ate separately.  They did hang out, my nephew watching football with husband, and she hung out with our friend ( who she has known for 30 years).  Friend said she totally saw the dysfunction,  she trashed me several times. In one case, distorting a story from a ski trip 20 years ago, characterizing me as abandoning my newborn... friend politely shared her recollection, with completely different details. Also, apparently ranted about my mom’s deterioration, blaming it on the facility and how they “isolated her” during COVID.  Friend pointed out how many elderly people died of COVID and that their efforts likely saved my mom from getting COVID, but she bought none of it. 

When I got home, I gave her a hug, and we chatted for about 30 minutes, fairly superficial conversation.  She then announced she wanted to go on a hike with her son ( it was getting dark, so really odd).  He didn't want to, so they went to bed. I tried to engage nephew and was only moderately successful. We had made plans to have breakfast at the resort this morning, and I had blocked my schedule for a later start. She said, oh that was when my husband was coming, I have been blowing off work and really need to do some work, so then I suggested how about I make breakfast, and she ignored me, and didn’t commit. 

So far, better than expected.  No outbursts, but is very aloof towards me and when I have not been around, has been expressing lots of negativity.  My husband thinks she is going to create drama because she wants my mom in hospice, which she doesn’t qualify for it  (yet).  My mom’s doctor and I have both explained it to her and yet she doesn’t accept it.  She doesn’t explain what benefit she thinks my mom would get that she isn’t getting from palliative care, it appears symbolic to her. 

As it stands, we are all here together now in the same house, minimal interaction, with no real plans together since breakfast appears to be off.  She just texted me she is going to my mom’s facility and is going to work from there.  I make up that her anger is boiling beneath the surface and she is not going to be able to control it.  But she seems to be avoiding us despite her stated desire to spend time together.  Weird but could be worse, so I am just looking at the clock and counting down, and looking forward to vacation. 

[formflier]

Oh my...I somehow missed the detail of you guys being in the same house.  Your house?

1 day down.  You can do this.

Best,

FF

[Naughty Nibbler]

As it stands, we are all here together now in the same house, minimal interaction, with no real plans together since breakfast appears to be off.  She just texted me she is going to my mom’s facility and is going to work from there.  I make up that her anger is boiling beneath the surface and she is not going to be able to control it.  But she seems to be avoiding us despite her stated desire to spend time together.  Weird but could be worse, so I am just looking at the clock and counting down, and looking forward to vacation. 

Mommydoc:
You are doing a good job of handling things!  It's good that you have a mutual family friend there, who has your back.

You mention your sister "working".  Is this an occasional check-in with work, or is this a working vacation for her?

Any discussion about the birthday party yet (plans for food, etc.)?

Are they moving to a hotel today or has the one-night stay been extended?

It's sad that she appears to have control over her son, but he has probably learned that he needs to appease her to escape her wrath.  It makes it hard for him to get to know your immediately family.  Mom has likely bad mouthed you and your immediately family so much that avoidance could be his survival strategy.

Hang in there!  Vacation, Vacation, Vacation - around the corner.  Maybe imagine that you are on a survival course, while your sister is there.  You will survive the course.

[Mommydoc]

FF, for the last 2 days, we were together in the staycation house. We checked out this morning and I am now home.

Naughty Nibbler my nephew and sister moved to a hotel today. It is impossible for me to know about her “ work”.   I get the sense she is not working much but she doesn’t share that with me. It was her way of avoiding me. Yes I am sure she bad mouths me with her son, but he is also painfully shy.  I hope to have an independent relationship with him some day, but it is not something I can bank on.  I don’t think he is enmeshed but I feel sorry for him.

I thought the invite to the staycation would set things up positively but not really. I barely saw her,  in fact she spent more time with my friend than me. Clearly avoiding me. Aloof towards my husband and nice towards my friend.   We were supposed to have breakfast at the resort before I went to work this morning.  She agreed to breakfast a week ago, and then totally  blew me and my family off. She changes her plans minute to minute.   She left really early this morning for my mom’s facility with only a text to me and my husband.   I went to work and haven’t heard from her since. She did show back up to check out. No discussion of any other  plans or mention of Saturday.  It’s kind of like NC in the same house. I am sick of making the effort with her.

I am in the thick of a lot of other things at work and personally, and I realize that her avoiding me is better than her verbally abusing me, or guilting me.  Bottom line, I am happy my mom is getting to spend time with her and we are half way through.  Even if it gets worse I can get through this. 

This evening I got a call that my mom had complained of hip pain via my sister.  The nurse gave her Tylenol and it resolved, but apparently, my sister told her to call her back to report back on her pain.  They know she is not POA and wanted to check with me, I told them fine, but to make sure she was aware that they had checked with me first.  If I wasn’t in the middle of it, it would almost be comical her intense effort to take control. 

thanks for listening

[Marsha9000]

I’m late to this thread. I had a problem with my uBPD sister today and come here to read other peoples similar stories to remind myself I’m not crazy.

I had to laugh out loud when I read the part of the original post that summarized her texts, “your my sister and I love you. I want this trip to be about family and mom.” .,..

No wonder you felt stressed and the inevitable drama upon you. My sister says these things too, but the translation is “ ME, ME, ME! “ “I’m going to make sure everyone knows that I want this to be about family and mom so that when you ruin it I can point my finger at you and everyone will know how horrible you are!”

Why do we have to “get through it” and tolerate the constraint drama and rollercoaster? Why is it on us to always be the bigger person?

I’m sorry I’m not the best help. I read your part as well about being tired of trying and that’s where I am today.

[formflier]

I thought the invite to the staycation would set things up positively but not really. 

I kinda remember now there might have been two houses or perhaps I didn't put it together that "staycation" was no in your own house.  So basically an airbnb type of thing..right?

Anyway..back to the part I have quoted up above.  I think this was genius move and I also think it is important to explain why for all that may come by this thread in the future.

1.  I think this is an excellent example of letting them "react" to you instead of you reacting to them.  It's one of the more frustrating things of a pwBPD that you are always scratching your head wondering what do to now.  She was not able to claim she loves you, family family family and also blow of the staycation offer at the same time.

2.  I would encourage you and others to remember that most likely she is bad mouthing you to her son, the maid and random other people.  Yet remember..it's not about badmouthing you or anything you actually did although it may appear so at first glance.  This is about her releasing some of her inner turmoil/trying to make the "facts" and "feelings" of the world match up.

3.  You put in a position where you are NOT validating the invalid and also made it harder for her to make facts and feelings align..and letting her deal with the fallout/herself.  We all agree on her likely opinion of you, yet you invite her in and show hospitality.  How do you think your actions match up with the feelings she often has about you?   Oh..back to validating the invalid.  It's invalid that two sisters can't spend a bit of time together "for Mom"...yet you know she has had those thoughts AND blamed you for this.  So now..she has reality to wrestle with for a while.  Watch with a wry grin.

 

Best,

FF

[Mommydoc]

Thanks FF, that is a great perspective and one I couldn’t see on my own in the moment.  Day #3/4, on the home stretch. 

It is interesting to me, because in the past, she was superficially friendly to my husband and son.  This time, she isn’t even trying with them.  They are both fine, though I think my son, in the past, maybe felt that “if I acted differently” that my sister would respond differently.  This time he is experiencing her differently and he understands its not him.

I told my husband, I thought it was too bad, as there was an opportunity to get to a better place.  He feels like there was never an opportunity...perhaps he is right.  I feel really good that my mom got to see and spend time with her grandson and daughter.  It means a lot to her.

[formflier]

This was an "opportunity"...you opened the door even wider.  It would appear she is choosing NOT to walk through the door towards hospitality.

Have you guys had the "family dinner"?  Will there be an opportunity to ask her if she has the records she needs (some detail like that) or "if all of that is ok?"  (remember...you are giving her the "easy door" to say all is ok.)

Note...remember to follow up with your son after this over.  Appreciation for his support and "just one of those frustrating things" when people are "inexplicable". 

Best,

FF

[Naughty Nibbler]

I told my husband, I thought it was too bad, as there was an opportunity to get to a better place.  He feels like there was never an opportunity...perhaps he is right.  I feel really good that my mom got to see and spend time with her grandson and daughter.  It means a lot to her.

I think the behavior of one person can minimize the degree of overall bad behaviors that take place, but it takes 2 to actually get to an overall better place.  It's a shame that she has dug her heels in.

The visit is almost over & it's great that you feel good that your mom had a visit with both your sister & nephew. That achievement, without a high level of drama, may be as good as it gets.

Hope there isn't any major drama for the birthday party on Saturday.  If your sister has not mentioned her plans for the Saturday party yet,  maybe the mutual family friend would be a good person to check in with your sister i.e. "can she bring anything to the party?"  "Need help with anything"?

There may not be a winning action with the party.  You are likely to be dammed if you do and then dammed, if you don't. 

[Mommydoc]

We are at the finish line.  A few good things. My  son reached out to her yesterday, she didn’t initially reply, but today she invited him to dinner tonight with she and her son.   It went OK from his perspective.  I had a conversation with the Director of the Memory Care unit tonight and my sister has shown up very well, and has had very positive things to say about the care my mom is getting there.  She was apparently very emotional and expressed that she had a completely different impression than “what she remembered” when she toured the unit 3 years ago. It validates what my mom’s care team has repeatedly told me, which is I was doing the right thing. I have always anchored to that, but to have her see it helps me.  It makes all of the horrible stuff I experienced worth it.   That was one of my hopes for the visit.  She can’t say it to me, but she can say it to a perfect stranger.  That, I know, is too much to ask for. I still feel validated!

Have you guys had the "family dinner"?  Will there be an opportunity to ask her if she has the records she needs (some detail like that) or "if all of that is ok?"  (remember...you are giving her the "easy door" to say all is ok.)

No.  She has continued to snub me and my husband. She has blown off the planned meals that she committed to. So no, that conversation can’t happen at the bday celebration tomorrow with my mom.  That  has to be about my mom.    I won’t lie, it hurts.   The trip has been positive for my mom, but not for us.  It has affirmed for me what the likely path is after my mother passes.  We will be over. 

There may not be a winning action with the party. 

Most of our communication throughout her trip has been via text, including all of the plans for tomorrow’s bday celebration.  Me, positive and excited, her cryptic, detached and formal. She is literally “signing her texts”  with like a business email with first and last name.  I sense she is struggling more than she expected to, and as FF says, she doesn’t really know how to respond to my kindness and hospitality.  She is pretty much avoiding me and grey rocking me in our limited contact. Her grey rocking me, as my husband and son have pointed out, is better than the toxic rants, accusations and nastiness I have endured in the past. Drama scale is lower than I expected.

My mom got the best possible bday gift, my sister has gotten some peace in knowing my mom is well cared for and I have survived the visit surrounded by a lot of support and love from my son, husband and friends. AND... the best news is, we made an offer and it was accepted (today!) on a retirement home  on 12 acres in a small town we have dreamed of living in for the last 30 years.  We are headed off on a fantastic vacation for 2 weeks, the biggest break I have gotten since the pandemic began.   It is hard to leave the hospital, as we are in the beginning of another surge ( delta variant) while working through tons of backlogs, but guess what, I am taking it anyway because it is what I need to do.  Never needed a vacation more!

Thanks again for the support.   I couldn’t have made it through this without you guys. Thank you.

[GaGrl]

I am so glad you are getting a two-week break! My next door neighbor was a FOO of a large university hospital, and she retired in the midst of the Covid-19 situation -- not much choice, due to her own cardiac issues.

I am holding you in my heart. My mother and sister had a very complicated relationship, and my sister died at age 32 of breast cancer. I was on my own at that point, trying to hit a balance between the mental and emotional health of my mother and a dead sister who was "perfect.'' Not easy...

[Methuen]

Mommydoc, this sounds like the best outcome possible.  So far, there have been no overt attacks or meltdowns.  Instead, she is avoiding you.  It is the lesser of the evils.  Maybe it is the best she can do. Even better, she has stated to the staff at your mom's facility, that your mom is in a good place.  That is the most you could have hoped for.    And you have remained friendly and hospitable, and not questioned her avoidance of you.  Well played.  Has her plane departed yet?  Was she on it, or did she change that flight too? 

Congratulations The event seems to be behind you.  Like you said, she and your mom got to see each other, and that was the priority, since it made your mom happy.  Focus on the multiple positives from this glass half full visit . 

Enjoy a well earned vacation!

[zachira]

I am admiring how you handled your sister and did what would make your mother happy. It seems that there is a point in which it does not work for the disordered person to be confrontational so they distance themselves out of fear.

[formflier]

Solid work!

You are letting her deal with her own feelings by creating an environment where it is much harder for her to "toss" them at you...or "blame" you for her feelings.  I'm so glad you seem to see that you work in this area, even when uncomfortable is well worth the "payoff".

At some point, after the well earned vacation, I advise you to take some "deliberate time" to think through your part in all this (kinda an after action thing) so you can build your lessons learned.  Because you now see how she (vice random or "average" pwBPD) reacts to what you do.  Very valuable information.


Has there been more discussion on paying for the trip, how receipts will be handled..etc etc?

Has she actually shown up to spend time with Mom as much as you hoped?  From that point of view is the trip "worth it"?

the best news is, we made an offer and it was accepted (today!) on a retirement home  on 12 acres in a small town we have dreamed of living in for the last 30 years.  

Awesome awesome awesome!  We lived on 14 acres up in MN for 7-8 years.  I still desperately miss "farm life" that you can walk to out your front door.  I've still kinda go it but I have to drive over to Mom's house/land for bees and tractor driving time, horses are boarded 30 minutes the other way and the rest of our acreage in corn and beans is a bit over 3 hours away.

Congrats on this!  Have you ever lived on land like that before?  

Best,

FF

[Mommydoc]

Survived the visit! uBPD sister is on her way to the airport, and there were no melt downs. Success!

Bday party was as you all predicted, pretty much all about her, very little detail shared with me, no collaboration.  I am worried that it was a little “too much” for my mom.  My sister showed up 20 minutes late. Fortunately I had already decorated and set everything up.  She is taking a painting class and brought some of her paintings as gifts that she claimed were about my mom’s life, but when she told the story of each painting they were all about her. At least a 20 minute presentation.   LOL. She brought frames for me “ to hang in her room” because she didnt have time.  Lots of time doing lots of posed pictures with my mom, which she kept forgetting we had done and wanted to do again and again.  Then all of sudden she “ had to leave”, no help with clean up, and she started unloading a bag of stuff for my mom, and telling me how I was to use each item.  I effusively told her “she had thought of everything”.   

The awkward moment came when it was just she, my nephew and me in the entrance and she said good bye.  She was in between me and her son.  I opened my arms to give her a hug and she walked away.  I saw his face and disappointment, and then he stepped past her towards me and we exchanged a heart felt hug... when she saw /heard that, she returned and gave me a half hearted hug.  I told her I loved her, and she said me too.  And that was how it ended. 
  I brought some of the treats to the staff after cleaning up. It wasn’t until I was expressing my gratitude to them for the great care they are taking of my mom, and shared what a gift it was for my sister  to see how well cared for she is.  They appreciated it and told me that a lot of families only complain and how much they appreciated me for always expressing gratitude.  It was in that moment, that I was able to exhale and breathe again. 

My son and husband and my friend were amazing. It was hard for them too, as they were really nice to her, and she was a bit aloof to them too. 

I am going to go pack, but wanted to thank all of you from the bottom of my heart.  I couldn’t have managed it as well as I did without all of your advice and support. Thank you!  I have learned so much from each of you.  Thank you a million times!  I hope to pay your kindness forward when able. 

[GaGrl]

Whew! Sigh of relief.

[Naughty Nibbler]

MommyDoc:

Job well done!  You made the best out of a bad situation, and it was beneficial for your mom.  Enjoy your vacation!  It's well deserved!  After the last few days, I'm sure you have a greater appreciation of your supportive family & friends.

[zachira]

This has been a tremendous learning thread for everyone. When I realize all the efforts it took for Mommydoc and those who supported her, to manage her BPD sister for just 3 days so the sister's behavior did not get out of hand, I have so much compassion for those who live with a person with BPD or have to regularly deal with them. For me, the most important lesson was how the sister lost interest in interacting with Mommydoc. How do we get a disordered person to disengage more and be less of a threat to the stability of everybody around? Thoughts?