Her BF cheated on her...again

[grumpydonut]

Hi all,

Just an update from my end, my ex wBPD's partner cheated on her with a third woman this week.

A reminder that - even when their social media makes it appear that they've moved on and are living their "happily ever after" while you're in pain and trying to make sense of things - they don't seem to ever get free of their chaotic life.

You can!

[Sluggo]

Grumpy donut, 

Thanks Grumpy donut.  Things are not always as they appear.  Chaos does not stop. 

[Couper]

Social media is a lot like reality t.v. ... which is anything but.

[tvda]

I wish I could just move on and not think about my exBPD, but alas I spend my days thinking about what her life is like (full NC so no info here), and... I'll admit it: hoping that she is not doing well, in a sort of karmic wishful thinking way.

She discarded me really brutally as "the other man", and seemingly replaced me with a new affair the very same day (or probably earlier). Her official partner contacted me and told me I'm already her third affair. And stated that he's finally thinking about ending things with her.

So then... Even without knowing anything, all I can think is, there are only two options, none of them good:

• Either he stays with her, and they continue in a relationship without any trust whatsoever - where she will most likely continue to cheat (and is probably already doing so with the next guy).
• Or he dumps her after one too many affair, leaving her with three kids from two different fathers, with a very complex custody schedule, and she starts an official thing with her affair, in the very very small town they are all living in. And most likely cheats on this guy as well. After that, given how small the town is, I do think she'll start to get sort of  a social stigma, deservedly so.

I know it's petty... I know it's not helping me to move on... But I really hope she gets what she deserves for once...

[B1987]

Thank you for the post. One of the hardest things for me is imagining her strolling off in the sunset with a new guy, full of love, happiness and having fun whilst I'm in a dark pit of despair.

I have to remind myself of the constant drama and chaos - something that the new guy must inevitably start seeing soon.

I am in full NC for a month so have no idea what she's doing - this make it hard not to wonder though.

One thing I do believe though is although they move on painfully quick, surely it can't do their fear of abandonment issues any good? Surely she'll project these fears straight on to the new supply as this is her reality which will only fuel further issues and unhealthy relationships.

[tvda]

Well... My exBPD was 43 years old, had a joint house, two kids from a previous relationship and a 5-year old in her current relationship, and a guy who put up with her past two affairs and takes good care of her. And once again, three kids, and a stepdad who volunteered to take care of two stepdaughters as well. To top things off her in-laws are quite proud and vindictive, and she lives in a small town where a reputation or social stigma go around quickly.

You would think that she had every incentive to get her life in order, but still she chose to start another affair (with me), and I highly suspect another new one right now - within this same small town... But I guess her "urges" are just too strong - so I'm not seeing any changes in her lifestyle anytime soon. And yes, I do sincerely hope it all blows up in her face one day.

[grumpydonut]

You're welcome, B1, that was the goal of the post, so I am happy it brought some comfort or validation.

The one thing I noticed throughout my relationship with a borderline was that the better I treated her, the worse she got. When I was rather distant (at the start of the relationship) she was all over me and trying to get me to open up, as soon as everything was a-typical on my end, she got bored and started to create drama.

I will never forget a conversation we had where she said "my life has always been ups and downs...at the moment it's stable...AND I FEEL NOTHING". A month, she cheated on me. It's unfortunate, but drama feels familiar to them and I believe it's where they are most comfortable.

[Turkish]

I hope that my ex's next relationship is more ok, if not for our kids. It's a little silly, but it seems like the "Every other StarTrek movie is good." BF before me, he cheated, DV, court and an RO. Husband after me, mutual DV, an RO (against his brother for no real reason), cops. Her previous BF was a criminal narc type. Her husband after me had Narcissistic tendencies (which I found silly), but not criminal. I judged him mostly harmless until she told me about his controlling tendencies (grabbing her, "I forbid you to divorce me!") and DV (she was worse). Our then D6 saw cops on their apartment on Christmas Eve. Not normal.

At the end of the day, it's good to ask ourselves multiple questions: "why do we feel attached still?" (Natural, given heightened emotions, this board is for support about that), and "why were we attracted to he or she in the first place?"

The latter is digging deep into ourselves.

[grumpydonut]

Yeah, good questions, Turkish.

I have no idea. I feel like I just want to be unconditionally loved, but don't feel like it's ever going to happen. Even with my ex, I still want her to return, not because I want her, but to validate that I actually am someone, mean something, have value.

That's a part of the reinforcement addiction, I'm sure. They start out by making us feel this validation, then they take it away for - seemingly - no reason, and we are stuck trying to chase it.