Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 29, 2024, 10:19:52 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Popular books with members
103
Surviving a
Borderline Parent

Emotional Blackmail
Fear, Obligation, and Guilt
When Parents Make
Children Their Partners
Healing the
Shame That Binds You


Pages: 1 [2]  All   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Mother is trying to convince me that fiancee' has mental issues  (Read 1312 times)
Notwendy
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 10444



« Reply #30 on: July 29, 2021, 06:23:46 AM »

Do you have a plan B for the event of rain? I think outdoor weddings are lovely, but I also think it's wise to have a plan B in case of rain.


I don't think this is over either, so there are some choices-

It's still a long ways away- what is the penalty on pulling the deposits? If it's not too much, you can consider cancelling the plans and taking a small loss, and doing your own wedding.

If there's considerable cost to cancelling, then go with the plans, realizing that the wedding is a long ways off. Anything can happen with Covid-19 but the natural course of these pandemics have been at about 2 years. It may be that things calm down enough by next May so that masks are not an issue. Or ( I hope not), we are limiting social gatherings. Or, your in laws might decide to get vaccinated if they are hesitant once the vaccine has been out for over a year. There will be FDA approval and perhaps even revisions to the first vaccine. The point being- we don't know how things will be with Covid by next may and it's likely to be less of an issue.

Don't bend on your wishes, but also know that if mom is paying, it may be a losing battle. Do you want almost a year of mama- drama?  The camel nose under the tent is the payment. The minute my mother puts any money on something, it's a constant control battle. That's why I stop at that, but it took some time to learn that. I didn't know that at my wedding, but I knew that if I didn't just go along with her, there'd be constant friction- and she'd get my father on the case as well ( Karpman triangle)

She can keep up the pushing longer than I can. I don't want to spend the time doing that- but she has the time and I suspect she enjoys the power.

The outcome though - was lovely because my mother had invited her friends and it truly was a nice event in terms of venue, flowers, music. The result was- we are married and have started our own life together- and have had to learn to set boundaries with my mother. A main one is to not accept any money from her, not one dime.

This drama continues for any event. I wanted to include my parents in family celebrations- kids' birthdays, graduations, etc. Each time BPD mother was there, the drama began. It starts with " I'd like to pay for the lunch for everyone" and if I were to say "yes" then she'd invite her friends and family and turn it into an event that showcased her. I soon realized that my part in this was to be the reason, the prop, for her party. That stopped.

It happened a while back when we planned to see her for her birthday and have a get together with her friends and family. On the day we were to arrive ( the get together was later in the weekend) we agreed to meet her for a quick dinner, just us, as we were travelling and knew we'd want to rest. Then she called and said she wanted to provide the dinner ( pay for it) I should have known better but I thought, what's the harm, and so said OK. Well long story short, what I wanted ( a quick small dinner with just us) turned out to be her planning to have some of her friends "drop by" without telling me ( and I had said I wanted it to be just us- knowing we'd see them soon). Somehow this slipped out "so and so might just be around" ( and then I knew what she was up to). So, I refused, called the restaurant and cancelled the reservation. We ended up eating fast food at our hotel- just us. She was furious. But what could have been a simple quiet dinner was a lot of drama and conflict.

Once the two of you are married, you can have your celebrations on your terms and your budget. In my situation if my mother pays, it's on her terms and I don't have the choice.
Logged
wmm
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 140


« Reply #31 on: July 29, 2021, 08:14:15 AM »

This is all helpful. I feel like if I wasn't so afraid of her I could just put my foot down and tell her we would be getting married outside. The thing is, if it's raining we'll have to move inside anyways. Inside is very beautiful. If everyone were vaccinated I'd be happy to do it inside. She thinks it's ridiculous that we would do it outside "just for my fiance's father". I don't think she'd think it would be ok if it was my father who wasn't vaccinated. She thinks it's ridiculous that he's not getting vaccinated. My fiance's grandmother is also terrified even though she's fully vaccinated. Those are two very important people. I feel disappointed with myself for not being more firm with her. I feel like I failed. The thought that this issue could go on for months really stresses me out. I talked to my partner about having him talk to her but he said he would have a hard time knowing what to say. When he gets upset he has a hard time expressing his feelings. My other siblings are much better at sticking up to my mom. She doesn't terrify them like she terrifies me. I am the oldest though so I think I had to deal with more of her problems as a child. I wish I was more courageous when it came to dealing with her. It's not just thoughts, I get a really bad physical feeling when it comes to dealing with her. It's so overwhelming.
Logged
Notwendy
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 10444



« Reply #32 on: July 29, 2021, 08:40:47 AM »

Please don't feel like you failed. You didn't. You are working with a parent who does not consider your wishes. You didn't cause this. I have been in the same situation as you with a wedding. Even if I did stand up to my mother, it would be a losing battle. She would have enlisted my father to her side. It would be a big scene, one I was not ready to deal with. Nor did I know how. I was not allowed to stand up to her.

Somewhere we have a bottom line. Mine was not the wedding. Mine was when she wanted to enlist my adolescent children as her emotional caretakers, confide in them, and pull them to her side against me. I knew then I had to have boundaries. This, in addition to some arguments over my father's medical care ( he was ill at the time) was the start of a rift in our family as she rallied her family and my father to her side against me. I lost my father, not physically then, but he became angry at me. It was not long after that that he passed away. I do not regret that I stood up to her, but the emotional cost was significant.


Looking back, I did not have the wedding as I would have it exactly, but it was also a lovely wedding. We moved far away enough so that my mother could not just drop in on us, but not too far so that my parents were not able to spend time with my kids. My father and my kids formed a special bond. They didn't bond with my mother in the same way I didn't- she's basically an observer, didn't interact much with them except when they could serve her needs. She's cold and unaffectionate. My father would get on the floor with them when they were little, play games with them, read to them. They loved him.


I certainly get the fear. I have been afraid of my mother. She has no personal power herself, she didn't work to earn the money she has, but she had total control of what my father earned and uses it to control other people. She also controlled his ability to have a relationship with anyone, and if she didn't want it to happen, she'd raise an unbearable scene.

I was only able to say no to her without too much fear until after my father died, because I was afraid of losing my relationship with him. Standing up to her over my kids also included fear but I was determined to not ever let her do to them what she did to me. At their age, I had to become her emotional caretaker. She tried to triangulate me against my father and also was emotionally abusive. There is no way I would let her do this to my kids no matter what. However, I didn't expect my father to be angry at me for this.

I agree that you should have the wedding you want. If this were a normal situation,  a wedding would be a combination of what she wants and what you want and working out some sort of solution to it that suits you. This is impossible with my mother. It's all or none, her way, or completely leave her out ( and we have done that too if we want to have a peaceful family get together). The cost of standing up to my mother is to be cast out of her circle. This may be the cost for you too.

This is a pick your battle situation because so long as your mother is paying, it's a battle that you may not be able to win. As to Covid, masks and vaccines- a year from now may look very different. People may disagree with me but for the sake of not engaging in constant battle with my mother, over something we don't know yet, I'd drop it for now. A year from now it may not be an issue.


Or, you pull out of the wedding altogether, do it your way and face the consequences. This will likely happen again over various situations, where she tries to influence how you do things with your new family. At this point, you can decide if you even want to include her or not. Do not let her pay for anything. But it looks like the wedding may not be the time to start but that doesn't mean you can't set boundaries once you are married.
Logged
wmm
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 140


« Reply #33 on: July 29, 2021, 11:16:36 AM »

I definitely plan to set boundaries. I have started to set easier boundaries (not sleeping over with my family for my mother's birthday celebration). I feel like pulling out of the wedding would cause waaay more drama than deciding on inside or outside. Everything else she wants for the wedding is lovely. I just want everyone who is important to be able to be there. I agree that I should wait and see closer to the date due to covid. I just don't know how to cope with my anxiety for now. Just thinking about having to deal with it down the line gives me anxiety. If I were to cancel the wedding my mother would go into a rage and try to cut me off from my family. She controls the contact with everyone and my dad just does what she wants. Cancelling the wedding doesn't seem worth it since I'd lose contact with my family. I just need to know how to deal with the current anxiety and not obsess about it
Logged
Notwendy
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 10444



« Reply #34 on: July 29, 2021, 11:42:09 AM »

I would recommend counseling. Not because there's anything wrong with you, but that you were raised in a family with a disordered parent and this affects everyone in the family. Family members adapt certain behaviors to compensate and get along. These behaviors made sense in context. As a child, your very survival depends on them, if not physical, emotional. As an adult you are not as dependent on your parents but the feelings and patterns are set. Changing your part in this creates anxiety for you, as it feels threatening when in actuality, it isn't as much of a threat to surviving in your family now that you are grown.


We take these behavior patterns into our adult relationships, and this includes those with our romantic partners. You may begin to feel anxiety sticking up for yourself, saying no to your husband even though he won't react like your mother would because you are used to her reaction. I admit that taking my behaviors- people pleasing and being afraid to say no- into my own marriage caused marital issues. An intimate relationship requires being authentic, and you certainly have the ability to be authentic, but you also have the fears and anxiety from your upbringing.

The best part about learned behaviors is that we can unlearn them and learn new and better ones. Counseling and working on co-dependency really helped me to deal with my mother better and it also helped my marriage. Imagine if- you started now, and by the time you got married you brought an emotionally stronger YOU into your marriage. It's a wonderful investment in you  to consider.
Logged
wmm
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 140


« Reply #35 on: August 01, 2021, 08:44:35 AM »

I'm currently in therapy and am starting doing CBT with my therapist. My partner and I have lived with each other for 9 years. I have no problem sticking up to him. We have a very good and healthy relationship. I hope the therapy will help with my mother. I've done therapy before but it was mostly just processing past events.
Logged
Notwendy
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 10444



« Reply #36 on: August 01, 2021, 11:51:58 AM »

That's good because standing up for myself has been something I have struggled with, and it's good to know you have been working on that.
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: 1 [2]  All   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!