Using BIFF responses in my coparenting

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Towards the end of the relationship with my exGFwBPD, I shared a text communication with my therapist that summed up the course most of our fights would take. My therapist suggested that I read "BIFF Quick Responses to High-Conflict People, Their Personal Attacks, Hostile Email and Social Media Meltdowns" The introduction to this book, that briefly explained high conflict people and their associated personality disorders took me down the BPD rabbit hole. I've been using the principles in this book to some success to reduce the amount of conflict with my Ex.

Has anyone in a co-parenting relationship with their BPD read, BIFF for CoParent Communication: Your Guide to Difficult Texts, Emails, and Social Media Posts (Conflict Communication Series, 3) ?

If so, did you find it useful beyond the information contained in the first BIFF book?

[EZEarache]

Towards the end of the relationship with my exGFwBPD, I shared a text communication with my therapist that summed up the course most of our fights would take. My therapist suggested that I read "BIFF Quick Responses to High-Conflict People, Their Personal Attacks, Hostile Email and Social Media Meltdowns" The introduction to this book, that briefly explained high conflict people and their associated personality disorders took me down the BPD rabbit hole. I've been using the principles in this book to some success to reduce the amount of conflict with my Ex.

Has anyone in a co-parenting relationship with their BPD read, BIFF for CoParent Communication: Your Guide to Difficult Texts, Emails, and Social Media Posts (Conflict Communication Series, 3) ?

If so, did you find it useful beyond the information contained in the first BIFF book?

[formflier]

I haven't read either book but I would enjoy reading some of your examples. Perhaps:

Old you:  How things would have gone

New you after the book:  What you said instead and how things were different.

FF

[EZEarache]

OK, so a BIFF stands for Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm. The goal is to keep written communication short, to the point, and keep triggering emotional sentiment out of the statements you share with the high conflict personality on the other side of it.

My parents have been pushing me to record the interactions with my ExGFwBPD, lately. I usually forget because I have so much anxiety when I'm arriving to interact with her. However, last week I actually remembered to do the recording. It was painful to listen to. You can hear me trying to stay calm, and redirect the conversation to the topic at hand. You can hear her flipping out and not letting me get a word in edgewise. So I recorded a major dysregulation from last week which involved moving our baby to daycare in November. She was especially mad at me because she was convinced I never remember anything. This statement is simply not true.

In reality, she left things very open ended in the previous conversation. When I tried to remind her of that, I was completely shot down, and made to question my own memory of the events. (Gas lighting)  Originally she told me we would be switching to child care in December, and that, "Nothing was set in stone."

However, while I was away on vacation she booked a daycare center close to her house. This is problematic for several reasons.

1 Once our existing babysitter is gone, I intend to transition to a 50/50 split, so I want the daycare to be central between us.

2 I'm planning to buy a home within the next six months. So it would be good if this central location was decided upon at least once I put an offer in. This way we don't have to move the baby from one day care to another again. Too late for that now.

3 It's simply not what she told me before. Previously she said that the babysitter was CONSIDERING going back to work as a substitute teacher, but that it wasn't finalized yet. I simply wanted to point out that my recollection of the conversation was different than what she was telling me. Listening to the recording I was calm and choosing my words wisely. I did my best not to scream back at her. Unfortunately, everything I said was greeted with an admonishment. We all know this sort of conversation on this board. After I drove home, I received the following text. This is where the BIFFs come in.

Text scenario for old EZ:

Actual communication from ExwBPD:
I know you think it's impossible to have a conversation with me but I want to say for the record that this started with me saying I wanted to communicate some schedule changes and beginning with, "as you know he's going to day care in the fall." And you immediately interrupted me and said didn't know. This is why it's so hard to communicate to you because I can't even get my statements out at all before you start questioning the version of events I'm recanting. I think therapist would probably tell you the details of remembrance probably don't matter and aren't worth debating and that the real message was about his schedule change which I couldn't even get out"

Old EZ would have written (and still actually wants to, but refrains from the urge)
I wasn't trying to debate you. I was trying to have a reasonable conversation. I simply wanted to correct you that I didn't know the babysitter was leaving in November. I thought you said we MIGHT be putting the baby into childcare in December, and that the babysitter MIGHT be going back to teaching. Instead you told me it's impossible to communicate with me because I never remember anything. You also yelled at me that I never remember the order of events. However, that's actually you. You were already screaming at me by the door to my house, and then again next to my car when I got the baby's backpack. That was the reason, I said "I can't possibly have a conversation with you." I'm sorry that it hurt you, but it's the truth. You're the one with memory problems and is impossible to communicate with. Your recollection is faulty, not mine.

So then the argument would have gone off the rails, and I would have been really miserable and depressed that it came to this, as well as doubting my own sense of reality. The book BIFFs (and also not JADEing, which I learned from this board) showed me a better more appropriate response.

New EZ actually did write
Moving forward let's put all correspondence regarding the baby in writing so there is no further miscommunication.

ExGFwBPD replied
That's fine. But I did try to discuss it with you. It shouldn't only ever be on me to bring up these things. If you want to be involved you have to be involved in your own merit to and not just leave it to me and assume it's being taken care of. And I think that's why I do firmly believe I did communicate Babysitter's plans to you earlier in the year, because there are a lot of other details that went along with it that I was working on at the same time

I also believe at that time I lsted all of the other reasons why it would be good including socialization for him, lowered costs, plus as I previously mentioned in doubling up on wok and child care for 1.5-2 hours every day and that's reall hard and allows for no breaks whatsoever.

I'm very sure I mentioned those things and I seem to recall you agreeing they were all valid reasons. But anyway if you don't recall that, now they're in writing.

New EZ really Responds:
Yep, I remember this. What I don't remember doesn't matter. Just let me know the date that it starts and what I owe for my half of child care. Please send it to me in an email. Thanks and have a good night.



So to analyze my responses:
New EZ doesn't let his frustration, and confusion turn into anger. He simply states the objective facts that he needs to move his life forward in a positive manner. He keeps his communication simple and to the point. New EZ doesn't apologize for hurting exGFwBPD's feelings. Apologies just validate the high conflict personality and make them think they are justified in their behavior. New EZ realizes it's inevitable that the exGFwBPD's feelings will be hurt no matter what he tries to do or say. New EZ understands that his own feelings are irrelevant to the situation at hand and he shouldn't expect any validation in return. He doesn't try to get into long winded explanations, or justifications for his memory. He's learned there is no point in that. New EZ has learned that his exGFwBPD, doesn't really care about and will also never believe his perspective anyway. This simply doesn't matter. All that matters is that EZ does not get tangled up and dragged into the exGFwBPD's bottomless emotional pit. New EZ has also learned when it is best to simply not bother to respond all.

Anyway, if you get berated via text like I often do, your instinct is to give it back. However, this is unproductive. So the new EZ has really worked to keep emotional and triggering words out of his text communication, and tried to keep things Brief, Informative, Friendly and Firm.

Just curious if anyone in a co-parenting situation has read both books and if it is worth the time? I have some reading I should really be doing to improve my career. This has fallen on the sidelines while I learn to navigate the stormy seas of BPD while also trying to raise a healthy well adjusted baby.

[EZEarache]

Your BIFF responses seemed good. Did you feel that you addressed what you needed to? Have you seen the discussion here?

2.03 | B.I.F.F. Technique for Communications

I've found that this works verbally as well.

Did I address what I needed to, LOL. Well, yes and no. I addressed the solution for the immediate problem at hand. Putting things in writing. I'd asked before, but the response I got was, "Would you like me to fill out a requisition form?" To think I used to find her sarcasm amusing... She seems more agreeable to it, now.

However, the night after the conflict, I had trouble sleeping. My brain was too cluttered with things that needed to be addressed. So, yes, the issue at hand was addressed. Still, I had a million other things I needed to bring out in the open. As I tried to write the BIFFs out in my head, I realized I needed to put together an outline of all the issues that arose from this dysregulation, and it wasn't going to qualify as a BIFF.

Therefore, I actually scheduled a second therapy session last week to go over all the things that needed to be addressed as a result of this fight. I wrote everything out before the session. We fine tuned about half the BIFFs that needed to go out. They are on stand by in my outlook drafts folder. So the next time there is a dysregulation, I can just change a few words and press send. We'll go through the rest of the list of issues in my next session and finish it up.

I'm getting better at managing the exwBPD, but I'm a slow learn. I was talking to my friend about it on Sunday. She said, "Don't beat yourself up. You're not a trained mental health professional. You're actually doing a good job, all things considered." It's still just soo difficult.

I wish I knew what I was really signing up for three years ago. There's no contract to read or user manual when you start dating someone. The best you can get is the word of a trusted friend. I even had that... and it still wasn't enough.

[EZEarache]

10+ years past the divorce, and she is still her. She can't (won't? doesn't matter) stop herself from the "digs" and "jabs" at him. Again, she must have needed us to watch the kids overnight (this happened a couple of months ago too), and again, she made sure to let DH know that "she asked the kids if they felt comfortable with staying with him". Ten years, no change. So much "bait" being dangled in front of DH to engage with, implications of how superior she is at parenting, that the kids choose her, that DH makes the kids uncomfortable... lots of petty, hurtful stuff.

Man... This is going to be a long journey. It's only been 5 months since I had to move out. I was just thinking the past few days, nothing would make me happier than for her to get help so we can be a nuclear family. I realize it's just not that likely.

She's been telling me how superior she is at parenting basically since the day the baby was born. She kept pulling him away from me while I attended to him, when we were living together. I'm so F&*ked... It's going to be a long trail with lots of elevation gain up this mountain.

[Skip]

Are you trying to rebuild the relationship with her or establish a better (permanent) co-parenting relationship?

[EZEarache]

Are you trying to rebuild the relationship with her or establish a better (permanent) co-parenting relationship?

From my perspective, I wish she would be able to accept her condition and get help. I don't think that is very realistic. A few months ago, she demanded that I tell her why my previous therapist suggested she go to Alanon. She was reliving an event from close to two years prior. Alanon was suggested before my therapist and I had made the full diagnosis, but could tell something was, "off" because of some statements she made. I carefully explained that I believed that "due to no fault of your own, I think you have a deep fear of abandonment." Her response, "I don't care what you think."

My therapist reiterated in our last session, "She doesn't care what you think."

Based on numerous other statements made and behaviors she's exhibited recently, I really don't see any hope for us to be a family again. So, I'm working on coming to acceptance that there is no hope for us to repair the damage we have caused. It makes me really sad to write that. In the meantime, I am perfecting skills like BIFF, so that I can hopefully raise a healthy well adjusted boy, despite all of the chaos that erupts around him. So I'd say it's establishing a more successful co-parenting relationship.

[Skip]

So I'd say it's establishing a more successful co-parenting relationship.

You have good reasoning in this.

So you really are facing three issues.

1/ Establishing a constructive co-parenting relationship
2/ Grieving a lost love.
3/ Not letting "2" interfere with "1".

[MeandThee29]

My therapist reiterated in our last session, "She doesn't care what you think."

Yes, this is the crux of it. Their view of life is significantly distorted, and they are not going to budge apart from an actual miracle.

I found BIFF very helpful. In a friendly way, you stick to the facts. Of course, it is going to blow up on you at times, but it worked very well in my situation. Both of my attorneys were very familiar with Bill Eddy and recommended his work.