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Author Topic: Favorite kids  (Read 364 times)
Bpdintn
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« on: July 22, 2021, 06:46:32 PM »

For years, I have searched for the name of the sickness that my mother has. I’ve endured rages at perceived slights, ruined my marriage to try to get her to love me, squashed my dreams so she could feel important. . My brother is financially dependent on her and a diabetic, so he is the golden child. I work, am very educated, and take care of my mom and dad as much as they need. Is it common for BPD moms to have a favorite kid?
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beatricex
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« Reply #1 on: July 22, 2021, 08:17:07 PM »

hi Bpdintn,
Sure, but you know the favorite changes right?

b
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sp|ne

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« Reply #2 on: July 23, 2021, 01:45:57 AM »

The overly simplified short answer is - yes, it is very common, but there are nuances to it.

Do the favorites change?  Does she have favorites in other aspects of her life?  For example my mom idealizes the women she tutors and her former au pairs ... while she may alternatively vilify and admire he repair person or random person down the street.  It relates to moving in and out of attachment, which is disrupting and upsetting to the BPD, they cope by "splitting" and turning the complexity/grays of life into black/white to simplify ... non-BPD do it all the time ("black and white thinking") .... just to a much smaller extent.  Trauma victims like us and those with anxiety experience this thought distortion more than others generally.

Anyway, if the black white thinking is something that is pervasive in her life, if there are good and bad people in her life, and if they alternate/the same person is good and evil at different times, yeah good chance BPD.

for me what really made me notice was when i became aware that she alternately idealized and diminished abusively the same human being (me or my sister), alternating between good child and bad child for reasons related to how close/distant we were away from her, or how we behaved towards her, etc etc

So basically what I am saying is just having a favorite does not inherently constitute splitting if that favorite doesn't change, and if your mom doesn't have favorites or black and white thinking in other areas of her life ... and of course there are many other symptoms associated with BPD
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Bpdintn
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« Reply #3 on: July 23, 2021, 10:04:44 AM »

Thanks for the replies.  I am pretty sure she is BPD due to her rages, days of anger over something so slight we may never know what it was that set her off, telling other family members how horrible we were to her, and her extreme fear of abandonment.  She sometimes sits and cries hysterically because her grandsons (with whom she was close and was good to in her own way, although smothering at times) are grown up.  She literally begged one of them to leave his 6-figure job and new home in a city about 75 miles away to come back and live with her.  I feel as though I have to constantly work to make her love me.....I help her and my dad with paperwork, medical appointments, and household maintenance.  I have a relatively prestigious job and am pretty, and she is very proud to show me off, but I don't think there's much love there.  I'm not whining, just trying to find some way to cope.  I guess her favorites change, but she's never had one of her rage attacks on my brother......he's pretty dependent on her and he's always been sickly.  I almost feel that she only shows affection to people who need her help.  And I do not.
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Notwendy
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« Reply #4 on: July 23, 2021, 03:35:01 PM »

Yes, in my case, I am the scapegoat child. I have a sibling who is the golden child.

I think my parents had nice kids and I don't like to compare us as we are different people, but if we did- I have been more financially independent, and like you, have worked darn hard to do nice things for them in hopes they will love me and for their approval.

From my own experience, I would say give this up now. You are ruining your life for no results. I also became a people pleaser and had low self worth, thinking if only I was good enough, they would love me. I am good enough. My BPD mother doesn't love me. There is no connection between these two.

Now this doesn't mean I stop doing nice things for her or visiting her. I do- but on my terms. I see her because I choose to. If I do something nice for her, it's because of my own values, not because any of these things will make her love me, because her inability to love me has nothing to do with me.

It may appear as if she prefers the golden child, but it's not love, it's a form of enmeshment and I have found in the long run, it harms this adult child more to be enmeshed with her. This isn't love. Love wants the best for your child. She wants the best for her and expects her children to meet her emotional needs.

Please please stop this and live your best life. A loving parent wants to see their child in a happy relationship, enjoy their jobs, be productive and happy. Surely we want our adult children to visit us and hopefully assist us in our elder years if we need it, but we don't want to impose on their lives and happiness. Your mother's expectation that her grandchild quit their job and move in with her is completely selfish and not caring about him at all. She is using everyone to meet her emotional needs. This is not love.

How did I learn my lesson. My mother wanted to use my kids to meet her needs like your mother tried. I put up boundaries. I also began to have boundaries with her because no matter what I did for her it was never enough and she was verbally and emotionally abusive. I thought my father would at least understand why I didn't want her to treat my kids like this, but he didn't. He got angry at me. I tried to make a connection with him. He was very ill at the time, and yet, he chose to stay angry at me until his end. There was something about the finality of this that made me realize that I gave him all the love a daughter could, and still could not make him give me the approval I wanted from him.  And I won't get it from my BPD mother as well.

I still visit, I am still nice to her but I have no expectations of her.

My mother wants all the perks of being a grandparent, while having been emotionally abusive to her own children and no way will I let her do this to the grandchildren. We visit, she verbally abuses us than says "everyone I know has children and grandchildren to help them what's wrong with you?". She makes no connection between her behavior and our discomfort being around her.

Please, love yourself. You are worth it.

I almost feel that she only shows affection to people who need her help.  And I do not.

This is actually true but it's not that she wants to help them- she wants to control them. People who need my mother are basically prey for her desire to control them.
« Last Edit: July 23, 2021, 03:41:32 PM by Notwendy » Logged
zachira
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« Reply #5 on: July 23, 2021, 04:40:26 PM »

There are six generations of golden and scapegoated children/adults in my extended family. I am a scapegoat and like other family scapegoats nothing good I ever do is valued and I am mercelessly smeared behind my back. My aunt who was a golden child killed her best friend by driving recklessly and was viewed as a goddess until the day she died whereas her sister who was a scapegoat did endless good deeds for the family and was smeared by the family even at her own funeral.
It is so heartbreaking as there is nothing you can ever do to get the love and appreciation you deserve when you are the scapegoat. It can help to remember that the golden children often feel very empty and never really learn to have empathy for others. The scapegoats are often the most compassionate people around as they can't stand injustice or see people being unfairly abused.
I am truly sad that you are the scapegoat and having to deal with a mother with BPD who treats you so unfairly and cannot value you for who you are.
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beatricex
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« Reply #6 on: July 23, 2021, 07:22:17 PM »

The two times I became the favorite I went no contact with my BPD mom.  I really was not comfortable in the role because implied is as Notwendy mentioned, it's about control. 

The first time I went from scapegoat to favorite, my Mom sent out a letter to me and all my siblings.  It started off F--- You!  I refer to it as the f-you letter (hey that's really how she started the letter) and it went on to explain how all her kids were pieces of s--- and none of us had a valid excuse for missing Christmas except me.  She literally explained how I was the favorite.  There was a lot more raging, but u get the point.

My response was to hit reply all to her email and state: Mom I am not really comfortable being the favorite, implied is I will have to agree with everything you say, hate who you hate, gossip about all those you refer to in this email with you... sorry I cannot do it.  That is really how I went no contact the first time.  For 7 years.

I am today again the favorite and again attempting no contact.

My oldest brother was the favorite but since he got married about 3 years ago his wife has been "taking him away from my parents."  Hence the jealousy  hence he's no longer the favorite.  When he divorces his wife and resumes a regular schedule of seeing and appeasing my parents he will become the favorite again.  He's also my mom's flying monkey and does her dirty work for her (in a recent phone call with me he proceeded to shame me for all the stuff I have purportedly done to her over the years).  Why does my Mom need to tell me anything?  she sends my brother to do it.  I was amazed at the level of knowledge he had about me, everythin i've ever done wrong, every email i've written, every so called mess up.  It's like he's been studying me, I really did not know the extent they talk about me but he knew Everything and it was quite unnerving cause he went really far back, like 15 years.  One of the points brought up, perhaps the most disturbing - I only went to my grandfather's funeral to support my grandmother to piss my mom off.

wow

ya, that's why I flew to another state to hold my grandma's (my favorite relative's) hand.  It's not because I loved her?

kind of enlighting to talk to the consistent favorite.  but I think my brother has sold his soul to the devil, so to speak.
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Notwendy
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« Reply #7 on: July 23, 2021, 08:58:30 PM »

There were times BPD mom has been nicer to me, but I never have been the favorite. The roles have not switched off.

I even noticed it as a kid and she dismissed my feelings as sibling rivalry, but later on when I was older - friends of my parents would comment that it was obvious she preferred the golden child. It is obvious to me and everyone else. She doesn't hide it.
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sp|ne

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« Reply #8 on: July 23, 2021, 10:14:19 PM »

Notwendy's last response was really on target ... give it up now ... you will not get what you want, if what you want is a normal healthy relationship with a loving mom.  It will not happen.  If you are able to have a "low contact" emotionally distanced relationship, that works under certain contexts.  If not, sometimes people need to go "no contact", for a few months, years, or longer.

If you have already ruined your married to try to get her to love you, and destroyed some of your dreams ... you have done enough.  Live your live, love yourself, do everything you can to escape the madness and the endless insanity.  It might seem horrifying, but having no contact can be a really good way to go.

It is so saddening seeing how prevelent this is.  Just been on this msg board for a few days, and to see the extent of the suffering is so deeply saddening.

I truly wish you can find peace, and perhaps most importantly acceptance that this is who your mother is.  And that you can find the way to live your life without her, which I believe is what you will need to do, and figure out how to do, at some point.
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