Restraining Orders Against pwBPD

[Our abuse recovery guide]

This is mostly an experience report, but I'm also interested in other people's experience in this area.

Today I sought a restraining order against my sister (whom I suspect has BPD) on grounds that she commits domestic abuse against me.  In my state it's called a Protection Order, and per statutory definition domestic abuse can occur between siblings, and consists of violence, stalking, harassment, or coercion.  The statutory definition of harassment includes: "Repeatedly insults, taunts, challenges, or makes communications in offensively coarse language to another in a manner likely to provoke a violent or disorderly response."

The judge found, in the evidence I presented, that my sister has in fact committed harassment and therefore domestic abuse against me.  However he could not find that her domestic abuse of me constitutes an "imminent danger to my health" and therefore could not grant the Protection Order.  My argument was that her rage-induced abuse affects my emotional well-being, causing depression and fatigue and negative impact on my life and work (productivity) in the days after a harassment incident.  I presented evidence of a three-year pattern of such rage-induced harassment.  The judge could not find that a danger to my health was imminent (i.e. about to happen; likely to happen again the next time she rages).

The protection I sought from the court was to restrain my sister from harassing me (which usually occurs by email or postal mail).  I specified only in-person contact, only for the purposes of parent care, funeral services, and estate settlement.  The judge suggested I could pursue a criminal harassment case.

I have no desire to punish my sister or seek damages from her.  I only want her abusive behavior to stop, because sometimes it takes a toll on me.  I've been successful ignoring it most of the time over the last year, but a couple times (like last week) it has gotten to me - usually when it happens unprovoked after I've intentionally held my tongue about something, or made a polite request of her that she reacts poorly to.

I'm having my attorney send a letter to my sister demanding that she cease and desist from defaming and harassing me.  Time will tell what effect that will have, and I will report back to this forum.

So, that's my experience report.  Has anybody else had any relevant experience in this area?  Thanks in advance.

[Oh Brother]

This is mostly an experience report, but I'm also interested in other people's experience in this area.

Today I sought a restraining order against my sister (whom I suspect has BPD) on grounds that she commits domestic abuse against me.  In my state it's called a Protection Order, and per statutory definition domestic abuse can occur between siblings, and consists of violence, stalking, harassment, or coercion.  The statutory definition of harassment includes: "Repeatedly insults, taunts, challenges, or makes communications in offensively coarse language to another in a manner likely to provoke a violent or disorderly response."

The judge found, in the evidence I presented, that my sister has in fact committed harassment and therefore domestic abuse against me.  However he could not find that her domestic abuse of me constitutes an "imminent danger to my health" and therefore could not grant the Protection Order.  My argument was that her rage-induced abuse affects my emotional well-being, causing depression and fatigue and negative impact on my life and work (productivity) in the days after a harassment incident.  I presented evidence of a three-year pattern of such rage-induced harassment.  The judge could not find that a danger to my health was imminent (i.e. about to happen; likely to happen again the next time she rages).

The protection I sought from the court was to restrain my sister from harassing me (which usually occurs by email or postal mail).  I specified only in-person contact, only for the purposes of parent care, funeral services, and estate settlement.  The judge suggested I could pursue a criminal harassment case.

I have no desire to punish my sister or seek damages from her.  I only want her abusive behavior to stop, because sometimes it takes a toll on me.  I've been successful ignoring it most of the time over the last year, but a couple times (like last week) it has gotten to me - usually when it happens unprovoked after I've intentionally held my tongue about something, or made a polite request of her that she reacts poorly to.

I'm having my attorney send a letter to my sister demanding that she cease and desist from defaming and harassing me.  Time will tell what effect that will have, and I will report back to this forum.

So, that's my experience report.  Has anybody else had any relevant experience in this area?  Thanks in advance.

[pursuingJoy]

Restraining orders come up more frequently on the Bettering and Conflicted boards with a significant other. I ran a search for 'restraining order' in the search bar and it brought up a few threads of people with similar experiences. It seems there are really strict limitations.

You mentioned in another thread that your sister was triggered by your father's recent diagnosis last week? How did she act out? Your comment that she might have strong feelings of abandonment piqued my interest. I suspect my husband will feel the same when his BPD mom passes.

Since the judge won't grant the restraining order, would it help to set different limits for yourself? Not read the letters, or have some else read them and relay anything major? I'm sorry this is so draining.

 

[Oh Brother]

Thank you pursuingJoy for your reply, and pointer to threads in other groups about restraining orders.

You mentioned in another thread that your sister was triggered by your father's recent diagnosis last week? How did she act out? Your comment that she might have strong feelings of abandonment piqued my interest. I suspect my husband will feel the same when his BPD mom passes.

Yes, it seems a major trigger of my uBPDs's raging behavior is anything to do with her fear of our father developing dementia.  I believe that is due to how her splitting behavior manifests: she idealizes our father and devalues our mother (and now me).  Therefore I believe that any perceived risk which would remove my father from her life feels extremely threatening to her; she will feel totally abandoned when he's gone.

On the Friday before last he received a preliminary diagnosis from a neurologist.  My uBPDs acted out by writing me a nasty letter inserted into a relevant book, all left in an envelope for me at our father's residence (she must have known I'd be visiting our father the next day).  The letter effectively said "I told you so" and rehashed a bunch of stuff that happened in 2018 during a previous major rage of hers over this same fear.  Her letter was written in a very strident and aggressive tone, contained numerous lies and libelous statements about me, and made a threat or two.

Her letter was a completely unwarranted, unjustified, and unhelpful attack.  It got under my skin because in the weeks prior I'd held held my tongue, at the request of our mother, about some other completely atrocious BPD-related behavior of hers.  And then she attacked me out of the blue.  I couldn't let that go.  I wrote her back and gave her a piece of my mind, and also a letter I'd previously written but not delivered due to my mom's request.  That resulted in the most vicious attack (via letter) I've ever received from my uBPDs - which rose to the level of domestic assault via harassment, in the opinion of a civil court judge.

Since the judge won't grant the restraining order, would it help to set different limits for yourself? Not read the letters, or have some else read them and relay anything major? I'm sorry this is so draining.

I've had my attorney send a letter to my uBPDs demanding that she cease and desist from defamation and harassment of me.  I will continue to read and keep all communications she sends me, as documentation of her case and behavior.  The change I need to make is to categorically never rise to her bait, regardless of how outrageous it is.  Her pattern of behavior is to attempt to draw people in, and provoke them to do something in anger, then point out what awful people they are.

[pursuingJoy]

The change I need to make is to categorically never rise to her bait, regardless of how outrageous it is.  Her pattern of behavior is to attempt to draw people in, and provoke them to do something in anger, then point out what awful people they are.

You know the patterns.  The fact that she so viciously attacked after you sent your letter makes never rising to her bait sound like a really good idea.

Are you both very involved with your parents? How does your mom handle her behavior?

[Oh Brother]

Are you both very involved with your parents? How does your mom handle her behavior?

We are both involved with our father.  She sees him more frequently because she's made it her mission in life to be his caregiver whether he wants that or not.  But he and I have a great relationship and do things together often.  He's the only person left in my FOO that my uBPDs hasn't alienated, and he is careful to maintain a conflict-free relationship with her (as he is conscious of her fragility and the importance of their relationship to her).

My uBPDs declared her estrangement from our mother 18 months ago (and from me 10 months ago).  However she breaks her declared estrangement to lash out at either of us whenever she feels like it.  My mother and I discuss my sister's BPD and resulting behavior all the time, and share with each other her communications to us.  My mom tries to remain compassionate, and holds out hope that my sister will heal eventully, but is shocked by the depth of my sister's illness, and has her own limits (she's had to hang up on my sister's raging phone calls etc.).

[beatricex]

hi OhBrother,
This reminds me of the saying: never wrestle with a pig; you get dirty and the pig likes it.

I am very sorry you are going through this.

My BPD Mom is a master at engaging people just so she can draw them in and provoke them only to point out how awful they are.  A long time ago, I recognized the pattern, so I don't engage with her on this level anymore.  I have had to disengage when my sister-in-law, or brother-in-law get baited by her, as well.  Being the "family sympathizer" only gets me in deeper hot water, so now I stay out of other's tangles with my Mom as well.  But it wasn't always this way...

A long time ago, I was in my mid-20's, when I overheard a conversation between my Mom and my Dad.  I had called her, and when the call ended, she forgot to hang up, then she proceeded to start a conversation with my Dad.  I heard her tell my Dad how my sister-in-law was just using my brother, how my sister-in-law got pregnant on purpose, just to trap my brother, and how my Mom felt that my sister-in-law subsequently lost the baby (she miscarried) because "she had been drinking."  Ugh, what a way to spin a tale.  I remember screaming I CAN HEAR YOU, YOU DIDN'T HANG UP!  She never did realize immediately that I overheard that conversation.  I debated for a long time about telling my sister-in-law that I had overheard this conversation.  At the time, I was her confidant and she was regularly calling me crying and asking "why doesn't your Mom like me?"  But at the time, we had no concrete proof that my Mom was in fact spreading tales, so it was just gaslighting up until the point I overheard this conversation.  Finally, we could point to something concrete though.  Here my Mom was to my SIL's face saying "I like you" but behind her back spreading pretty horrible rumors about her.  I'm sure she was trying to bait my SIL to respond, so she could then paint her as the bad one, and whatever reaction she might get out of her, it was with the intent to make her look like "the crazy one."  Well, ya, accusing someone of drinking while pregnant such that they lose their child, is a pretty horrible accusation, in my book.   

Anyway, I did end up telling my SIL, eventually, and I think it allowed her to grieve the loss of a relationship that would never be and to move on.  Basically, she gave up trying to get my Mom to like her.

But tangling with my Mom in that way, I also ensured a target would be placed on my forehead, and it was for many years afterward.  Essentially, my mom never got over it because eventually it did get back to her that I told my SIL what she said.

There has been so much slander and libel over the years, but I never really considered a restraining order.  I guess I knew that even that would be tilted in my BPD's favor...somehow some way.  They always "win" because they aren't afraid of losing and in essence, don't have anything to lose anyway.  I truly believe they're willing to compromise their own reputation for the chance of trying to do the same to someone else's.

b 

[Oh Brother]

Hello beatricex, and thank you for your reply.  Your wresting with the pig advice is perfect

I'm sorry that you've had to endure a BPD mother situation.  My father suggested to me that my sister may have inherited BPD from our mother - apparently when our parents were in therapy prior to their divorce, the therapist suggested to our father that our mother may have had BPD.  However I have seen no signs of it in her, and she is quite astute on psychological matters.

[stolencrumbs]

This is mostly an experience report, but I'm also interested in other people's experience in this area.

Today I sought a restraining order against my sister (whom I suspect has BPD) on grounds that she commits domestic abuse against me.  In my state it's called a Protection Order, and per statutory definition domestic abuse can occur between siblings, and consists of violence, stalking, harassment, or coercion.  The statutory definition of harassment includes: "Repeatedly insults, taunts, challenges, or makes communications in offensively coarse language to another in a manner likely to provoke a violent or disorderly response."

The judge found, in the evidence I presented, that my sister has in fact committed harassment and therefore domestic abuse against me.  However he could not find that her domestic abuse of me constitutes an "imminent danger to my health" and therefore could not grant the Protection Order.  My argument was that her rage-induced abuse affects my emotional well-being, causing depression and fatigue and negative impact on my life and work (productivity) in the days after a harassment incident.  I presented evidence of a three-year pattern of such rage-induced harassment.  The judge could not find that a danger to my health was imminent (i.e. about to happen; likely to happen again the next time she rages).

The protection I sought from the court was to restrain my sister from harassing me (which usually occurs by email or postal mail).  I specified only in-person contact, only for the purposes of parent care, funeral services, and estate settlement.  The judge suggested I could pursue a criminal harassment case.

I have no desire to punish my sister or seek damages from her.  I only want her abusive behavior to stop, because sometimes it takes a toll on me.  I've been successful ignoring it most of the time over the last year, but a couple times (like last week) it has gotten to me - usually when it happens unprovoked after I've intentionally held my tongue about something, or made a polite request of her that she reacts poorly to.

I'm having my attorney send a letter to my sister demanding that she cease and desist from defaming and harassing me.  Time will tell what effect that will have, and I will report back to this forum.

So, that's my experience report.  Has anybody else had any relevant experience in this area?  Thanks in advance.

These are probably things to ask your L, but were you seeking a temporary (ex parte) order of protection? At least in my state, in order to get a temporary order of protection, you have to show some imminent danger. But there is explicitly no requirement to show imminent danger in order to get a permanent order of protection. Basically, if you want to get a temporary order that goes into place without the other person having a chance to have a hearing (which is what a temp order does), then you need to show there's some imminent threat, but if you seek a permanent order and schedule a hearing, you just need to show the harassment and not that you're at risk of imminent harm. It's worth talking to a L about this and about your options here.

[Oh Brother]

Hi stolencrumbs,

The way it works in my state is that you have to start with the TPO.  If granted, a hearing is then scheduled for the PPO.  I don't think there's any way to go straight to the PPO.  I did consult a lawyer about this before starting the process, and he outlined the above steps to me.  They're consistent with what I've read in the statutes and other law firms' pages about the protection order process in my state.

Cheers.

[pursuingJoy]

I'm curious, how old is your sister? Really helpful to hear about the family dynamics and how each of you has had to change your approach.

[Oh Brother]

I'm curious, how old is your sister? Really helpful to hear about the family dynamics and how each of you has had to change your approach.

She is almost 60.