The Straw That Broke The Camels Back (and me)

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

It’s almost 2am and I can’t sleep.  I knew she had Bpd when we got together.  She had been through years of therapy and DBT.  We spent 2 years as best friends and I felt she was stable enough for a relationship.  Long story short - I have moved across country with her after selling my home and left behind my entire support network.

Recently I had issues with a bad tooth. Went to the dentist who gave me an antibiotic.  Two weeks later it got worse, so they gave me something stronger, pulled the tooth and sent me on my way.  A week later I became VERY sick. 

I knew the risks with the antibiotic- so this was unnerving that I was experiencing what would later be diagnosed as Cdiff.  When I was a rag doll after a week, I told her I needed to be seen.  She dropped me at the ER and went home to get on a call with her client.  Since this was unplanned, I didn’t make a fuss about being alone - though it did hurt me. 

A week after stopping antibiotics - the infection came back.  She had been so cold and angry prior that I was nervous to tell her that the symptoms were back.  But I was going downhill so quick - I had to.  I assumed she would go with me this time as she had no clients.  She was shocked that I would even think she would go.  So I went alone, cried in the parking lot first and then was treated for reoccurrence- this time a 6 week round of antibiotics.  I had lost 20lbs.

The next day she picked a fight with me.  She told me that I overdo being sick.  That there’s always something wrong with me and that she gets trapped by me. She says to me that it was probably just stress and that I hadn’t been eating much (yes because I was SICK). She says that my desire to learn about what is wrong with me is a sickness and that I have to stop researching things.  This whole conversation was so insane and way out in left field.  I tried to explain to her how serious this bacteria is and that I was truly sick… and she says that I couldn’t say that because my second test results weren’t back yet.  So running to the bathroom more than 30 times a day was not a clue?  And no - that’s not an exaggeration. 

Here we are a month later, my daughter back East has Covid.  She has weird bumps on her lips and chin that are probably cold sores but she’s worried and they hurt.  I told her we would get a telemedicine appointment tomorrow and see what they say.  After that I looked up some pictures because it’s the most odd looking thing I’ve ever seen and I’m curious if something Covid related was discussed online.  Wife freaks out - says I’m trying to diagnose my daughter and that looking things up was very dangerous (yet she does this all the time for everything she thinks is wrong w her)

Soo this ends up back with her telling me how she’s so tired of me thinking I know everything medically when it comes to others (I explain I am a curious person and I like to learn but that Drs are the final say not me). She goes right back to how when I was sick, I trapped her with my sickness.  She says to me that I best not get sick again because she will not go down a rabbit hole with me when I have any symptoms- that I’m on my own… WTAH?  I ended up going to bed. 

I almost left a month ago over this.  To me this is broken vows.  She is angry when I’m sick, doesn’t check on me, let me get dehydrated and I had to beg her to drop me at an ER.  Im alone here, 3,000 miles away from home… with no home to go back to.  I’d be starting over. 

If it was this one issue, I’d probably push through but this is the final straw for me.  Im pretty sure I need to leave. But I want to know if I’m missing something here.

[bauers220]

It’s almost 2am and I can’t sleep.  I knew she had Bpd when we got together.  She had been through years of therapy and DBT.  We spent 2 years as best friends and I felt she was stable enough for a relationship.  Long story short - I have moved across country with her after selling my home and left behind my entire support network.

Recently I had issues with a bad tooth. Went to the dentist who gave me an antibiotic.  Two weeks later it got worse, so they gave me something stronger, pulled the tooth and sent me on my way.  A week later I became VERY sick. 

I knew the risks with the antibiotic- so this was unnerving that I was experiencing what would later be diagnosed as Cdiff.  When I was a rag doll after a week, I told her I needed to be seen.  She dropped me at the ER and went home to get on a call with her client.  Since this was unplanned, I didn’t make a fuss about being alone - though it did hurt me. 

A week after stopping antibiotics - the infection came back.  She had been so cold and angry prior that I was nervous to tell her that the symptoms were back.  But I was going downhill so quick - I had to.  I assumed she would go with me this time as she had no clients.  She was shocked that I would even think she would go.  So I went alone, cried in the parking lot first and then was treated for reoccurrence- this time a 6 week round of antibiotics.  I had lost 20lbs.

The next day she picked a fight with me.  She told me that I overdo being sick.  That there’s always something wrong with me and that she gets trapped by me. She says to me that it was probably just stress and that I hadn’t been eating much (yes because I was SICK). She says that my desire to learn about what is wrong with me is a sickness and that I have to stop researching things.  This whole conversation was so insane and way out in left field.  I tried to explain to her how serious this bacteria is and that I was truly sick… and she says that I couldn’t say that because my second test results weren’t back yet.  So running to the bathroom more than 30 times a day was not a clue?  And no - that’s not an exaggeration. 

Here we are a month later, my daughter back East has Covid.  She has weird bumps on her lips and chin that are probably cold sores but she’s worried and they hurt.  I told her we would get a telemedicine appointment tomorrow and see what they say.  After that I looked up some pictures because it’s the most odd looking thing I’ve ever seen and I’m curious if something Covid related was discussed online.  Wife freaks out - says I’m trying to diagnose my daughter and that looking things up was very dangerous (yet she does this all the time for everything she thinks is wrong w her)

Soo this ends up back with her telling me how she’s so tired of me thinking I know everything medically when it comes to others (I explain I am a curious person and I like to learn but that Drs are the final say not me). She goes right back to how when I was sick, I trapped her with my sickness.  She says to me that I best not get sick again because she will not go down a rabbit hole with me when I have any symptoms- that I’m on my own… WTAH?  I ended up going to bed. 

I almost left a month ago over this.  To me this is broken vows.  She is angry when I’m sick, doesn’t check on me, let me get dehydrated and I had to beg her to drop me at an ER.  Im alone here, 3,000 miles away from home… with no home to go back to.  I’d be starting over. 

If it was this one issue, I’d probably push through but this is the final straw for me.  Im pretty sure I need to leave. But I want to know if I’m missing something here.

[ForeverDad]

The problem with BPD and other acting-out PDs is that it typically gets worse the closer and more 'obligated' the relationship is.  Overall pwBPD tend to be more concerned with self than others.  From a friend distance it seemed manageable but now that you're close and in what she perceives as an obligated relationship, well...

What are your obligations to her and with her?  Make a list of what it would require to make a clean break.

If you got married then you'd have an obligation to divorce, which in itself could turn out to be a long process.

Take charge of birth control.  You don't want to add the complications of children and parenting if you decide to end the relationship.

Do you have any shared assets, debts or other obligations such as joint ownership of vehicles, rent/mortgage contracts, bank, investment or credit card accounts, etc?

While you are pondering what your future with her needs to be, try to limit getting more obligated to her and even determine the ways to start undoing some of those ties that bind you financially to her.

A final thought... despite your good intentions it is quite difficult to maintain a healthy relationship with a disordered person.  Hey, relationships fail even with two relatively normal people.  It's not you, you did try, okay for you to say openly it's not her so as not to trigger her, it's the relationship that is not working.

[Notwendy]

Your situation is not unusual. I observed this kind of dynamics when my elderly father got ill and my BPD mother's behavior towards him was emotionally and verbally abusive. I think if you read the Karpman triangle dynamics it will help explain this. If your relationship was you being the rescuer and your SO was in "victim mode" then you being ill is a possible reversal of this role- where you need care and empathy- and so this dynamic upsets the status quo and she reacts.

I think seeing this is a shock, it was for me to see it too, as one can't imagine our partner behaving like this. I think for you it's a revelation that in this relationship, care and emotional support goes one way. She won't change and so your decision is - do you want this for the long run or not? And you can certainly make this choice.

If you decide to leave, be prepared for your partner to be on her best behavior. The push pull dynamics is common as well. Still, the choice is yours to make.