Can a pwBPD provide emotional support?

[skaman24]

My expwBPD and I dated for two-plus years, and I suffered three reasonably difficult events in my life during that time: the end of my marriage, a personal legal issue, and my mother almost passing away. In each of those instances, my ex was able to provide emotional support in way that I needed it: comfort, reassurance, and empathy all felt… lacking.

In the experience of those who have had partners with BPD, is it possible to ever rely on them to provide emotional support in times of need? Even if they are getting significant, consistent treatment?

Thanks in advance for experiences and thoughts.

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[pursuingJoy]

I'm so sorry you went through so much in such a short period of time. Has life slowed down manageably?

In the experience of those who have had partners with BPD, is it possible to ever rely on them to provide emotional support in times of need? Even if they are getting significant, consistent treatment?

How was her support lacking? Can you put your finger on anything specific? My BPD MIL has a way of one-upping every time someone is going through something difficult. If I shared a challenge, she'd say, "Oh yes I understand, it happened to me but ten times worse." 

A pretty consistent theme I see on these boards is the need to accept the loved one with BPD where they are, set realistic expectations, and build our own support network. I'm not sure they can be relied on, and maybe it's not fair to them to rely on them for comfort and empathy.

From what I understand, it's not lack of empathy. pwBPD are very intuitive and pick up on other people's emotions, but they don't always exhibit appropriate responses. Meeting people in their grief is not a skill that most people have. I can imagine it's particularly difficult for pwBPD, not because they don't care, but because they can't get past their own hurt to see well enough to help.

[skaman24]

I’m grateful to have an extended network of family and friends to rely on through the challenging times. Therapy helped, too.

I suppose that I always relied on my ex-spouse for emotional support in trying times. She was remarkably there for me when my mom was very sick and during my legal issues. We lacked compatibility, unfortunately, on other levels.

As for my pwBPD, I find it difficult to describe in words what was lacking. Not indifference by any means, but more or less, an inability to relate, connect, or put herself in my shoes. Your MIL has an interesting response; my pwBPD would just be unable to offer the kind of support where I feel I could really rely on her.

I find it saddening to think that pwBPD cannot provide emotional support, as I see that as a hallmark need in a relationship. I have had many friends tell me that she is not right for me, because she comes off selfish and unable to give that support. The idea that someone with BPD cannot offer support - or that it is unfair to ask for it - strikes me as condemning them to never having a real intimate relationship. I guess that’s what I struggle with… I love the woman underneath the BPD, but I don’t know how to handle the lack of expressed empathy.

[pursuingJoy]

The idea that someone with BPD cannot offer support - or that it is unfair to ask for it - strikes me as condemning them to never having a real intimate relationship. I guess that’s what I struggle with… I love the woman underneath the BPD, but I don’t know how to handle the lack of expressed empathy.

Totally understandable that you feel this way. I'm not sure it has to be condemning, or that it means not having an intimate relationship. It does mean redefining your definition of a 'good relationship.' It's very possible for people to have fulfilling, successful relationships with pwBPD.

Last year I faced some major challenges with my H. The grief and anger was overwhelming and at times I felt so disillusioned and angry and depressed. Hopelessness followed.

When I got through the grief, I was able to accept reality. With it came relief and clarity. Most of us pretty have high expectations of a spouse and intimate relationships. When I accepted my H's limitations and learned to find validation and support in healthy places, I could release him to be who he was. I'm ok now, and so is he. We're much happier.

It doesn't always work out this way. It's not a one size fits all. Just want to encourage you that there are layers to this, and with time, your perspective on it may shift.

[Skip]

There are a lot of people with BPD traits in the helping professions. pwBPD are often good at reading others emotions.

My ex partner was a surgical nurse and she had a wall in her loft covered with letters and cards from patients saying what a compassionate wonderful human being she was.

But if I looked really carefully, I saw a shallowness in it. I always felt that she didn't want to get too close to it and have it take her down.

Just one experience.

[Couper]

This experience happened mere minutes ago.  In a week we (my uBPDw, two small children, and myself) will embark on a long-distance trip to see my parents, who my kids have not seen in three years.  My mother is experiencing some very inconveniencing problems that my dad believes is related to dementia and I just had a talk about it with her directly.  I thought hard about how to approach my wife with this, cautious in all things about how to react to whatever scenario she might present, and my expectation of coming away from the whole thing disappointed.

I laid out everything very carefully and... she laughed about it.  I could then tell it was shifting to a discussion about how the inconvenience would all be on her.  The ship has sailed on my looking to her for emotional support and I had no such expectation that I would get any.  My father is at his wits end caring for my mother.  If my uBPDw came to me with anything 1/10th the issue that this is and I did show the proper level of support, I would still be judged guilty of not being supportive enough / having engineered the problem myself to hurt her / fill in the blank.  If I were to laugh, I suspect she would burn the house to the ground.  My completely devoid-of-empathy uBPDw is entitled to laugh about it and I just have to bite my tongue (I did numbly remark that this is a serious issue, but there was no remorse).

So, I'm sure there are exceptions to everything.  Look for any silver lining that you can and nurture it along.  That's the only way I know to tease the good out of anything if you even suspect there is a hint of it there.  If history is any indicator, mine will now proceed to make disparaging comments about the situation to her friends with the hope that they will proclaim her as the real victim in the whole thing.  
    

[marv1995]

In my case, my ex pretended/tried to. But he could never quite get there. I suppose it's because he can't even provide emotional support for himself. I eventually just accepted that he couldn't provide me with the emotional support that I needed. He would get upset when I wouldn't confide him and he didn't understand it was because I knew I wouldn't get what I needed.

[Cat Familiar]

To answer the question posed by the title of this thread: it depends.

My husband can be very empathetic, even more so with distant acquaintances and strangers, because his emotions are less likely to be triggered.

He can be empathetic toward me too, but that can turn on a dime if somehow he feels unimportant, unappreciated, or unacknowledged.

I think he likes to think of himself as compassionate but as Skip said, there’s a superficiality about it.

[skaman24]

Thank you, all. I think this gives me terrific perspective. I can sense the superficiality of it with her. She tries, but it never seems to meet me on the emotional plane of where I am.

[TheBatHammer]

There are a lot of people with BPD traits in the helping professions. pwBPD are often good at reading others emotions.

My ex partner was a surgical nurse and she had a wall in her loft covered with letters and cards from patients saying what a compassionate wonderful human being she was.

But if I looked really carefully, I saw a shallowness in it. I always felt that she didn't want to get too close to it and have it take her down.

Just one experience.

What I've noticed is they like to be seen as having been compassionate, and to have it be known that they're a warm, good, giving person. I don't necessarily think that means they aren't, just that it's not always done selflessly. Not that this isn't fairly common among people in general.

[once removed]

I find it saddening to think that pwBPD cannot provide emotional support, as I see that as a hallmark need in a relationship.

its a pretty important need for me, too. on top of that, one thing that really attracts me to a partner is an ability to give me perspective that changes my outlook.

ive told this story a number of times, but one of my best friends since high school used to be, no exaggeration, one of the worst people i have ever met in terms of providing emotional support. we were very close, we spent a lot of time together, but the guy was incredibly insensitive, was guaranteed to say the wrong thing, and sometimes, he might even think it was funny to do so. i resented that about him, and yet, i tried, a few more times, to the same results.

one thing that ive always liked about him is that hes one of the funniest people ive ever met. i dont know if id place that as a need in most of my relationships, but its certainly a quality that makes me more likely to connect with a person. even when he couldnt provide emotional support, he was someone that felt good to be around when i needed it.

at some point, i realized emotional support, in terms of comfort or nice words, really wasnt his thing. i no longer expected it of him. our friendship improved. ironically, as the years went by, he actually became a hell of a shoulder to cry on.

i wouldnt be prepared to make a general statement about whether a person with bpd traits can provide emotional support. i can say that a lot of members here have been disappointed in, and hurt by their partners ability, or lackthereof, to do so.  i can likewise say that i felt similarly about my ex. if i was really struggling over something, i felt miles away from her, and she could often be pretty selfish and insensitive about it. it does sound like something your ex struggled with. why, and whether it was related to bpd, is hard to say.

part of loving someone with bpd...part of loving anyone, really, is recognizing their strengths, and their limitations.

and i suppose that what i mean is that there are lots of different forms of emotional support. it may not mean having the right words, or the ability to climb into the depths with you. sometimes, its just having company. my dads way of doing it was to cook. some people will try to cheer you up. some people will try to make you laugh. some will just be with you and listen. and some will inevitably, even if well meaning, make it about themselves. and in all cases, it may depend on what the other person is going through, and/or the extent to which they can relate.

generally speaking, we are the "rock" in the relationship. its not always easy.

[jmbl]

and i suppose that what i mean is that there are lots of different forms of emotional support. it may not mean having the right words, or the ability to climb into the depths with you. sometimes, its just having company. my dads way of doing it was to cook. some people will try to cheer you up. some people will try to make you laugh. some will just be with you and listen. and some will inevitably, even if well meaning, make it about themselves. and in all cases, it may depend on what the other person is going through, and/or the extent to which they can relate.

I appreciate this statement so much. This is something I have had to learn in my relationship: just because his emotional support doesn’t look like mine does, does not mean it is not there. Setting realistic expectations is imperative and works to improve the relationship and emotional support available.

My partner is in a helping profession. People gravitate to him and he is in tune w their emotions. I have often asked myself ‘why isn’t he in tune with mine?’ When I approached this with him, he told me that he is in tune with my emotions and, in fact, can pick up on them very quickly. He also informed me that he takes on other peoples’ emotions quite heavily, and when it comes to those closest to him (i.e., me) it’s extremely hard for him to see me upset and it disrupts his own emotional balance. This doesn’t mean that he cannot provide me emotional support, just that he has to do it in his way and I have to trust that he’s there for me. It’s an interesting balance, but my understanding and acceptance of this has made a difference. Of course, there are times when I feel the need for more - have a solid support network is imperative.

[waverider]

Its hard to generalise, but there is often a danger of them hijacking your issues. In my case my wife will use my "issues" to highlight that issues are a big thing, and hence i should take her self created ones more seriously. Typically making a mountain out of a molehill and often leaving you feeling worse.

Playing the "rescuer" can also be seen as a flip side of BPD and as Skip says can be shallow, being just more badges of merit to showcase self validating grand gestures (look how good I am, and everyone appreciates me).

Yes they can be highly sensitive and pick up on the slightest nuances of when things are not right, but they often have very poor diagnostic skills and so attribute the 'issue' to something completely unrelated, often with the first motivation being to ensure they are not being held accountable for it.

[Chosen]

To answer the question posed by the title of this thread: it depends.

He can be empathetic toward me too, but that can turn on a dime if somehow he feels unimportant, unappreciated, or unacknowledged.

I think he likes to think of himself as compassionate but as Skip said, there’s a superficiality about it.

My experience echoes Cat's somewhat.  He can be empathetic when it's clear that what I'm experiencing needs empathy.  For example, when my mother was dying.  He was super supportive.  Because I mean, it would be clear to anyone that a person with a critically-ill mother would need emotional support.

But when it gets to things that's purely emotional, for instance me saying I'm stressed at preparing the kids for school, then he doesn't seem very empathetic.  It seems that either a) he doesn't understand why I'm having the emotions I'm having; b) he feels similar so he isn't capable for being empathetic (as he needs empathy as well), and c) judges me and thinks it's not right for me to feel that way, that I'm causing stress to myself and therefore shouldn't be "rewarded" with empathy.

So from my experience, a pwBPD can provide emotional support, but on their terms only.  If they're not willing/ unable to do so, then there is no way to get support out of them.

[Cromwell]

She was in real terms, some moments o went through it felt as if no one else could deliver the emotional support she offered. Its a matter of being fooled at the time but with a positive outcome.

Can they provide it, yes, is it what id call based on genuine empathy, id veer towards no, it was a highly convincing facade.

[Tahoma]

In the experience of those who have had partners with BPD, is it possible to ever rely on them to provide emotional support in times of need? Even if they are getting significant, consistent treatment?

Well, if my pwBPD is anything to judge by, they can offer superficial support as part of the seduction package deal, before the relationship becomes something they can take for granted--or to lure you back when they sense they've pushed you away too hard.

Unfortunately, it seems that they perceive the ordinary obligations of actually being in--and maintaining--a relationship as a burden and a barrier to having their needs met...and, as someone whose needs went unmet to such a degree that they developed BPD, that probably seems rational to them.

This leaves the pwBPD's partner trying to reframe/rationalize/find a way to accept the lack of support (like I've been doing for too long), or recognize that one would receive the same level of support being alone and, consequently, consider ending (or letting the pwBPD end) the relationship.

Your situation or outlook may differ, but that's my 2 cents' worth...