Back here again

[Foolish man]

So here I am again, researching, reading other posts , trying to make sense of the relationship and why I still keep going
Ex diagnosed BPD but untreated
We have known each other for 3 years , in that time we met , she moved in after 4 weeks and then left again 3 months later for a married man. That relationship ended after his divorce,we got back together , she got pregnant . We soon split again and she went back to married man.all this time we kept in contact
During lockdown she was pregnant and living in a bedsit miles away with no cooking facilities.
So she came back as I didn’t want her living there . We split again after the birth as she wanted her own space and we had some spectacular rows ( some of the things she told my 12 year old daughter were disgusting ) I made the split this time
She then went through 2 more fellas and then we got close again
For 6 months we had a hidden relationship , where it looked like we co parented but we were together. Then she said I’m not happy , we split . New fella , and he has been living there since they met ( lots of drama again in this relationship)
I had hoped that having a child would calm things down and maybe help her priorities ( she is a good mum as baby is well looked after ,he is 1) but this outside drama , 4 diff men in her life in a year will affect him
I really need help in understanding why I still hanker for this relationship , I know I want a safe environment for my son and staying close helps me know what’s going on ( she tells me all the bad things happening in her relationship , like I’m her go to guy )
Is this trauma bonding . I’m lucid moments in know it’s not good for older children to be around her , but I want to . I miss her , sometime , I miss not being there for my son all the time
I gives me strength to know that if things go really wrong with her she will come to me but also I tears me apart
Constantly ruminating , etc
Councilling not available for a while yet
I see these patterns of behaviour across these boards , but I continue to think I can do this , I can be strong enough to keep this up ….

[B53]

I’m so sorry you have gone through so much! Having children together does complicate things and makes NC impossible, which is often the only way to break free. I know you are going through a lot and I don’t want to add to that pain, but with her jumping back and forth with men, how do you know that it is your child? She has proved that she can’t be trusted. She could of run back to you because you were more suited to be a good father. Something to think about.

Hang in there and focus on taking care of yourself and your son.

[Foolish man]

Hi yes he def my son