BIFF: Quick Responses to High-Conflict People ~ William Eddy, Esq

[EZEarache]

BIFF: Quick Responses to High-Conflict People Author: Bill Eddy, Esq Publisher: Unhooked Books; Second edition (September 16, 2014) Paperback: 176 pages ISBN-10: ‎ 1936268728 ISBN-13: 978-1936268726

Towards the end of the relationship with my exGFwBPD, I shared a text communication with my therapist that summed up the course most of our fights would take. My therapist suggested that I read "BIFF Quick Responses to High-Conflict People, Their Personal Attacks, Hostile Email and Social Media Meltdowns" The introduction to this book, that briefly explained high conflict people and their associated personality disorders took me down the BPD rabbit hole. I've been using the principles in this book to some success to reduce the amount of conflict with my Ex.

Has anyone in a co-parenting relationship with their BPD read, BIFF for CoParent Communication: Your Guide to Difficult Texts, Emails, and Social Media Posts (Conflict Communication Series, 3) ?

If so, did you find it useful beyond the information contained in the first BIFF book?

[Selfishsally]

No, but that seems like a good resource. I am new to the co parent journey. Most likely if you are able to spend extra time and effort on bettering your communication right now it will save you that time and effort in the future. That way you can have time and energy to actually focus on career and hobbies. That is the hope anyway!

[Turkish]

Your BIFF responses seemed good. Did you feel that you addressed what you needed to? Have you seen the discussion here?

2.03 | B.I.F.F. Technique for Communications

I've found that this works verbally as well.

[Skip]

2.03 | B.I.F.F. Technique for Communications

Good discussion in workshop 2.03

There are three books in the series.

BIFF: Quick Responses to High-Conflict People, Their Personal Attacks, Hostile Email and Social Media Meltdowns

BIFF at Work: Your Guide to Difficult Workplace Communication (BIFF Conflict Communication Series, 2)

BIFF for CoParent Communication: Your Guide to Difficult Texts, Emails, and Social Media Posts (Conflict Communication Series, 3)

Free Biff: https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/Family-Court-BPD.pdf

I haven't read them all, but Bill is a good writer and a very straight forward guy and I would think this another good book. I think the utility of reading another BIFF book depends on your overall knowledge of BPD and tools for dealing with BPD people. It sounds like you are relatively new to the subject.

Self help books in the area tend to fall into four categories:

• How to help someone with BPD
• How to defend against someone with BPD
• What's going on with you? What are you in a caretaker relationship?
• PWBPD are evil - treat them with contempt

I would put Eddy's book in category 2.  I would think it will be helpful to read something from category one (example) - not so much to learn how to help your ex - but to better understand her psyche and avoid things that are going to trigger difficult reaction.  For example, pwBPD traits are very easily invalidated and will react very defensively to it. Learning how "not to be invalidating" is a very useful skill.


Communication Skills - Don't Be Invalidating

The trick with BIFF (brief, informative, friendly, firm) is to do it without being invalidating. I think Bill could make that point clearer.

People tend to latch on the the "firm". The "friendly" aspects is very important. It's important to deliver the message without attitude, without contempt, without resentment, and without condescension.

We often suggest that you write your BIFF note as if the other party wasn't being difficult. First, translate their note to "BIFF" and then response to it in BIFF.

I'm tired of your last minute changes, dropping her off with dirty clothes, and your stupidity, bad parenting, and for always giving me crappy Christmas presents when we were married your wiener-less slug. Whatever, you can get her at 9:30.

BIFF translation of her message,

I got your message. Short notice creates problems with my work schedule. Yes you can pick her up at 9:30. And help me out, please be on time and please drop her off with clean clothes.

BIFF response,

I know its frustrating, sorry. Thanks for working with me on this. I'll be sure drop her off with clean clothes. I'll be there at 9:30 sharp for pickup and 6:30 for drop off.

[kells76]

Has anyone in a co-parenting relationship with their BPD read, BIFF for CoParent Communication: Your Guide to Difficult Texts, Emails, and Social Media Posts (Conflict Communication Series, 3) ?

If so, did you find it useful beyond the information contained in the first BIFF book?

While I haven't read the books, DH and I have benefitted greatly from using the concepts when communicating about the kids to their mom. DH has been able to move from "Old EZEarache" responses to "New EZEarache" responses much like you -- in the past, he would want to get analytical, and debate, and justify, and "make her see", etc etc etc. And then she'd get fuel for her fire... something about "be careful about wrestling with a pig..." if you know what I mean.

10+ years past the divorce, and she is still her. She can't (won't? doesn't matter) stop herself from the "digs" and "jabs" at him. Again, she must have needed us to watch the kids overnight (this happened a couple of months ago too), and again, she made sure to let DH know that "she asked the kids if they felt comfortable with staying with him". Ten years, no change. So much "bait" being dangled in front of DH to engage with, implications of how superior she is at parenting, that the kids choose her, that DH makes the kids uncomfortable... lots of petty, hurtful stuff.

BIFF stops those cycles of escalation and fanning the flames. It helps you, the user of BIFF, to short-circuit your own emotional escalation so you don't start running in circles after the bait. Just stick to logistics, stick to the format, and be done with the engagement, for your own good.

All that being said... coming back to what I mentioned. While I haven't read the books, I can't imagine that reading them would be a bad use of time. Can't think of any reason NOT to read them and skill-build. Certainly the "BIFF at Work" sounds less pertinent; on the other hand, treating coparenting as a "job you are working together on" is a good way to tone down the out of control emotions and stay focused on what is successful for the kids.

Just some thoughts...

kells76

[BPDFamily]

THIS THREAD IS A DISCUSSION OF BIFF OR THE BOOK