Feeling Alone

[MsCamper]

Laying in bed is hard. I cannot help but thank about the day that has passed as I go to sleep or the one I have to face as I wake up.

My husband refuses to talk to me during the day. We are both working and I am 100% game on not pestering the tar out of each other but little things changed quickly. I would send a quick lunch text that would say I love you. They were responded to with I am busy. I would ask how his route was going, as this determined the 5 hour window he would get off in. I would get I am busy or to stop making him feel rushed. When I attempted to speak to  him about why I asked about the route (I knew well enough to dodge my feelings on the I love you) that went over like a bag of rocks. I attempted to explain that I would enjoy being able to see him in the evenings but if it was going to be late in the evening I would like the opportunity to venture off on my own. No matter how I attempted to explain that I was not upset and I knew his schedule was out of his control, he took my attempt at asking for details as an attack. His resolution is to not speak to me at all during the work day, from the time he leaves to the time he returns. I plan my day as if he will be home late, nothing major planned just a run or cooking dinner based upon my hunger schedule. This is being frowned upon as I should know he could come home early and then I receive the cold shoulder for having eaten or wanting to maintain my running schedule.

He rarely touches me. I understand from my readings and our past that my husband's affections come and go. It has been weeks since he has really even touched me. I feel like I need to thank him when he holds my hand or gives me the slightest kiss. I cannot make any moves towards him without him pulling away. He flinches at my touch most days.

My own emotional and physical needs are in pretty poor shape and I do not feel I can express this to him without it becoming me "whining" or "being self centered and needy". I feel abandoned and alone. Any tools for dealing with these feelings?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[RandomName123456]

Hello!

I am so sorry you are going through this and emphasize with you 100%. My pwBPD acts in almost an identical way. When she is having an episode, I love you's are not returned or are mocked. It is so very painful when someone so dear to you does this. I know it hurts so bad to have that occur!

The best advice I have received so far for self care, you are not in charge of your pwBPD's emotions. This is a very hard concept to grasp at times, you want to do nothing more than make your person feel loved and to receive that love in return. To put this into practice for myself, and hopefully this can help you, I plan things and instead of ask "Will be you ready by 8pm" I just tell them, albeit in a polite way, "We are going to get dinner at 8pm." For instance, one approach could be when you text at lunch "Tonight I'm going for a run at 6pm and dinner will be ready at 8pm. Love you." A problem my partner seems to suffer from, is when the emotions are so high she can not take anymore inputs and small asks feel like I'm just trying to burden her. Her emotional state completely engulfs her mind. This technique works for me.

I try to keep it concise, to the point, and oddly emotionless. I always put in an I Love You, even if it won't be reciprocated.

It is imperative to make and keep your schedule, when you fall into the vortex that the BPD creates it becomes impossible to maintain your own composure.

[Ventak]

Welcome Ms Camper, glad you found us and so sorry you are experiencing this isolation.

I really liked Random's advice, if you try it out could you let us know how it goes?

As Random said, self care is crucial.  Think of the analogy of oxygen on the airplane... if you don't take care of yourself first, you can't properly take care of the child.  Unfortunately, pwBPD lack emotional maturity so you need to provide the emotional stability in the relationship.  When you lack a good support system, this can be difficult.  What are you doing to take care of yourself?

[Woolspinner2000]

Mscamper, 

I'm really glad you reached out to us and shared some of your story. This is really tough, to feel so lonely in your marriage. I often felt more lonely in my marriage than anywhere else, so I can very much relate.

Randomname and Ventak have both shared some helpful thoughts. Do you think it would be helpful to reach out to some of your friends to get some of your emotional needs met in healthy ways, like walks in the park, a movie, a cup of coffee? This was a way that helped me to not feel so lonely. Silent treatment can be so tough.

 
Wools

[Chosen]

Hi MsCamper,

I can empathise with you saying it's lonely when you crave intimacy and yet he pulls away at your touch.  I get that often.  In fact, I'm getting this lately.  Like, he wouldn't even allow me to kiss him.  So yeah... I get you.

In order to stay sane, I try not to think too much about it.  If I want to kiss him, I try to do so.  If he pulls away, I try not to get too upset about it.  Hey, I've tried.  Whether or not it is reciprocated is not something I can control.  I know it's not a "normal" feeling- obviously when you desire somebody you want them to desire you too, and you're expected to feel upset if they don't.  But I don't think it works in a relationship with a pwBPD. 

Hang in there.  Sorry I don't have much wisdom to give, not being in a very good place myself.  But just want you to know that there's other people experiencing similar things here as well.