Try to better understand push/pull - uBPD

[Rose123]

Hello,

I’d like to write down a part of my story, to better understand what’s happening. Why do some people with (u)BPD do not just back off (after a discard), instead of suggesting to call/to meet up and don't keep their promises?

In short: I had a good friend, meaby with undiagnosed BPD, who discarded me (over a minor thing) and who never let go of me completely.

One evening we were in a little company and I 'said something wrong' (which I didn't know at the time). A couple of weeks (2-3) went by, without me noticing her grief/sadness/anger. As suddenly, I received an e-mail from her, stating me being a person who makes fun of people in public, playing mental power games, lashing out at others a lot, etc. and that she didn't want to be friends anymore.

I didn't understand at all, because I didn't notice the evening itself that I'd done 'something wrong'. It was a pleasant evening, with laughter etc. and I even got a postcard (before 'I said something wrong'), stating how much I mean to her and a text message from her afterwards stating 'how a nice evening it was' and 'how pleasant company I had been’.

The evening after she sent the e-mail, I received a phonecall, in which she said 'she meaby didn't want to completely block me', 'that I do have empathy' and with a question to me 'to give her time’. Afterwards, after a week, I received a text message from her, asking me how I was doing.

A couple of months ago we talked for about an hour, most of the time I cried. During that conversation she told me she'd still thought about our friendship, she'd wondered how I was doing, she'd thought about me probably not understanding, first getting a post card stating how much I mean to her, and a few days later receiving an email discarding me. After that statement, I cried even more. She touched me in what I felt: confusion and not understanding (at all). She continued with saying I always could (video)call her when I wanted to talk. In the evening, after work. (I didn't call her)

Two weeks later, I received a text, in the evening, 'hi, are u feeling better? I hope so'. I couldn't stand answering and said 'I'm feeling better' and that I was hoping she's doing ok. I ended with that 'I'd actually like to have a conversation with her, in a quiet way, in a quiet place.' She answered she was in for a talk and that she was doing fairly good. (Didn't happen)

From that moment on, we had two more manor conversations, about problems she was facing (part of the conversations she was crying, while I was trying to be supportive). One ended up with the statement she still wanted to talk with me (if I still wanted that - because that talk hadn't gotten around yet) or, she proposed, we could just do something fun together. (Didn't happen) The other ended with her saying she was feeling isolated more and more (covid) and wanted to meet up. (Didn't happen)

Afterward, she initiated contact twice more, asking me to have phone calls, but I couldn’t answer them those times, because I was out with other friends. I did though propose to call her back the days after (but got the silent treatment twice).

Later on, we did settle a datum for having a coffee, but when I was on my way, she cancelled our appointment (because of sudden backache) and asked to delay (Didn't happen). A while later, she sent me a text, stating she could meet up during a certain period. But when I texted her during that period, she gave me the silent treatment again.

I’m in therapy because of childhood traumas and codependency. My counselor suspects my former friend might suffer from BPD and states this is a toxic interpersonal relationship, which I suffer greatly.

I don’t understand her behavior. If she doesn’t want to be friends anymore, why doesn’t she just back off and leave me be? Why does she still suggest to call/to meet up, while not keeping her promises? Every time I get her disappearance as a result.

I read a lot about ‘Cluster B’ and discussed this with my therapist. I decided to back off myself, to not reach out to her anymore. But still don't understand the push/pull well enough to let it go.

Does anyone know this ‘modus operandi’? What does it mean? And most of all: where does it come from? How can I better understand?

Regards

[Cromwell]

Hi Rose123

Simply put the way I make sense of the push pull, is to see the push away as a result of that moment of devaluation which is based in dysregulation.

Im not sure if it wore off as such but i think that my response was to leave and this could have triggered a fear of abandonment which was then more overide than the devaluation. She chased after me and straight into bed before i had a chance to process anything.

These are a little bit tricky concepts i had to make sense of as a non, i think a therapist will be able to guide you and explain them, they are both hallmarks of the disorder. Hope that helps.