Seeking advice / BPD sister is 'poisoning' her adopted child against me...

[Zinny]

Newbie here,
Have been reading and educating myself.  Have very difficult situation.  My sister is a DBT  specialist (therapist).  After 30+ years of her roller coaster and recent estrangement, I have figured out that she is likely BPD (has most of the characteristics) ... has been psychotic and suicidal in the past.  Last year she asked for my facebook password... saying she wanted to see whats going on.  I gave it to her and she proceeded to plow through years worth of fb messages.  In those messages, I and the people I used to support her, would discuss her current status.  As I didn't live in the same city, they were on call to make sure she was still alive. 

She has cherry picked pieces of these private messages, which I did not give her permission to look at and has read them to her teenage son, who I adopted for her.  We have in many ways co-parented him, and now he has not only been poisoned by her deceitful behavior, but has been drawn into her psychological issues ... just like my Dad did to her.

I would like to have this mediated to have access to my nephew, as would happen in a divorce.  Very tricky and not sure how to proceed.  If anyone has experience in this arena, would be grateful for advice. 

For additional info, I have know all along she was struggling mentally.  She has split with everyone in her past life, with the exception of some gf's who live out of town (they aren't around long enough for her to be disappointed). But she has never revealed the gravity of her problem. I too am at a point of understanding her situation, but have had it with the rage and horrific behavior... And she has used her son as a pawn against our extended family.  It's such a mess. ((

[pursuingJoy]

Zinny my goodness, this is a mess. I'm sorry for all that's brought you here. Welcome. You've landed with a supportive group!

How old is the teenage son? Has he spent most of his life with you? If he's spent enough time with you, I imagine there's a chance he'd come back around, even if his mom is currently poisoning him. If you have any specific legal questions around custody or visitation rights, you may find more information on the "Conflicted" board here on BPDFamily. That's a common topic of conversation there.

Does your sister still have access to your Facebook account? When did all this happen?

It's got to be heartbreaking to see her use her son as a pawn.

[Zinny]

Thank you for your reply Pursuing Joy.  He is almost 16, and I've lived out of the city he's in for years, but have spent significant time with him.  Yes, we have a good foundation, so I suspect that will hold.  The last 2 times I saw him, he glared at me very strangely (April... before I figured this out in May)... and then early June she lied to me in front of him (confirmed lie) and he was a part of that charade...

As I was peeling the onion layers, I suspected she had invaded my privacy ... ironically one of the notes she saw was me saying I didn't trust her ... 3 years ago.  But we then had a spell of good times and I had no suspicions that she would be up to anything ... Very much a Dr. Jeykl/Mr. Hyde personality.  So yes, I changed the password, prior to her letting me know that she read and screen printed them all. 

Thanks for your suggestion... will be seeking avenues and/or hoping for the best.  It is truly a tragic situation in so many ways ((.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Zinny, 

Glad you're here, and I'd like to join PJ in welcoming you to our online family!

When I was growing up with my uBPDm, there came a point when I was 12 years old that she banned us from seeing any of my dad's side of the family, including my aunts, uncles, and grandparents. What made it worse was that my grandparents lived just one house away. My uBPDm regularly told us how bad, horrible, mean and untrustworthy the aunts and my grandparents were. Guess you must have joined the same crowd, right? 

Here's the important thing that I wanted to share with you. Once I got old enough to start to think for myself as an adult and ask questions, even though I was afraid, I began to find out that they weren't who she said they were. Then my fear started to go away the more I healed. Now I love them dearly because I know them as the real people they truly are.

The fact that you have had a good relationship is the foundation for the future, even though at the moment it doesn't look or feel that way. Stay consistent in who you are and how you interact with your nephew. That stability will be what he needs at some point in time down the road.

 
Wools