Sister's wedding feels like the last straw

[mapletree12]

My sister is not diagnosed with BPD, officially, but it seems that she has it. She is getting married this year and, as a result, we've had a lot more contact. She made me her maid of honor, so I've had a lot on my plate with organizing parties for her. Most recently, I went to her bachelorette that I organized. I felt incredibly prepared for this (emotionally), and, frankly, I feel as if I did a good job. She was insecure during the bachelorette, so sent a lot of insults my way, but I felt emotionally disconnected from all of them. Everything went well until the last night of the weekend when she accused my cousin of gaslighting her and started screaming and crying. This resulted in everyone in the house having to stay up all night to comfort her for this perceived slight, etc. As expected, the next morning she acted as if nothing had happened the night before. I drove (she doesn't drive) everyone back to my parents' house (where she is living) on basically 2 hours of sleep. Everything was fine enough when we got to my parents' house. But she snagged me late in the afternoon and I rose to the bait, due to total frustration. She hugged me and said, "I'm sorry you're always so stressed about parties and people etc. etc." and I couldn't help myself and said, "The only thing that stressed me out was your behavior on Saturday night." This resulted in her yelling at me until I retreated behind a closed door. Then she and her fiancé started screaming at my father, and left the house. She has now sent me very long text messages heavily implying she is going to cut me from the wedding. I just want to maintain the peace until this wedding is over and I can limit my contact. I guess I'm not looking for advice, just a place to vent.

[Turkish]

Her fiance sounds similar to her, is that your view?

Do you want to participate in the wedding now?

It's hard to get caught up in emotional turmoil. You're hurt. It must be especially grating given the work you've put in.

How do you see moving forward?

[zachira]

Unfortunately your experiences with your sister are in one way or another a familiar story that gets repeated over and over again for those of us who have family members with BPD. The drama never ends and when you are the sister of a sister with BPD behaviors, you are a primary target for the dumping of your sister's dysregulated feelings. You have given your sister endless second chances and no matter how generous and nice you are, she ends up getting mad and treating you badly. You care about your sister and want to help her and can't do anything that makes her happy. What a polarizing distressing experience? First you are chosen as the maid of honor, you organize a bachelorette for her, and now she is hinting about not inviting you to the wedding. Know that her behaviors though extremely hurtful and heartbreaking have absolutely nothing to do with you, and this is how your sister will always be. The level of contact you choose to have with your sister is up to you, and may vary over the years. Do what works best for you. We are here to support you and listen. Do keep us updated on how you are doing and let us know how we can be the most helpful.

[Mommydoc]

Mapletree12, welcome to this site. This is a good place to vent and also get advice.  I think your plan to keep the peace through the wedding, riding it out so to speak through the drama of the wedding and then limiting contact is a good strategy.  All weddings, even with highly functional individuals seem to stir up drama.  You just have to expect that to be amplified with your sister. Keep coming back here as things play out, and you will find great support that will help you get through it.

I wish I had understood BPD when I was Maid of Honor in my sisters wedding 20 years ago, as it would have helped immensely. You are so far ahead of the game to have that awareness.  I did not meet her now husband until after they were engaged, and she had asked me to be the maid of honor. There were some red flags in the relationship that I picked up on immediately; his best man and I felt these needed to be surfaced, which we did. I have no regrets in bringing it up with her, as all of my concerns have been validated, and I would have never forgiven myself if I had said nothing. Very predictably, she blew up at the suggestion that things weren’t perfect and just like you, told me she no longer wanted me in the wedding.  I apologized for raising any doubts, and went back to playing the perfect MOH role, we got through it.  It was definitely a case of walking on eggshells, but I survived it. There was continued drama, which you can probably expect, but the approach I took of “playing the role” made it easier for me to detach/depersonalize her behavior, and make it through.

Know that her behaviors though extremely hurtful and heartbreaking have absolutely nothing to do with you, and this is how your sister will always be. The level of contact you choose to have with your sister is up to you, and may vary over the years. Do what works best for you.

Zachira’ s comment is spot on. Go with your gut and do what is right for you, and know that you can do everything right and she will likely erupt due to the stress of the wedding.  Good luck. I hope you will continue to come back here for emotional support.