fathers death part 2

[yamada]

So my sister UNPD who legally got control of my parents money and welfare and refused to include me in any aspect of their lives up to the point of waiting 24 hours to tell me now is being so considerate and inclusive its almost worst than my father's death.. She is not allowed to communicate with me direct but is being so kind and reasonable I keep waiting for the punch.. I keep wondering why is she doing this? Is this a show for others

[Notwendy]

My best advice is for you to not react to the mood swings either way- sort of be an anchor while her emotions swing. This way, you don't add to the drama. Another term for this is "medium chill" being cordial, detached, polite, no matter what mood she's in- you don't reinforce it.

I agree, it's uncomfortable when they are acting nice. It's hard to believe it, it feels manipulative, but if it is, being medium chill, shows her she can't control you with her moods- good ones or bad ones.

I had gone to the hospital on Dad's last day to see him, but wasn't there when he passed away. Apparently BPD mother called other relatives but not me. I found out when one of Dad's relatives called me to say "sorry" a while later. It wasn't 24 hours like you, but it also felt like a diss from her. I think it's important to not take this personally (and I understand it's hard to not take it personally) It's more about her than you.

Sometimes BPD mom is nice to me, sometimes she's not. It's hard to know the reason. Best thing I can think of is to stay centered on your feelings- and not be reactive to hers. Take care of you.

[zachira]

Some of the most uncomfortable times with a sibling after a parent dies can be their pretend niceness which does not make sense considering how badly you have been treated over the years. It feels manipulative and is. I often have longed for the pretend niceness of my family members to be real, and at times I have opened myself up too much in hopes of real changes in their character and reconciliation. Be careful what you share, as this can make you more vulnerable to being taken advantage of and can be very distressing when your sister does something else that is cruel and unreasonable. The stress of worrying about what your sister might do next can seem unbearable at times, as people like her are constantly moving the goal posts; trying to mindread and predict what she could do is futile because you would never lower yourself to doing the things she has done to you.
Part of what your sister is doing is definitely a show for others. If your sister makes herself look good with the family and friends, than it gives her more power to get them to believe what she says about you.
My siblings restricted my access to my mother in the years before she died, and took over after her death, planning the funeral and cheating me out of my mother's things which were supposed to be divided between us. The disputes continue due to jointly held properties which are not worth much and an unsettled estate. I hope you will not have any legal reasons you have to maintain contact with your sister, even if it is indirect contact.

[madeline7]

The forced niceness was before my Dad's passing, being excluded came after in my case. I always thought the lesser of the 2 evils would be feeling like I was being included even if it wasn't genuine. The sad realization is that for me it truly comes down to choosing between the "2 evils", both scenarios are not healthy for me. But what I discovered is that i did not make the choice, the unhealthy family members did, and I felt like I had no say in the narrative of my life. So the death of my parent in a way lifted the toxic veil and I saw the unhealthy dynamics more clearly. The ongoing process is for me to make gains in controlling the narrative.

[Notwendy]

There could be many reasons for the "niceness" but I think their behavior is more a reflection of them than anyone else.

My father's passing changed the dynamics in the family for me. Perhaps they were always there, but I saw them more at this time. Split us in two really- my mother and her people were in one camp. I keep an emotional guard up around them.

[yamada]

Thank You do much, what a relief to know that others have experienced it...I have maintained firm boundaries..she doesn't get to talk to me at all.. she talks to my husband. I got told by the funeral director how my mother and sister talk very highly of me..and I said how lovely, I just wish she had not alienated my brother and myself from our father..

out of all this I had forgotten that I am not alone...I have been contacted by many people who knew what was happening and received so much support, that I am humbled..

My sister's reality will rear its head and it will be about wills and money and times from the house.

[Notwendy]

Unfortunately, these kinds of dynamics seem to be more common than we thought.

I also felt comforted by members of my father's family who were a support to me at the time. From my mother's side- very little. I saw them briefly at the funeral and after that, didn't hear from them.

For me, this time was revealing of who cared I thought of as "family". I realize that people have different capacities to be emotionally supportive, but the lack of communication from my mother's side had me wondering. Old friends from long ago, and people who lived a distance from me would send a condolence email with a kind statement.

It helped that people acknowledged the relationship because, at that time, I wasn't sure if my parents did, or my mother's family did. I felt like a visitor at the funeral, not a relative. I didn't sit with my mother or other family, but that was my decision. Perhaps their lack of communication was part my avoiding them. But I was distraught and sad and could not deal with interacting with her at that time.

I really did appreciate the people who made the effort to send an email or just a quick kind note.

[zachira]

Yamada,
You are receiving support from many other people and you are feeling humbled by knowing how many fine people there are unlike your mother and sister. I have found the more that I share appropriately with the right people how certain family members have mistreated me and the more I set healthy boundaries with everybody the more support I get and the more empowered I feel. Yesterday my niece who I thought I might never see again, drove several hours to secretly surprise visit me despite both of her parents attempts to discredit me. You know that there is a lot of good that can come your way, at the same time, it is important to be proactive when it comes to the problems you are anticipating with the will and the settling of your father's estate. I am still shocked beyond belief how my siblings have handled my mother's estate and all legal issues we have in common after my mother died. You may want to consult some good legal sources: law libraries that are free with librarians who are lawyers, free lawyer consults, do a one hour paid consult with a reputable attorney. I have had so many people tell me absolute horrror stories about the settling of estates after a close family member had died. Your story unfortunately is far too common, though when you tell others who are capable of empathy and compassionate how you are being treated by your sister and mother, you will likely be surprised just how many friends, neighbors, people on the street have similar experiences to yours. I am glad you are feeling less alone, and finding more support.

[yamada]

thank you all for your help.
After my dad died I found out that he may not have been her biological father.. seemed quite a few knew of my mother's affair with another man...especially as my parents were told they couldn't have any more kids.. My head is reeling..

[Notwendy]

Yikes, that is a shock!

Not sure it makes much difference in the current issues if your father raised her as his own.

Emotionally though- that is a lot for you to deal with.

[Mommydoc]

Wow, Yamada that is a shock. More to process.

I wish you the best with your sister.  I like Not Wendy’s suggestion of medium chill.  I used to get totally sucked in when my sister was in her nice mode, as she can really put on the charm. As  time has gone on her “evil twin” shows up way more frequently, and my therapist, reminds me frequently, not to let down my guard, no matter how nice she is.  It is a matter of when, not if, the other side resurfaces.  Zachira is also right.  Do not make the mistake (which I used to make all the time) of being vulnerable or sharing anything personal.  I thought that was a way to re-establish a closer relationship, but every time, it came back to me in very hurtful ways, when she went into a rage, as she is a master at distorting things and turning them on me.  I have mastered being kind, but emotionally aloof while still appreciative whether she is being sweet ( rare these days), ignoring me, or in a rage.  I need to figure out how to better validate my sister in the medium chill mode as she is very intuitive, and I think she recognizes that I interact  with her differently than I used to.  Bottom line, is we can only control how we react.  Hopefully, we will all continue to master that part, even though it won’t change our family members wBPD.

Zachira! I was so thrilled to read

Yesterday my niece who I thought I might never see again, drove several hours to secretly surprise visit me despite both of her parents attempts to discredit me.

. It made my day and I am sure yours.    Celebrating with you, your nieces love and kindness.

I try to celebrate all of the amazing support I receive from other family members and friends, here,  as well as my mothers gratitude and well being, while accepting that my sister loves me in her own distorted way.  I accept that we will never regain the loving relationship I thought we had.  My family feels like she is getting worse, and my guess things will devolve further. Letting go of the “ hope” of a positive relationship has helped me tremendously. 

Hopefully your sister does not learn of the affair and the doubt of her paternity, as it could trigger her more severely and impact you in unpredictable ways.  Stay strong and know you are not alone. And practice self compassion as you process through all of this.  It is going to take time.   

[yamada]

yes...it is a shock. But all of a sudden things are coming back and now make sense.. I don't think my father knew about her paternity.,.She is 12 years younger than me.  My mother made up an elaborate story and its like watching a soap opera, however I hope she never does one of those ancestors DNA's. I was told my 5 people because my father died and my sister is so vile.  They were sick of watching it.  I have not bought into her niceness because I don't trust her and I have stopped the usual story of a crisis makes us forget all evils.  The pattern has changed...however hard it is.. But it would be worse if we went back to told ways.. I am struggling but I knew I would. You are all wonderful for your words