Enablers: Did you identify them around your BPDex?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

There was no way my BPDex could've gotten to where she was without some help.  People covering for her, helping with her excuses, denying there was any real problem going on with her.  Always other people.  Her enablers, the ones who kept it going.

I'm wondering if you were able to identify these people either while in the relationship or after the break.  I think it is important because it can help us in the future identify   s as they pop up.

BPDex Family
My ex was the youngest of 8 kids, pretty much an "oops" baby.  Spoiled in many ways which I need not go into.  I said I would continue to spoil her, and I did.  Her next youngest sister (7+ years older?) had grown children of her own, but treated my 49 yr old BPDex like one of them.  Call her "K."   When my ex decided impulsively to abandon her house and take a job 700 miles away, her other family members were very concerned.  K said, "It'll be good for you to get out".

When I went to visit her sister and brother one weekend, my BPDx said I had brought brats to grill for everyone.  I said, she was mistaken (already a problem, right), I did not have brats for everyone.  I had texted her I had one for her before our 3 hour trip up north.  Later, when driving to get dinner she pulled over the car and said, "I'm fine with you correcting me (she wasn't), but K will not tolerate you disagreeing with me in front of others.  So don't do it."  She liked K obviously, and if she made plans with me, but K called afterwards, I was out.

BPDex Friends
She had two close friends and a group of teammates who played softball weekly in the summer.  She had known all them for the better part of 25 yrs.  One friend in particular covered for her constantly, we'll call her "B".  The first night I met B we were in a bar having cocktails and appetizers.  When we left, my BPDx forgot her wallet (a common occurrence that I already noticed).  It turns out B's live-in boyfriend also left the keys behind in the booth (he smoked a lot of marijuana--for pain you know).  As those two went back in to the bar I asked B. "Does [BPDx] forget her keys like this often?"  B answered, "No, it must be you. You're distracting her."  I knew the right answer, and that was not it.  I knew I wouldn't get an honest answer from B. about anything regarding my ex.  In fact, it would be clear B. would only be too eager to assess blame to me for any inappropriate actions my BPDx would take.

[Ad Meliora]

There was no way my BPDex could've gotten to where she was without some help.  People covering for her, helping with her excuses, denying there was any real problem going on with her.  Always other people.  Her enablers, the ones who kept it going.

I'm wondering if you were able to identify these people either while in the relationship or after the break.  I think it is important because it can help us in the future identify   s as they pop up.

BPDex Family
My ex was the youngest of 8 kids, pretty much an "oops" baby.  Spoiled in many ways which I need not go into.  I said I would continue to spoil her, and I did.  Her next youngest sister (7+ years older?) had grown children of her own, but treated my 49 yr old BPDex like one of them.  Call her "K."   When my ex decided impulsively to abandon her house and take a job 700 miles away, her other family members were very concerned.  K said, "It'll be good for you to get out".

When I went to visit her sister and brother one weekend, my BPDx said I had brought brats to grill for everyone.  I said, she was mistaken (already a problem, right), I did not have brats for everyone.  I had texted her I had one for her before our 3 hour trip up north.  Later, when driving to get dinner she pulled over the car and said, "I'm fine with you correcting me (she wasn't), but K will not tolerate you disagreeing with me in front of others.  So don't do it."  She liked K obviously, and if she made plans with me, but K called afterwards, I was out.

BPDex Friends
She had two close friends and a group of teammates who played softball weekly in the summer.  She had known all them for the better part of 25 yrs.  One friend in particular covered for her constantly, we'll call her "B".  The first night I met B we were in a bar having cocktails and appetizers.  When we left, my BPDx forgot her wallet (a common occurrence that I already noticed).  It turns out B's live-in boyfriend also left the keys behind in the booth (he smoked a lot of marijuana--for pain you know).  As those two went back in to the bar I asked B. "Does [BPDx] forget her keys like this often?"  B answered, "No, it must be you. You're distracting her."  I knew the right answer, and that was not it.  I knew I wouldn't get an honest answer from B. about anything regarding my ex.  In fact, it would be clear B. would only be too eager to assess blame to me for any inappropriate actions my BPDx would take.

[SinisterComplex]

So AD...I just want to open this up a bit more. I like the direction of your thread, but instead of just singling out BPD how about there is a more overall focus on spotting the enablers of those who are disordered in general.

Honestly, I think we live in a world where people are too scared to speak up and say something because the majority of people are non-confrontational and will take the path of least resistance. Sadly, this is where there are typically more problems then should be.

I've dealt with plenty of disordered people in my lifetime, but I will not enable. Usually I have no problem playing the villain role and lighting someone up and the reason why...I wouldn't be where I am or who I am if I didn't have people along the way who put me in my place and taught me many valuable lessons.

My brother and I are a great example. I essentially had to skewer my brother and verbally eviscerate him to wake him up out of the haze he was in with his drinking issues. I am keeping it short, but the bottom line is after that confrontation my brother quit the drinking and actually for once found a decent woman who didn't enable his s*** behaviors to continue either.

Change can only happen through confrontation. Confrontation should be embraced not shied away from.

BTW...not trying to hijack or step on your toes...just wanted to open it up a little bit and broaden the scope a bit.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[grumpydonut]

Mother. Mother. Mother. Mother. Mother.

My ex cheats - ahh, that was a bad thing to do BUT

The mother's overall philosophy - she's a very very special girl, and she can do no wrong.

I've seen many threads highlighting that BPD is due to trauma, but it can also be due to helicopter parents who don't allow their children to individuate. That was the case with mine. Silver spoon. Treated like a child her entire life. Always spoiled. Therefore, no self identity, can't handle stress, doesn't know how to do things on her own.

[Ad Meliora]

Yeah Sinister.  I agree with you on much of what you said here.  I think the best thing (most caring long-term) was going no contact, establishing the boundary, and sticking with it.  I wasn't doing her any favors further enabling her excuses.

Change can only happen through confrontation. Confrontation should be embraced not shied away from.

This statement is especially true for the pwBPD.  It's only once they confront their problem that anything is going to change.  So what does that take?  Idk.  It may involve hitting "rock bottom" as you point out similar to alcoholism and have to have a rude wake up call.

I just think at some point a pwBPD has to "get real", that is, participate in objective reality like the rest of us.  If they want to have meaningful relationships with others, for sure, and not a lopsided controlling manipulative one.

I'm not sure how they can expect those around them to continually walk on eggshells.  I see the advanced communication techniques posted such as SET, GIVE, and DEARMAN.  It's hard for a regular Non to remember a 7 letter comm technique when a pwBPD is in your face, intense, demanding submission or withdrawing in tears.  I think if you're a therapist getting paid $300/hr to listen to someone's problems, that's a different story, or a parent trying to work with a child or trying to maintain a relationship for the sake of the children.

I was trained in non-violent communication techniques years ago for one of my jobs dealing with the public which is very much like SET.  It is very useful for diffusing the occasional issue with a partner, or general public with a PD, but as daily use, I just don't know.  I just see us so far away from this, and it is a much more indirect form of speaking to issues.  So much harder than "I like chocolate." "Oh, I like vanilla".  "Great, we'll each get our own cones."  Whereas if you have that same dialogue with someone with a PD it may look like:  

"I like chocolate."  
"Why do you hate me so much and have to put me down!  Is it because of what your friend said about me, my hair, he doesn't like my hair does he...!"  Etc...

The point being, why enable this behavior?  What will be the end goal for someone who is now 50 years old, let's say.

Sinister, I planted the seeds of self-awareness where I could in my BPDx, problem is the soil was fairly fallow.  I'm not sure if they'll ever take root, but staying in the r/s was only hurting me and I wasn't helping her either.

If you think it would be better to talk about PD's in general, have at it.

[Ad Meliora]

Hi GrumpyD.

I'm not sure what was the source of my ex's BPD.  It could be the doting father and excess attention she got as a youth, or it could be trauma.  She kept her cards  close to her chest on all that stuff.  I figured her spoiled-ness just contributed to her narcissism and temper tantrums.  Truth is, I don't know.

I don't think it's a deal breaker for a woman to be a "daddy's girl" per se.  Having a personality disorder and acting out = big problem.

[Sappho11]

Mother. Mother. Mother. Mother. Mother.

My ex cheats - ahh, that was a bad thing to do BUT

The mother's overall philosophy - she's a very very special girl, and she can do no wrong.

I've seen many threads highlighting that BPD is due to trauma, but it can also be due to helicopter parents who don't allow their children to individuate. That was the case with mine. Silver spoon. Treated like a child her entire life. Always spoiled. Therefore, no self identity, can't handle stress, doesn't know how to do things on her own.

I was going to type out an elaborate post, but grumpy, you might as well have been describing my ex.

Curiously enough, I think the mother truly meant well. She was the Caretaker in the family. My ex's father was having none of it, and their father-son relationship was fraught with difficulty. Possible that his dad matched the criteria for NPD (didn't know him well enough), but that's pure speculation.

The other enabler in my ex's life was the girlfriend he left for me. From what I gather, she was pretty much a slave to him – and this is no exaggeration, he'd controlled every aspect of her life, she was not allowed to have any friends or even interests of her own, and she did everything for him, including doing 100% of the household chores and running errands for him. It was almost impossible for him to let go of her, and when she finally broke away (the good woman eventually re-discovered her sense of self and self-worth) and moved out of their apartment a few months into his and my relationship, my ex completely fell apart.

Then and for months afterward, he'd keep lamenting how he couldn't deal with life because his "support system" had crumbled. I didn't understand: After all, he still had his friends, colleagues, doting mother and not least, me!, who patiently listened to all his problems (including him literally crying about missing his ex!) and cared for him. For the life of mine, I couldn't see what was so hard to him. Now it's clear: He was missing his most prominent enabler – her.

[grumpydonut]

Honestly, Sappho, having followed your posts for a while now, I'm shocked you put up with that. Doesn't seem like you'd ever let down your boundaries that far! And it definitely doesn't seem like you ever will again!

Crying about his ex while dating you. What a narcissistic thing to do. Imagine you did that to him. They know it's wrong, because they know how they'd react should you do it to them. Such pathetic behaviour.

[Sappho11]

Honestly, Sappho, having followed your posts for a while now, I'm shocked you put up with that. Doesn't seem like you'd ever let down your boundaries that far! And it definitely doesn't seem like you ever will again!

Crying about his ex while dating you. What a narcissistic thing to do. Imagine you did that to him. They know it's wrong, because they know how they'd react should you do it to them. Such pathetic behaviour.

You're absolutely right. I suppose I tolerated it because it happened in spurts. For instance, she was scheduled to move out of his flat at the beginning of the year, four months after he and I had got together. (She was financially dependent on him and he claimed to feel "too guilty" about asking her to move out.) I knew in advance he'd have a breakdown seeing the empty shelves and closets, and that's exactly what happened.

At that point I was in over my head with FOG myself, and my reasoning was: "At last, his ex is gone from his daily life and we can now start a real life together, just him and me; if only I console him through this final upheaval and show him that I love him just as unconditionally, all will be well."

LOL! We all know how that went.

And you're right – that's not going to happen again. "If someone doesn't date you properly, don't date them at all" is my motto now.

[Ad Meliora]

Yeah Sappho, my first reaction is to echo Grumpy's statement, but I think your posts here are a testament to how far you've come and how you learned to detach from that toxic relationship.  Also, I'm in no position to really judge, as I was there myself and ignored all kinds of  s.  I was on my way to becoming a doormat like your BPDex's ex was!

I think you provided a great example of what I was theorizing.  Our BPDex's cannot get by without their enablers or their lives fall apart.  They seek to put us into that category as quickly as possible in as few of moves as possible.  We don't even realize it's happening because we're in love (ok, addicted is more like it) and look past it at first.