Dealing with extinction bursts

[d0ul0s]

My confusion with this thread is that because my exBPD, without explanation, withdrew and gave me the silent treatment, it was I who actually did the extinction burst!

This makes me feel as though I was the one with the problem.

When they disappeared, I must confess to a fairly angry reaction... .which had no effect.

But on paper, reading about this extinction burst info, I feel like I was the one who did it and that they were the healthy one and did as the reading suggests, and did not respond.

Again - all of it adds to the confusion and self-blame. It all blurs the line between what I should own and what they should own.

We all bring stuff to the dance, but given I was never able to coldly walk away, was my stuff worse that theirs?

 ? ? ?

bb12

I had a very similar episode recently, when I was the one who sent the incessant text messages and phone calls when there was no answer. And during arguments I started to talk louder, and to talk over my exBPD - my way to mirror his behaviour to him (probably gave him an excuse to accuse me of being emotionally volatile), and I was sick of being interrupted while talking. In any case, I was starting to wonder if I was the BPD.

Maybe there is some level of projective identification when you're in a toxic relationship. When we are out of our wits, patience, and emotional stability, we resort to the only other approach we know, which is the BPD's.

[d0ul0s]

I believe this question needs to be addressed thoroughly as many members have this

problem in their relationships

Some advice from senior members will be appreciated

I am a newbie here. I feel like in a healthy, mature relationship, the 'silent treatment' would be called out as a problematic behaviour and for both parties to grow out of it. With my exBPD, I had been the one who stayed quiet for a couple of days purely because I have been so destabilised and starved of mind space to properly process the roller coaster rides that happened on a weekly/biweekly basis. And I got out while we were still in the lovebomb/devalue phase, I would not stick around to be discarded.

[ForeverDad]

People typically arrive here and ask, "Am I the disordered person?"  At first we can't really answer that since we don't have enough contact with a newbie until there is more posting history.  But as a general scenario, we can typically respond, "If you're seriously asking, then probably you're not."  A common trait we see with acting out person are that they have an intense Denial of accountability and beyond-normal Blame Shifting.  We all deny and try to avoid blame to some extent, that's the imperfect human condition, but when it is to an extreme, that's when a person enters into the PD zone.

When we see poor behaviors in ourselves, that's probably situational responses to the bad circumstances, not our core personalities.  With the tools and skills learned here we can improve ourselves and our responses.

[EZEarache]

My exwBPD started calling me psychotic recently. My therapist has had to reassure me several times that I am not the one with the personality disorder. I'm fortunate in that my therapist had the opportunity to interact with my Ex in some couples sessions. However, I think it is quite normal to fall victim to the BPD's projection. Remember, that the disordered person is trying to remove their own negative feelings by placing them onto you through projection and blame shifting.

Breath in, breath out, and work hard not to fall into their trap with your own negative reaction.

[formflier]

And to the question of the thread..."dealing with extinction bursts"...the big picture answer is to not cave in.

The extinction burst is some dysfunctional attempt to get the "non" back in line with what the pwBPD "wants". 

If you cave in and give them a result they desire..then it's more likely there will be multiple more extinction bursts...perhaps even worse ones.

If the outbursts don't get much of a reaction..eventually..they will try new "tools" (this can take a while)

Best,

FF

[jmbl]

I think I may be dealing with this exact this too. It is so confusing and can push you to your limit. I have reframed my speech to include words like choices, competent, capable and have laid a boundary of accepting blame. He has picked up on this and has made a comment of it "you're not the same as you used to be."

The questions for me are, how long will it last? How do you differ from an extinction burst and poor behaviour? Just because it may be an extinction burst, does that make it acceptable?

[Cat Familiar]

No, an extinction burst is not acceptable behavior, but if dealt with the way FF describes, may soon become an obsolete behavior. That said, it may be employed again and again in different contexts. The difficulty for the non is to, as FF said, “not cave in.”

How long will it last? That’s a difficult question to answer, but it will likely continue as long as it yields something the pwBPD wants. That may be attention, verbal engagement, emotional response; the outcome does not have to be what we’d consider a positive one.

How does it differ from poor behavior—usually the emotional intensity will be a sign.

[d0ul0s]

Thanks for all that perspectives. I had a chance to process the episodes with me yelling back with my my therapist (with whom I've been meeting for over a year), and we concluded that it was me trying to assert my boundary (which, is a challenge for me in general).

I realised that I empathised with my ex w/ BPD a lot, probably because we both had the same core wounds from childhood, but evolved different coping strategies. We had exactly the same MBTI profile (INFP), and many of his overly critical comments, sudden outbursts of rage -- I could recall having similar struggles in my adosdence and young adulthood. But I grew out of that phase and learned to process things differently. After our breakup, I have at times been triggered and found myself behaving like how he would in that situation. I was shocked, like as the angry words were flying out of my mouth, a mental awareness went off, and I immediately apologised.

So I can see that we are all on a spectrum of some sort, and at some point, faced the vulnerabilities of developing maladaptive behaviours in response to abandonment. Some outgrow those behaviours, while some go further towards the extreme and cross a pathological threshold.

[formflier]

As you realized..."hold boundaries"..or "enforcing" them is often not straightforward.

In general...it helps to apply the axiom that "it's less about what you say (or the volume) and more about what you DO..  (or don't do)."

If you could do it over again...what would be different?

Best,

FF