second hand stress

[Arbust91]

Any advise on managing second hand stress? I'm having surgery and will have to stay with my BPD mom and my dad who oscillates between ignoring her and angry outbursts. Just for fun I'm also in the middle of a divorce. I have to get through the surgery on my spouses health insurance.

[Notwendy]

I hope the surgery goes well.

One important thing is to consider if you are able to get enough rest. One issue with my  BPD mother is that she  expects people to meet her needs, but post surgery, you are not in a position to meet anyone's needs while you need to recover.

One suggestion is to consider this as a place to stay but that you are on your own for things like meals, and laundry. I know my mother would not help with these things. I don't know when the surgery is, but consider preparing meals ahead of time and freezing them- enough for your parents to eat as well- so larger family size meals. Look for grocery delivery services, laundry services, anything that can help you take care of yourself. Even purchase extra comfortable clothing like a couple pair of leggings, t shirts, to reduce laundry chores.

A white noise machine so you can get enough sleep. Your parents might keep the TV on or other noise like arguing. Establish rest time for you, and lock the door. Bring a book to read, your computer and stay in your room a lot.

Do not expect attention. The dynamics between your parents are that BPD mom is the victim and everyone needs to be focused on her needs. In a strange way, your situation may be perceived by her as "competition for attention". She may then become even more angry. Just let her be the Queen. You stay in your "servant quarters" as much as possible to maintain your own peace. The dynamics have been between your parents for a long time. Best to not get into them.

Do you have friends/family nearby who can help you or even take you out for a bit? Yes, you are recuperating but once you are up to it, even having a friend take you for coffee or a drive in the car, or to let you nap at their place would be a way to get some space from the dynamics.

Hope all goes well. Remember, your parents have been together a long time and the dynamics between them are a long term pattern. Try to stay out of their drama as much as possible. Don't take their behavior personally. Hope you feel better soon!

[Arbust91]

I will need help bathing, using the bathroom, I will not be able to cook ahead as my parents are a 7 hour drive away, I will not be able to care for myself at all which is why I need to stay with them.  I will not be able to carry something from the microwave to a table. I will not be able to carry stuff from the refrigerator to the microwave. My BPD mom always cooks .If I didn't need this much care I would not be willing to stay with them. I'm in the middle of a divorce, my kid is a senior in college so he is picking me up and bringing me home the 1 st day of his winter break and will help me for the next 4 weeks. My friends where I live will bring meals for my son to microwave and he is a decent cook as well.  My issue is getting enough sleep, having her make endless nasty remarks, and unless my Dad is in the same room 95% of what she says is complaining about my dad. It's really the endless complaining that feels like torture. She can go on for all day and even gets upset if I'm in the bathroom too long. Of coarse normal I leave for several hours a day when I'm visiting even though she complains about that. My friends usually won't go in my parents house even but have promised to suck it up and visit. I live in a rural area and con not get the surgery near me. My insurance won't pay for me to stay in a post op rehab , it's $32,000 which I don't have .

[Methuen]

Are you comfortable with having your mother bathe you?  If not, can you pay for an hour or two of  home care for a couple of days a week? This could take the pressure off both you and your mom, and also a trained person would be seeing you post-op to check on your recovery. They can also helps with meals or anything you can’t do because of the surgery.  Will your mom have to clean or care for any surgical wounds? Is she capable of that?

I would consider borrowing or purchasing noise cancelling earphones to wear in your bedroom so you can listen to music and relax.  Maintaining your mental health will help your recovery porogress.

Also, definitely bring earplugs to cancel the noise so you can get rest and sleep.

Is your mom capable of caring for you in the ways  you will need?  Im hoping that when it comes to carrying stuff from the microwave to the fridge, she won’t tell you to do it yourself.

Will you be discharged from hospital several days after surgery or the same day?  Will you have a follow up appointment with the surgeon while you are still at your moms?

[missing NC]

Notwendy and Methuen share some incredibly important points and suggestions.  On the subject of earplugs for sleep, I have found the silicone ones that go OVER (not in) the ear canal an absolute game changer.  I use Macks Pillow Soft Silicone Earplugs from Amazon whenever I am traveling, camping or otherwise in a place where I cannot control external noise. 

I wonder if part of your mom's broken record of complaining to you about your dad is that (in addition to her personality and annoyance with him) she simply does not have much else to talk about and/or lacks other social and conversational outlets.  These may or may not help, but cards games, movies she likes and/or looking at photo albums might provide a temporary distraction for her while (hopefully) not being too taxing for you.  It sounds like your parents being in a rural area makes face to face socialization difficult, but I wonder if you could recruit other relatives to call her or zoom with her (if she is comfortable doing so) during your time with your parents to take some of the pressure off you. 

Between the surgery, the divorce and the convalescence with your parents, you have quite a convergence of awful.  The slight silver lining is that analgesics (even Tylenol) also blunt emotional pain. So hopefully the time with your mom and dad will be tolerable. 

[Notwendy]

I wonder if you can get some sort of home health care to help you with bathing and dressing. When my father had surgery, I spoke to the social worker at the hospital to express my concern that BPD mom would not be able to do home care. They did send a home nurse to check on him but I think my parents paid for some assistance at home. It doesn't hurt to ask to speak to a social worker at the hospital to see what options you may have.

For personal care- websites such as care.com show what caregivers are available in the area. Also if there are colleges with nursing schools, paying a nursing student to help you might be an option.

 I think the earphone idea is great. But also the boundary of sleeping. You will need to sleep a lot. A "do not disturb- I am sleeping" sign on the door might help. Even if you aren't sleeping but wish to stay inside and read or listen to music with headphones- they don't need to know if you are actually asleep or not.