I'm plain heartbroken and confused

[lichtermeer]

Hello BPD-Family community,

I think I just need some space to write about my past year, that's truly been a rollercoaster of a ride.

How it began:

Last year this time I got together with my first girlfriend and it was the most intense connection with a human being, that I felt in my whole life.
I'm a woman and she is too. I've never been with a woman before her (but I knew I had my tendencies), anyways everything felt so right with her I doubted my attraction to all the people I had before, my whole life, because I thought that's it. That's what it's suppose to feel like.
For the first time in my life I was proud to hold a hand, I was so in love with her personality, and her caring and funny character. I was so incredibly attracted to her and all I could think of was to stay with her.
I usually don't move fast, but I really wanted everything with her. In this time, although we were in the honeymoon phase, I noticed some weird things.
First of all: I feel guilty for moving so fast, because I know, it puts a lot of pressure on the person and I think I'm definitely in the wrong for that one. Although she wanted to be so close to me she told me back then to slow down (which is actually untypical for a bpd, so I feel guilty for that one a lot).
She was very jealous and told me, that she wants to be with me,  but then again said she can't even imagine being in a relationship after all.
On one hand she wanted to stay on the phone with me all day, on the other hand she lied about having a foursome just to test me.
I was so confused and even began to make her jealous (e.g. meeting up with guy friends she didn't like, but never cheated or anything), because that's when she showed her feelings to me. I think I had a lot of toxic traits, too, during that time and I feel very bad for that.
After we spoke about that and I began to have more insight in how bad her jealousy is hurting her, of course I stopped and wanted to introduce her to my friends, but she didn't want to.
So I gave her the time, and said as long as she can imagine a future with me and this isn't just an affair for her, I'd give her the time to decide and get to know me better without anybody being involved and any pressure.
I thought everything was going so well after this talk.
We grew closer and I fell in love with her more everyday.
I noticed that she sometimes still had a push-pull pattern, but I was calm and there for her when she needed me.

How everything broke down:
Then something really bad happened. I till this day don't know what she was thinking back then, but she stole my ID to rent a car and got into an accident. She said it was because she wanted to have fun, but the law said that I was the owner at this moment of the car, so I had to pay for it.
So I lent a lot of money (we're talking about thousands of euros here) from my parents to pay it off, but of course got a lawyer to get the money back from her. (I'm still a student at university and my parents aren't that wealthy either, it was a lot of money for us too, my mom cried a lot) That whole time was a mess.
I had to come out to my conservative parents through that accident and my moms trust to me was broken. She forbid me contact to her and I tried so hard but something was a stronger force than my will to be a good daughter again.

The time after the accident:
We stayed together at first, broke up, got together again.. usually I was the force that wanted to break up, because I felt like my heart was on the floor, I was scared of her and I couldn't take her raging and anger at me. In that time I of course didn't tell my parents about our on-off again relationship.  Deep down I of course knew, we couldn't have a future anymore, not only after a trustbreak like this, but also, because her raging at me got worse.
This made me more distant and resulted in her raging even more.

It became very depressed, couldn't eat and sleep anymore, failed my classes and stuff. I had episodes where I had feelings of depersonalization and anxiety attacks.
In my anxiety I kept the contact to her a secret to most of my friends and family and she knew about that.
Still it must have felt humiliating to her and I truly wanted to let go but I couldn't back then. I feel quite egocentric for that and very guilty. I know she was suffering and that me not being fully committed triggered her raging and abandonment issues a lot. I'm truly sorry and apologized for that behavior already but of course what is done is done.

How I got out:
I was sitting in a bar one night with a friend. She told me: „If you truly love her, you gotta let her go- otherwise you'll suffer forever and she will too." And it shattered me. Because I have true love for her, but my act of staying in this relationship was just my co-dependency at the end.
I thought she couldn't take care of herself and in addition to that, I thought I will never meet a persona (if you leave the raging aside), like that again.
We truly had the same humor and goals and I just really loved being around her. I felt at home in her arms. When she was calm, everything was easy.
But just me liking being around her is also an egocentric way of thinking towards my future and towards hers, if the circumstances are like that. Plus my anxiety attacks where so overwhelming at this point, that I had a hard time getting out of bed or even talking to other people.
So I managed to leave for good over the phone.
She didn't take it very well. She said, she will tell my parents about this secret relationship and that I'll be dead to her and I'm the devil.. stuff like that.
I got weak and stayed for one more day.
We talked that evening on the phone again.She told me a secret nobody knows about her and I took it by chance. First of all I would never ever tell anyone what she told me, even if she got revenge on me. But I was so desperate back then, that I said if she wants to ruin my life, I'll ruin hers.
My parents would have likely quit talking to me, if I broke their trust like this again and I am very scared for the sake of the relationship with them at this point.
I know it was a horrible thing to say to her, but I didn't find another way.
I couldn't deal with the guilt towards her, so I made an instagram post on a private account which only she could see, apologizing to her and telling her that she'll be okay but I will never come back and wished her a good life.

How life is now:
She is blocked everywhere now. But still keeps contacting me and wrote me a letter. A couple of days ago she wrote me an e-mail, saying that she it's unfair for me to just go like that and we need to talk.
It's very complicated for me. I miss her like hell, but I don't want to break the no contact rule. I don't know if I should make it clear via e-mail, that she mustn't contact me ever again
or if I should just leave it like that.
I'm very heartbroken and my head keeps circling around every interaction that we had. It's so freaking hard to just let the past be in the past, plus I'm feeling really guilty in addition too, for triggering her in the way, that I did.
I could've behaved differently and I sometimes even am scared about being a covert narcissist at this point, after the relationship. I don't know why, my anxiety is just so high after everything. But also I'm just confused and scared of her, ruining my life completely.
I'm never really relaxed, always watching my surroundings and looking out for anything happening.
I'm still crying multiple times a day and am very careful how to talk to people, because I'm scared of them raging at me.
I know she has this condition and she's more than this condition. I know she has a good heart and just want to love and be loved and I'm so sorry that I couldn't give that to her. I still truly wish her the best and I'm praying in silence that she'll find her healing and way to a life in peace and self love. And I hope that one day, I will find my way back to self love and peace within myself too.

Still I don't know what to do or where to go, at this point, but writing it down helped a lot. Thank you, for taking my package and your time, this was a little blessing today. I wish you all the best as well.

[Dad50]

"But also I'm just confused and scared of her, ruining my life completely."


To me, this is why this disease is so mind boggling for both them and us.  If a friend said, "I am terrified of so and so ruining my life completely,"   It would seem like a no brainer to tell that friend to distance their self from that person.

Heck, if we told our younger selves that there is this certain person that I am afraid will ruin my life, our younger self would even question us.

This is how strong, and I think typical the trauma bond is.  To anyone on the outside it seems utterly incomprehensible to say, "I think this person might totally and utterly destroy me, should I contact them or reach out to them. "

That is why this group is here. They all told me, what you are thinking is what we all thought. It is totally predictable and explainable to the people who have been through it. It is totally predictable that they have you thinking you are the narcissist. No contact really is the only way.  that was the advice given to me and it is getting better.

One tip that I got from this board and coincidently my therapist at the same time seemed to really help. I was ruminating like crazy. In fact could not stop thinking of she who would have destroyed me. On this board someone recommended that, when my thoughts start going 100 miles per hour (kilometers for you folks from the rest of the world), the suggestion was to say a little prayer or a mantra, depending on your belief system, in order to interrupt the thoughts.

The next day my therapists suggestion was that I actually make an appointment for my brain to obsess about her. Like, Monday at noon I will give to my thoughts to her for one hour. Otherwise I wasn't allowed to think of her.

So I combined the two ideas. Whenever those thoughts started intruding, I would repeat my mantra "Not your turn. Not your turn. Your appointment is Monday"

You can trust me the first several days I had to use this mantra hundreds of times. "Not your turn". Honestly, it got easier and easier and less and less frequent because I did not indulge the ruminations. By Monday I didn't even need to complete her appointment. Now I just say, "Not your turn"

Kind of simplistic, but I know how insidious and addictive those ruminations can be. You're doing okay. You are going to be okay.

[Newdawnnewday]

Hey Lichtermeer ! Welcome !

You did the right thing coming here, and I must say that in spite of your confusion, your post is extremely clear, and, contrary to what you think, you didn't behave badly... you were "only human" in this relationship - but these kinds of relationships are extremely hard to navigate !

So cut yourself A LOT OF SLACK and be proud of yourself for making the right choices ! You've already made significant choices that are bringing you closer and closer to a more peaceful self. You should be proud.

You have yet to see the results of your choices, but that's because you've only just gotten out, and you're still extremely shaken by what just happened. Being with a person w/BPD is highly traumatic, you may also suffer from "vicarious trauma" (not just the trauma she inflicted on you because of her behaviour, but, her accumulated trauma that she projected onto you).

As to "your role" in triggering her... however tempting it may be now to feel guilty, this may also be a by-product of the trauma bond...

Further down the line, you may decide to examine your behaviours, but there's truly nothing to feel guilty about, especially at such a young age. We all make mistakes, we're human !

Yet, when in a relationship with a pWBPD, we lose the right to be human... There's truly a double standard there, they are allowed to do the craziest things to us (such as what your ex did to you), while we are made to feel horrible for the tiniest mistakes.

So, yes, you'll learn from your mistakes. But rest assured that nothing you would have done differently would have impacted the relationship.

It was doomed from the beginning.

The only person you could save was yourself, and you did a good job of doing just that !

We're not used to putting our needs ahead of another's. Hopefully, this extremely intense, shocking, painful experience will be a wake-up call for you to learn that.

It is NOT SELFISH to protect yourself.
It is A GOOD THING.

You did right by you, there was nothing else you could do.

There's a French saying that speaks to your situation, "A l'impossible nul n'est tenu".

No one can be expected to achieve the impossible.

Realizing something is IMPOSSIBLE is a wise thing to do, and acting on that realization is very courageous !

Well done ! And take care of yourself in the best possible way now !

[Ad Meliora]

Welcome SeaofLight.  Sorry to hear of your troubles but like others have said it seems like you came to the right place, here, at the right time.

it was the most intense connection with a human being, that I felt in my whole life.--Lichtermeer

Yes.  Been there.  I think most of us have.  There was a moment where I was in a casino motel pool along the Colorado River, temperature was 105 degrees and 80's rock music was blaring out of the speakers nearby, but I didn't care. As the sun was setting I was holding my BPDex in my arms, floating, and gently circling. I never felt as close to anybody in my entire life as I had felt to her at that moment.

It was an illusion, of course.  A projection of a reality I wanted to be true.  The feelings for me were real, the situation only a distant dream in her mind.

I felt at home in her arms. When she was calm, everything was easy.
But just me liking being around her is also an egocentric way of thinking towards my future and towards hers, if the circumstances are like that. --Lichtermeer

Clearly, I know this feeling as well.  It was that magnetic attraction to her and a calming presence of feeling like being "home" that kept me in too.  I think your second sentence is a really good insight into your relationship.  I think that was part of my problem as well.  The entire year I stayed in was really just because "I liked being around her".  There was no real substance there, or future, it's a short term good feeling, a high, and while it makes you feel good for a time, in the long run it can only cause more problems and future regret.

I'm very heartbroken and my head keeps circling around every interaction that we had. It's so freaking hard to just let the past be in the past, plus I'm feeling really guilty in addition too,...--Lichtermeer

This is normal.  I spent a year in that place before I found this forum.  Foot on the gas, transmission in neutral.  Have you looked up "Trauma Bonding" on this site?  That may be helpful at some point and see if you see things there you can relate to.

You provided a good picture and account of your experience, thank you for that.  Hopefully, you'll find some good resources and support here to help you on your journey Sea of Light.