I gave in

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I gave in and have been talking with my ex for the past week since he texted me. Not talking romantically or about getting back together, but just texting. There have been quite a few times where I won't respond and he will text me again. He's in New York and I'm in Texas, so that makes it easier not to fall back into it. However, I just have a gut feeling he is seeing someone up there too, and while he doesn't owe me anything and can see whoever he wants, I just get disgusted at the thought and don't want to speak to him at all. Because I'm sure when he goes MIA for hours it's because he's with someone else, but then can come back to me calling me pet names (that's a boundary I personally haven't crossed, no pet names, no "relationship talk" on my end). So I never responded to his text yesterday and we haven't talked since.

[marv1995]

I gave in and have been talking with my ex for the past week since he texted me. Not talking romantically or about getting back together, but just texting. There have been quite a few times where I won't respond and he will text me again. He's in New York and I'm in Texas, so that makes it easier not to fall back into it. However, I just have a gut feeling he is seeing someone up there too, and while he doesn't owe me anything and can see whoever he wants, I just get disgusted at the thought and don't want to speak to him at all. Because I'm sure when he goes MIA for hours it's because he's with someone else, but then can come back to me calling me pet names (that's a boundary I personally haven't crossed, no pet names, no "relationship talk" on my end). So I never responded to his text yesterday and we haven't talked since.

[ILMBPDC]

Just curious what you are hoping to get out of this?  Friendship?  You say you are disgusted by the thought of him seeing someone in NY which says to me that there are still residual feelings.  It seems like a slippery slope but on the other hand you seem pretty self aware.

I am very curious in part because my ex contacted me on Saturday and I haven't responded but a part of me wants to be friends even though that didn't work before...

[marv1995]

I'm honestly not sure what I'm wanting out of it. There are still feelings for sure, I still love him as we've only been split up for three months. I think part of me is still holding onto that hope that he will get help and we can have a healthy relationship, although rationally I know that will probably never happen. I don't think him and I will ever be able to be strictly friends, mostly because one of us will always push for more eventually. He knew how to rope me in though by telling me he will be moving to the place I'm moving to in a few months after culinary school.

[Newdawnnewday]

Hey,

To me, feeling disgusted means something else together. It could mean, one of our boundaries has been or is being violated (in this case, the fact that he is trying to make a move on you while, as your intution is telling you, entertaining another relationship with someone else).

To people with integrity, it would feel quite disgusting, a disgusting behaviour.

Sometimes, alas, we are still attracted to people who have disgusted us (the trauma bond).

This is true especially if we've been conditioned (for instance by sexual abuse, which sets us up for sexual betrayal later in life) to NOT react to DISGUSTING acts of betrayal.

So, I would pay very close attention to this feeling of "disgust" and heed it.

Disgust is (in my opinion and my experience) a very close friend to righteous anger and could help us PUSH AWAY an abuser.

In that case, while what he is doing may not be technically betrayal, since, as you say, "he doesn't owe you anything", it still sparks something and awakens something in your visceral experience ; it's absolutely ok to listen to that, it could convey a very important message. For instance, it could mean that his standards and yours don't match, because you find his behaviour disgusting.

If at all possible, use that energy residing underneath the feeling of disgust and push him away. It's ok to step off the roller-coaster, each and everytime.

We fall off the wagon and step back on, we've just learnt something new each and everytime we "gave in" : learning something new about them, or about ourselves, or about the relationship and where it's headed.

Take care and listen to your gut ! It is rarely wrong.

[ILMBPDC]

I'm honestly not sure what I'm wanting out of it. There are still feelings for sure, I still love him as we've only been split up for three months. I think part of me is still holding onto that hope that he will get help and we can have a healthy relationship, although rationally I know that will probably never happen. I don't think him and I will ever be able to be strictly friends, mostly because one of us will always push for more eventually. He knew how to rope me in though by telling me he will be moving to the place I'm moving to in a few months after culinary school.

I completely understand this.
My first discard was in early February - he met someone else and abruptly ended things with me with no warning. I thought I was OK and understood (I rationalized that it was because he wanted more kids, I'm nearly 47 and that was unlikely to happen) and we tried to remain friends.  It didn't work. He dated the other woman for 4 months before discarding her and I ended up becoming basically his therapist, fulfilling his emotional needs (and eventually physical needs once again) while getting nothing in return. He was subtly love bombing me again - making remarks that pulled me in and gave me hope.  I felt like we were bonding - he was telling me deep, dark emotional things and fears and I felt like we were so connected...and the fact that I never got over him...it was a recipe for trouble (for me). Even before we ended up in bed again, I was already deeply attached to him. But...he just wanted to be friends (though I don't think he knows the line between friends and something more tbh). So when I told him that I felt like I was being used in July, he told me "I never wanted more" (BS- he was talking kids and future with me before the discard) and abruptly cut me off. Completely. Stopped responding and literally radio silence (until this past weekend - to which I have still not responded). He couldn't handle the criticism and having those hard conversations and decided to end our "friendship". I think we could have been good friends if we would have never acted on our attraction but since it happened I cannot go back. I actually regret getting involved with him because I think at a higher level he is a good guy, smart, witty and fun to hang out with, but once you get to the deeper parts and get pulled in, its over.

So, I am of the opinion that we cannot sustain a real friendship with someone with BPD. As much as I want to go back to being his friend, as much as I miss that aspect of our relationship, I think that its not going to happen and to keep myself from possibly being sucked in again I have to remain detached completely.

I don't know if its the same for others or not, which is why I am very interested in your experience.  Newdawnnewday has some very good points as well, your visceral reaction is something to pay attention to.

[marv1995]

I feel the exact same way about the friends thing. My ex and I were so good as friends and we had a lot of fun together. Even when we were romantically involved and things were good, we had so much fun together. I wanted to remain friends when we first started hanging out but he kept pushing for more and the love bombing was so strong that I gave in. He had just ended things with his ex like a week prior to starting to get involved with me so I should have known, but of course he made her out to be the bad person.

[ILMBPDC]

I feel the exact same way about the friends thing. My ex and I were so good as friends and we had a lot of fun together. Even when we were romantically involved and things were good, we had so much fun together.

It makes the breakup/no contact so hard. I've had anxiety all day over not responding to mine. I know he's not a terrible person, he absolutely has his issues but he's not a demon and I hate being like this. I just have to keep reminding myself that I cannot deal with the BPD, I cannot deal with another discard. I am better off without him, no matter how much it hurts.

If you choose to keep talking to your ex that is obviously your choice but I do want you to pay attention to your gut and your emotions - they are telling you something. Maybe you will prove me wrong and actually be able to maintain a friendship with him. I'm not as optimistic about mine - he is out living his life and I am sitting here agonizing over a  message is about right - its just more proof I cannot do it again.

[marv1995]

That's what I am telling myself. I cannot go through another discard again. I am finally healing from the last one in July and I don't want that cycle to start all over again. I have a lot going for me right now...things I wouldn't have going for me if I had stayed with him. I'm trying so hard to focus on me and my future but it's so hard to do that when he keeps subtly inserting himself into my future plans.

[Dmacs134]

All of this! Thank you all as I am going through the same thing. My ex and I ended in March, he started dating new gf the next day. He and I stayed in touch starting in April trying to rebuild the friendship but getting intimate in June and July. In August he wanted me to be more like a gf but he wouldn't dump the girl he left me for in March. I put my foot down (put up a boundary). We didn't talk for a month and he showed up in Sept (we're states away too) to tell me he's done with me for good. He proceeds to stay 4 days, us talking and being intimate. He tells me he's going back home to break up with new gf. The next day he calls and says he's choosing her. This was 6 weeks ago and it still hurts like hell. We've been NC since that phone call. Allegedly him and new gf are so in love now that I'm out of the picture.

marv1995- how long were you NC before he reached out again?

My head and heart are in conflict. My heart misses him terribly, but my head knows he's no good for me.

[marv1995]

Hey Dmacs! So sorry to hear that. Initially we were no contact for about a month, July to August. He reached out to me at the end of August to apologize, we exchanged a few messages, and then were no contact until he texted me last Sunday, so that was about two months. I've started to heal a lot and have a lot going for myself, and while our conversation over the past week hasn't set me back to where I was initially, it has set me back some so I'm a little disappointed in myself. Yet, I still find myself wanting him to text me today and waiting on his text? Ugh, these trauma bonds are no joke.

[ILMBPDC]

Yet, I still find myself wanting him to text me today and waiting on his text? Ugh, these trauma bonds are no joke.

Yes! This is my fear exactly - I would literally drop everything for him and I fear if I respond that I will be right back there. And I don't want to be back there, I don't even like myself when I am like that, its like I can see myself from the outside watching this strong, smart woman be a fool for a d@mn man and I'm incredulous. Nope, I can't let myself cross that line. I feel stronger tonight so thank you for this thread!

[once removed]

i dont think theres really anything wrong with being in contact with an ex.

i have a friendship with an ex with bpd traits that hurt me really badly. it took years, but eventually, we became pretty good friends, we chat every few months on facebook, and i see her once a year at her halloween party.

what isnt clear to me is the parameters of your relationship. he calls you pet names, you want to speak, you dont want to speak, youre not sure if you do want to be friends, dont want to be friends. there are a lot of residual feelings.

to some extent, relationships, and friendships are what we make of them. what do you want to see happen here?

[marv1995]

Hey onceremoved, I tried to answer this question above. I can easily tell you what I WANT to happen. I want him to get the helps he needs so we can try to have a good relationship. But what will actually happen? He won't get help and the same love-bombing/devalue/recycle phase will continue. I'm certain the trauma bond is the only reason I even respond at this point because rationally I know it will never work, but it feels so good to hear from him and have him telling me nice things, even though I know it's love-bombing. My emotional and logical side are definitely at war, but I think it helps that I'm aware of what's happening. I just have to be strong enough to resist the feeling of that serotonin and dopamine when I hear from him. Feels stupid to say but I purposely left only one form of communication open just in case he wanted to reach out one day. Mistake on my part, but I just cannot bring myself to block his number.