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VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?" Parental alienation is when a parent allows a child to participate or hear them degrade the other parent. This is not uncommon in divorces and the children often adjust. In severe cases, however, it can be devastating to the child. This video provides a helpful overview.
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Author Topic: >Scared and triggered and I guess its time to go  (Read 232 times)
Firsttimefather

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« on: November 25, 2021, 09:15:00 AM »

It’s been awhile since I posted anything as things seemingly improved since last major episode back in July. However things started again. My partner with bpd rifled through my phone and found charges via PayPal: these were fraudulent charges and were reversed, her interpretation of these charges is I solicited prostitution with an underage person. None of this happened however it is the narrative she decided it implies. When trying to discuss with her that this isn’t the case she called 911 and said I was being violent with her. The police arrived as I was walking away from the situation. They saw that there was no actual disturbance but suggested for me to maybe leave for now and I agreed and did. I am staying with a friend and this morning I was woken up by text messages accusing me of fraudulently using her credit card back in July, which also didn’t happen and then said she feels obligated to call the police and report me for paying for sex with an underage person! I responded with ‘please cease and desist this harassment’ to which she replied ‘I will never desist, your best shot is move your PLEASE READ out and stop teaching music to children as they aren’t safe around you.’ I again replied ‘please stop this harassment’ she responded ‘tell it to the police’. Now I will mention that she put in her notice with the landlord stating she is leaving in a month and I will be taking over lease responsibility. But now is seems she is trying to blackmail me to move. Now I know that her allegations are not true but I differ from PTSD and this really triggered me (of course) I will not respond or engage beyond asking her to stop harassing me. Although I had hopes we would continue our relationship months ago, now it to me seems way to unsafe and he actions to me feel and seem abusive. She recently has been undergoing med changes so I’m sure that plays a role but this is very scary and I years ago was involved in legal troubles where I was viciously assaulted but the whole thing was turned around and was wrongfully accused and convicted. So naturally this is a trigger. I know the best I can do is take care of myself but I feel so alone and need to talk about this with someone and this place is always helpful. Thank you for listening.
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Cat Familiar
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« Reply #1 on: November 25, 2021, 11:49:24 AM »

This is indeed very scary and abusive to be threatened with false charges. You posted this on the Bettering Board, so I’m wondering if you still have hopes to repair the relationship?
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“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
Firsttimefather

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« Reply #2 on: November 25, 2021, 01:21:14 PM »

Hello and thanks for responding. Everything just happened and it’s been a whirlwind. The accusations are horrible. The police dynamic is definitely a game changer but honestly my answer is I don’t know, if at least a start in a place where a good conversation could occur just to get it calmed down. See it’s very hard to not be scared as very easily the justice system can really be messy when it comes to these scenarios. You can be completely innocent but still go through it. I’m so triggered right now, anxiety.if there is a more fitting place to post this please let me know or if you can post it there that would be great as well. Maybe somewhere with experiences where ‘the police show up’? I don’t know.Thank you so much
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Cat Familiar
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« Reply #3 on: November 25, 2021, 02:33:07 PM »

Yes, many members here have been falsely accused and that led to unfortunate consequences.

I didn’t want to move you to the Conflicted Board without asking about your future plans, but that is the place where many have had similar experiences.

How about I move you there for now and you can return to Bettering if you prefer it later?
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“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
Firsttimefather

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« Reply #4 on: November 25, 2021, 05:10:41 PM »

That would be great, thank you very much. I’m very stressed and triggered (I have ptsd) so therefore very high anxiety, fear and worry. This is a big help
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ForeverDad
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You can't reason with the Voice of Unreason...


« Reply #5 on: November 25, 2021, 06:21:41 PM »

First, you really are in danger from a person who can turn on you and ruin your life.  She's already been threatening it.  There's a saying I learned here and which I repeat:

Excerpt
If it's been threatened or even just contemplated, then it will happen, given enough time.  The course of wisdom is to not hang around long enough for it happen to you.

Second, the fact is that you're not a father, she aborted the baby.  Sure, that no doubt had an emotional impact on her but the reality is that she was already a very troubled person.

Many, if not most here, had to End our relationships with the acting-out disordered people in our lives.  Not that we wanted to... but because we had to.  There is just too much risk by continuing to have contact.  Those of us here with children thereafter reduced contact to only sharing required parenting information.  Anything more was just too risky.

For example, I had to end my marriage because I too was threatened with false allegations.  I stayed until there was no other choice if I was to protect myself.  I almost stayed too long.  We shared a child so I was not able to cut all contact, my exposure was limited to sharing parenting information.  Fortunately, time has passed, my son has become an adult and has aged out of the family court system.

As distressing as it is about what has happened in recent months you have an opportunity to End the contact and move on with your life.  By now you've had to realize you can't fix her.  Actually, if you continue in a relationship with her (or even limited contact) she will break you, whether it is emotionally or legally or both, do you want to find out?

Perhaps I was a bit too blunt above but I am worried you will hang around trying to fix things and give her time to sabotage your life by acting on her threats.
« Last Edit: November 25, 2021, 06:27:12 PM by ForeverDad » Logged

Firsttimefather

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« Reply #6 on: November 25, 2021, 07:39:39 PM »

No too blunt at all! I completely agree and a lot of what you said resounds with me. I don’t think I can try to fix it. It is too risky and it is good to get this feedback to support that option as I work through the mental untangling. We don’t have children and are not married so I feel yes, it’s probably best to move on. The text message threats though really stir up the brain and just feels horrible to be accused by someone I thought really cared about me. I am going to continue to reread your reply when it is overwhelming me thinking about it all. Thanks so much
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NotAHero
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« Reply #7 on: November 25, 2021, 09:54:21 PM »

 I’m sorry you are going through this. Stay strong and see through ending the relationship regardless of the lease consequences. This situation is very dangerous and you could lose a lot more in the long run. I strongly recommend you strengthen your resolve and end the relationship while minimizing losses as much as possible.
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kells76
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« Reply #8 on: November 25, 2021, 10:44:01 PM »

Ftf, glad you came back and reached out.

Are you still staying with your friend?

Think about getting a consultation with a lawyer or two about her texts. She's making some pretty serious insinuations about you, and being proactive -- or at least getting an idea of how, or even if, to respond -- could give you protection. Consultations are often free or not that expensive, and even 30 minutes of undivided attention from a lawyer about your specific situation could help you decide how to protect yourself.

Consider also seeing if you can proactively report the false accusations to the police -- let them know something like "we're going through a bad breakup and she has said and done X, Y, & Z in the past, so if you get a call to this address, that's the context".

Also think about having either the police or a neutral third party there for whoever moves their stuff out of the house. If it's her moving out, change the locks ASAP. If it's you moving out, make sure you have witnesses there, and try to make it one trip only.

pwBPD are immensely emotionally convincing. Consider not being alone with her again. Sadly, if she decides to take out her inner feelings on you again, she may accuse you of doing something to her that you can't disprove.

Sorry this is all going down around the holidays. I hope you have some family and friend support and understanding. These are absolutely the hardest relationships, and you've been through so much.

Can you find a few moments tonight or tomorrow to do something kind for yourself? Watch a funny video, drink a good beer, sit on the porch and watch the sky?

Hang in there;

kells76
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Firsttimefather

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« Reply #9 on: November 26, 2021, 09:22:25 AM »

Thank you for your wisdom and advice. I did leave a message with an attorney though it was the holiday so hopefully I hear from him today. The whole mess has me do ‘pts’d’ out. Paranoid , even though I know the allegations are false, if she were to file them it still would be so much to go through and deal with. I definitely don’t see nor want to try and fix it. I just want to feel safe again but it will probably take a bit. I am still staying with the friend. I don’t think my home is a good choice of place to be for me right now if ever. Hopefully she calms and moves out as she said though she bounces back and forth hence the attempts at blackmailing me with phony allegations.
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GaGrl
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« Reply #10 on: November 26, 2021, 10:48:32 AM »

You may need a lawyer to mediate the house occupancy and lease termination. The fairly low cost will be worth it. Getting a letter or phone call from a lawyer will bear more weight (of seriousness and intent) with her than your attempting to communicate with her by phone or email.

Make your mantra " Protect Myself" until you are safely out of her orbit.
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"...what's past is prologue; what to come,
In yours and my discharge."
Firsttimefather

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« Reply #11 on: November 26, 2021, 11:59:01 AM »

Will discuss it today should I hear from the attorney. Thank you much.
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kells76
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« Reply #12 on: November 26, 2021, 02:40:47 PM »

You're doing great getting professionals involved and keeping yourself in a safe place. Let your nervous system get some relaxed moments to reset this weekend. Gagrl has good input about having a L deal with the moving situation, too.

One step at a time...
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ForeverDad
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You can't reason with the Voice of Unreason...


« Reply #13 on: November 26, 2021, 03:03:04 PM »

It is a dysfunctional dance... you step forward and the other shrinks back... or you pull back and the other tries to draw you in.  Lots of human behavior is like that, but not to such an unhealthy and dangerous extreme.  Personality disorders are just that... human traits that have gone to negative extremes.

You, as the person closest to her emotionally and physically, cannot fix her.  Her moments of reasonableness are becoming more rare with you.

One final thought... ponder her method of striking out at you.  Probably something like "If you don't do as I say (or come back, etc) then I'll report you and make you pay for me feeling the way I do."  Ponder that.  She wants the unhealthy interaction yet is threatening you.

When I was in court years ago and my then-spouse's lawyer was trying to make me look bad and controlling to support her allegations, he asked, "Do you want her back?"  If I would have said yes then he would have turned to the judge and said, "See?  He wants to control and abuse her."  Instead I said, "No, not the way she is."

As a man you have to be careful not to inadvertently slip into a "man=abuser, woman=victim" scenario.  She as a woman can make baseless allegation and probably never face consequences.  You as a man may face an uphill hurdle to disprove what she can't prove.
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Firsttimefather

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« Reply #14 on: November 26, 2021, 04:16:21 PM »

Starting to feel better. Helps having no contact. I think she blocked me, doesn’t matter. I only didn’t as since it was elevated to the point of ‘legal’ I thought best leave it as to keep track/evidence. One thing that is helping is the cornerstone of her ‘blackmail ‘ attempt is that she supposedly found stuff on my phone and copied it and she feels supports her argument. Now I know that can’t be true because I know such ‘evidence’ of her claim doesn’t exist. However it is such a strong allegation. I’m not the first time she has accused someone of something like this. She said her last bf solicited prostitution and she found out by accident, also that he attempted to rape her. Now I always just believed her story but strange she didn’t report it then however about 2 weeks ago got drunk and says she called in a report. She also avoided the callbacks in regards to those reports however. Again, I never questioned but definitely found it odd. It is amazing however how much the allegations can consume you. Again, I know I didn’t commit said offense however I know what it is like to be pulled through the system and it’s so draining, exhausting, humiliating, and can really ruin and derail a life. What I have learned however is that it is not legal to access a person’s phone and copy data, download apps, etc. without express permission. My phone has a passcode which she apparently learned. Sad to have to think and evaluate circumstances like this but she brought the ‘law’ in. It is good to know that if she did attempt a report based on what she claims is her evidence, the means to have gathered that evidence was not done properly making it inadmissible which most likely translates into her report not being taken seriously. So damn scary how someone can vilify and label you and I know it’s par for the course with Bpd but such a shame. Anyone can twist a story to ‘fit a crime’ as she is attempting so I feel you have to take it very seriously and ascertain all your rights should a false report be made. The innocent is often the hardest to defend. So much peace can come through taking the time to work things out, have a conversation, reach an understanding  but for my pwBPD that’s just not an option so on comes the fallout. Now of course I will continue untangling and moving on. Hopefully she doesn’t file the report but good to know it most likely wouldn’t amount to much. I have seen good people go down for things so I never really trust that even though you know you didn’t do something, that it’s going to work out. This relationship has led to me feeling like I constantly need my ducks in a row for when things go south and how that can happen at any given moment. I don’t drink very often, though I’m not a teetotaler but I always thought that without alcohol being involved the chances of calls to police to handle relationship issues would probably not happen. Boy was I wrong.  Already begins the process of looking back and seeing how much weight I was actually holding up, how I changed a bit though when I noticed it was able to stop myself and realize I didn’t like that change. In truth the last year reads like one pile of ruin after another with me being a very sweet and loving caretaker but not getting my needs met. I tried it and had hopes but that mostly what I had, a lot of hope. I was rather optimistic a few months back that I could do it, or we could pull it together and at times it felt great but in small spurts and riddled with unpredictability. I won’t miss the cold tone when my pwBpd would split black on me or the little occasional ‘digs’ .I will miss what I thought it could have been I suppose but life is too precious to be at risk, constantly on eggshells. There are things I wish I did better too but it takes two and that’s hard with Bpd relationships
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Cat Familiar
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« Reply #15 on: November 27, 2021, 11:47:30 AM »

You obviously have a lot of wonderful qualities that you bring to a relationship. It’s really sad that she did not appreciate your kindness and has threatened your security in such a monumental way.

Perhaps the best thing that can be gained from this relationship is improving your sense of due diligence. It’s hard when the heart wants what the heart wants, but equally important that the head has a voice in selecting an appropriate partner.

After my divorce from a frightening BPD husband, I worked with a therapist to uncover childhood wounds that led me to tolerate unkind behavior.

Perhaps I should have continued therapy a bit longer  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)  as I married yet another BPD husband, but this one is very kind and we have a good life. 
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“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
Firsttimefather

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« Reply #16 on: November 27, 2021, 01:48:13 PM »

I couldn’t agree with you more when it comes to therapy and thank you for your letter. It is good to hear compassion in your words, almost forgot what it was like(Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)).. I found childhood wounds of my own open up but this time around I took the experiences to therapy. It is so helpful. Yes, back to work on myself again. I did get some great advice from someone with experience in said matters and it squashed a lot of my fears. I am going to try and relax a bit today. Im so in deficit on sleep but last night was a little better.
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