Enablers of BPD

[Depression = 72% of members]

Suspected BPD in mother (there will NEVER be a diagnosis as she believes 'it's everyone else' with the problem). Father (enabler) has suffered prolonged emotional abuse for almost 60 years.
I have adored and put my father on a pedestal for over 50 years, but he has never stuck up for his kids (even when we were small). During a recent traumatic week when family came to stay in our new home, my mother was being particularly vile, controlling and ungrateful for our hospitality, with tantrums and silent treatment.

I FINALLY stood up to her for the first time in 50 years (but very politely!). She HATED being challenged and gave me the silent treatment for 2 days before playing the 'victim' and accusing me of 'having moods'.

Unfortunately, my father (after many years of desperate phone calls to me about her very behaviour) suddenly switched sides and turned on me in the most dramatic and ugly way and claimed I was the trouble-maker. I now believe this was because I challenged my mother’s behaviour in front of them both and he’s terrified of the consequences for himself.

I feel he has sacrificed his relationship with me to save his own skin and am utterly heartbroken.

HATE what BPD does to the family dynamic. Do others veer between feeling anger/pity/guilt/confusion?

[LongRoadAhead]

Suspected BPD in mother (there will NEVER be a diagnosis as she believes 'it's everyone else' with the problem). Father (enabler) has suffered prolonged emotional abuse for almost 60 years.
I have adored and put my father on a pedestal for over 50 years, but he has never stuck up for his kids (even when we were small). During a recent traumatic week when family came to stay in our new home, my mother was being particularly vile, controlling and ungrateful for our hospitality, with tantrums and silent treatment.

I FINALLY stood up to her for the first time in 50 years (but very politely!). She HATED being challenged and gave me the silent treatment for 2 days before playing the 'victim' and accusing me of 'having moods'.

Unfortunately, my father (after many years of desperate phone calls to me about her very behaviour) suddenly switched sides and turned on me in the most dramatic and ugly way and claimed I was the trouble-maker. I now believe this was because I challenged my mother’s behaviour in front of them both and he’s terrified of the consequences for himself.

I feel he has sacrificed his relationship with me to save his own skin and am utterly heartbroken.

HATE what BPD does to the family dynamic. Do others veer between feeling anger/pity/guilt/confusion?

[Methuen]

HATE what BPD does to the family dynamic. Do others veer between feeling anger/pity/guilt/confusion?

Yes.  The other person’s BPD will suck all the joy out of our life, unless we build a cocoon to add a layer of protection.  But even that can’t save us from pain, but only soften the blow.

What you have described is exactly the kind of thing that through a lifetime leads us to have major trust issues.

I am sorry for your current pain.  

[pursuingJoy]

Thanks for sharing your story. I'm so sorry for what you've been through, before and after this blow up. We understand how complicated and painful it is.

She HATED being challenged and gave me the silent treatment for 2 days before playing the 'victim' and accusing me of 'having moods'.

The irony. Playing the victim and 'having moods' is exactly what she was doing.

I feel he has sacrificed his relationship with me to save his own skin and am utterly heartbroken.

One thing I learned here is that family systems fight to maintain the equilibrium they're accustomed to. When someone changes it throws a cog into the machine. Everyone feels really uncomfortable, and discomfort results in knee-jerk reactions designed to bring the machine back into working order. Your dad was reacting to intense discomfort without thinking about the impact on you. Doesn't make it a healthy response, and I can absolutely understand why you're hurt.

HATE what BPD does to the family dynamic. Do others veer between feeling anger/pity/guilt/confusion?

I hate it too. I feel less confusion now than I used to. I waver between sadness, anger, pity and guilt.

My MIL has BPD, and her son (my husband) has very poor boundaries and an enmeshed relationship. After years of therapy, he makes an effort at boundaries but continues to insist that his mom is the ideal mom and he had the ideal family. Facing the dysfunction requires a tremendous amount of courage. You're stronger than you know.

[LongRoadAhead]

Thank you so much for your kind and supportive comments. It does help to make sense of it all.
The worst thing for me though is the guilt. Guilt that somehow this is all my fault ('sorry' was the first word I learnt!) and that I must have done something wrong - even though I've replayed the situation a million times in my head and am still confused.
All I did was suggest she wasn't very happy and that we were all doing our best to make her trip a nice one. That's me 'standing up for myself'!
Yes, it was tempting to say nothing and ignore that bad behaviour, like we've all done as a family over and over again, just to keep the peace.
However, this time, my husband was being affected and she bought all the toxicity of life back home into OUR home. I couldn't stand by and let that happen.
Your comment about upsetting the equilibrium is spot on and very well put, but the guilt I now feel makes me wish I'd never thrown in that cog!
I guess I'm also now feeling invalidated by my father as well as a lifetime of invalidation from my mother.

I do hope things improve with your family situation.

[Couscous]

I’m so sorry that you are going through this. Please know that you have done NOTHING wrong. That’s just your Inner Critical Parent talking.

I too feel a lot of anger, sadness, pity and confusion, and am also experiencing the shock and heartbreak of having my enabler father suddenly turn on me to save his own skin. I was a daddy’s girl too…

And it was two years ago that I also politely stood up to my uBPD mother (who also has no problems — it’s everyone else), and she drove off into the night and didn’t come home until 3 AM. That really was a watershed moment for me, when I finally truly understood how high the stakes were for me, and that for the sake of my emotional wellbeing I absolutely had to stop visiting her and drastically reduce contact. I have gradually weaned (because it really is an addiction) myself off of contact with her except for quick video calls for my kids’ birthdays which I have to heavily police in order to prevent any of her shenanigans.

I am not sure what the future holds with respect to my father, but I do know that the relationship we have had up until now is over, and I am going to have to grieve that for quite a while.

I can now understand the wisdom in going no/ very low contact with one’s toxic family, at least while going through the process of recovery. Good luck to us all!

[LongRoadAhead]

So sorry for your troubles too Couscous, sounds like you've been through the same thing.

I was told 2 years ago by a therapist to cut off all contact with my uBPD mother for the sake of my own mental health!  I just couldn't do it and maintained regular contact (me phoning them, as always!) as it was what I'd always done, which I never questioned. It would have been unthinkable for me to not have contact with my parents - but now the unthinkable has happened!

I now intend to drastically reduce contact - which won't be so difficult as we've now moved 200 miles away. I will feel terrible about it as parents are now in their 80's and I feel very responsible for them, but I know that I need to do this in order to recover, at least while I get some counselling and learn about boundaries.

I too now have to 'grieve' for the relationship I had with my father, which will NEVER be the same again - something else my uBPD mother has managed to sabotage!.

I hope some good can come out of the bad for us all.   

[GaGrl]

Moving 200 miles from my grandfather and step-grandmother (she was the uBPD/NPD) was the best thing my dad did to help my mother heal and establish their own family. It was difficult -- she was an only child -- but it protected all of us.

[Couscous]

Moving 200 miles from my grandfather and step-grandmother (she was the uBPD/NPD) was the best thing my dad did to help my mother heal and establish their own family. It was difficult -- she was an only child -- but it protected all of us.

Thank you so much for posting this! I have been struggling with so much guilt over the prospect of cutting off my young children from their grandparents and extended family, and I have worried so much about how I will ever be able to explain to them why I did it. Your comment gives me so much hope that they one day will be able to understand and even, appreciate what I have done not just for me, but also for them.

[Teabunny]

Yes, @LongRoadAhead, I too share those feelings! Like others, my confusion is slowly going away as I understand psychology better. But I'm still struggling with the guilt, anger, sadness and empathizing with their pain. Mom is uBPD, Dad enabling.

I feel he has sacrificed his relationship with me to save his own skin and am utterly heartbroken.

Since last week I've realized that my Dad made the choice long ago, when I was very young, to prioritize Mom's unhealthy behaviors over his own health, family relationships and my safety and child development. He's making the same choice now, and I don't think he intends to change (he's actually becoming more enmeshed and enabling, not less). However, I'm not sure he's doing it "to save his own skin" because I outright asked him if he realized that doing everything mom asks of him will not keep her happy, and he said yes, he knows. She doesn't let up on him when he does what she wants, and he seems aware of that, but capitulates anyway. I don't know why. Did your dad actually benefit from turning on you in front of her, or not?

So I've been working through grieving that relationship as well as the one with my mother.

@Couscous, personally I grew up finding alternative "grandparents" and while it's not the same due to society's prioritizing blood relatives over friends, it is something special. But I wonder if you've thought about teaching your kids everything they need to recognize and protect themselves from abusive behavior from anyone they meet in life, and allowing them to decide if they want to have or not have BPD/NPD grandparents (or other relatives) in their life? For example, I can choose to have a connection to someone mom is "upset" with even if she thinks I shouldn't. As a child she insisted her own mother was horribly abusive and tried to elicit sympathy by demonizing grandma; now she idolizes grandma and tries to control the frequency of my contact. I would have preferred being allowed to just have my own connection to grandma, who has not been abusive to me (during our long distance contact) the way she was with mom. At some point in any case, your kids will be independent and can choose, so inoculating them and allowing them that choice while you can support them (but still protecting yourself) might be nice. Then you don't have that guilt, either. Coincidentally, Disney just released Entrelazados, an Argentinian comedy-drama series, which has its main plot line about this dilemma between NPD grandma, mom and daughter.

Hugs to all of you going through the heartbreak of loss due to someone's enabling behavior. 

[Couscous]

Teabunny,

The main issue with my mother is that her tactics are very covert, and very hard to spot. You can never really put your finger on it — you just feel bad after you talk to her. So it’s hard for me to think of ways to teach my kids to spot her bad behavior.

She engages mainly in triangulation and very slick divide and conquer tactics. After being a pretty normal grandma for the first 5 years, for some reason things have changed since my son turned 6. She has already tried to get him to feel sorry for her because we didn’t visit last year, and during her videocall on his 7th birthday she was in “Queen” mode, it was clear that the only purpose of the conversation was to extract gossip from him about which relatives we had invited to his party which left him feeling very confused. I then witnessed her subtly mock my teenage niece (of whom she has never approved) for being short, as she talked to her tall 12 year sister.

Entrelezados sounds interesting, I’ll check it out!

[LongRoadAhead]

Teabunny - thank you for your comments. I can't believe so many people are going through the exact same thing.I thought I was the only one. I can't talk to anyone I know about this as all my friends/acquaintances (who still have their parents) seem to have 'normal' families/fairly good relationships with their parents so don't really understand and I'd feel very guilty about raising such issues infront of them. It's so very isolating.

I haven't had the courage to ask my dad about his behaviour since they left as I NEVER want to poke that particular nest ever again and I can't get him on his own anyway because mother listens to his phone calls and monitors ALL e mails etc.

But in many previous conversations, although he's acknowledged her behaviour and how awful it is, he's also begged me not to say anything to her in the fear that 'world war 3' would erupt. So, I don't know if he's scared or just wants a quiet life. However, since they left I've been told by my sister (who lives with them) that they are getting on much better!.

The thing that really makes me incredibly sad/angry/invalidated is that, not 24 hours before he turned on me, we had managed to get him away from my mother for a couple of hours (respite that he NEVER gets at home!) and took him to a lovely cafe/gardens. What did he do the whole time?  Instead of enjoying his 'freedom', he spent the whole time  bemoaning my mother's behaviour and telling me my grandfather had warned him not to marry her 60 years ago!  24 hours later, it seems I was no longer of use to him - I don't think I'll ever work it out, but I just feel sickened by it all.
Good luck with your journey.

[Couscous]

But in many previous conversations, although he's acknowledged her behaviour and how awful it is, he's also begged me not to say anything to her in the fear that 'world war 3' would erupt. So, I don't know if he's scared or just wants a quiet life. However, since they left I've been told by my sister (who lives with them) that they are getting on much better!.

This is classic drama triangle dynamics. Your father plays the role of victim when he talks to you about your mother (persecutor), inviting you to be his rescuer. When you stood up to your mother, she perceived you as the persecutor which set the stage for your dad to jump in as her rescuer, while persecuting you, the new victim. The payoff for your dad is enjoying a period of “cheap intimacy” with your mother, at your expense.

This exact dynamic is what played out between my brother, father and me. It’s all rather predictable actually. The only way off of the triangle is to immediately start using non-defensive communication, which I failed to do, but instead took my father’s actions personally and attempted to stand up for myself, and fell into the JADE trap. BIG mistake. But ya’ live and learn.

[LongRoadAhead]

Couscous - you're SO right. I'd read about the 'triangle', but couldn't quite work out who was who in this scenario and that the roles might change along the way.
I absolutely got it wrong when being accused and immediately tried to defend myself, which I now know was wrong. In the moment though, you revert back to that small child who is constantly being blamed for something she didn't do. All my defense mechanisms came out and it ended badly. Hindsight is a wonderful thing!

[Notwendy]

LongRoadAhead,

I could have written your post exactly. It has been similar dynamics with my parents. I idolized my father. He had a long illness before he passed away. I visited to help out and my mother was also very vile and abusive to the point where I had to stand up to her. She got angry at me and my father turned on me as well.

I was devastated too. I didn't understand the Karpman triangle. It was very helpful to learn about it.

I understand how you feel. One thing that helped me was when I worked on my own co-dependent tendencies and understood my father's behavior in context. I had perceived him as the "normal" one, a victim of my mother's behavior but then could see where his tendencies were also dysfunctional- and that he'd default to rescuing her just as if an alcoholic could fall off the wagon when being offered a drink. That doesn't mean the behavior is OK, but it's not about you. You are not to blame.

The "dump you to save his own skin"- I was shocked that my own father would do this. I also saw sadly, that he endured her abuse. In order for him to stand up for me, he'd have to stand up for himself, to say no to her and his default is to give in to her.

It's not about you, and yet, I understand how betrayed you feel. Like you, I loved my father in the innocent way a child does, he was my hero, my Daddy- but our fathers are human too. It has helped to not take this personally and see it as a result of the dynamics between my parents.

[Couscous]

I have realized that the only way off of the drama triangle is making it a rule prohibiting the mention of third persons who are family members. I have been guilty of triangling my father into my conflicts with my mother and siblings, but I now see that this has to stop.

No more bonding over having a “common enemy”, which frankly, is the only way we know how to bond in my family.  I will be politely letting my father know that the subject of other family members, or the family drama, is now off limits. This will mean that our conversations are now going to be very boring and very short, as we don’t really have much else to talk about.

I have also realized how much I have been his emotional caretaker. He doesn’t require a lot of caretaking, but even so, I am simply no longer willing to provide this service for him.

[Teabunny]

I totally agree with others who posted that it's helpful to put a boundary up about not discussing "the common enemy" - I think it would be best for me to do that with both my parents. I keep in touch with them through email updates & videos, social media and snail mail packages but don't really talk to them anyway (spoke to dad twice in past year, mom not at all).

I wonder if another way off the triangle to always ensure non-family (spouse, friend, etc) is around when talking to those in the Karpman triangle drama? I noticed my parents kept things fairly normal on calls that include my spouse. Success probably will vary.

[Ouch9999]

Just wanted to add my voice to the choir of "you're not alone!"

My mom enables my sister with BPD. My sister and I were constantly going to my mom to referee our arguments and tell us who was right. My mother, always being my sister's rescuer, would side with her. I felt so abandoned. The parent, who was supposed to stick up for me and protect me, would just walk over and side with my abuser. So painful.

NotWendy's insight that

"I also saw sadly, that he endured her abuse. In order for him to stand up for me, he'd have to stand up for himself, to say no to her and his default is to give in to her."

Wow. I had seen in many ways how my grandparents' abusiveness had affected my mom, but it never occurred to me that it plays out in this way as well.

One last thing-I so appreciate Couscous' comment that their person with BPD has very covert and slick tactics, which is like my high-functioning sister. It is very isolating and impossible to talk to anyone other than my therapist or people in this group because others just don't get it. It's hard enough to believe when you're living with it, but even harder for people who aren't.

Hugs to us all.
 

[Notwendy]

I have set this boundary with my BPD mother. I do not discuss other family members with her for the purpose of triangulation.

However, she also lies frequently. Because she is elderly, family members are concerned about her. We do cross check what she tells us. She could call one of us saying she doesn't feel well and then speak to someone else and be fine. We can't tell if what she says is true or not. So far, I can speak to her home health team if I need to.

However, I remain aware that anything I say could possibly be shared with her through the triangulation. So I am careful about what I say.

I think intent is the key here. I don't want to be part of the triangle dynamics. For me, the boundary is content of discussion. If she wants to discuss something factual like a relative's child graduating, or getting a job, that's factual. If I am sharing a concern about her with a family member, that's not with intent to triangulate.

[zachira]

We get it here that being the family member to stand up to the abuse often means you get ruthlessly abused for doing so. There are so many mixed feelings when your father enables your mother's abuse of you because he lives in fear of her abuse and the consequences of standing up to her. Things will get better in time, as you are hoping, though not in all the ways you are hoping for. It is a lifelong sorrow having a mother with BPD and a father who enables her, which is what I experienced when my parents were alive. With time, you will most likely feel more comfortable with the protective boundaries you have set with your parents, though they will probably never give up on trying to return the family dynamics to what they were before. Know that your mother and father will likely never change and in the long run, you will be so much happier and secure in who you are and what kind of relationships you choose to have in your life. It has been extremely painful for me to set healthy boundaries with my large extended family in which the abuse has gone on for many generations. The biggest difference it has made in my life is I now mainly attract the right kind of people to be my friends and am not so challenged with traumatic reenactment, trying to get my emotional needs met with people who are similar to my abusive family members. It is like I live in two different worlds, the one with abusive family members and their enablers who view me as a troublemaker, and the people who treat me with kindness and respect. Your life will get better as you set the healthy boundaries while you continue to struggle with the challenges of your mother and father refusing to grow and change. We have many members here who have participated on PSI for years, as they work on how to negotiate the difficulties of dealing with a mother with BPD and a father who enables her. Do read threads of other members, and keep us posted on how you are doing. We are here to listen and support you in the long journey ahead.