I don't know what to do

[Tblack6]

I'm personally at a point where I don't know what to do.  I started talking to this guy 9months ago(Feb). We had already known each other and worked together but started talking seriously after a party one night. The beginning of the relationship was INTENSE! They showered me with overwhelming affection and love every chance he could get.  Every time we'd facetime he'd take photos of me all the time and id do the same to him and we would laugh about it. I'm very laid back and passive so I never judged him whenever he had tantrums, mood swings, and manic episodes(the whole works). He demanded so much out of me and I gave in every step of the way. I loved him unconditionally. This was my first relationship and I'm inexperienced and wanted to make it work because I really loved this guy. He was the first person that I've been close to romantically. He also grew close to me as well sharing his deep personal life with me(family life and insecurities) stuff he said even his previous exes didn't know about. He always tells me how much he "loves me" and how I have "no competition". He was the first person I've been close to romantically.   I've always been there for them and have given them my UPMOST patience. Fast fwd to mid-September I was frustrated with him because he stopped showing any interest in me or my life- everything revolved around him. Little did I know this exchange triggered his fear of abandonment and I found out he was emotionally cheating on me. I was devastated and confused and we went on a "break". As soon as he left, he stopped sharing his location and contact became scarce. He would text me telling me how sorry he was and how I always had his heart. He told me he felt unworthy of the love I showed him.  During the break, he coped by talking to old exes and other guys while still talking to the same guy he cheated on me with. He also did things to make me jealous, like posting the guy on his private that he took me off of. He also took the same guy to watch the very movie I had planned for US to watch together. During the break on my end, I didn't want anything serious and only wanted to find friends. I also stayed at my friend's house to get away to a new environment. While there I became aware that he had BPD and educated myself on it. Everything he did began to make sense to me now as I learned more about BPD.  Mid-late October came and we made the time to talk to each other. We discussed his BPD and he opened up to me about it and got emotional about how hard it is. I told him I wanted to heal from everything and focus on myself while staying friends but he cried and begged to get back with me and he showed that he broke up with the other guy for me... and we ended up back together. He said we could heal together and that's how he got me back in. We've been together since and I still love him but now I have wounds from the cheating.  Now he seems different, he still loves bombs but part of me says it's not genuine- nor does he really seem interested in me on a deeper level still. If I ask him why he loves me he can't really tell me much besides surface-level stuff. He was weirdly possessive though- he got mad at the thought of me talking to other guys during the break but he was the one who cheated and was talking to guys during the break. Since everything I've self-reflected and I've begun to realize that we're just trauma bonding and I know it's unhealthy. I think I might have APD(avoidant personality disorder) and things are beginning to become more clearer to me as to why I'm still attracted to him. Now he trying to get us to move into an apartment together - and I'm at a place where I don't know what to do. I don't know if it's a good idea- I just feel like I'm lost and don't know who I am anymore.

[Antonio123]

Hi
Im new too and as someone who has been with my Bordeline wife of 18 years would suggest save yourself and get out now. I know how conflicted you are as the feelings of love are strong. But he will cheat again amd somehow blame you

We are not perfect ourselves but it is a painful road to go down, and only 9 months in its not too late to focus on yourself and get out while you can

Sorry if this isnt the answer youre looking for but the stakes get bigger as you go further. In my situation we have 2 young kids  and dthru all the love and support and forgiveness now SHE wants the divorce.