Love her but love me too, and a couple questions.

[Firsttimefather]

Good morning. 4 days since last contact with Bpd ex gf and it’s getting easier. Surfacing are the memories of that other personality: the cold, mean, accusatory, untrusting, dark eyed stranger and that helps. It has only been a year so I still don’t feel I had seen the whole of that character but I saw and heard enough to know it was there. As I wrote this I wonder how much longer I will be coming here. To heal fully will mean further disconnecting so… however for now I’m so happy this place exists. I won’t lie. I love her very much and in some fantasy world she calls me missing me, wanting to know how to fix it etc and we build the supports and help we need to pull it off. On the other hand moving forward without her and the whole ordeal:working on it with therapy etc, seems like a much lighter caseload. Not that I wouldn’t take it on if the necessary agreements were made.As it gets further out that light continues to dim on such possibility. My friends and family all say run, my T says break old patterns and avoid legal intervention. I think back to her email from a week ago where she kept trying to engage me in argument but I didn’t respond to the one that was really supposed to get me: ‘I don’t want any kind of relationship with you so no need for mediation’ few days later texts me ‘can you take me to pick up my car?’ That same push/pull still going on? I know Bpd will say how they feel at that moment and that can be ever changing. It hurt a little then but I also remember feeling like ‘me neither!’ But I’m not too bad at NC , that day I responded I just felt I had to say one more time: I love you, I miss you and wish you best… she didn’t respond to that. Not with anger or hatred. Nothing but let me know it’s ok if I text her mother.(she originally texted me asking I not do that, that’s what started a little communication) but it’s been days, a week or so since. I look back at how much I did, how much I gave, how much I surrendered. Yes I miss her, yes I check the phone more than I should and research away my blues but I’m not reaching out to her. I will have to love from afar and just wish the best to the sky and stars. We went through a lot, more than any couple should in a year, feels like longer in ways with all the ups and downs. I don’t know what I’ll do if she reaches out, If she reaches out. My guess she will, there is a lot of ‘me’in our house and I know deep down I was there out of love and if she looks and thinks back I know that truth is there somewhere, or she vilifies me forever. It’s her cycle not mine, I’m walking, don’t need the ride. I don’t have children but that’s what I feel like I’m doing: saying goodbye to my teenager heading off to school. Sure I worry and hope she will be okay, safe and loved but helpless to do anything for her. Well for the heck of it some questions. It’s always nice to see responses: Anybody out there think she will contact me again? I know it’s hard to guess but from peoples experience here curiously were there times you thought, ‘it’s definitely over she is done, gone, “ only to pop back up? My guess she either is rebounding or gone hyper vigilant work/sleep or both. I am curious of stories where it looked like there was no way in hell she would turn around but then did. Also thoughts on her comment about ‘no relationship’ then asks to be taken to her car?  The more I look back I see a cloud surrounding my ex and all the drama that lies within I get to consciously decide whether or not I deal with it. I take it day by day. If she did show back up I would probably try to suggest therapy, counseling or something. Maybe actually solidify the support plans we discussed but never implemented. But I won’t initiate that contact. It’s on her to clean this up a bit first.  She started to be and was abusive in the end and that is not ok. I watched a show on TV last night called Better Things and there was a scene where the teenage daughter and mother were having an argument. The  daughter was attempting to gaslight the mom and the mom responded with : you need to be accountable for your actions etc. The daughter tried triangulation and other manipulative tactics but tough mom wouldn’t allow it.she firmly and sternly said ‘boundaries and accountability’ My friend and I discussed it after. How the daughter definitely acted kinda Bpd and how the mother dealt with it. Hard to be like that when it’s your gf but point well made. It is okay to hold someone accountable when they are abusive. I read last night how that abuse is just part of the relationship cycle. Weirdly that cheered me up. I know it wasn’t personal but doesn’t change the fact it did happen and was wrong. Last question: I know her delusions prompted her actions and I know those accusations weren’t true. Do those delusions or beliefs even matter to her anymore? What I mean to say is: we’re they just a smokescreen to cover up the fact that ‘she’ was who did something terrible to us by calling the police with false accusations? Or does she not think that she did wrong there? I told her flat out :that was abusive and it scared family and friends. She responded:”I’m glad you have someone to worry about you’ ….I wonder sometimes if that’s what she is thinking though, and again no one knows but her, but is she ashamed of that action or feel justified when there really was no abuse from my end. Honestly sometimes I think she called to prevent her from exploding worst so that I didn’t see the full extent of her in this state. I don’t know. I figure may as well ask and get some folks insights as it could be I leave here soon, but for now, thanks everyone.

[Turkish]

I don’t have children but that’s what I feel like I’m doing: saying goodbye to my teenager heading off to school. Sure I worry and hope she will be okay, safe and loved but helpless to do anything for her.

Do you feel that your relationship might have a daddy-daughter dynamic?

[Firsttimefather]

I hadn’t thought about it before.. it is a good question but I don’t think so I’m our day to day interactions. I felt like I was with my person. It felt kinda normal at times, if that makes sense. Looking back I consider she was just mirroring me possibly. It could easily have evolved into that dynamic however. Current state she reached out via text today :we need to resolve these issues ….followed by a ‘it’s only fair we switch bedrooms’ —-I didn’t respond and she wrote hours later asking if I got her message… I’m trying to stay NC for now. Focus on me. I want to respond but when I start to think about what to write I honestly just don’t know what to say. Anyway, thanks for your reply

[Turkish]

This might help. It talks about email, but I was able to adapt it to verbal communications as well.

2.03 | B.I.F.F. Technique for Communications