How do you deal with the pain and rejection

[pennymoo]

I had a complete devaluing experience & cutoff from a family member, who had "courted"me, drawn me in in close then cut me off claiming I was manipulative, infringing in her life and numerous other erroneous comments. She'd have been better off running a knife through my heart.
She has continued to be all love and light toothers in the family...who all take the attitude "oh poor kid, she's stressed". Meantime I'm treated as if I have the problems, I created the issues. I did something wrong. Sadly she (the family member) has also "buddied up" with my friends of Facebook etc, whilst blocking me. Friday was a hugely momentous occasion/event...I was informed over 24 hours after the event. Meantime, friends,family etc all knew, all in the loop, all celebrating.
My heart is feeling ripped out. I feel I have lost friends, all my family and all i ever did was try to love and care for this person. Now it is me being targeted as the problem, the one who needs to go to her & beg her forgiveness. It has made me believe I am a bad, worthless scum who is like a bit of excrement under everyones' feet.
I am just SO low.
Sorry I am so self indulgent and self pitying, I am just not able to handle this.
Thanks for listening.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi pennymoo, 

I'm so sorry that you are going through this and for all the pain you're feeling! Here's an extra hug for you. 

This sounds like classic splitting:

Behaviors: Splitting

A couple posts into the link there is another link to a very good second Splitting topic that would also be helpful to you.

Since the emotional pain you're experiencing is very new and leaves you feeling quite raw, give yourself another couple of days and some of the pain will ease up. Hang in there, and let us know how you're doing now.

 
Wools

[Couscous]

I’m so very sorry pennymoo, but it looks like you are being targeted as the scapegoat. You aren’t being self-indulgent at all. Being ostracized is a very painful thing to experience but you also can, in time, rise above it.

If you are a victim of scapegoating or a black sheep, take heart. You were chosen because you have the qualities that narcissists lack. You were chosen because you were threatening. You were chosen because you were powerful. They saw that power in you, and they wanted to take it away.

https://thoughtcatalog.com/shahida-arabi/2018/03/the-narcissistic-conspiracy-scapegoating-smear-campaigns-and-black-sheep-how-narcissistic-groups-bully-their-chosen-victims/

[Notwendy]

I understand how hurtful this feels, and have grieved this situation myself. I think dealing with these feelings is a process. First, we can feel our feelings. Growing up with a BPD family member, I think we are used to considering their feelings, wondering what we have done or can do. This time - focus on yours. Self care is important. Be good to yourself.

Probably the most helpful realization was that- this is more about them than you. In fact, it likely has nothing to do with you. You are not being rejected. The person with BPD is projecting their own bad feelings, taking victim perspective and recruiting others as "rescuers". (see the Karpman triangle for an explanation of the dynamics).

While you truly feel victimized by this, keep in mind that taking that perspective with the person with BPD is likely to escalate the situation. On your part, the decision about what to do is up to you.

In my situation, my father was ill and my mother's BPD behaviors escalated at this time. I was not aware of the Karpman triangle dynamics and my reactions escalated this, but I didn't know that. I got angry at my mother, she took victim perspective, enlisted my father, and her family and friends as rescuers, and had told them things about me that were not true.

I continued to reach out to my father, but he eventually passed away. As to her family and friends, it was embarrassing to think they believed what she said about me. I realized that if I said anything to clarify the situation, they'd have to choose who to believe. It was her word, or mine, and they already believed her. So I walked away from the situation.

Yes, I grieved. It was sad to think these people would seemingly discard a relationship with me, but I also realized how these dynamics were in families with a disordered person and understood it was not "me" they were dismissing. I also decided that if someone could so easily believe what she said- and do this, it was better that I didn't get involved with anyone in her circle. If someone is connected to her, I keep an emotional distance.

I also had to believe that truth prevails. Eventually some of her closest family members saw a glimpse of the behaviors- she's able to hold it together in social environments but I think over time, they could see some of them. Eventually one of them reached out to me and we have reconnected. However, I can't trust that connection like I used to.

Sadly, BPD dynamics can split families and friends. I didn't imagine it was possible before this happened. I also am responsible for my part in this. If someone is connected to my mother, I am careful what I say to them. I know that anything I say can be reported back to her. Some people choose to go NC with the person with BPD and anyone in contact with them. That's one choice. On my part though, I chose to keep contact but not on an emotional level.

You can decide that if someone treats you like this, that investing emotionally in the relationship isn't something you wish to do.

[zachira]

Couscous,
Thank you for the link to the article on scapegoating.

[pennymoo]

Yes, thank you Couscous for the link to these articles.
I guess trouble with these situations/problems is that there is no "one size fits all" solution. there is no stabilty in the whole situation anyway, its all continuing shifting sand. Its like being put on the sports field to play a game, not even knowing that there ARE ANY RULES or GOALPOSTS, let alone what or where they are. Then "Bam" from nowhere you get an infringement & penalty & you didnt even know what it was about.
In fact for me its been even worse, I was on the field playing a game and I didnt even know I WAS playing! (I guess we all have that to begin with)
I think for me the hardest thing is
believing that I am ok, I'm a nice person, Im still the same person I always was.
Its a fear of not being able to trust myself or my own emotions and motives & yet I KNOW I was never acting to hurt, manipulate, etc.
And the other thing that REALLY hurts (& I guess adds to the  self doubt) is the way others (MY friends, family etc) have been co-opted to believe and support the person with BPD.
Im working hard on myself though and realise I need to simply eliminate her from my life, as things will never change. I will always be the "baddy", I will always be re-framed as the reincarnation of her mother.
Aagin, thanks all for listening.

[Notwendy]

The article is very interesting and I can relate to why I was the selected scapegoat. I read somewhere that the scapegoat child is the "truth teller" in the family and I didn't buy into the tendency to look the other way with my BPD mother. I learned to not say anything but she knew I didn't buy into it. My mother prefers to surround herself with people who admire her. The Golden Child in the family was more agreeable to her.

Being competent was, I think, inevitable. BPD mother didn't cook- I learned to cook- we had to eat, and I was competent at other tasks. I think it is chicken and egg. With BPD mother's emotional need to be taken care of- she would enlist others to do things for her. People become competent at something with practice. She did less, we did more. She also has narcissistic tendencies and so some tasks- she feels must be done for her- so we learned to do things for her and became competent.

I have also experienced this kind of thing outside the family and it was very upsetting, but I suspect that the dynamics are similar. A new person moved to my area and joined into my social circle and at some point, turned my friends in that group against me. I never understood why and wondered what did I do. It was actually nothing. I just noticed one day this group had left me out. I tried asking one of them why and she wouldn't tell me. I later found out this person had done similar things to others on a committee, sabotaged their projects. This person has now moved. One of the former friends is now friendly to me, but we both keep an emotional distance.

We are all familiar with the "mean girl" dynamics in middle school but I didn't realize this prevailed into adulthood.

[pennymoo]

I really feel for all of you who have suffered this scapegoating and ostracism.
I must admit I am REALLY struggling with this.
It is SO hard to hear/see people who are supposed to be my friends siding with her, sending her love & care & hugs ...also family members doing the same.
If these people knew nothing about what had happened I'd give them a pass, but they know how I was targeted, abused and devalued and yet nobody can even pick up the phone or email/sms me to see how I am...its all about her & supporting her.
Yep, I'm self pitying as she told me I am- but I am really struggling.
Thanks again for listening. I just dont know where else to turn.

[Couscous]

Dear pennymoo,  it really is so very hard. It feels surreal; or like a nightmare that you just can’t wake up from. It was 6 weeks ago that the last person in my family finally turned on me and joined Team Scapegoat, and it was my very own father. I haven’t heard a peep from him since. But I am still here.

And what I have started noticing is that this feeling of abandonment and extreme aloneness isn’t actually new to me. I am beginning to realize that I have always felt this way without my being consciously aware of it. It was like all the drama in my family and all my rescuing was keeping me so distracted that I never had a chance to notice just how alone I have always been, even when surrounded by ‘family’. Maybe you will notice something similar.

If you need some additional support, perhaps you might like to check out an Al-Anon, or CODA meeting? They are all online right now. People with BPD aren’t all that different from alcoholics and the family dynamics are almost identical.

Keep hanging in there, you are stronger than you think. 

[Notwendy]

Hi Couscous- I understand. I was shocked when family members aligned with my mother and didn't expect that from my father. I just didn't think he'd do that.

And what I have started noticing is that this feeling of abandonment and extreme aloneness isn’t actually new to me. I am beginning to realize that I have always felt this way without my being consciously aware of it. It was like all the drama in my family and all my rescuing was keeping me so distracted that I never had a chance to notice just how alone I have always been.

Yes, exactly.

[pennymoo]

Thanks.x

[zachira]

Being the family scapegoat is so painful. It is confusing and lonely trying to understand why the flying monkeys enable the overt abuses of the scapegoats. You are probably seeing and understanding this dynamic now because you have the strength to face the pain. For so many years, we feel something is wrong, yet we cannot put a finger on it often because there is so much gaslighting of the scapegoats.by so many of the flying monkeys that we start to fear that maybe we really are defective human beings unworthy of love.
What has helped me the most, is to see how differently I get treated by people outside my family. Most people treat me with love and kindness. I now know that if I start to feel shame around another person, that he/she is likely dumping his/her uncomfortable feelings about himself/herself onto me.
Keep working on your boundaries, and valuing choosing people who treat you with the kindness and respect every human being deserves. Being the scapegoat of the family is a life long sorrow, so take time to grieve and keep us updated on how you are doing. 

[pennymoo]

Again, thanks all. Zachiura. You "nailed it" completely!

[Couscous]

This thread reminded me of something I read in The Betrayal Bond about ‘carried shame’.

THE MISPERCEPTIONS OF OTHERS

Once you have clarity about reality, you must be willing to risk that others will misperceive you. Survivors want others to understand them. They do not want anyone upset with them. They hold out a vain hope that they can write a letter to explain their actions or that they can have the “talk” that will gain them the acceptance of their actions. The fact is that they can give the perfect explanation, and others in the abusive system will not understand it, maybe not even believe it. Even those who truly do cherish the survivor will misperceive. Remember, they are back in the fun house. If survivors are making significant changes, the people around them will not like it. They will misinterpret the survivor’s actions. They may even question the survivor’s motivation and conduct. Count on it.

The problem is shame. Shame is part of our internal guidance system, which tells us what is appropriate. Survivors embedded in traumatic shame become so other-directed that they lose their sense of self. They feel like the exploitation is their fault. The victim then carries the shame of the abuser and is shameful. The abuser, however, remains shameless. The victim becomes more desperate for the approval of others. For the victim, shame ceases to be a tool for appropriate action and becomes a prison from which there is a loss of autonomy and freedom.

Remember, others in the system will have to go through denial, fear, and anger before they get to the pain. That includes family members, friends, and other people on whom survivors might count. If you are committed to reality, you must accept that people will misperceive you.

[pennymoo]

Couscous, that is brilliant, thanks.

[Riv3rW0lf]

This thread reminded me of something I read in The Betrayal Bond about ‘carried shame’.

THE MISPERCEPTIONS OF OTHERS

Once you have clarity about reality, you must be willing to risk that others will misperceive you. Survivors want others to understand them. They do not want anyone upset with them. They hold out a vain hope that they can write a letter to explain their actions or that they can have the “talk” that will gain them the acceptance of their actions. The fact is that they can give the perfect explanation, and others in the abusive system will not understand it, maybe not even believe it. Even those who truly do cherish the survivor will misperceive. Remember, they are back in the fun house. If survivors are making significant changes, the people around them will not like it. They will misinterpret the survivor’s actions. They may even question the survivor’s motivation and conduct. Count on it.

The problem is shame. Shame is part of our internal guidance system, which tells us what is appropriate. Survivors embedded in traumatic shame become so other-directed that they lose their sense of self. They feel like the exploitation is their fault. The victim then carries the shame of the abuser and is shameful. The abuser, however, remains shameless. The victim becomes more desperate for the approval of others. For the victim, shame ceases to be a tool for appropriate action and becomes a prison from which there is a loss of autonomy and freedom.

Remember, others in the system will have to go through denial, fear, and anger before they get to the pain. That includes family members, friends, and other people on whom survivors might count. If you are committed to reality, you must accept that people will misperceive you.

This is something I also needed to read.

[Couscous]

I came across this article today that was really helpful: www.sfhelp.org/relate/scapegoat.htm