The Excruciating Silent Treatment

[StrawberryCat]

Hi everyone, I'm new here. So happy to find a forum like this as I don't know who I can talk to in real life. So here it goes.

I'm going to be 40 years old in two days, living with my parents. It's something common in the country I'm living in.

I suspect my mother has BPD. Finally saw a therapist this year (kept postponing this as my mother really wants her story to be kept as a secret) and we went through the DSM 5 criteria list and yep, it's very likely that she has it as I've suspected.

I think I've been the scapegoat in the family, but also the one she showers her love the most. She really liked giving me the silent treatment when I was little, and it really affects me now. It's really hard to allow myself to be heard or seen, hence it's been affecting my career. It is also the reason why I'm still living with my parents, as I don't think I'm ready to move out due to my personal financial circumstance.

Things had been much better ever since my brother passed away 8 years ago. But this year, she started to be mean again. She gave me a silent treatment when I refused to follow her way of taking care of our senior cat (who died a month ago) because I was afraid it might hurt her. That lasted for a couple of weeks and things got better again (she even really helped me take care of my late cat when I had to go out of town for training). I was actually really proud of how I handled her when she gave me the silent treatment that time. It didn't really affect me and I kept going with what I had to do.

But then, it happened again a couple of days ago. And right now, I cannot fight the way I fought last time. The feelings inside are so bad that at one point I even thought that it should've been me instead of my late brother because I always make her mad. I got furious and mad over the thought. Why did she have to instill such a feeling of unworthiness like this in her own daughter?

It was her birthday last Friday. The day before, I was busy looking up the right cake to buy for her, as I know she can be very fussy when it comes to food. Then I remembered the strawberry shortcake that we usually had when I was in high school. She liked that cake so I decided to find something similar.

I found this cream cake with strawberry and had it delivered to my home. I put it inside the fridge and was planning to give it to her at midnight. But she saw it and asked me in this mean, unappreciative and offended tone as if I was doing something bad to her. "What cake is that inside the fridge? It's not black forest, isn't it?" I told her no, but I couldn't keep myself from expressing my confusion in her tone. She got really mad and started to blame herself out loud, "Yeah, I know I am a bad person. Somebody was trying to do something nice but I asked them in a mean tone instead." It didn't really affect me that badly at the time. I kept doing what I was doing.

Midnight came, and I went to her room to say happy birthday. She was still mad, pretending like I was not there, and walked away from me.

That hurt me so bad. Even though I know she might have BPD and shouldn't make this personal, I just couldn't help the thought that there's something wrong with me. I felt hopeless and helpless. I stayed mostly in my room and I really hate to admit it, I'm really scared of going out of my room and bumping into her.

I am ashamed of this. I am a grown adult but I feel so helpless. I'm not as strong as when this happened the last time. My personal life is not in a good shape too. I feel like I don't have any support system, got really triggered when messages I sent were only read not replied to. Tried to find a safe space in a mental health chat room, got trolled instead. It's really hard to convince myself that there's nothing wrong with me in this situation, to be honest.

But weirdly, I'm still trying. Looked up for support group for BPD caretakers and was so happy to find this forum.

Thank you for listening ❤️

[Goldcrest]

I'm so sorry you are going through this and you certainly don't deserve it, none of us do. Your feelings are valid and yes it really hurts. I  can relate to the pain you experience when your mother cuts you out through silent treatment, it would have been annihilating when you were a small child because you are dependant on her for everything.

I'm not good at giving advice only virtual hugs I struggle to advise because I know I wouldn't be able to take my own advice if you see what I mean! Reading your post my instinct is to ask you if you can find a safe space to go to when you are being treated badly? And with your therapist hopefully you can start working towards removing yourself from being so close to your mother both emotionally and physically.

I wish you well and there will be some very sound advice coming from others here because people here have your back.

[StrawberryCat]

Thank you so much Goldcrest  Really really really appreciate your response 

Right now I don't really have any support system. My mother is really afraid to have her stories revealed, so I don't really talk about this to anyone. There's this friend that I started talking to this year, but she also has her own challenges and she started to be distant when she found out that she and I weren't on the same page on a certain topic, similar to what my mother would act. I am aware that this is a pattern for me because this year I also removed myself from a 10-year friendship since this former friend was sort of behaving like my mother. Working on this pattern and hopefully can overcome it soon.

[Goldcrest]

Keep working with your therapist, that is your beacon through the dark. Be really kind to yourself too because it is very hard to keep a stable sense of self when you are so pulled about by a BPD parent. You will find you will make steps forward (in progress) then fall back many more but this is part of the process. Each time you have a bad experience you will see patterns emerging and as you have noticed patterns of behaviour in yourself - the friends you are attracted to.

I really wish you well and keep praising yourself for the small things too. Coming here and just reading other peoples posts have helped me enormously by reminding me that I am not alone in my struggle. Take care. 

[Woolspinner2000]

Welcome StrawberryCat! 

I want to join Goldcrest in saying hi! So glad to have you join us, and Happy Birthday 2 days early! 
We are a great community here, lots of members that can truly understand the unique experiences you have gone through and are going through. This board is particularly for those of us who have a parent or family member with BPD, whether or not they have been officially diagnosed.

My mom was an uBPD (undiagnosed BPD). She passed away in 2012, but I still struggle when someone is quiet, especially if that person is close to me. I begin to question myself and wonder 'what did I do wrong?' I have the skills now to combat that thought pattern by confronting it with truths, such as I will say to myself, "You've known this person for a long time now, Wools. That isn't who they are. They have never punished you with the silent treatment like your uBPDm did. They are not your mom." I often have to remind myself more than once, but the facts help me to learn a new way and to quiet the voices from my childhood, and the facts also help me to keep building that trust in other people that I care about that love me and care about me. I struggle less than I did, but reacting to 'the silent treatment' may always be a part of my life.

When I have those moments like you described,

I stayed mostly in my room and I really hate to admit it, I'm really scared of going out of my room and bumping into her.
I am ashamed of this. I am a grown adult but I feel so helpless

I now realize that I truly am feeling like a child again. You and I  learned those behaviors growing up in a house with a pwBPD. The way you're responding is very normal for those of us who grew up as we did, trying our best to survive and please our parent. The best way to encourage you is to tell you to reach out and comfort your little child that feels as if she cannot find anyone to comfort her. You can do that now and reassure her she is so loved by you and cared for. Let her know that you will protect her, your little StrawberryKitty. Give her the hugs she so desperately needs.

Stay in touch and keep posting!
 
Wools

[Riv3rW0lf]

Hi !

I also wanted to check in and say welcome. I am so very sorry you are in this position right now and I get it. I came back from living with my mother for three weeks and, sharing a house with her... I completely lost my sense of self and went back to being a scared 8 years old, unable to identify what I did wrong/good, was it my fault somehow? I stopped eating, I would hide to cry and once it scared me how I could just shut it down and be numb when I had no choice but to sit at the table with her... I was scared of challenging her on things that concerned my very own children. I did, most times, at costs I felt I just couldn't pay anymore. Thankfully, I was able to get out and went back home, and it saved my sanity.

All this to say: please, please, don't judge yourself for feeling this way. I felt it too, I was almost ashamed of myself, I felt weak. And then it hit me... Like Wools say, it's little me that was scared. Little Riverwolf who somehow was still searching for the love she never got from her own mother. Give yourself only love, because you deserve it. No shame, because this is not weakness. The fact that you are here, the fact that you seek help and validation, it actually takes strength and courage. Treat yourself how you would treat your best friend, the person you love the most. I think it is amazing that you were able to see the dynamic from within, without any physical distance.

Also, I am sorry for your loss.

Hang in there, sending you lots of hugs.

[StrawberryCat]

Thank you again Goldcrest and thank you so muuuuch for the warm welcome and soothing words Wools and Riv3rW0lf. I'm very grateful that I have the safe space for me to share here :')

A bit of update from me, I finally got out of the dark cloud yesterday when I went out for work stuff and was reminded of the things that make me happy. That reminder and your support here filled my heart with gratitude. It is really amazing how powerful gratitude can be, anchoring oneself to love to navigate through the stormy weather. It's my birthday now and I no longer feel blue! Even when my mother didn't say a thing when I gave her a slice of pizza this morning    

Sending you all big big hug from here   ^^

[StrawberryCat]

For anyone reading this thread and currently experiencing this excruciating treatment, I am terribly sorry that you're going through it. If you feel like sharing with us, feel free to do so.

Sending love your way  

[Riv3rW0lf]

Hi Strawberrycat !

I was just thinking about your post. I hope you are well ! 

[Turkish]

Hi SteawberryCat,



No trolls here, we're safe people 

She got really mad and started to blame herself out loud, "Yeah, I know I am a bad person. Somebody was trying to do something nice but I asked them in a mean tone instead."

That's a remarkable admission out loud. It's what people with BPD feel about themselves inside.

A recovered pwBPD once explained it something like this, "my feelings don't matter and are worthless; therefore, I don't matter and are worthless and unworthy of love."

Being split into the golden child/scapegoat dynamics are damaging in different ways. ST is emotionally abusive, like canceling you as a person. It's a dysfunctional coping mechanism used to assert control.

[StrawberryCat]

Hi Riv3rW0lf

Thank you for checking in on me! I've been doing well since my last post here. Being listened to and supported by you guys really helped me get through the dark cloud :') Thank you so much once again 

[StrawberryCat]

Hello Turkish! 

Thank you so much for the warm welcome. Yes, it really does feel like a safe space here. I am so grateful to stumble upon this forum 

And thank you for acknowledging my feelings and experience. My mother finally started talking to me again a couple of days after the new year. I could sense she actually felt really guilty before that but didn't know how to start talking to me again.

She did have another episode a couple of days ago, but she could sort of control herself. She just woke up and got emotional and asked me about something angrily. At first I also reacted in quite an emotional tone, but then I reminded myself to not let my anger control my voice. I immediately calmed myself down and replied to her in a cool manner. She still got a bit angry but I kept my cool. I noticed there's still this fear of being mad at and I acknowledged and validated it. But I tried not to let that fear to take over me and I went through my day doing what I was supposed to do. I'm happy that I managed to do that   

My mother also managed to control herself too in a way, though. When she realized she was angry for no reason at me, she stopped the conversation and walked away. I tried to avoid her after that. I thought I was being a coward, but last night when I was reading "Stop Walking on Eggshells", I stumbled upon the three Cs and three Gs. It talked about getting out of the way and getting on with your own life. And I realized that I was doing them by avoiding my mother that day! I wasn't being a coward at all.

[Goldcrest]

Well done StrawberryCat sounds like you are making progress in managing your response to your mum. I'm pleased for you 

[eaglestar]

I can totally commiserate with regard to the silent treatment. My mother does this all the time. She explodes over something and then spends days not talking to whomever offended her. If forced to talk, she says one or two words only and in a tone that makes her sound like a wounded puppy.  She will usually just snap out of it after some time. When I was living with her, this was excruciating, as you put it. It affected me so much that now, when my wife is quiet for any reason, I immediately ask "did I do something wrong?" It drives her crazy.
Lately, for the past several months, I've been distancing myself from her to the point of only calling once a week, or less. And if she's in a mood (as she was recently, for the completely silly reason of getting offended over a family history research email my father sent), I don't respond to her texts or answer if she calls. I give her about a week and then check with my father as to whether she's in a good mood before reaching out to her again. It's mentally and emotionally exhausting to deal with her. You talked about getting out of the way and getting on with your own life -- recently, I have started to find a sense of peace by doing just that.

[StrawberryCat]

Thank you so much Goldcrest  

Hi eaglestar   It's such a terrible feeling, isn't it? : ( Recognizing someone is mad at you and then wouldn't talk to you as if you don't exist. Really sad to see how this greatly affected us in our relationship with others. I hope that one day we would be truly liberated from the guilt that's not ours.

It's amazing how you handle your situation with your mother. I'm sure it's not easy to do it but you really thought it through and nailed it. Thank you for sharing and for the reminder to set a healthy boundary and prioritize ourselves ^^