I know my sister has BPD but she will never be diagnosed.

[Depression = 72% of members]

My sister is 47 and has "terrorized" our family for most of it. She has gotten worse as her life has not gone her way (divorce, numerous jobs, failed relationships). She always focused most of her angst on my mom or her husband. He left, my mom got Alzheimer's (20 years of it), so she focused it on me. She can't focus it on my dad because he pays the bills. For the past 10-15 years, I have dealt with her rages and no apology reconciliations but after she turned my mother's funeral week this summer into a complete psychotic farce, I chose to not speak to her. We text about my dad (he has Parkinson's) and she still sends the occasional "PLEASE READty" one but . . . I am having a hard time with the boundaries. Is this normal? Sometimes, I feel like I am losing my mind. I have gotten so used to the constant drama and arguments, I am afraid I may be like her. Anyone else feel like this?

[K4mom]

My sister is 47 and has "terrorized" our family for most of it. She has gotten worse as her life has not gone her way (divorce, numerous jobs, failed relationships). She always focused most of her angst on my mom or her husband. He left, my mom got Alzheimer's (20 years of it), so she focused it on me. She can't focus it on my dad because he pays the bills. For the past 10-15 years, I have dealt with her rages and no apology reconciliations but after she turned my mother's funeral week this summer into a complete psychotic farce, I chose to not speak to her. We text about my dad (he has Parkinson's) and she still sends the occasional "PLEASE READty" one but . . . I am having a hard time with the boundaries. Is this normal? Sometimes, I feel like I am losing my mind. I have gotten so used to the constant drama and arguments, I am afraid I may be like her. Anyone else feel like this?

[missing NC]

My condolences on your mother's death and your sister's rages, K4mom. 

My experiences with a BPD sister and deaths of family member did indeed fall into the category of "psychotic farce" and beyond.  After my oldest sister (not the BPD/NPD one) died many years ago, my cluster B sister got triggered and sent my parents an I-hate-you letter and cut them off for six to eight months.  After my dad died, she split my mom and did not attend the funeral.  When my mom was diagnosed with terminal cancer (and dementia) my sister isolated, robbed and emotionally abused her for the last five months of her life. 

I did not have an understanding of "grey rock" until it was too late, but you may wish to Google the term.  For dealing with a less sociopathic pwBPD (than mine), the communication training classes offered by NEABPD or BPDGlobal may be of help.  There are now a few Zoom support groups for family members of pwBPD that vary in their format. 

I hope you have some outlets for the stress. Even a brisk walk can help calm your nervous system a bit. I feel for you.  My brother and I are not in contact with our sister, but I'm sure the forum participants who remain in contact with their disordered family members will have some wisdom to offer. 

[HappyChappy]

So sorry for your loss K4mom. I’m not surprised you’re feeling overwhelmed by your sisters antics , on top of all the other stuff you’re having to deal with. I’d suggest focusing on what you need right now. You don’t need bombarding right now. I expect most of us on here have felt we’re losing our mind and struggle with boundaries when our BPD is bombarding us – bombardment is designed to confuse.

Maybe focus on erecting healthy boundaries (for you). You don’t need to announce this, just back away slowly whilst reassuring your sister you’re still available, but you need space to grieve and will only check your phone once a day (or whatever works for you). She will push back and try and rattle you, stand your ground and try and keep calm. Explain with empathy , but don't back down. There are resources on here for setting boundaries (use the search function ?). Priorities yourself right now, you need time to grieve. Would a grief councillor help you or your sister ? Might take the heat off you.