New here - 18-year old daughter recently diagnosed with BPD

[Cousin Jenny]

Hi all. I am new to this site. I am struggling with my BPD daughter. She is graduating from high school in a few weeks. I feel heartbroken and emotionally drained. She started showing signs of the BPD fairly young. Her dad and I divorced when she was in the 4th grade. She started really having a tough time after the divorce. She was depressed, suicidal and generally difficult to be around. She has been on an anti-depressant for a long time. We started going to therapy when she was around 10 years old. It has been a roller coaster. I have felt a tremendous amount of shame for my feelings. I felt guilty for struggling so much with her & feeling resentful. I started to not even want to be around her. I couldn’t take her places because she would throw a tantrum if she didn’t get her way. She would sulk and cause drama. Life with her has been a constant stream of never ending drama, tears, threats of suicide, acting out, yelling/screaming, sulking, lies all the time, no empathy, makes hurtful comments, getting in trouble, stealing, sneaking around, drugs, alcohol, promiscuity, STD and pregnancy scare, she can’t keep friends or a job. She says doesn’t care about me or herself or anyone. She has very low empathy of anyone. She seems to even hate herself. She just wants to do whatever she wants. She acts horrible and begs me to kick her out. I thought she was just being a teenager and having a hard time with the divorce. I didn’t know until this year that her behavior was abusive. She had moments that were ok and even fun but I always knew around the corner was something awful. I thought I just had to put up with it, set boundaries and keep trying harder. I thought if I just loved her enough she would grow out of it. Her dad I shared custody, week on week off for years. Last March he remarried and his new wife was not having any of our daughters terrible behavior and she moved in with me full time. Our relationship deteriorated and our home felt like a prison. I had no breaks, no breathing room like I used to have. She fell apart after she left her dads house. She cried endlessly about feeling abandoned. I don’t even know the whole story about what happened and why. He and I have a very strained relationship. My therapist thinks he may be a narcissist. Once she moved in full time I started having health problems, started drinking a glass of wine every night just to get through the nights with her, and I was just drained all the time. I have been miserable. I switched counselors and started making headway with my own mental health. The counselor was also seeing my daughter and helped us set boundaries/house rules that she inevitably broke. My daughter seemed to get worse. I felt like a prison guard. She started acting out more, getting into more trouble, making terrible choices. If she doesn’t get her way or feels I am not 100% on her side or even disagree with her she flips out. I ended up having to take her to the ER due to threats of suicide again. Our counselor diagnosed her with BPD. The mental hospital put her on an anti-psychotic and a sleeping pill. She came home and did ok for a week or so and then was right back at it. She has a much older boyfriend she has been sneaking around with. It just got out of control the more I held to the rules and boundaries we set with the counselor. I really thought I was losing my mind. We ended up having a mega fight last weekend and she packed up her stuff to go back to her dads. I feel so ashamed for how bad our fights get. I yell too. I have to constantly just walk away. It’s so bad. She’s gone and won’t talk to me. She says she hates me, that I am toxic and to leave her alone. I can’t even talk to her anymore. She just screams and cusses and says the craziest things. She has villainized me completely. I do not understand how she can think this way. I have tried so hard, given her everything I could, loved her, listened to her, spent time with her, encouraged her, taken care of her physical and emotional health as best I could. I planned so many trips, and nights/weekends out doing fun things. I tried to make her life wonderful. She is now moving in with her boyfriend, who is a complete scum bag and a loser. She is not going to college - which is just heartbreaking. I have worked so hard with her on school work, ACT prep, college applications. She says I forced her into it all. She acts and thinks like a child.
Guys, I just feel gutted right now. I have tried so hard for years to be a great mom. I thought I was doing everything right. I don’t know if I will ever hear from her again. I have done everything I can. To be really honest, and this is awful, but I feel relived to have the house back, to have space from her, to feel normal again. I love her and want her to be well but not at my expense. Even though I do feel a little better, I worry about her and feel sick to my stomach. I’m working with my therapist and bought a few books to start to navigate this new path.
Another twist to this story is that my mother has BPD and I was diagnosed with complex PTSD and have been doing EMDR therapy for nearly two years to work through my own issues. It’s hard not to feel so guilty that my history and issues have contributed to my daughters current situation.
Thanks in advance for support, comments, anything anyone can do to help. I need to dig into the boards and start reading some of your posts.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Welcome to the Family Cousin Jenny. You have been on a long, painful journey of love with your daughter and I can hear the huge amount of effort you have put in trying to understand and support her.  And it is heartbreaking that she is unable to take the opportunities that are clearly there for her and her future with your support.

The one thing though that I think is important is to start working on letting go of the guilt. It is something that people here understand and have experienced.

In my personal journey, I think letting go and starting work on not feeling guilty was the starting point of finding myself again. It doesn't mean that I love DD any less, but I know I can't do it for her.

My DD has made some awful choices - driven by the nature of BPD I'm sure - and I have born the brunt of all the abuse, swearing and threats, dealing with drug addicted partners etc.

Your list is the same list I would put down for my BPD dd. And I so understand that feeling of relief at having the house to yourself even when it is just for a brief period. Space to breathe, space to try to unwind from the tension of not knowing when the next abusive outburst will come.

There is nothing more that you can do at this moment to help your DD. But I hope it can be a moment for you to let go of the guilt, focus on your needs and try to build into your life some supports for you. We can't know what the next crisis will be and when it will come - hopefully you will be able to build some protective layers around your self during this time.   

I'm glad you have come here. For me it is the place where I know that I am not alone in my experience - which is so helpful I find.                     

[RobertX]

Hi Cousin Jenny - sorry that you are going through all of this.  It is all terribly draining and it must feel that better days are a long way off.  We have a 19 year old son who has similarities with your daughter.  We are doing as much as we can to understand BPD in order to try and re-programme how we talk to him and work with him.  From time to time though when the resolve drops it just feels all so terribly sad that a young person appears to be deliberately disadvantaging themselves and also attacking their family - it just makes no sense.  I think you will find some good insight and good sources of advice here.  I suspect that they will say the same thing which is to look after yourself and let as much of the guilt go as possible.  I drink regularly (not to excess) but have recently decided to reduce the amount significantly not least as I am aware I react to things much better when I'm without alcohol, plus it makes the quality of sleep so much better.  Good luck with working this through.  Feels like a long haul, and it probably is - but at least you have found this site and you are not alone.

[Cousin Jenny]

Thank you Sancho and RobertX. I appreciate you taking the time to reply. The guilt is definitely top of my list to work through with my therapist. It’s comforting to read the words “you are not alone”. I am looking forward to taking better care of myself and using the time to sort of reset after years of hell. This site is already helping tremendously.