A BPD too old to care

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Now my BPD mum is in her 80's her selfishness and delusions are so obvious, she's lost the ability and will to try hard to disguise it. My sister and I have been challenging  her about it recently because it's blooming obvious and she just denies the undeniable. Seems little point, but how do you suck up obviously bad behaviour from someone seemingly too old to care or change ? She gets distressed if you don't go along with it, but it's bad for my mental health, any tips ? My sister and bro just avoid her - but muggings here lives close so...

[HappyChappy]

Now my BPD mum is in her 80's her selfishness and delusions are so obvious, she's lost the ability and will to try hard to disguise it. My sister and I have been challenging  her about it recently because it's blooming obvious and she just denies the undeniable. Seems little point, but how do you suck up obviously bad behaviour from someone seemingly too old to care or change ? She gets distressed if you don't go along with it, but it's bad for my mental health, any tips ? My sister and bro just avoid her - but muggings here lives close so...

[Please help]

On an airplane, they tell you to put mask on yourself before helping your child or person next to you.

  Same applies here. Approach this with putting your emotional needs first. This will dictate how you interact ( or write letters ).

[Woolspinner2000]

Hey HC! 

Is it possible to say, "Mum, we aren't going to do that (discuss that again/anymore)," and turn off the dialog and not go there? You will have to rinse and repeat a million and one times. I think you just have to maintain your boundaries and keep them up strong and firm. She will never respect them so you have to keep them in place.

What do exit strategies look like for you to leave, get off the phone, end any conversation?

I'm your cheerleader! 
Woolsy

[pursuingJoy]

Happy Chappy, what do her delusions and distress look like? How does she behave?

Love the analogy of the oxygen mask, and I'm with Wools, totally cheering you on. Many of us are also dealing with an aging BPD parent. We're in this together.

[zachira]

My mother with BPD is deceased. When she was elderly and sick and could no longer hide her terrible behaviors behind a charming mask, I could no longer take it. I set some really strict boundaries with her like not telling her anything about my life, hanging up when her phone calls became unbearable, walking out of the room when she started raging, etc., It really hurt my heart to do this, and there just wasn't any point anymore in enabling her emotional dysregulations which she projected onto others. It can help to remember that healthy boundaries are healthy boundaries for everyone.

[Methuen]

how do you suck up obviously bad behaviour from someone seemingly too old to care or change ? She gets distressed if you don't go along with it, but it's bad for my mental health, any tips ?

Define for yourself what your own boundaries are.  A few boundaries I have include: 1) don't do for her what she can do for herself (the waif's goal is to get everyone to do everything for her which gives her lots of attention) (2) don't share personal info (3) not engaging when she is trying to pull me in (4) leaving the scene if she becomes abusive...

Have you decided what your boundaries are?  Once you have that figured out, the next thing is to stick to them.

Some people when they are potty training toddlers, will offer a reward at first with each successful attempt (eg 1 smartie for a pottie deposit).  However, after a while, the behavior becomes more habitual (consistent use of the potty), if the reward actually changes to being intermittant - so maybe 1 smartie for every 2nd or 3rd or 4th deposit. Intermittant reward is incredibly powerful for maintaining a behavior.

This is exactly why we MUST keep our own boundaries with our pwBPD.  Let's say that when my mom asks me to do something that she can do herself, and the first 20 times I remind her that this is something she can do herself (I hold my boundary).  Then on the 21st time, I am overtired, or forgetful, or I weaken my resolve, and I do it for her.  By breaking my own boundary, I have just reinforced the exact behavior I have been trying so hard to change by previously holding my boundary.  Guaranteed that after I do it for her the 21st time, her behavior will escalate, and she will try to get me doing everything for her again, because her strategy worked (to get me to do it for her).  When I hold my boundary for the 22nd time, she is going to push back hard, and I am going to pay the price.

Once we set a boundary for ourself, we have to hold it consistently, every time.

My mom is 85, miserable, negative, with zero social skills or gratitude, and as ego-centric as your average toddler/preschooler.  She is "high maintenance" to the n^th power.  Her world only revolves around her, and no one else.  She is either mean, or crying and waify.  I am an only child and she lives in my town.  There is no other family.  Without boundaries, I would probably be the one in the psych unit.

If you accept "bad behavior" (whatever that looks like with your person), you are going to keep seeing that bad behavior, and it will probably increase in intensity and frequency as her health continues to deteriorate.

When my mom goes into a rage, I first try to settle her with SET.  If that doesn't work, and she goes into attack and abuse mode, I swiftly exit, and give her plenty of time to self-soothe.  When they are this old (as it sounds your pwBPD is), they can't live independently without us.  So I give my mom a few days (or as long as it takes) with NC (so they get the message they can't abuse carte blanche), and then I carefully manage my interactions with her for a LONG time.  She treats me a lot better, when there is uncertainty for her in our relationship (eg. I don't respond to bad texts).

Just my thoughts.

Holding these boundaries with a parent is the hardest thing I have ever had to do.  But my mom has the emotional intelligence of a child, and she can be very abusive.  I must have boundaries to preserve myself, my marriage, and still have a life. Or she would consume me and swallow me whole, and still be yelling at me telling me I am abusing her.

[Notwendy]

My BPD mother has similar emotional skills as Methuen's.

I think it's hard to know what is "old age" and what is their BPD- but regardless, one doesn't have to tolerate abusive behavior.

I think one factor is the original relationship. If one has a loving relationship with a parent and then in their elder years, there's a personality change, the connection is still there. It may be easier emotionally to rationalize "this isn't who Mom is" when there is a loving foundation. It may not feel personally hurtful.

However, with my mother, her behavior is like it always has been- emotionally and verbally abusive and she's accustomed to her family accommodating her as this has been our family pattern. As Methuen says- to maintain a connection with her, yet not tolerate abuse, is a difficult task.

With my father, there was a loving foundation- but a confusing one because I was expected to comply with my mother and tolerate how she treats me. When I began to have boundaries with her, I faced his disapproval. In his elder years, he seemed to become more short-tempered- he was also not feeling well- and I understand this impacted how he expressed his disapproval. People have mentioned to me "Dad didn't mean what he was saying" because he wasn't feeling well. But I don't really know where the line between what he chose and what was due to being older.

Either way, verbal abuse isn't something we need to tolerate or reinforce. I think we can work on not taking it personally. In the grand scheme of things, BPD mother's behavior is worse, but even some from my father was also difficult to deal with. Ultimately I think you have to decide on your own tolerance and how it affects you emotionally.