Change.

[Imatter33]

I am facing a few truths that consistently trip me up.
The truths being: I have had an identity problem.I often use/d external relationships to be the thing that brings me joy/fulfillment.

…. I am so and sos friend
….I am married to…
….. I am a mother too…
…..person A, B and C like my company
…. I bring joy to ….

It’s just a perpetual pattern of looking to other people for acceptance.

I struggle with rage. My anger has been a mixture of yelling and absolutely incoherent sobbing for as long as I can remember.

I wish I could live off of spoken validation, as my only diet. I crave spoken or written affirmation to an obsessive level.

To this day my boundaries and my ability to make new ones is “shotty at best.”

I wonder if my borderline tendencies can vanish with enough time spent not recovering from childhood, but accepting it happened. And moving on.
I’m almost to 3 years NC. And the only borderline person I’m ever close to being around these days…. is the one that lives in my head rent free.

It’s nerve wracking that once you walk away from the BPD that raised you…all that is left is Yourself.

I don’t feel a pity in this post. On the contrary I hope that by writing it out I can acknowledge what I don’t like about my behavior and cultivate change.

Without getting too personal….

I am on my way! I really am going to be different.

“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new.”
‭‭II Corinthians‬ ‭5:17‬ ‭NKJV‬‬


Thanks for reading.

[Methuen]

Hi there imatter!

Good to hear from you again.  It's been a little while!

I think acknowledging our flaws is a huge step in moving forward with recovery.  We can't ever work on moving forward or solutions, if we don't acknowledge or define the issue we want to work on.  That's sort of where our BPD mom's got "stuck" - denial.  We on the other hand, are thinking, reflecting, doing the "work", trying to "grow" as people...

I for one think it's good to acknowledge our flaws.  Then we can take baby steps to working on them one by one (keeping in mind Rome wasn't built in a day and we need to be patient as we work on ourselves, and also notice and acknowledge our progress as it happens).

But hey, I don't think it's great to get all tangled up in our flaws without also acknowledging our strengths, or we can start to kind of beat ourselves up - especially with the BPD stuff.

So, how are you at also recognizing all your strengths?   

When I read your post, what I saw was some traits that I think all of us would recognize in ourselves and our loved ones - on a spectrum.  But they're just the negative stuff.  Of course that's what we are here to work on...

I just want to check in that you are somehow balancing those negative acknowledgements, with positive ones about yourself!  Recognize the good stuff too!   Make a list!  Recognizing and "seeing" all the good things on that list can be encouraging, and remind us that you are NOT our moms.  You are special, you are valued, and you matter.  Nurture your self-love first.  Self-care is one way I do this.

Looking at your "list" in your post, I can't help but think that more "self love" could possibly be a great antidote to some of those things on your list.  Are there things you enjoy or are good at that are different from your friends or family?  What makes you uniquely you?  Also, what things do you like about yourself? (rather than what things do you like about your friends?)
Not sure if this makes sense, or if I am waaayyyyyy off base here?

Thoughts?

[lm1109]

Hi imatter! I really relate to a lot of your post. I woke up to the fact that my identity was solely wrapped up in being a good Mom and Wife, and my worth was wrapped up in caretaking everyone else. I was a people pleaser to the detriment of myself and I was also seeking validation from others and all things external. I dont know your story...but I do know...that growing up with a disordered parent kind of sets you up for this. My first 17 years were all about keeping the Queen in the home happy and calm. As a defense mechanism I got amazing at predicting my moms moods/needs and acting accordingly. I was never TAUGHT that I mattered at all. So not only is it NOT surprising that I grew up to struggle with these issues as an adult, it's almost to be expected! If I'm being honest I see a whole lot of people in our society seeking external validation: Like needing comments on posts/pics on Instagram, Like Buttons on social media, work titles, thinking we all need to be a consumer and have the best of everything to seem "successful", etc. We really have been conditioned from the time we were children to believe that we NEED external things and external validation and when we're not getting it...we are meant to feel empty...How could we be happy without a happy meal, or the newest version of a phone or the name brand clothes or all of the likes? This isn't meant to be judgey or ranty...just hoping that you will see that you are definitely NOT alone in feeling like you are obsessed with validation... I think we all are on some level. I actually think that those of us who have been "broken" enough to wake up and see and admit these things about ourselves are the lucky ones! As you said acknowledging cultivates change and acknowledging is half the battle! Although...when I acknowledged these things about myself...I sort of felt like I was having an identity crises. Not fun! But the more I identify when I'm seeking approval, and identify my walls, my people pleasing, and needing external people and things to feel whole...the closer I come to my authentic self!

"It's nerve wracking that once you walk away from the BPD that raised you…all that is left is Yourself."

Very true! I also identified this. Even when I knew enough to get away from my mom's abuse...I always took myself with me...and I always took her place within myself. I was programmed to believe that I deserved abuse and so when I wasn't experiencing it externally, I internally abused myself. It just has taken me a while(still in the process) of untangling the lies I was told and believed for so long. But I realized if my parents reality about everything is so obviously distorted, then of course their reality of me is distorted. They don't even know me, the abusive things I was told were literally just projections of themselves.

I LOVE Methuen's idea about writing down a list of all of your strengths and positive attributes. I'm going to do this as well. I think maybe the more we explore those...the easier it will get to identify the lies we've been told/believer or the lies we now tell ourselves? I second that self love and compassion is key. If everyone was authentic I think we would feel less alone, we are all broken in some ways, we are all struggling in some areas, because we are human. But you're right...you are on your way. I think everyone who's willing to sit in the discomfort of true self reflection is on their way! I found a lot of comfort in the words of ‭‭
II Corinthians‬ ‭5:17 as well. I do believe wholeheartedly that we can be made brand new.  I hope you can be self compassionate as you heal. Sending you lots of support!

[Riv3rW0lf]

When I started working, it was for a small firm, I often joked about how we were a bit of a dysfunctional family. My boss had put his heart and soul into his business, and he really acted as some kind of father figure for us (the one that were just starting out).  He could be bossy and a bit of a bully, he wasn't perfect but he was enough...

Once I missed something in a report I had written, and I had to redo part of the work. I went into his office, took responsibility for the whole thing. I was panicked. And he just looked at me and he said : "it's fine. It will be all right, I will take care of the client and you solve this. It's ok, really... I notice you often talk badly about yourself, you use an awful lot of stick on you.. I really think you should turn it around. Everyday, instead of focusing on what you did wrong, don't like and must improve, look at what you did well, what you liked about you today. With time, you will find you are enough."

And I was so broken at that time in my life that I told him I needed to be highly critical to get things done...that's just who I was... And he looked at me with a bit of sadness. Today, I understand what he meant.

We were given no chance and we became our worst critic overtime. Somehow, we made it our identity. In your post, you said  you wanted to see what "you don't like about your behavior" so that you can change it.. I was the same, for a very long time, still am moments through the day. But what I see now is that you could also have written: I  want to focus on what I like in my behavior, to find ways to be that person more often...

You are worthy of love, you are worthy of compassion. Don't let yourself be your worst ennemy and treat yourself as a dear friend, and your BPD tendancies (which I exhibit also during emotional flashbacks) will decrease.  

Show yourself only love and kindness.

[Imatter33]

I like how each one of you who responded wanted me to change my "negative voice" to a positive one.

I will work on that for sure.

I think my voice was negative at the time, bc unfortunately I was comparing myself to the disordered behavior of BPD.

I do not see one thing positive about the disorder. So it colors my reflection to the negative side.

However,
But what I see now is that you could also have written: I  want to focus on what I like in my behavior, to find ways to be that person more often...


This is GOLD. Thank you.  I will find ways to be (me) that person much more often.

Be blessed all.