Not sure where to start...

[Daisyjane]

Hi, I'm brand new and not sure where to start. Nervous to post on a forum but not sure where to get any help & support. I live in a small town & there is noone to confide in. I have read some really helpful articles on this site since finding it today but it would be nice to get some help from real people who understand. I would never betray my friend by discussing her diagnosis or our friendship/ relationship with anyone I know locally ... including medical professionals or counsellors so I feel like there's nowhere to turn.

My best friend who has been diagnosed with BPD after a suicide attempt last year has been living interstate for 6 months. We generally chat via message numerous times a day depending on how busy either of us are. She rings a couple of times a week usually. Suddenly, after an unprovoked angry toned message she has virtually cut me off and has been responding to messages with one word answers if at all. I have informed myself extensively about BPD , but being a sensitive person I'm finding it really hard ... just not coping, & feel that my own mental health is really suffering.

I just want my friend to be safe & well & happy in her new life. I try to be caring & available ... without being pushy. I'm careful never to judge or push or criticize ... just offer loving acceptance and support. She is recovering from being treated badly in a couple of messy previous relationships that ended harshly ... I've always listened and offered gentle advice when she wants it. I know that she lies sometimes but I just ignore it and let it wash over me.

I'm a really private person, & am myself in the process of separating after many sad and lonely years in a de-facto relationship. I've confided so much in my friend. When we connected and started talking I finally felt that there was someone I could 'be my genuine self' around and be honest with. I guess I've put a lot of emotional energy into the friendship, made myself vulnerable after years of building 'armour' & suddenly I feel really empty and lost.

I don't want to make her feel like I've abandoned her so I still try to send the occasional message, just to let her know I still care & am around if she wants to chat or vent or share a laugh, same as ever ... but then I feel dumb and silly when I'm ignored or get a short or mean reply. I guess I just feel really sad and still worry a lot about her as she doesn't really have any close support system where she has moved to. She still gets 'down' a lot.

Sorry that's so long. I probably won't have time to be super active on here but had to talk to someone & its nice to find a welcoming place.
If anyone can recommend any more articles that are helpful that would be great too.

Thanks for listening,
Daisyjane 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[PearlsBefore]

"I don't want to make her feel like I've abandoned her so I still try to send the occasional message, just to let her know I still care & am around if she wants to chat or vent or share a laugh, same as ever ... but then I feel dumb and silly when I'm ignored or get a short or mean reply. I guess I just feel really sad and still worry a lot about her as she doesn't really have any close support system where she has moved to."

Ironically the problem in THIS sentence isn't her - it's you. There's no need to feel "dumb and silly" because your mentally ill friend lashes out at you or is otherwise ungrateful for your charitable message. The purpose of the charity was to help them, and even if they bite the hand that feeds - you're still helping them, right? So it's nothing about which to feel dumb or silly. Just stop expecting/hoping for gratitude from someone who is likely pathologically unable to show/feel it - but that doesn't mean you have to stop reaching out knowing that your human connection is still valuable to them even as they snarl and bark at you.

Taking care of a BPD will pretty much always look like this - the trick is simply to let it stop bothering you. Don't let their mental illness drag YOU down.

[Daisyjane]

Thanks, yes , very true ... but that's the part I'm really struggling with, It looks like there are lots of lessons and advice on here. grateful to have found it.

[Skip]

This is a "must have" book for the situation you are in. Many of the tools provided here are, in part, from this work. And this is a set of articles here that are helpful: https://bpdfamily.com/portfolio-4-cols

Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder Author: Shari Y. Manning, PhD Publisher: The Guilford Press; 1 edition (August 15, 2011) Paperback: 253 pages ISBN-10: 1593856075 ISBN-13: 978-1593856076

[Skip]

Suddenly, after an unprovoked angry toned message she has virtually cut me off and has been responding to messages with one word answers if at all. I have informed myself extensively about BPD , but being a sensitive person I'm finding it really hard ... just not coping, & feel that my own mental health is really suffering.

Sometimes when people with BPD traits feel bad, they try to shift some of those bad feelings on others - essentially making you feel bad makes them feel a little better. Its a dysfunctional way of coping, but not uncommon. In a sense, you having it together is upsets her because she doesn't have it together, so she levels the playing field.

My ex blew up a milestone birthday party and confessed later because it wasn't fair that I should be so happy. I really didn't get that at the time, but do now. At the time, I was devastated ,just as you are.

The best thing is to see it for what it is and give her space. Don't retaliate or be coy, just work with what she gives you and let her take the lead.

You: Wow its a beautiful day! I'm taking my dog to the park and then going to lunch. Want to join us? What are you up to?
Her: Nothing.
You: Are you OK?
Her (two hours later): Yep.

How should you respond to this type of thing?

Try to "read the room" and experiment to see what works and what doesn't work. One response might be, are you sure? (open ended). Another might be "OK" (close ended). If the first doesn't work, try the second next time.

Next time you contact her you might want to use open probes to see if she engages. What are you up to? If she talks, great. If she gives you a one word answer, give her a similar neutral response.

You: What are you up to?
Her: Nothing
You: Me too.

You: What are you up to?
Her: Well, blah, blah blah
You: Me too. Why do you think...

[Daisyjane]

Thank you for the thoughtful insights & book recommendation. I'm certainly finding that the more I read & hear of other people's experiences, the greater my understanding of BPD & why my friend acts the way she does, becomes. It gives me much more patience & empathy & I am now taking things less personally when she is pushing away.