Following my daughter down the rabbit hole

[Parents! Get help here!]

I'm so thankful I found this site. I just read a few posts from today and was completely shocked by how closely the posts sound like my life. My daughter will be 23 next week. She was diagnosed with BPD almost 2 years ago, but the signs & symptoms (now that I know what they are) were there years before. She also suffers from PMDD, so every month things get worse, and she self medicates / abuses weed.

When she is feeling good and doing well, so am I. When she goes down the rabbit hole, I'm right behind her. Logically and rationally I know this shouldn't happen, and yet every time she spirals, I sink into a depression. In part, because I'm so incapable of helping her. I feel guilty, I feel resentful, then guilty for being resentful. When she spirals she gets extremely angry, hateful, mean, cruel, and abusive. She's been physically abusive with me, damaged my car and my home. She struggles to maintain friendships - she currently only has 2 friends that she spends any time with, and they are both hanging on by a thread.

I am mentally, emotionally, physically, and super financially exhausted by her. Today, after moving into a new apt 2 days ago that is in my name, she announced that her life is crap and she's not going back to work or school (I pay the tuition). I feel completely helpless. I'm 52 and I have nothing saved for retirement. Without a miracle, I will literally have to work until the day I die. I don't know how to save my daughter and I don't know how to save myself. I have a son (28) who tries as much as possible to avoid the whole situation. He too, struggles a bit with depression and nothing I do helps him either. I feel very much like a failure as a mother.

I apologize - I know I'm all over the place here.  Last year I changed to a therapist who specialized in personality disorders. I felt like I needed someone who understands what Daughter is dealing with, in order to help me. One of the key things he told me is that I cannot help her with her mental illness, and that I'm doing both of us a disservice by trying to. I still struggle with that. I'm her mother, I'm supposed to be able to help. But when she spirals, I am the target of all of her anger and rage. The horrible, horrible things she says are beyond hurtful. I struggle not to believe and internalize what she says about me.  At this point, she has no relationship with anyone in the family and has had no relationship/ no contact with her bio father in YEARS. Everything to do with her falls 100% on me. I'm just tired.

Anyway, apologies again because I know this post was super disjointed. Thank you for letting me vent. Thank you for understanding (I hope).

[Jezz]

I'm so thankful I found this site. I just read a few posts from today and was completely shocked by how closely the posts sound like my life. My daughter will be 23 next week. She was diagnosed with BPD almost 2 years ago, but the signs & symptoms (now that I know what they are) were there years before. She also suffers from PMDD, so every month things get worse, and she self medicates / abuses weed.

When she is feeling good and doing well, so am I. When she goes down the rabbit hole, I'm right behind her. Logically and rationally I know this shouldn't happen, and yet every time she spirals, I sink into a depression. In part, because I'm so incapable of helping her. I feel guilty, I feel resentful, then guilty for being resentful. When she spirals she gets extremely angry, hateful, mean, cruel, and abusive. She's been physically abusive with me, damaged my car and my home. She struggles to maintain friendships - she currently only has 2 friends that she spends any time with, and they are both hanging on by a thread.

I am mentally, emotionally, physically, and super financially exhausted by her. Today, after moving into a new apt 2 days ago that is in my name, she announced that her life is crap and she's not going back to work or school (I pay the tuition). I feel completely helpless. I'm 52 and I have nothing saved for retirement. Without a miracle, I will literally have to work until the day I die. I don't know how to save my daughter and I don't know how to save myself. I have a son (28) who tries as much as possible to avoid the whole situation. He too, struggles a bit with depression and nothing I do helps him either. I feel very much like a failure as a mother.

I apologize - I know I'm all over the place here.  Last year I changed to a therapist who specialized in personality disorders. I felt like I needed someone who understands what Daughter is dealing with, in order to help me. One of the key things he told me is that I cannot help her with her mental illness, and that I'm doing both of us a disservice by trying to. I still struggle with that. I'm her mother, I'm supposed to be able to help. But when she spirals, I am the target of all of her anger and rage. The horrible, horrible things she says are beyond hurtful. I struggle not to believe and internalize what she says about me.  At this point, she has no relationship with anyone in the family and has had no relationship/ no contact with her bio father in YEARS. Everything to do with her falls 100% on me. I'm just tired.

Anyway, apologies again because I know this post was super disjointed. Thank you for letting me vent. Thank you for understanding (I hope).

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Oh Jezz you don't need to apologise. Every person who is willing to tell their story here, gives us all a gift. We nod our heads as we read the posts and deep down we start to feel a little better because we know there is someone out there going through the same thing as we are going through.

The exhaustion is beyond anything - driven not only by the abuse in all forms but also the lack of being able to relax - when is the next episode of chaos going to happen - today, tomorrow.

Now after everything you just get told Nope I'm not going to do  . . . . .

You must be devastated.

Then of course there is the broken heart that we carry around, sad for what is happening to someone we love.

In my most chaotic times, I would just say to myself 'I am having the next hour free of thinking about DD - I will think about it at 4pm'. It was a good help to allow myself very small blocks of time that would not be taken over by BPD.

I hope you can find a small space just for you, for you deserve some nurturing.

[PearlsBefore]

Ultimately sure, you may or not be "to blame" for this - it's the awkward truth all parents-of-BPD dance around. Feel-good therapists will say of course not, clinical psychiatrists will say of course yes - ultimately it doesn't matter. The thing that made her this way was set in her brain 15-20 years ago and without a time machine, there's essentially no way to get rid of it - so it is what it is.

That said, most pwBPDs (80% range) dramatically cool down once their teens and 20s are over, only about 20% get worse or equally bad with time...so in part, you've got a waiting game ahead of you. Chances are, if you can get her through this phase without killing herself or doing irreversible damage through substance abuse, she'll be less frenzied and chaotic in the future. Unfortunately, that's not six months from now.

I'll simply quote the advice of the Pennsylvania BPD council and say that physical harm to you or others should never be tolerated - not just because you don't deserve it, but because getting away with it makes the BPD worse, not better in the long run. Stay calm yourself, don't be emotionally involved, but implement strict consequences for that kind of nonsense where she crosses the line into hurting you or others.

And don't rely on police or paramedics to have any idea wtf BPD is - some will, but many will just assume it's like bipolar or schizophrenia and not appreciate the difference. The genuine emotion that will be in your daughter's voice as she claims that you tried to murder her will be convincing to them - because it's a unique quality of BPDs, to have genuine emotion behind intentional falsehoods. She'll be offended you called the police and believe you DESERVE to die and be sent to jail and be raped and have asteroids crush you - so it'll be genuine emotion when she talks of the "betrayal" of how you tried to murder her and are now "gaslighting" her by pretending she's crazy when the cops show up, etc. Be careful.

[Trying2Survive]

When she is feeling good and doing well, so am I. When she goes down the rabbit hole, I'm right behind her. Logically and rationally I know this shouldn't happen, and yet every time she spirals, I sink into a depression. In part, because I'm so incapable of helping her. I feel guilty, I feel resentful, then guilty for being resentful. When she spirals she gets extremely angry, hateful, mean, cruel, and abusive. She's been physically abusive with me, damaged my car and my home. She struggles to maintain friendships - she currently only has 2 friends that she spends any time with, and they are both hanging on by a thread.

I am mentally, emotionally, physically, and super financially exhausted by her.

I'm her mother, I'm supposed to be able to help. But when she spirals, I am the target of all of her anger and rage. The horrible, horrible things she says are beyond hurtful. I struggle not to believe and internalize what she says about me.  

I'm just tired.

These are the pieces of your post that I could have written myself.  Pls know you are not alone.  It can feel that way because you likely dont have any friends with kids with BPD - but there are many of us that know EXACTLY what this feels like.

<3

[beatricex]

hi Jezz,
Somewhere in this collection of videos, an expert describes how "if you took a child at birth, and set out to make them BPD, you could NOT do it."  So it's not your fault, you couldn't cause it.

https://www.borderlinepersonalitydisorder.org/video-series/

A lot of parents I know hang their hat on this, it actually keeps them going. 
 
b

[igloo]

Jezz,
My daughter is 23 also. She has struggled all her life. She has been hospitalized 3 times. She finished her 3rd semester in college in spring 2020 and made Deans list. Then the pandemic came. She has gotten worse, now cant even leave the house.

I just want you to know that you are not alone. I am experiencing the same feelings you are. I didn't want to share her story yet because I wanted to give you support. We all need that as this is the hardest thing I could ever imagined dealing with.

Igloo

[KBug]

I'm so sorry that you are going through all of this.  It's soul crushing.  My mantra (from the co-dependency people) is the 3 Cs: I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I can't cure it.  I know you love her but listen to your therapist. It's better for both of you for you to let go and set some firm boundaries.  It will not go well when you set the boundaries.  You will likely see a huge negative reaction.  Practice with your therapist how to set the boundaries and keep in close touch with the therapist to deal with the aftermath. Setting and maintaining good boundaries with expectations for how people should treat each other are important for her to learn how to have relationships with other people.  You setting boundaries with her will help her to learn how to have better relationships with others.
For me and my husband, this means that his daughter (my bonus daughter) is in and out of our lives. We'll set a boundary and then she will ghost us for 6-8 months.  Eventually she comes around again.  Often, she will respect the boundary because she knows that we are serious. Sometimes, she needs a reminder.  For example, she made some serious false accusations against us and then waged a smear campaign against us with family members.  She won't be allowed to come back into our house or be alone with either one of us until we meet with her and a therapist to work through what she did. She's in her early 20s, so we don't owe her a place to live. She won't be homeless. She can always live with her mother (also BPD) but they have a stormy relationship. At this point, I wouldn't let her live with us even if she didn't have another place to live. It's not safe for us emotionally or legally. It's been hard not to save her from her poor decisions, but she needs to understand that she is an adult who gets to make adult decisions and experience adult consequences. We love her. We will help her think about what she might do in a difficult situation. However, we won't rescue her from the natural consequences of her decisions and behaviors.

[RobertX]

Thank you for sharing.   I have a question if that's OK?  You mention 'when your daughter is OK you are OK'...for how long can she be OK before things become difficult again?  After two years of my son blocking me (who has BPD at age 20)  we met up twice over the weekend and both meetings were very positive.  He is planning for his future, talking about his friends, studying at Uni' and is open to us meeting up again.     BTW we used all of the JADE and validation advice we learned from this group.   But are we being naive to think things are improving?   Many thanks

[Really now]

We are mirror images. 49, recently broke and disabled, in the fight of anyone’s life with the world and have to walk the tightrope with an adult female child.

We get penthouses in heaven. I have no advice. Good to meet ya.

Do you like art? Art helps. Music. Dance. Writing. Nature.

I got a dog. She’s fantastic. She is very protective and I have a similar battle with her in that I need her to be calm to others. Emotion dysregulation is the new black.

[RedMom22]

Thanks to all of you for your posts to this thread as I can relate to things every one of you have posted.
To Jezz specifically, I 100% understand how you feel. I used to describe myself the same way, "when she has a good day, I have a good day" and then the opposite being true too. While I can't say I've completely broken myself of that, I'm getting better and alot of that is attributed to learning everything I can about BPD...including forums where you learn you are so far from being alone in this, you just didn't realize it.
Also, I read the following quote to myself every morning before I leave my bedroom: "When you can't control what's happening, challenge yourself to control the way you respond to what's happening. That's where your power is".
And to Really Now, I sure hope you're right about those penthouses in heaven!

[Jezz]

Thank you all so much for your responses, your encouragement, and most of all your understanding. I've had so many ups & downs since I first posted this. My daughter finally entered a PHP where she goes 25hrs per week. She decided she didn't want to talk to me, which was fine. Her BFF secretly keeps me posted on her progress, failures, etc. It seemed like daughter was doing well in the program, was enjoying it, and her BFF could see her using some of the tools she'd learned. So when daughter told me we would attempt family therapy, I was terrified & hopeful. Well, it was HORRIBLE and things are worse than ever between us. She is so hateful & hostile towards me. However, this time I didn't go down the rabbit hole behind her! So YAY for me!

I keep reading posts, looking for the "magic answer" about how to create & enforce boundaries. How much, if any, financial support is "acceptable"? Realistically I know there is no magic answer, but I keep looking all the same. I read books & articles all saying not to tolerate abuse in any way from the borderline, but then what's left? It's become so "normal" to me that when she raged out during family therapy, I was so completely unfazed. The therapist was a bit shocked as no one at the program had experienced that side of my daughter. Now of course, daughter blames ME for ruining "the only safe space" she has left (because now she's embarrassed they've seen that side of her). But also dropped off her laundry for me to do and called the next day when she ran out of gas. The whole "I hate you but I need you" thing is quite tiring.

Boundaries re the verbal abuse - continuing as we are isn't sustainable. How hardline of a position should I take?
Boundaries re financial support - continuing as we are also isn't sustainable long term (beyond a couple more months). Completely cutting her off feels so harsh. Has anyone found that happy medium where you're not spending every nickel, but also not not helping at all?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[PearlsBefore]

We get penthouses in heaven.

 

"Don't wed unfit girls / Lest to swing you throw pearls / Because love and kindness are still due."

[SHAR5]

Wow. This thread really hit home. Just found this site. I relate to so much in these posts. I am the Mom of a daughter in her late 20s who has been struggling with BPD (also anxiety, panic attacks, PTSD etc) for a long time. I too struggle with boundaries but have gotten a little better with the help of a therapist. It's so hard when you see the pain your child is in and then also are the person she rages against. So so exhausting and defeating.

The comment you made Jezz about your daughter blaming you for "ruining the only safe space" really resonated. My daughter has been through many therapists and each relationship ended "because of me" as they saw the emotional dysregulation once I was in the picture and my daughter would end the relationship once she was confronted about incidents.

My daughter has been very resistant to getting residential or outpatient help. Because she has alot of physical symptoms that make life hard to function, I am hoping at some point she will be willing. Does anyone have any suggestions or experiences with facilities that are like homes/apartments as opposed to hospital settings but still have very strong BPD or DBT programs? Programs for late twenties -past young adult but still needing that transitional help.  I wish so much I was more informed about BPD when she was younger... none of her therapists back then ever brought that diagnosis up..

sorry to ramble -thx for listening..

[guiltymom]

Hi everyone, just wanted to agree with the parents who said their mood is largely dictated by how their BPD child is currently doing. The whole waiting for the other show to drop is so stressful. I've been trying not to be so affected by my son's mental status; I've been talking to a therapist about viewing the ups and downs as if I were watching a movie. Another thing that helps is to think about my son as if he were the child of a friend, not my own child: I'm fond of my friends' children and feel bad for them if they're struggling, but I don't lose sleep over it or think about them constantly or let those thoughts take over my life. Easier said than done, but I think I'm doing better. Also wanted to respond to the person who asked about the happy medium of helping financially—I pay my son's (he's 24) rent, but he has a job and otherwise supports himself—so it's sort of a happy medium.

[Elizabeth55]

I can so relate!   And it is such a relief to say that.  I joined the group a couple of days ago because my daughter had an episode.  The things she says to me and implies that I am doing to her are the worst things I have ever been told in my life.  No one has ever said things as horrid as she has said to me, no one.  And it goes deep inside and tears me to pieces.  I've always had issues with loving myself and being confident, and her behavior towards me is destroying me.  This last episode a couple of days ago, I was seriously considering suicide or checking myself into a mental health facility.  Luckily, I have a friend who is familiar with BPD and she called me ASAP and talked me out of it.  But I just struggle knowing that I'm going to have to deal with this the rest of my life.

Being a mom is the most amazing thing I have ever done.  I love being a mom and am so proud of my amazing kids and what they bring to this world.  My 18 yo. is usually sweet, kind, caring and very empathetic.  Things were much worse 6 mos. ago, when she was having blow-ups every week or twice a week or more.  Lamotragine was a huge help to her and now were down to blow-ups once or twice a month.  But they are still horrific.

Just wanted to thank you for posting and let you know that you are not alone.  <3

[SheilaS]

Yep, I just found this forum and just posted my long story which sadly sounds like yours and everyone else's.  I think what I've been feeling lately, besides guilt and shame, is such a deep sorrow. I have been missing my daughter for so long, and each year she seems to get worse and move further away from me, no matter how I try to help her.  I'm so sorry to read everyone's story, I know so well the anguish and pain you feel. What I'm gathering, though is the importance of taking care of ourselves. Our kids know oh-so-well how to cause us serious pain, they find that little kernel of guilt and drive it straight into our hearts like a blade, turning it until we see "blood". I have been reading about BPD over the years and have also read that with time they may begin to live with it, to lose that edge they have that alienates them from the ones who so dearly love them and the world. I pray this happens to my daughter before she can do too much damage to herself. I like the quote that says we can't fix them and shouldn't try to.  I've been enabling my daughter for years. It's time to set some boundaries. I'm glad I found this group - my friends with their normal kids ache for me but they have no idea the kind of pain our BPD kids can cause us.  The hardest part for me is trying to not feel resentment towards their "perfect" adult kids who seem to be thriving on their own. Thank you for allowing me to share...

[alterK]

Jezz, I am coming over from another board, but I happen to have read your post. I don’t have a BPD child, thankfully, but I did have an alcoholic ex-wife, and the things I am reading in this thread resonate strongly with what I learned in Alanon.

People there, especially those with alcoholic adult children, struggled horribly with issues of rescuing vs. enabling. On the one hand, this is your kid and you can’t let them sink. On the other, every time you rescue them you aren’t intending to, but you are teaching them what they are doing is ok, because you will be there to catch them before they hit bottom.

Maybe you are looking too hard for an all-or-nothing solution. Everyone says, “Set boundaries!” As if it was easy. It isn’t. Maybe a more realistic approach would be “Set one boundary.” “One at a time.” The point being that this is a slow process, and you have to be content with baby steps.

Decide on one boundary. Best would be something you think could succeed, which would have to be modest. Or perhaps it should be something having to do with off-the-wall behavior, like destroying stuff, or cursing at you. It should be something you can easily explain, and that she can understand.

Expect kicking and screaming. But in the end (could take weeks or months) you may be surprised. For a person with BPD whose world is so uncontrolled and chaotic, sometimes having a limit is reassuring and can actually make them feel more secure. It tells them the world is a slightly more rational place than what they feared. This is permitted, this isn’t. If you do that, this will reliably follow.

There is no magic answer, no key you can turn that will open a door to a beautiful, peaceful garden. But there are things you can do, small steps, with patience for your daughter and yourself.

[JacksMom]

I KNEW I could come here and find a bit of comfort.
people who understand this chaos and pain.

Daughter is 35...diagnosed at 30 but FINALLY we could connect the dots back to teen years to make it all make sense.

She has 3 boys.  They are the loves of my life...because of her uptick in symptoms I havent seen them much this year.  They live a mile away.

She focuses on her perceived damage by us as parents, especially the Daddy wound. Her brother, 33, was raised in same house and has always been irritated with her for her announcements that our home was filled with arguments and abuse and how traumatized she was.  He feels we gave them a great childhood with lots of experiences and has no idea where she gets her "facts" from about the trauma. There were marital arguments...but usually followed by conversations and ice cream.

We can do well for months and then seemingly out of nowhere comes some new piece of "evidence" that drags her back to being suspicious of us and uncovers all the trauma. and BAM!  we are right back there...

I'm going through my OWN midlife stuff right now... we are going through MARRIAGE stuff right now...and then in March/April after a couple healthy conversations with her about addressing her current angsty and disordered thinking with her psychiatrist and follow his advice. (all in texts..all looks nice printed out)  A phone conversation reiterating that the BPD and BIPOLAR thing need to be followed up with the doctor and discuss with HIM the current symptoms and follow through.  Like any other disorder...blood pressure, thyroid, blood sugar; check with your doc and follow the plan.

Days later she demanded I get the voice recording of that phone call with her father  (you need a court order for that) because... apparently him telling her that she has multiple DIAGNOSED conditions, she needs to do her part in managing them.  (WAHHH he called me CRAZZYYY) (no. he did not.)

 And a week or so after that, her ex mother in law who hasn't been stable or involved in anyones life in the past decade mentioned to her that she heard that the two Fathers called my daughter "crazy".
No context...No facts...no good reason.   AND so... I got a string of texts about it and how we were no longer welcome in her home. (that we pay rent for so the boys can have something nice) 

Did they? Did the two Dads talk and come to the conclusion that she was unstable?
 yes...it happened in the midst of one of the most chaotic and painful times in all our lives that she had written a 7 page letter and sent it to all parties involved in their life falling apart, absolutely destroying our character with some of the most outrageous accusations and inflammatory words. She was spinning out ...  It was after a phone call between the Fathers that calmed things down because THEY couldn't believe that we had said those things or felt that way about them and the (ex) son in law.  We didnt.  It was actually a compilation of all the things she had told us about her (ex) husband that was concerning her and somehow she only remembered the part where we had said those things...and how we like to control her with our money.  (when you pay rent in a nice neighborhood you expect the yard and home to be kept to at least a minimum standard of healthy clean and orderliness...nothing ACTUALLY controlling)
They concluded that this letter was written in the pain and confusion of the current sudden divorcing situation (there was an arrest made)..and yes... she was acting crazy.

So...here we are... 7 years away from that conversation between the Fathers and the mention of her being "crazy" but no actual context from the ex MIL

And we get 5 texts to us about the situation and that she was hurt beyond repair.
 
And 6 years from her inpatient diagnosis of BPD, BiPolar...etc etc yet all the work and therapy and assistance to get to this point...and its all gone?

My heart collapsed.  I cant do this. I cant carry this anymore.
I cant try any harder to help her if she is claiming she is healed and stable and yet avidly searching for evidence that we are indeed guilty as believed.

They live a mile away and I have enjoyed having the grandsons  close and have done everything in my power to protect them and save them from situations...and..they adore me.

Currently... I have seen them for 3 hours on Mothers Day at her time choice and with them being dropped off and picked up. Since March... I have had about 4 hours with them. They were able to use their devices to message me and we had a couple really fun conversations that kept the connection...but then that stopped.

I feel that she is deliberately limiting all contact between us.
I have no idea what she is telling the boys about me/us.

End of last year she had a fit over something and apparently raged around the house calling me a narcissist ...because I had my name on the electric bill and she couldn't call and get access to the account one day. (we pay her rent and had the utilities in my name because she wasn't paying bills and I wanted the boys to not go through that mess of shutoffs..but her current Saint of a boyfriend has the bill on autopay on his card and his email...but she wanted access and accused me of blocking her) (she hasn't cared about this bill for 5 years but NOW it was a crisis and I needed to call the company RIGHT NOW and let her in..i was making dinner)

 Oldest grandson (13) asked me what a narcissist was... I explained. He thought for a minute and then puzzled, said: "well that doesnt sound like you..you do everything for everyone and dont ask for anything and it doesnt benefit you"
Yup... Mom had raged about me...

THIS is the painful part now.
If it was just her... she can go be an adult and figure it out.

But her boys actually DO need me... but I cant fight city hall.
She has blocked me on social media..posts all the time about how healed she is...from the trauma... her childhood trauma...
videos going viral about her having to heal the little girl that suffered trauma.
videos going viral about having suffered so much as a child and no one helped her.

Everyone who knows her and us is uncomfortable with her because they know she is fabricating this and it certainly does make the family look questionable but mostly...makes her look "crazy"
 
I know this was long.
I know y'all understand this feeling.

I came here after a long time to feel not so alone in this.
THIS Thread was about chasing a daughter down the rabbit hole...and I have done that her whole life.  I have the books..therapy...podcasts... I know more about BPD than she does.  I have swooped in and saved the day so many times that I am now 58 and looking at my life and thinking WHERE DID 10 YEARS GO? How could I have given her all that help and support and it seems to vanish from her memory on a whim that she can wipe it from her consciousness apparently because we are such horrible parents that cant be trusted.  (believe me...her friends have told her that they WISHED they were "abused" like she's been with parents like us)

I have no idea what is going to happen...none of us do.
All I know now is the boys are all old enough to SAY things now to other adults that will throw necessary red flags. I pray they do and that the adults listen and act. Someday, perhaps they will add it up and see that it was HER that built the distance between us and I have always wanted the same level of loving closeness we had when they were little.

Hugs...  HUGS to us all.  Another week of the roller coaster...

I'm finding a new therapist this week to help me set and keep my boundaries so I dont turn into the angry old lady who missed out on all the things that mattered to me

I just know that I cant follow ANYONE down another rabbit hole to save them. My heart aches..but... its not helping anyone, especially me.

[HopefulFather]

In response to Jezz and several others on this thread I wanted to add that we also have experienced our BPD daughter who is 23 say the most horrific, hurtful, soul crushing things to us!  It should also be noted that our daughter will say different things to myself than to my Wife.  She specifically targets each of us with the things that hurt us the worst.

It also usually coincides with her extreme fits of anxiety.  I don't know if anxiety is a piece of the puzzle for most BPDs but it is for ours.  If we are able to keep clear of the carnage long enough she usually cools down and stops on her own, but it can be difficult to avoid the attacks!

[alterK]

For people with BPD the past can be as alive for them, even more alive, than the present. They will bring up incidents that you have forgotten, or that you remember entirely differently than they do. This is a rabbit hole! You can never resolve these things. Their memories of the past are confused with the emotions of the moment, and you will be horribly frustrated if you try to argue about what's really true.

The only solution, if you can bring it about, is to keep things in the present tense. Keep telling her that we can't do anything about the past, can't accomplish anything by arguing about it. But we can control the present, and the future. It's a struggle, and it requires that you yourself look away from hurtful things she's said. But if you can focus attention on the present and on what you want to do in the future, you have just a little bit of a chance of accomplishing something.

[Tanager]

I appreciate this thread and the advice from alterK  - the only solution is to focus on the present. My daughter and I had a nice walk on Mother's Day, and I was enjoying our time together. Less than an hour later she was triggered by a task she had to accomplish and she screamed that I was  a horrible abusive mother.  When I recall her childhood I remember so many good times: reading books, music, so many pets, family trips, supporting her. Not perfect, and we were not perfect parents. But we sure tried to be there for both our daughters.  How can my reality be so different for me than my daughter, who says she had a chaotic, abusive childhood?  I just can't reconcile this.  So doing the best we can in the present is the only way to remain sane.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[JLoCali9450]

Hi All! So much of what you all have written here and on other theads resonates SO much with me - an Auntie to a nephew that shows BPD traits/maybe high-functioning BPD:

•   lack of ability to see another point of view
•   blaming (including things that have been totally made up)
•   seems to be almost living in another reality.
•   lack of self care
•   habitual user of cannabis (weed) / self-medicates / abuses weed
•   I sink into a depression
•   I feel guilty, I feel resentful, then guilty for being resentful.
•   It will not go well when you set the boundaries.  You will likely see a huge negative reaction.  You setting boundaries with her will help her to learn how to have better relationships with others.
•   struggled horribly with issues of rescuing vs. enabling.
•   I have given her all that help and support and it seems to vanish from her memory

I'm sorry you're going through so much, but I thank you all for sharing and, in doing so, validating my feelings and experiences with my (orphaned) nephew. This past year has been such a rollercoaster ride and I vacillate between feeling co-dependent, manipulated, angry, resentful, anxious - all the feelings. I'm second-guessing myself all the time. It's such an emotional rollercoaster and it's so exhausting. Reading about your experiences is really helpful, especially to know how what you're doing and to also know that I'm not the only parent/family member struggling with a BPD adult kid. Thanks for sharing and the ideas on how to cope.

[jones54]

It may be a rabbit hole but I have always called it a black hole. The darkness and chaos is endless. My 37yo BPD daughter has been in a downward spiral. We were told by a therapist to pull back and let her "figure life out" about 2 to 3 years ago. She also has addiction issues (alcohol and heroin). She did well for about 2 years but over the past year has lived in her car (her choice, she was living in a halfway house) and then lost her job. She is now blaming her parents for everything (including everything in the past). It is a different reality than our past. She began threatening us. We had to get PPO's. She smashed her mother's windshield and then went to her house in broad daylight and broke windows and outside light fixtures. She was finally arrested and is now in jail for this damage and violating the PPO. Has 60 day sentence with possible early release if she goes to rehab. She remains angry in jail and her mother is afraid she is going to hurt or kill her when she gets out. Yes, boundaries are important but unfortunately you never know the outcome. Problem is we helped her for years and all she did was relapse and her mental health never improved. She denies she has a mental health problem and states we are the ones who are crazy and need therapy. Difficult to have acceptance but this may never change and you just need to move on and lead your own life (and protect yourself).