Mother may very likely have BPD but refuses help

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi everyone,

I was very happy to stumble upon this forum. For many years, I have suffered just with the mere negative presence of my mother, but did not realize until a year ago that she may have a mental health issue. She is now 70 years old, but refuses to get help. Getting help is also considered taboo in our culture (Filipino/Asian) and it's not something most people would casually and openly discuss.

The only pleasant memories I had of my mother was when I was 4. She would tell me stories about our dogs every time I woke up in the morning. My dad worked overseas and I would only see him once a year.

But over the years, most memories I have with my mother are negative. She beat me up every time I did or said things that aren't to her liking. Punishments can range from - forcing chili pepper into my mouth, kneeling on mung beans with arms straight out, spanking with a belt buckle, pulling my hair really hard that would result in bumps in my head. Every time my grandma (grandpa's sister) would stay with us, she would beg for my mother to stop. Even our household help at that time would beg for me to stop. I don't remember each punishment resulting in bruises or wounds each time, but I do remember that she hit me really hard with a belt buckle one time that it resulted in an open wound.

Sadly, severe spanking is considered somewhat "normal" in our culture and in my parent's generation, but times have slowly been changing. Even my uncles (mom's brother) severely spanked their children. It may be different for my cousins because they had siblings to recover from the same trauma with, but being an only child, I have no one.

I think one of the earliest memories I had was when I was 7 years old. I was in the honor roll in my class (4th honors). We were getting ready for my graduation and my mom wanted to curl my hair, but I refused because I didn't want to wear curlers. She spanked me with her high heels severely. I was crying so hard that my eyes were swollen. Every single picture I had that day my eyes were swollen.

When I reached high school, the beating has stopped. I think my mom was influenced by what she saw on modern TV where celebrities speak against this. She also even tells me now never to spank my kids. Not that I ever have anyway because I don't plan to ever be like her.

However, her anger manifested in other ways. The most unforgettable memory I have is when she wakes either me or my dad up when she's angry about something. She believes that if you wake people up in the middle of their sleep, that this will annoy them more, so they'd be more inclined to pay attention to you. Regardless of who's at fault, the entire household would get woken up, so this resulted in a lot of poor sleep and going to school/work feeling very tired.

In addition to that, here are some odd traits she exhibits which I think all point to BPD:

Paranoia
If her she texts a friend/relative and they don't respond right away, she would immediately think that they are either upset or don't like her anymore. She actually truly believes this even though there doesn't seem to be any prior incident that would even make her think that.

If my dad and I are sitting next to each other watching TV, she thinks that we are talking about her behind her back.

If she has dreams of a friend/relative facing their backs on her, she believes that this is a symbol of "treachery". Growing up, she has had many dreams like this of me or my dad. She would turn nuts every time this happens and demand for us to tell her what "we're hiding", even though there's nothing to divulge. I can't tell you how many times I've cried because she forced me to "reveal what I'm hiding."

Her paranoia get exacerbated in the middle of the night. For whatever reason, she wakes up in the middle of the night and starts thinking about negative events that have never even happened.

Attachment
I had a cousin that lived with us who was extremely sweet to my mother. She was quite the opposite of me who is mostly stoic. This made her fall in love with my cousin to the point that she was always angry at me for no reason. Maybe she wishes I were sweet too? Who knows! It got to a point where she would compare me and my cousin's physical appearance saying I'm jealous because my cousin is more attractive than me. This couldn't be farther from the truth, by the way. My cousin and I were like sisters and I was never jealous of her.

Uncontrollable anger
She can get triggered out of the blue. Even seemingly trivial matters can result in a lot of screaming to the point that she is almost hyperventilating. I can't tell you how many Christmases and birthdays have been ruined because of trivial matters. It doesn't matter what day it is. If she wants to ruin it, she will ruin it. But we're the ones "ruining it" for her, I suppose.

No accountability
Either she does not admit her mistakes or if she clearly realizes she is wrong, she completely dismisses you by saying, "I don't know", shrugs, and looks away. This is her typical line and gesture.

When I was 10, she asked me to get a 20 peso bill from her wallet to give to someone. The power was out, but we were in the patio and there was still light from the moon. She instructed me to walk closer wait until she lights up a candle so I can see better and I don't inadvertently pull out the other bills in her wallet. I could clearly see myself so I managed to pull out a 20. But because I didn't listen to her, she discreetly dropped a bill on the floor (which I could see by the way) and blamed me for it.

Narcissistic behavior/Entitlement
I have a property back home that I pay a $500/mo mortgage on. I was sending this money to my mother's bank account, but after a while, I heard from my dad that he feels too much pressure from my mom regarding these payments. Apparently, my mom has been forcing my dad to pay for my mortgage and the monthly payments I've been making she has been pocketing.

When I asked her about this, she went nuts, and it's now a topic that can never be spoken about again. To be honest, I would've probably been ok to swallow her lying, but I can't allow her to put so much pressure on my dad. I feel bad for him; he works very hard and is already 75.

Just for additional context, I have recently sent her $1,800 for her attorney fees, $150 for an airfryer, and she's now again asking for $2,000 for a downpayment on a new car.

In addition, she has been asking if I could give her a $500/mo allowance. I refused, so she asked if I could sponsor her to immigrate to the US; she will then work for me for $100/day. When my daughter was born, she did the math on what we were paying the nanny and concluded that her ask is nothing compared to that. I continued to refuse and her response was, "I'm already old! Why are you depriving me of this?"

Inferiority complex
She really believes she is incapable of anything - even small things like speaking English, which she was quite good at. Every time she comes to visit, simple things like ordering, asking where the bathroom is, she refuses to do because she thinks she is unable to speak English.

She thinks that most of her family hates her and has alienated herself from them. She only has one friend and has also alienated herself from the rest of her circle.

Based on her symptoms, do you think she has BPD? How can I slowly detach myself from her?

What has helped me so far:
Less contact has definitely helped me, but I feel bad for my dad. I wish I could save him and have him move with me, but then again, he wouldn't really want to because he's happy with his work there. My mom is the one who is so willing to move here, but that will turn me and my family's lives into hell on earth.

If I talk to her, I make sure it's at least later in the morning her time. She calls me between 11PM - 2AM her time and I noticed that there is never a positive outcome from these calls.

[zanyapple]

Hi everyone,

I was very happy to stumble upon this forum. For many years, I have suffered just with the mere negative presence of my mother, but did not realize until a year ago that she may have a mental health issue. She is now 70 years old, but refuses to get help. Getting help is also considered taboo in our culture (Filipino/Asian) and it's not something most people would casually and openly discuss.

The only pleasant memories I had of my mother was when I was 4. She would tell me stories about our dogs every time I woke up in the morning. My dad worked overseas and I would only see him once a year.

But over the years, most memories I have with my mother are negative. She beat me up every time I did or said things that aren't to her liking. Punishments can range from - forcing chili pepper into my mouth, kneeling on mung beans with arms straight out, spanking with a belt buckle, pulling my hair really hard that would result in bumps in my head. Every time my grandma (grandpa's sister) would stay with us, she would beg for my mother to stop. Even our household help at that time would beg for me to stop. I don't remember each punishment resulting in bruises or wounds each time, but I do remember that she hit me really hard with a belt buckle one time that it resulted in an open wound.

Sadly, severe spanking is considered somewhat "normal" in our culture and in my parent's generation, but times have slowly been changing. Even my uncles (mom's brother) severely spanked their children. It may be different for my cousins because they had siblings to recover from the same trauma with, but being an only child, I have no one.

I think one of the earliest memories I had was when I was 7 years old. I was in the honor roll in my class (4th honors). We were getting ready for my graduation and my mom wanted to curl my hair, but I refused because I didn't want to wear curlers. She spanked me with her high heels severely. I was crying so hard that my eyes were swollen. Every single picture I had that day my eyes were swollen.

When I reached high school, the beating has stopped. I think my mom was influenced by what she saw on modern TV where celebrities speak against this. She also even tells me now never to spank my kids. Not that I ever have anyway because I don't plan to ever be like her.

However, her anger manifested in other ways. The most unforgettable memory I have is when she wakes either me or my dad up when she's angry about something. She believes that if you wake people up in the middle of their sleep, that this will annoy them more, so they'd be more inclined to pay attention to you. Regardless of who's at fault, the entire household would get woken up, so this resulted in a lot of poor sleep and going to school/work feeling very tired.

In addition to that, here are some odd traits she exhibits which I think all point to BPD:

Paranoia
If her she texts a friend/relative and they don't respond right away, she would immediately think that they are either upset or don't like her anymore. She actually truly believes this even though there doesn't seem to be any prior incident that would even make her think that.

If my dad and I are sitting next to each other watching TV, she thinks that we are talking about her behind her back.

If she has dreams of a friend/relative facing their backs on her, she believes that this is a symbol of "treachery". Growing up, she has had many dreams like this of me or my dad. She would turn nuts every time this happens and demand for us to tell her what "we're hiding", even though there's nothing to divulge. I can't tell you how many times I've cried because she forced me to "reveal what I'm hiding."

Her paranoia get exacerbated in the middle of the night. For whatever reason, she wakes up in the middle of the night and starts thinking about negative events that have never even happened.

Attachment
I had a cousin that lived with us who was extremely sweet to my mother. She was quite the opposite of me who is mostly stoic. This made her fall in love with my cousin to the point that she was always angry at me for no reason. Maybe she wishes I were sweet too? Who knows! It got to a point where she would compare me and my cousin's physical appearance saying I'm jealous because my cousin is more attractive than me. This couldn't be farther from the truth, by the way. My cousin and I were like sisters and I was never jealous of her.

Uncontrollable anger
She can get triggered out of the blue. Even seemingly trivial matters can result in a lot of screaming to the point that she is almost hyperventilating. I can't tell you how many Christmases and birthdays have been ruined because of trivial matters. It doesn't matter what day it is. If she wants to ruin it, she will ruin it. But we're the ones "ruining it" for her, I suppose.

No accountability
Either she does not admit her mistakes or if she clearly realizes she is wrong, she completely dismisses you by saying, "I don't know", shrugs, and looks away. This is her typical line and gesture.

When I was 10, she asked me to get a 20 peso bill from her wallet to give to someone. The power was out, but we were in the patio and there was still light from the moon. She instructed me to walk closer wait until she lights up a candle so I can see better and I don't inadvertently pull out the other bills in her wallet. I could clearly see myself so I managed to pull out a 20. But because I didn't listen to her, she discreetly dropped a bill on the floor (which I could see by the way) and blamed me for it.

Narcissistic behavior/Entitlement
I have a property back home that I pay a $500/mo mortgage on. I was sending this money to my mother's bank account, but after a while, I heard from my dad that he feels too much pressure from my mom regarding these payments. Apparently, my mom has been forcing my dad to pay for my mortgage and the monthly payments I've been making she has been pocketing.

When I asked her about this, she went nuts, and it's now a topic that can never be spoken about again. To be honest, I would've probably been ok to swallow her lying, but I can't allow her to put so much pressure on my dad. I feel bad for him; he works very hard and is already 75.

Just for additional context, I have recently sent her $1,800 for her attorney fees, $150 for an airfryer, and she's now again asking for $2,000 for a downpayment on a new car.

In addition, she has been asking if I could give her a $500/mo allowance. I refused, so she asked if I could sponsor her to immigrate to the US; she will then work for me for $100/day. When my daughter was born, she did the math on what we were paying the nanny and concluded that her ask is nothing compared to that. I continued to refuse and her response was, "I'm already old! Why are you depriving me of this?"

Inferiority complex
She really believes she is incapable of anything - even small things like speaking English, which she was quite good at. Every time she comes to visit, simple things like ordering, asking where the bathroom is, she refuses to do because she thinks she is unable to speak English.

She thinks that most of her family hates her and has alienated herself from them. She only has one friend and has also alienated herself from the rest of her circle.

Based on her symptoms, do you think she has BPD? How can I slowly detach myself from her?

What has helped me so far:
Less contact has definitely helped me, but I feel bad for my dad. I wish I could save him and have him move with me, but then again, he wouldn't really want to because he's happy with his work there. My mom is the one who is so willing to move here, but that will turn me and my family's lives into hell on earth.

If I talk to her, I make sure it's at least later in the morning her time. She calls me between 11PM - 2AM her time and I noticed that there is never a positive outcome from these calls.

[Goldcrest]

Hey zanyapple, just wanted to reach out and say I am so, so sorry for the horrendous abuse you have received from your uBPD mum. You have stumbled upon a forum where you will find so much support and warmth, with people that "get it" and have your back. Thank you for sharing with us and for making the brave steps to set yourself free from the madness of your mother.

I am sending a hug and more people will be a long soon with some good advice and support. I wish you well and look forward to reading about your journey. 

[Woolspinner2000]

Welcome zanyapple! 

How relieved you must be to have found a place where no one questions the horrendous stories you shared about your uBPDm. Oh how much heartache those of us went through as children with a mom who had/has BPD. It is something others cannot possibly even grasp unless you've been there. You'll find a great group of folks here who most certainly will walk with you as you share, vent, explore the effects upon you, and ultimately as you heal.

How did you first learn about the term BPD?

 
Wools

[missing NC]

Welcome zanyapple.  In answer to your question of whether your mom has BPD, I must say the rages, lack of accountability, paranoia, fractured relationships and sense of shame certainly look familiar.  My condolences. 

You had mentioned the taboo of discussing mental health issues in your family of origin. I have watched close friends from various Asian countries grapple with both that issue and with the demands of filial piety.  So I know cultural considerations further complicate the already considerable challenges of your situation.   

I just put a book in my to-read list that might appeal to you - What My Bones Know: A Memoir of Healing from Complex Trauma by Stephanie Foo.  The synopsis describes her recovery from child abuse as an only child in an Asian (Malaysian) family. I realize others may find other outlets more useful, but I have found first-person accounts of individuals coming to terms with abuse from BPD-afflicted family members make me feel slightly less alone.  I am finding the resource page of Ms. Foo's website - https://www.stephaniefoo.me/resources - useful. 

I empathize with your desire to bring your father to live with you but agree that bringing your mom would turn your life upside down.  Wishing you strength, peace and healing. 

[zanyapple]

Welcome zanyapple! 

How relieved you must be to have found a place where no one questions the horrendous stories you shared about your uBPDm. Oh how much heartache those of us went through as children with a mom who had/has BPD. It is something others cannot possibly even grasp unless you've been there. You'll find a great group of folks here who most certainly will walk with you as you share, vent, explore the effects upon you, and ultimately as you heal.

How did you first learn about the term BPD?

 
Wools

Thank you for your response!

I honestly did not know what BPD was before, but the extreme reactions my mother has, anxiety, has led me to do my own research.

I just accidentally went deep into the internet and stumbled upon BPD. At first I thought she just had abnormal anxiety levels, but after reading BPD symptoms, they were all very familiar.