Head buried in sand?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi all
I'm treading the very fine line of splitting up from my husband who has BPD (two kids, eldest showing some signs too).
He's 15 years older than me which is pointing to him retiring and watching the kids whilst I go to work full time again. He's a great dad but ...
so many buts.
Also, he seems to be unable to accept that we're separating. I don't know how to do this without pushing him over the edge (and probably myself with him).
I wondered if anyone knew of a great therapist for me that I could have as someone to turn to and count on during this process that particularly understood about helping me set boundaries/goals for myself that weren't so intertwined with my partner's. He's a good man and I do want the best for him but now need my own peace of mind too.

[lightbeam]

Hi all
I'm treading the very fine line of splitting up from my husband who has BPD (two kids, eldest showing some signs too).
He's 15 years older than me which is pointing to him retiring and watching the kids whilst I go to work full time again. He's a great dad but ...
so many buts.
Also, he seems to be unable to accept that we're separating. I don't know how to do this without pushing him over the edge (and probably myself with him).
I wondered if anyone knew of a great therapist for me that I could have as someone to turn to and count on during this process that particularly understood about helping me set boundaries/goals for myself that weren't so intertwined with my partner's. He's a good man and I do want the best for him but now need my own peace of mind too.

[BigOof]

It's hard to help with the information provided. Could you please expand a little?

Why do you think he is to go over the edge? Suicide? Rampage?

Why do you think you need to help him accept you're separating? It only takes one to separate.

What books have you read?

Are you filing for divorce or just separating?

How old are the kids? What do they think?

[ForeverDad]

A common refrain you will read here is "You can't fix someone else's BPD. That person has to want it and work for it."  Another is "Family court won't try to fix either parent, it deals with them as they are using documented evidence of poor behaviors."  So this is the time to deal with "what is" and not "what you wish".

Are you seeking divorce or just going halfway and looking at Legal Separation?  There are a couple differences.  One is that it leaves you legally still married and only sets orders for custody and parenting of the kids, so it is difficult to separate the adult lives. Another is a risk that the second time around the ex, if a possessive or controlling parent, may have learned which behaviors concern the court and now knows how to look "less bad" to the court and you risk getting a weakened divorce decree.

In most cases our members here have described the BPD behaviors are on the severe side, so divorce is a more common ("less bad") choice.