Talking to sister today who gaslights me

[wmm]

I haven't talked to my sister in a month since I told her that I got married (after a ton of drama with my mom, my husband and I decided to have a small ceremony with just our two witnesses). My sister was very upset. She told me she wanted space. I gave her that space and then yesterday she asked if we could talk. We're talking at 1pm this afternoon. My sister and I haven't been close since I found out that she was talking about me behind my back with my parents (mom has bpd) and accused me of being a hypochondriac because she, nor my mom, believed that I was injured. I had post-concussion syndrome after having a really bad concussion. She also accused me of being "so negative". I was going through a really hard time because I was still recovering from my injury and was able to do very little. I was also unemployed and I was having a very hard time finding a job and I hadn't been able to see my friends very much due to the pandemic. I definitely was depressed but I also realize that I was being gaslit. Ever since my mom and her accused me of being a hypochondriac, I have questioned myself when being sick and have postponed reaching out to my doctor or validating myself because I just hear their voices in my head and want to prove them wrong. I was always there for my sister. I took her back and forth to the hospital when she had psychosis and my mom told her she couldn't take her because she wanted to see a movie or other excuses. I listened to her and supported her whenever she was going through a hard time. I finally set my boundaries because I realized it was a one way street. After I told my mom that I was cancelling my wedding, my sister got mad at me because my parents had gotten into a fight and my brother broke it up. I told her that the way my parents behaved was not my fault. I just want to yell at her and tell her the way I feel about everything that has happened between us. I know that everything I say will go back to my mom because she tells my mom everything. I feel that part of why I want to yell at her is because I can't hold my mom accountable. My sister has just been repeating to me everything that my mom says. I've made a list of things to say when we talk so that I don't over explain myself and let her get away with criticizing me. I tend to trip over my words when confronting someone over the phone or in person. I also avoid confrontation a lot. Sticking up for myself is very hard for me. Any tips as to how I should handle this conversation? I'm feeling really anxious about it.

[GaGrl]

Are there several primary points you want to make with her, and do you have phrases prepared for those? My advice is to repeat those phrases and not get sidetracked into JADE-ing.

I especially like -- "Our parents' behavior is not my responsibility."

[Riv3rW0lf]

Your sister's emotions are also not your responsibility.

Reading your post, I feel you've been scapegoated by them through your life?  Is she your mother's golden child by any chance?

If the two of them are very enmeshed, chances are she is acting as an extension of your mother and I think it might help to see her as such...

You don't have to explain yourself, nor justify yourself for living your own life. You are an adult, you are a wife, a grown, healthy woman. Take your time to put yourself in that mindset before your meeting.

It is so easy for us, the traumatised, to go back into vulnerable child mode... I do it all the time without even realizing it and it takes me a lot of focus to get back into my healthy, strong, adult mode.

Remember: you are not a child anynore. You are strong, you are living your life, and you have a right to do it without them guiltripping you.

Be true to yourself.

Courage.

Sending you love and support.