It has a name

[Ithasaname]

I am 50 years old, until a few days ago I did not have a name for what was "wrong" with my mom- I have not stopped crying since I read the words Borderline Personality Disorder- I have a name- after 50 years I have a name- the relief that came reading it is unparalleled to anything I have ever felt- I have so many questions, I have so many feelings I don't know what to do with- I want to scream with joy and cry with guilt- I am Free- and after 50 years I have a name for what has almost destroyed me for many years- Borderline Personality Disorder- 

[Ithasaname]

my god the tears of guilt today are almost too much today.  I want to scream, but no one will hear me, I want pound my first and demand answers- I want things to be picture perfect, I want the pain to stop ruling my thoughts- I want my mom to be better- I want my family to be well- I have tried so hard, for 30 plus years, even as they all made me the bad guy, I worked to bring us all together, to protect those who never protected me. I am so tired, scared and over this Sh*&- I am tired of being on the island alone- I've been on my own since I was 14 years old- I see how we become old and bitter, hard, lost- I wake up each day and fight that- but today I felt like I was more on the menu of life VS having a seat at the table-

[BigOof]

Try reading "Understanding the Borderline Mother" by Christine Ann Lawson. Christine intimately knows what you've been going through.

[Ithasaname]

Thank you-

[Ithasaname]

today marks a full month since I ended contact with my mom- I feel lost today, I feel guilt, I feel free-

[Mommydoc]

That is a big milestone in a longer journey. Congratulations. Feeling lost, alone and guilty are totally normal feelings. It will take time to let go of the guilt. I am glad you are here and love that you are also feeling the positive feeling of freedom.