Sibling caregiver of BPD

[e2021]

Hi everyone, while it's actually my older brother (20) with BPD I also consider myself (18 yo) a partial caregiver. While it is mainly my parents (actually almost entirely), I find that the sibling forum is more geared towards conflict avoidance rather than caregiver issues that I more relate to.
Right now I'm struggling with how much contact I want to have with my brother. He has BPD, ODD, and severe depression, so while violence and conflict used to be a bigger issue, he ois mainly just severely depressed now. He lives in an apartment like 20 min from my parents house that they pay for. He doesn't have a job or go to school. He can't even go to the grocery store by himself currently as it has also seemed to progress into an agoraphobic sort of situation. My issue is that while I want to support him, he also abused  me until I was a teenager and seeing him makes me uncomfortable. The issue is that I feel like we're living on borrowed time. He keeps saying he has nothing to live for, and unfortunately since he's shut himself away, he's kind of right. I feel like if I don't talk to him he will kill himself, and I will feel partially responsible for his death for the rest of my life. On the other hand, if we place him involuntarily in a mental facility which would probably be best for his health, I will be financially and emotionally responsible for him for the rest of my life, and he'll probably hate me forever to. My parents and I try to make decisions a bit more jointly now that I'm an adult, but I just don't know how to be the person my family needs me to be, the person I want to be, and how to not feel guilty for the rest of my life.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Welcome e2021.
I can understand why you feel this might be the forum for you to share your experience. I think you share something with the folk here in that you seem to have a strong sense of responsibility for your brother - and you see this extending throughout your life. This is a kind of parental responsibility that you feel.

You also say that now you are sharing decisions jointly with your parents. I hope you don't mind me saying that I think this is entrenching you more and more into responsibility for your brother.

You are 18 years old and from what you say, you have suffered abuse from your brother previously. It is time to focus on your life and your future.

Can you tell us a bit more about what is in your life at the moment? Do you study? Have work? Have you ever had counselling for the trauma you have suffered?

Do your parents have any supports in place to help them supporting your brother?

Many of the parents who post here feel very sad that their other children are so affected by their bpd child. They want each of their children to become independent adults - supporting themselves and, in time perhaps having a family of their own.

This is the grief that parents here share - that their bpd child struggles so much to have any form of independence.

I think you should be careful about taking on any responsibility for your brother. I hope you can make a plan for your own future. If you struggle to do this I think it would be good if you could find a counsellor or someone who can support you - just you.

People here understand that it is hard to shake off feelings of guilt about our bpd loved ones. But we have to do this. Guilt can cripple us and keep us bound into a negative pattern that robs us of our life too.

I hope you don't mind me saying these things. But if you read the posts here, you will hear over and over again parents advising other parents not to be consumed by the bpd of their child - and to value and respect their own lives. As parents we can get to the place where we don't seem to have anything in our lives except the care and concern for our bpd loved ones. I think someone on this site expressed it as 'following my daughter down the rabbit hole'.

You are 18, have experienced abuse, you did not cause your brother's condition and you can't cure it. He needs professional help, but he also has to want that for himself.

Please don't follow your brother down the rabbit hole. You will bring joy to your parents if you can focus on your own future. I am sure your parents can focus on supporting one another in responding to your brother's needs.

Thanks for posting and I hope you will post again to let us know how things are and how you are feeling.

[e2021]

Hi there, I am currently a college student and doing well in school. I consider myself to be very independent and have a pretty solid plan for my future. The issue is that it's really just me and my parents besides my brother. When they are too old to take care of him, I will be the primary caregiver and I'll have to make the choice between institutionalizing him, funding and caring for him in his currently lifestyle, or pretty much leaving him to die.

I completely understand where you're coming from with it seeming like too much responsibility and to focus on my life , but I just don't know what to do as one day I will be the only one he has left. My parents have done everything they can to keep me from being affected by this, but as I'm an adult and they're getting older it seems time to face the music and make a plan as for what the future looks like for our family. I can't tell you if i would be willing to maintain a relationship with him, but I think I would take on this responsibility because the guilt would ruin any freedom I had. My hope is that one day he will be able to care for himself in some capacity and require only some amount of financial support. I hope that one day I'll be able to invite him to a thanksgiving dinner and that we'll have a nice time every once in a while, but I don't see much hope right now.

My parents and I are currently looking into legal options for the future sch as disability, conservatorships, and guardianships, however the second we take legal action with him it gives up any hope that he'll be able to pull it together and have a normal life. It's a difficult situation all around I think.

I've tried to get closer to my cousins over the years to give myself a support system too so that I have someone to lean on other than my parents. My hope is that as we get older our bond will solidify and help with some of the grief that comes with a poor sibling relationship.

[Sancho]

It is wonderful that you are doing well and have a plan for your future. But the future is weighing heavily on you in what seems to be a no win situation for you - you feel that either you take responsibility for your brother or feel guilty for the rest of your life for not doing so.

Is it possible for other people to become involved in some way. Perhaps starting with a family counsellor that could work with your parents and yourself at this time to come to a plan that is helpful?

I have been a carer for many different people over the years - I am 72 now - and have found some comments that people have made over the years have really helped me.

One was a doctor friend of mine. Her comment -'You really need other people involved in your situation'.

Another was a women who was caring for grandchildren and greatgrandchildren. She worked one day a week cleaning for a lovely lady who became a great friend. Her advice to me was 'Don't give up your work.'

These comments keep coming back into my mind when I feel things are too much and I need to drop my own things and my life will be just about caring.