It has all gone terribly wrong

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello friends,

It has been a very long time since I have been active here. I have been reading here in times of need, but not posting.

I am going through difficult times right now and would like to share in the hope I can work this out and perhaps others will relate or learn from my situation. My mind is rather scattered. This may likely be a long post but I will try to keep it as current as possible. My sorry tale is here somewhere if you are curious.

When I think about say the last three years, (I have know this woman for 14 or so), this has been the most difficult. We have been living together for seven years now. I have two sons, both adults and living at home until recent times. My partner does not like either of them, and my youngest autistic son has never got along with her.

Around the beginning of 2019, I drove my son to a shop and told my partner I would be back in an hour and a half. We were caught in traffic and were delayed. When we returned home, I entered the house and saw her on the bed with massive wounds to her arm. She was laying in a lake of blood, phone in her hand. I was in shock.  I took the phone from her and the ambulance were on the other end. They instructed me to wrap towels around her arm and sit with her and that they were on their way. It took a doctor nearly two hours to sew the arm back together. The next day we booked into a motel for a week in order for her to recover outside of the home. I found a permanent doctor for her who my partner bonded with and was then on medication and improving.

Unfortunately, my partner went back to drinking daily and stopped checking in with her doctor. Since then there have been the usual daily dramas, weekly blow ups, and the bi monthly explosions involving smashing things up and attacking me.

We have been unable to run our part time online business and even though we managed to build a really nice website during covid, the site is dormant and invisible. There has been little commitment from her to participate in a collaboration with me like this; maybe she just can’t.

My eldest son had run away from home six months earlier when my drunken partner threw glasses and furniture at his bedroom and a fight happened between them. He has been drifting since from house to house and is totally depressed. When he was younger he got along with her well!

In March this year my town had the largest flood on record. Despite moving our belongings into the highest part of the house we rent, we narrowly escaped the rising flood water late at night. The water went up to the roof! We sought shelter at a church. The door was open and an elderly couple took us to their farm where we stayed for five weeks. We have been well looked after by some of the kindest people I have ever met.

The flood caused massive damage. Many people are living on the streets now and the government response was appalling. There is a huge accommodation crisis now. After we realised the promised caravans would not be available and that the motels were full, we bought a caravan and had it trucked 2000km to the front of our home we were renting. I sent my youngest son to stay with his mother in a different state, and moved into the caravan with my partner. Two days later, a second flood happened and we escaped back to the farm with the caravan. And so we then had a second muddy mess to deal with. We took the caravan back to the home and were cleaning for a few days.

My son had been desperate to return but I wanted him to stay with his mother until we had the house ready. Due to the second flood, it was going to take longer.

Last Friday night it all went to pieces. My partner had been asking for days when my son will be returning. I had been as honest as I could in stating that it depended on when his disability worker could make the journey to bring him home. I stated that I knew she was anxious about him returning and was not looking forward to the extra demands he makes upon me either. It is his home and he has nowhere else to go.

We were sitting in the caravan making dinner that night. My partner had asked me to email my son and find out what day he would be returning. I did that. Unfortunately, that night we heard a car arrive and she said that it was my son. I replied that it wouldn’t be! In actual fact it was.

My partner who was drinking all day stormed outside and told my son and his worker that there was nowhere to stay here. My son was upset and ran down the street. I chased after him and he was then angry. He was telling me what a bad father I was and that he will never love me again. I went to my partner and she was telling my son’s worker that he is a piece of sh1t, violent, and smashes up the house. I instructed my son’s worker to leave and that I would calm this down.

I got my son into the house and my partner back in the caravan. After several visits back and forth she stormed upstairs calling him a retard and he attacked her knocking her to the ground. I separated them and went to speak with my partner. She opened a bottle of complimentary champaign which came with the caravan and began drinking it as if it were water. She then telephoned her sister.

I returned upstairs to my son and he said he wanted her gone and was going to call the police. I urged him to hold off. About four months prior, my partner was on another drunken bender where she was yelling rude insults to my son through the bedroom wall. He entered and attacked her. She ran off and the police arrived. They served a violence order on her which stated she cannot be at this house drinking and can only return 12 hours after her final drink. She was furious and told the police I smash up her things and I am an ice addict. The police told me they did not believe her although I had an order placed upon me too! I have not taken drugs for over a decade, and I rarely drink.

So, I returned to the caravan and pulled the door open. The caravan is 50 years old. The door lock fell off the rotten wood door. She went crazy. She told me I am a violent #$#%hole and a pathetic loser. She said I intentionally broke the door. She said I had killed my stillborn daughter and I deserved the misery she had coming my way. I kicked a cupboard door in anger and put my foot through it! “There”, I said. “There’s a broken door”!

Well this did not go down well. She proceeded to rip off and snap every single door in the caravan. I tried to restrain her, pinning her to the bed. I said, “this situation is unbelievable. It can go two ways. Either you got to bed and pass out; waking up in the morning with a huge hangover, or the police come and you and I will be in trouble. I know what option I’d choose.” Her reply was, “call the cops”. She leapt up and began smashing the caravan. I tried to wrestle her to the bed and she screamed “HELP! HELP!” She scratched me and tried to bite my hand. I left the caravan and watched the smashing up from the staircase. I filmed some of it on my iPad.

The police arrived. They arrested her. They took a statement from me and my son. They gave me their phone number. They asked if she can return after they charge her and I said she could as long as the violence stopped. They told me they would be in touch later in the night. They took her to a police station in another town as she was being handcuffed she yelled, “what lies have you been telling them this time”? I waited until 5am and received no call. I fell asleep for three hours and drove 30km to the police station. A different officer at the desk would not discuss it with me. I pressed him for an answer. I told him she is mentally unwell and he said she had been released! He would not tell me into whose care and said she was free to walk out the door. He stated she now had an order not to be within 100 meters of the house. She will need a police officer to be there if she needs to collect her possessions. All her clothes are here, her glasses, her shoes, her phone I found outside in a puddle.

I have had no contact with her since Friday. I went back to the farm on Saturday and her car we had left there was gone. I picked up a load of our belongings and left. On Sunday out of desperation, I drove to a farm her elder sister lives at. I have only met her and her partner a handful of times and do not know them well. They were surprised to see me but welcomed me in. Clearly they could see I was distressed. They made me a cup of tea and I spoke with them for perhaps two hours. An even older sister was visiting for a holiday. She is a head psychiatrist in a mental health section of a major hospital. She was lovely too. I didn’t mention BPD but explained the actions of my partner. I said, “does this make any sense to you”? She said, “yes it does”.

They all hugged me and I cried. Her sister didn’t mention I had spoken to them, and rang another sister (yes, a huge family), who said my partner was making her way up there. After I left, her sister who I was visiting, got my sons number and my email address. She sent a message that night that she would call me the next day. She said they all really cared about me. It was the nicest thing I had heard for years.

So since then, I have heard nothing from anyone. I will try to call her sister I visited, today. I have lost my own counsellor’s details in the flood. I have not seen him for two years. His old office in town looks locked up and not operational. I have an email address only for him but he has not responded yet. Maybe he has retired? He is nowhere to be found on the internet.

So my situation is dire. I am alone in an empty flood damaged house. I own a share in a damaged caravan. I have my autistic son to care for and he is sick. We are sleeping on the floor. We have no furniture or refrigeration or washing machine. We own the clothes we escaped with. I have a damaged relationship with a damaged partner. I have sent two emails to her so far expressing briefly the unfortunate turn of events and said I was worried about her and would like to talk, but have had no response.

I am in another one of those mega break ups where it all may be over for ever. I sensed in the night my son returned that she thought I had lied to her and knew exactly when he would be returning. This is untrue. No point trying to prove otherwise. I don’t know what the future will be. Either for me or her. I am hanging on by a thread. Every minute seems a struggle. There is so much work to do. I am trying to keep busy.

I apologise for the huge rant. If anything it has given me something to do, just to get it out. I welcome your replies. Thank you for reading this. I do read here; it has just been difficult to post. Hope you are doing somewhat better in these difficult times.

[2020]

Hello friends,

It has been a very long time since I have been active here. I have been reading here in times of need, but not posting.

I am going through difficult times right now and would like to share in the hope I can work this out and perhaps others will relate or learn from my situation. My mind is rather scattered. This may likely be a long post but I will try to keep it as current as possible. My sorry tale is here somewhere if you are curious.

When I think about say the last three years, (I have know this woman for 14 or so), this has been the most difficult. We have been living together for seven years now. I have two sons, both adults and living at home until recent times. My partner does not like either of them, and my youngest autistic son has never got along with her.

Around the beginning of 2019, I drove my son to a shop and told my partner I would be back in an hour and a half. We were caught in traffic and were delayed. When we returned home, I entered the house and saw her on the bed with massive wounds to her arm. She was laying in a lake of blood, phone in her hand. I was in shock.  I took the phone from her and the ambulance were on the other end. They instructed me to wrap towels around her arm and sit with her and that they were on their way. It took a doctor nearly two hours to sew the arm back together. The next day we booked into a motel for a week in order for her to recover outside of the home. I found a permanent doctor for her who my partner bonded with and was then on medication and improving.

Unfortunately, my partner went back to drinking daily and stopped checking in with her doctor. Since then there have been the usual daily dramas, weekly blow ups, and the bi monthly explosions involving smashing things up and attacking me.

We have been unable to run our part time online business and even though we managed to build a really nice website during covid, the site is dormant and invisible. There has been little commitment from her to participate in a collaboration with me like this; maybe she just can’t.

My eldest son had run away from home six months earlier when my drunken partner threw glasses and furniture at his bedroom and a fight happened between them. He has been drifting since from house to house and is totally depressed. When he was younger he got along with her well!

In March this year my town had the largest flood on record. Despite moving our belongings into the highest part of the house we rent, we narrowly escaped the rising flood water late at night. The water went up to the roof! We sought shelter at a church. The door was open and an elderly couple took us to their farm where we stayed for five weeks. We have been well looked after by some of the kindest people I have ever met.

The flood caused massive damage. Many people are living on the streets now and the government response was appalling. There is a huge accommodation crisis now. After we realised the promised caravans would not be available and that the motels were full, we bought a caravan and had it trucked 2000km to the front of our home we were renting. I sent my youngest son to stay with his mother in a different state, and moved into the caravan with my partner. Two days later, a second flood happened and we escaped back to the farm with the caravan. And so we then had a second muddy mess to deal with. We took the caravan back to the home and were cleaning for a few days.

My son had been desperate to return but I wanted him to stay with his mother until we had the house ready. Due to the second flood, it was going to take longer.

Last Friday night it all went to pieces. My partner had been asking for days when my son will be returning. I had been as honest as I could in stating that it depended on when his disability worker could make the journey to bring him home. I stated that I knew she was anxious about him returning and was not looking forward to the extra demands he makes upon me either. It is his home and he has nowhere else to go.

We were sitting in the caravan making dinner that night. My partner had asked me to email my son and find out what day he would be returning. I did that. Unfortunately, that night we heard a car arrive and she said that it was my son. I replied that it wouldn’t be! In actual fact it was.

My partner who was drinking all day stormed outside and told my son and his worker that there was nowhere to stay here. My son was upset and ran down the street. I chased after him and he was then angry. He was telling me what a bad father I was and that he will never love me again. I went to my partner and she was telling my son’s worker that he is a piece of sh1t, violent, and smashes up the house. I instructed my son’s worker to leave and that I would calm this down.

I got my son into the house and my partner back in the caravan. After several visits back and forth she stormed upstairs calling him a retard and he attacked her knocking her to the ground. I separated them and went to speak with my partner. She opened a bottle of complimentary champaign which came with the caravan and began drinking it as if it were water. She then telephoned her sister.

I returned upstairs to my son and he said he wanted her gone and was going to call the police. I urged him to hold off. About four months prior, my partner was on another drunken bender where she was yelling rude insults to my son through the bedroom wall. He entered and attacked her. She ran off and the police arrived. They served a violence order on her which stated she cannot be at this house drinking and can only return 12 hours after her final drink. She was furious and told the police I smash up her things and I am an ice addict. The police told me they did not believe her although I had an order placed upon me too! I have not taken drugs for over a decade, and I rarely drink.

So, I returned to the caravan and pulled the door open. The caravan is 50 years old. The door lock fell off the rotten wood door. She went crazy. She told me I am a violent #$#%hole and a pathetic loser. She said I intentionally broke the door. She said I had killed my stillborn daughter and I deserved the misery she had coming my way. I kicked a cupboard door in anger and put my foot through it! “There”, I said. “There’s a broken door”!

Well this did not go down well. She proceeded to rip off and snap every single door in the caravan. I tried to restrain her, pinning her to the bed. I said, “this situation is unbelievable. It can go two ways. Either you got to bed and pass out; waking up in the morning with a huge hangover, or the police come and you and I will be in trouble. I know what option I’d choose.” Her reply was, “call the cops”. She leapt up and began smashing the caravan. I tried to wrestle her to the bed and she screamed “HELP! HELP!” She scratched me and tried to bite my hand. I left the caravan and watched the smashing up from the staircase. I filmed some of it on my iPad.

The police arrived. They arrested her. They took a statement from me and my son. They gave me their phone number. They asked if she can return after they charge her and I said she could as long as the violence stopped. They told me they would be in touch later in the night. They took her to a police station in another town as she was being handcuffed she yelled, “what lies have you been telling them this time”? I waited until 5am and received no call. I fell asleep for three hours and drove 30km to the police station. A different officer at the desk would not discuss it with me. I pressed him for an answer. I told him she is mentally unwell and he said she had been released! He would not tell me into whose care and said she was free to walk out the door. He stated she now had an order not to be within 100 meters of the house. She will need a police officer to be there if she needs to collect her possessions. All her clothes are here, her glasses, her shoes, her phone I found outside in a puddle.

I have had no contact with her since Friday. I went back to the farm on Saturday and her car we had left there was gone. I picked up a load of our belongings and left. On Sunday out of desperation, I drove to a farm her elder sister lives at. I have only met her and her partner a handful of times and do not know them well. They were surprised to see me but welcomed me in. Clearly they could see I was distressed. They made me a cup of tea and I spoke with them for perhaps two hours. An even older sister was visiting for a holiday. She is a head psychiatrist in a mental health section of a major hospital. She was lovely too. I didn’t mention BPD but explained the actions of my partner. I said, “does this make any sense to you”? She said, “yes it does”.

They all hugged me and I cried. Her sister didn’t mention I had spoken to them, and rang another sister (yes, a huge family), who said my partner was making her way up there. After I left, her sister who I was visiting, got my sons number and my email address. She sent a message that night that she would call me the next day. She said they all really cared about me. It was the nicest thing I had heard for years.

So since then, I have heard nothing from anyone. I will try to call her sister I visited, today. I have lost my own counsellor’s details in the flood. I have not seen him for two years. His old office in town looks locked up and not operational. I have an email address only for him but he has not responded yet. Maybe he has retired? He is nowhere to be found on the internet.

So my situation is dire. I am alone in an empty flood damaged house. I own a share in a damaged caravan. I have my autistic son to care for and he is sick. We are sleeping on the floor. We have no furniture or refrigeration or washing machine. We own the clothes we escaped with. I have a damaged relationship with a damaged partner. I have sent two emails to her so far expressing briefly the unfortunate turn of events and said I was worried about her and would like to talk, but have had no response.

I am in another one of those mega break ups where it all may be over for ever. I sensed in the night my son returned that she thought I had lied to her and knew exactly when he would be returning. This is untrue. No point trying to prove otherwise. I don’t know what the future will be. Either for me or her. I am hanging on by a thread. Every minute seems a struggle. There is so much work to do. I am trying to keep busy.

I apologise for the huge rant. If anything it has given me something to do, just to get it out. I welcome your replies. Thank you for reading this. I do read here; it has just been difficult to post. Hope you are doing somewhat better in these difficult times.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[healthfreedom4s]

2020,
It is heart breaking to read your story. What you have gone thru is extremely challenging, please be compassionate to yourself.
You have really tried hard to take care of your partner - to the extent of hurting yourself, your son and most of what you have. And your efforts have not yielded the results that you wanted. It appears to me that your further efforts will make very little difference to her wellbeing.
You need to take care of yourself and your son. Please make it your first priority. Taking care of your partner appears to be beyond your control and abilities at this time. The current blown-up situation for her may well be the turning point in her life - she may help get the help she needs (or may be not). Your support/efforts seem to be just preventing her from reaching the blow up or tipping point - and it appears that you had not been able to get her on a recovery path. Your support/efforts may only be enabling her behavior and not helping her.
Please take care of yourself first.

[2020]

Thank you healthfreedom4s. Your reply and advice is very much appreciated. I feel like I have literally tried everything I could do to help her, and it has not worked. I am being cut off from her life now. Experience has taught me that she will not speak to me and ignore my distress signals. It is now the waiting game. All I can do is work on making this house liveable. We have one mattress and a set of saucepans. Electricity and water are now connected in a minimal fashion. Life is hard. My whole life has been hard! Now I sound like a person with BPD! I have just skimmed through your other posts. The separate dwelling idea is something we have tried with mixed results. It is a concept which I think may be looming on the horizon for us. Or perhaps she has amputated me for ever?

[Cat Familiar]

That all sounds devastating. 

I agree with healthfreedom that your priority is your son and yourself. It sounds like you’re making progress in having a livable house again.

Having experienced your partner’s behavior recently and over the last few years, how do you feel about your relationship going into the future?

[2020]

Hi Cat Familiar,

I am unsure what the future holds. I have spent years doing the caretaker routine to the person around me who is probably least deserving. I have cushioned her from the consequences of her own actions and it hasn’t helped. Currently I am feeling like this is likely the end of a long acquaintance. I suspect she is blaming me and/or my sons for this, and spreading the narrative to her family.

Tonight my son said, “Dad, she will be talking to you by the end of next week. I’d bet $1000 on it, but I won’t because I’d feel bad about taking your money”. I replied, “I’m not so sure about that. She is probably telling everyone that I am a violent   hole psychopath.” His response: “They’ll soon realise who the violent   hole really is”!  

Supposing she makes contact, if we resume some kind of relationship, things will need to be different. Her and I will need to live in separate homes. She cannot come back here. The police order has set this in stone as far as I can work out.

Over the years she has chiseled away all connection I have with anyone. She even managed to eliminate my eldest son from the house. She despises any interaction I have with my other son. He literally stays in his room and follows me in the kitchen when I go to make a coffee, just to have a few minutes with me. And she refers to him as my controlling wife!

Tonight I feel very alone. I will be 56 soon and unsure if I want to spend say the next 10 years being a caretaker. At least with her out of the house I can spend time with my son, take a little longer at the shop, leave my email signed in. My Son even got to hug me tonight. First time in years.

I am confused. Things have become so bad that although I am sad and frightened of the future, I feel free in other ways. Any life with her will have to be part-time after this. It may be a relationship with a long driving distance between cities. I’d like to think a compromise is possible, but you know that is not a word in the BPD dictionary! We will have to see.

[Cat Familiar]

If she returns, and you resume your relationship with a long driving distance between homes, how do you foresee this on a daily or weekly basis?

If this is the end of the road for your relationship, how do you imagine your daily life?

[2020]

I really don’t know how any of this will pan out. I just woke up dreaming of kissing her and now I feel very sad. It is like she has died. It is night time here.

The only reason I mention distance is usually when she runs away she goes interstate to her sister who she says she doesn’t get along with. After a week it becomes too much for her. She contacts me complaining about being up there, blaming her sister, her sister’s kids, or me. One time she ended up in the psych ward up there for ten days (which she said she liked). She referred to it as her ‘bubble’. Another time she asked me to come get her. One time I had an email that she was at a truck stop using a truck driver’s phone to email me and wanted to be rescued. This time I expect that due to this police order on her, she will feel like she has nowhere left to go. I think she may just stay with her sister or relocate there. She might not want to ever talk to me again in this current moment, but perhaps I will get an abusive email at some point initially.

She has moved out to her own place four times in the past seven years. In all instances she wants me there with her most of the time. It usually lasts a few months before she does a runner and wants help being extracted in the middle of the night.

If she were say 200km away, I guess I would be visiting her. She cannot come here. I would do day visits first, then try some single night sleep overs perhaps? I’d spend half my time with her. I’m sure this will go down well! Might need to figure out this boundary thing which I am clearly not good at.

At least with her own place with some distance, I am able to leave when drunken abuse becomes too much, and drive home. She doesn’t like this, but it prevents other physical violence happening.

[Cat Familiar]

Much of what you say is about what she wants and her patterns of behavior. What do you want?

[2020]

What do I want? Perhaps what we all want. I am trying to better a relationship and reverse a break up. I would like a relationship which didn’t run off the rails so frequently. I want exchanges to be more respectful. I want to feel loved and cared for. I want a companion to share the burden of life with. Someone to confide in.

I have been in these desperate situations many times. I want this to stop happening. What I want and what I currently have are worlds apart.

I am now receiving no replies or answers to my calls to her sister nearby whom was very nice to me on the weekend. This makes me worried to be honest. I don’t have a good feeling about any of this. I kind of smells like death.

If I am being given he silent treatment by both her and her family, there is little I can do. You know how a person like this operates. I have been accused of the most incredible things which have no basis in reality. Unless you are familiar with bpd traits, her portrayal of her experience, her reality, her side of the story, would be taken as truth.

If this is the end of the road for the relationship, then despite years of trying to support her or care for her, I will have failed. I will be back where I was in 2002. Sitting on my doorstep drinking coffee, alone, for five years. It is almost too much to contemplate. Not sure if I have the energy in me for this anymore.

The good thing is, she is with family. She will have to figure out some things for herself now. I expect the attention she is receiving will fade soon enough. Her struggles and issues will still be with her. I should be enjoying this reprieve. I have noticed a calmness in her absence.

[2020]

An update. This is getting very messy now. Police just rang and want to know where my partner is. I told them I didn’t know, which is the truth. I said I would contact her sister who lives locally and see if I can find out a phone number to contact her on. Just before, the police arrived here asking me if she had been back. It looks like she will be charged with breaching a prior order not to be at this house under the influence of alcohol. Also, she is being charged with breaking the caravan. The caravan paperwork is in her name so I cannot see how this will hold up in a court. You can’t be charged for breaking your own property.

Either way, it is a sad situation. They police had a mugshot of her on some paperwork. She looked frightened, scared and totally defeated. It did not even look like her. I cannot believe this is reality. It seems like a bad dream. Heaven knows how this will now play out.

I feel sad and very frightened. Frightened for her, me and the future. Thanks for listening.

[I Am Redeemed]

2020,

I have followed your story for a while now. I'm so sorry you have found yourself in this situation.

Your partner has made some very bad choices, and I understand why you have tried to shield her from them. It seems that you have come to the end of the road where you will no longer be able to mitigate the damage she does to herself, to you, to your family, and to property that you/she owns

You cannot keep advocating for healing for someone who isn't participating in it.

I know you want her to be okay and to get better. When you want that more than she does, it's not productive.

There is a difference between supporting and enabling. Supporting means a secondary role while the person takes responsibility for their own recovery. Enabling means orchestrating life so that the person suffers less from the consequences of their own choices.

I am afraid you are in a position where you might be restricted from cushioning the blows for her anymore, and that's hard. It's not easy to let go of control of another person's consequences when we feel overly responsible for that person because we believe we are more mentally stable than they are.

Do you believe you have the power to navigate her into the proper path to healing and recovery?

Do you feel obligated to keep trying?

Her sister is a psychiatrist at a mental health facility. Did she give you any insight on what it might take for her sister to accept and stick with appropriate mental health treatment?

[2020]

Thank you for your reply and insight into my troubled world.

Her sister whom I visited on the weekend (not the psychiatrist) just spoke to me at length on the phone. She has been trying to contact my partner but feels she is being avoided because my partner thinks she will be judged by her. She then asked me directly whether she has ever had any mental health diagnosis as she has never openly discussed anything with her. I told her my take on it.

Upfront I mentioned I was not qualified to diagnose her, but two professionals had insinuated that it could be bpd. I told her that I first became aware of this in 2018 after we returned from Europe. I told her the books I had read in an attempt to help her (I Am Redeemed, I can see a problem here as I write, and that is the idea of help and support). I mentioned as much of my history with her as I thought necessary. The doctors I spoke to, the counsellors, the books I had read, the forum here. She then mentioned rehab. She asked whether my partner had ever considered that. I replied that there was some talk about detoxing in the past but nothing eventuated. I could add more, but you know the story already.

She assured me that she believed me and said my partner was lucky to have such a good friend. She said as her sister, she had observed things prior to us meeting so understood this. She said that she would try to speak to my partner and contact the police with her whereabouts. She said she would telephone later and keep me up to date.

So your questions… no I do not have power over her decisions or actions. I have told her frequently in recent times that there were potential problems looming. I was encouraging her to simply make ONE appointment with her doctor. “Just go in and say, I am having difficulty with my alcohol consumption. I need help.” But she never did that despite a recent comment that she will address it.

Do I feel obligated to keep trying? I want her to get better but I don’t know what else I can do. Perhaps nothing. Perhaps it is now a case of trying to look after myself?

I told her sister that the future looks bleak for us. I said it would be sad not to see her sister and her partner again whom I had only recently got to know. She said “why would that happen”? I said because my partner would flip if she thought I had contact with you. She said she thought she SHOULD tell her that I had visited and that I was concerned. She asked my consent to do this, which I gave.

I don’t know what more I can do? I will just have to observe from a distance and see what eventuates via her sister. This time will be a long time. I need to rest, that I do know. I hold no hatred towards her; I just feel sadness.

[babyducks]

hello 2020,

clearly you are going through some extraordinarily difficult times.    I'm sorry you are experiencing these multiple challenges all at once.     it must be terribly hard.

What do I want? Perhaps what we all want. I am trying to better a relationship and reverse a break up. I would like a relationship which didn’t run off the rails so frequently. I want exchanges to be more respectful. I want to feel loved and cared for. I want a companion to share the burden of life with. Someone to confide in.

I have been in these desperate situations many times. I want this to stop happening. What I want and what I currently have are worlds apart.

these are worthy goals.    quite something to shoot for.   still,  it seems to me that the difficulty is translating these goals into actual tangible concrete actions.   would you agree?    

it seems fair to me to say that all your previous attempts to help her have not been productive.     from what you describe,  it appears that her serious self harming event in 2019 was never really resolved in any beneficial way.    I find myself in agreement with I Am Redeemed when she says:

You cannot keep advocating for healing for someone who isn't participating in it.

I know you want her to be okay and to get better. When you want that more than she does, it's not productive.

There is a difference between supporting and enabling. Supporting means a secondary role while the person takes responsibility for their own recovery. Enabling means orchestrating life so that the person suffers less from the consequences of their own choices.

part of supporting someone is - and I know this sounds strange and counter intuitive - is allowing them to experience the results and consequences of their own actions.    perhaps that doesn't sound supportive to you.    I can understand that.     lets look at this and pull it apart some, okay?

if you want a different type of relationship, if you 'want this to stop happening', then you are going to have to change.   you.    not her.    when she makes bad choices and acts out, you chasing her and accommodating her, allows this cycle of violence and abuse to continue.   absolving her of responsibility, isn't kind, its cruel because it cheats her of her autonomy and independence.

serious question, not rhetorical;  what do you think should be the natural consequences of breaching a prior order not to be at the house under the influence of alcohol, and destroying your home?

to me, from where I sit, these are serious actions that should have serious ramifications.   everyone deserves a safe, secure home.   YOU deserve safety and secure housing.    if she isn't able to participate in that right now,   and it doesn't sound like she is able to, acknowledging that is job one in making concrete and tangible plans about your future.    this isn't to say it will always be this way.    this is a marathon not a sprint.    the first step in making things better is to come to terms with the actual practical realities facing you.    this is hard to do.    its emotional.   its painful.     its a lot hard emotional work of processing.    do you have support with that?    support just for you, not related to her?   a therapist?   counselor?    clergy?    I would suggest that before you can do anything for her, you need to get yourself  stable and into a mentally clear place about how you plan to approach this relationship.     doing the same things over and over is going to get you more of what you have already gotten.

the old saying here is if you,  we begin a journey of self improvement our partners may join us.    true, they might not, but all evidence suggests this is the best chance to improve the relationship.

lastely,  please take the legal/police orders very very seriously.   these can escalate faster than anyone can imagine.    have you gotten any legal advice of your own?

'ducks

[2020]

Thank you for your thoughtful reply babyducks.

What you are saying about this concept of support, has set in for me. I cannot, I will not sheild her from her own poor judgement and actions. I have said to her many times, “nobody is pouring that  down your throat, but you”! She will be facing court and this time I won’t be there supporting her.

In answer to your serious question; she needs to feel the consequences of her actions. I am actually quite angry about her today. I sent an email three days ago with some half  validation and an ‘I love you’. Now I am thinking what a fool I am.

I feel safe here today knowing she is far away an won’t arrive suddenly and start screaming or smashing things up. I wish this could be magically undone, but it can’t. I imagine she is blaming me for this. It may take a few more self made crisis in her life before the penny drops… if at all. I need to step back and let her sort it out.

I can well imagine how these events can be turned around and I might find myself subject to fantastic accusations which may mean more dramas for me, perhaps in court. I suspect she may try to paint herself as a victim. Presently, she is the one facing charges. The police rang me days ago; left a message with a phone number to call. I returned the call and it went to a message bank for a victims of domestic violence counselling service.

How the hell two people can be planting daffodils at midday, and at midnight the police are making arrest, I don’t know. Pretty sad.

[15years]

My Son even got to hug me tonight. First time in years.

How did it feel to hug your son?

How the hell two people can be planting daffodils at midday, and at midnight the police are making arrest, I don’t know. Pretty sad.

Are you ignoring problems that already existed in the 'planting daffodils' stage?  

I know it's sad and I relate. It feels very dark afterwards.

[2020]

It felt sad hugging my son. He lay on his bed and I held him and patted his back. He told me he liked it. He has been waiting seven years for that. He has been staying in his room. Everytime I make a coffee and walk past his door, he stops what he is doing and talks to me in the kitchen. This happens three times a day. Then he gets to go to the supermarket around 6pm. This gives him maybe an hour with me. The sarcasm I receive for doing this has been constant. She calls him ‘my wife’. Says I would rather be in a relationship with him than her. You know the pattern…

Today things feel extra dark. I was emailing my sister, the vet, about how ill we have been. She suggested taking a rapid antigen test. I had a box of them in the car which my partner was given free a month ago. I conducted a test and I am Covid positive. Neither my son or I are vaccinated. He is asleep currently. I will test him soon but I would say this is his illness too. Extreme kidney pain. Going to try lay down. What else can go wrong I wonder? I guess enjoy the daffodils while you can, because they may not be around for long.

[15years]

Everytime I make a coffee and walk past his door, he stops what he is doing and talks to me in the kitchen. This happens three times a day. Then he gets to go to the supermarket around 6pm. This gives him maybe an hour with me. The sarcasm I receive for doing this has been constant. She calls him ‘my wife’. Says I would rather be in a relationship with him than her. You know the pattern…

I guess you want to spend time with your children not just to avoid her. So if you do that and it starts an argument, you know that she is wrong. If you avoid triggering her all the time, the arguments more often occurs when you have lost your patience and sense of reality.

Avoiding trouble like this compromises your reality.

This is also a reminder for myself.

[babyducks]

hello again 2020,

I'm sorry to hear that you are sick.   that is so terribly unfortunate.    are you pushing fluids?    drinking as much as you can?

I sent an email three days ago with some half   validation and an ‘I love you’. Now I am thinking what a fool I am.

be kind to yourself.     you deserve it.   validation is hard.   its so difficult, that people write entire books about it.   for me, validation does not mean smoothing over,  placating, or glossing over.    for me, validation is honest.  "You are right, partners name,  some horrible things have happened and it will take a big effort to make things change."    that's honest and its validating.    part of validating is listening to what we are being told without trying to ~fix~ it or make it all better.

I feel safe here today knowing she is far away and won’t arrive suddenly and start screaming or smashing things up.

this is important.   very important.    your safety and the safe living conditions you are able to create for your son are very important.   I'm not sure of the age of your son?   you mentioned that your son's worker was there for some of this latest event?   is the worker some one provided by an agency?     is she/he a mandated reporter of violence?   what the worker was told and witnessed, is there a chance that information is going to end up doing further damage?   from what you write in your first post, this is the second time your son has attacked your partner is a physical way, correct?

violence escalates.   its almost never a one and done thing.   once the threshold of violence has been breached its easier for it to happen again.  and when it does happen again its worse.

The police rang me days ago; left a message with a phone number to call. I returned the call and it went to a message bank for a victims of domestic violence counselling service.

I'm glad you called.  that was a good thing to do.   I hope you left a message?   I am really going to urge you to  make a good solid connection with this service.   I know right now you have a lot going on and this is a tough phone call to make but please reach out.   you need help addressing the amount of physical violence going on in your household.    

I wish this could be magically undone, but it can’t.

I understand the desire.   I certainly do.   Still, the only way out of this is to face it square on.   and that is hard work.    and it takes time and effort.     the more support you can put in your corner the better it will be.   there is a lot of rebuilding  that has to be done.

I can well imagine how these events can be turned around and I might find myself subject to fantastic accusations which may mean more dramas for me, perhaps in court. I suspect she may try to paint herself as a victim. Presently, she is the one facing charges

I was more thinking of your son.   if I am understanding things correctly (and please tell me if I have it wrong)   you are the responsible adult charged with providing living quarters for your autistic son.    you are legally obligated with housing him?   and you stopped him from taking steps to remove your partner from the house after he knocked her to the ground?  

this is one of the reasons I am strongly encouraging you to contact the domestic violence service.    it very much seems to me that you need professional help making everyone's safety a priority.  

'ducks

[2020]

Hello babyducks. You have asked a few questions here.

I have been very sick but trying to drink water frequently. Had extreme lower back pain but hot bath helps.

The validation has always been tricky. Usually I just reflect what she is expressing and add something about how I wouldn’t like that; nobody would. I mean most of the time it is some crazy   . Tonight I couldn’t be bothered thinking about her much. Where is SHE when I am sick? She has removed me from her life at this point. There has been no communication since her arrest. If I look at this sensibly, I have got rid of her  bull , whilst she would be drinking herself into oblivion tonight, talking nonsense and being a nuisance.

My sons worker is a friend of his prior to working with him. It is a casual kind of set up. He takes my son out a couple of days a week. They play tennis, do grafitti, go for walks. He drives my son to his mother’s sometimes. He saw the drama that night. He told my son later that he had a girlfriend like that. I don’t think there is a chance of him reporting.

Yes, my son has attacked her a couple of times. Once he came into the bedroom after he heard her throwing a plate of curry I had cooked at me. She was yelling at him and he barged in and grabbed her around the neck. It was terrible. They do not like each other at all. He is 21 now. She has known him since he was a little boy. She is pretty bad at calling him names. And he imitates her voice in a bad way. Both of my sons are a major threat to her and she wants them gone. She does this with her own son’s girlfriend too. And my sister.

I did leave a message with that domestic violence victim service, but they haven’t returned the call. I’ll try again after the easter break.

I am uncertain where this will end up. It depends on this court ruling and whether my partner seeks help this time, or carries on as usual. From what I understand about BPD, there is a chance she will contact me again. This time, I have more of a ‘I don’t give a   ‘ attitude than I used to. It will be interesting to know who she will dump all her ‘feelings’ onto once I am out of the picture. Tonight I am over these malfunctioning robots!

[babyducks]

hello 2020,

I am uncertain where this will end up. It depends on this court ruling and whether my partner seeks help this time, or carries on as usual.

I can't help but notice that you described this as all about what she and/or the courts are going to do.  I am curious about one thing.   I am wondering if you had to describe your role in this - how would you describe it?    What part do you think you have played and could play in the future?    Its always difficult to describe things in small text boxes but it almost appears that you think this is entirely up to her?    Is that true?

What do you think your responsibilities are?    How do you think you might go about contributing to a safe secure home?   A better relationship with your sons? and a healthier relationship with some one who is acting out quite badly?   What steps could you take to make yourself stronger?   

I went back and read some of your posts from years ago.     I noticed this one from November 2019.    I did a little cut to make it simplier.:

She is an alcoholic and has been over the 11 years I have known her. She has some sober time six years ago when her life went to  . She was receiving counselling and was proud she had stopped drinking. This is when we became entwined on a more intimate level.

I have no issue with accepting that she is an alcoholic. I have suggested detox and rehab many times to her, as have the mental health unit not far from here but she just never seems to get that far. ...

I think realistically I can only make some changes for myself, as in, when she drinks, I will not be around her. The violence does escalate with her alcohol abuse. The problem is, as you have identified yourself, she is drinking all the time.

it very much seems to me that the problems you are describing this month are quite similar to what you described in 2019.    which makes me wonder how much hope do you hold that she will seek help.   I think its important to be realistic.   and its important to be honest about how much and how long she will have to work to change her life.   

Yes, my son has attacked her a couple of times. Once he came into the bedroom after he heard her throwing a plate of curry I had cooked at me. She was yelling at him and he barged in and grabbed her around the neck. It was terrible.

How do you feel when you write that?   as you read it back how does this impact you?     I'll be honest,   I find this deeply concerning.    you are describing a high level of dysfunction.  and a pretty high level of domestic violence.

do you think its acceptable for your son and your partner to act this like?   

'ducks 

[2020]

Thanks babyducks for heping my try figure a way through this.

I am not sure what you are asking me in your first part. I can see you are trying to suggest something to me about my role in this, but to be honest, I can’t really see what it is. Can you tell me what you mean when you say

“I can’t help notice… …that you think this is entirely up to her”.

(Sorry, I don’t know how to quote in pale yellow boxes)

I want to answer your questions, but I am unsure where you are leading me.

[2020]

Hi babyducks,

I have finally had a reasonable night’s sleep. I’ll share some thoughts in answer to your post.

Regarding my role:

My first thought is I feel powerless to have any influence over what happens from this point until the court appearance. I am stepping back currently. In the past when she has been in trouble with the police, or taken away in an ambulance, I am always there to bail her out or be with her in hospital. She has not answered my emails. I have no way to contact her, and I do not even know the address of where she is staying. Also, it may be best that she DOES experience a consequence to her actions this time. Perhaps the answer to the part I have played in the past and the future is this? Normally I will be there instantly and try to rescue her. And I guess I may still be doing that if I had some communication with her. This time she needs to figure this out.

Am I on the right path here? You see, I cannot do a thing about her arrest. And I am not the magistrate who will decide a course of action. When she was first arrested and received the order not to consume alcohol here a few months ago, she did say that she wouldn’t drink because she didn’t want to sleep in her car. Unfortunately she has been drinking here. Should I have played a more assertive role in not allowing this? I’m thinking perhaps I should have. Maybe I should have notified the police.  

I was interested to read the qoute you posted from 2019. I am not sure ‘accept’ her being an alcoholic is the right word in retrospect. I don’t find her drinking acceptable. Whether she stops drinking is anyone’s guess. She starts around midday and finishes around midnight, everyday. That will require a medically supervised detox I would have thought. On the night her first order was made, I spoke to the police and asked what would happen if she breached this. He said that a magistrate would likely direct her onto a program which looks at her drinking. I’m thinking this might happen now.

As I write, I am thinking that I should have notified the police that she was drinking here. If I had done, this situation may not have unfolded the way it has. I should have reminded my partner of the order in place. I should have asked her to leave. I should have called the police if she did not comply. Now she has a whole bigger problem to deal with. But on the other hand, shouldn’t she be held responsible? I don’t know what to think anymore. I am worn out from it all. It is a complex relationship which has been gradually shaped into this mess over time. Too many allowances, too many blind eyes turned. Too much forgiveness.

Finally some thought about the violence. No, it is not acceptable at all! I do notify my son’s therapist and see her with my son when his anger errupts into violent outbursts. She was notified in person with days of the event described. I have telephoned domestic violence helplines several times too. No, the violence really hurts. And it isn’t just the physical violence, there is the verbal and emotional violence too.

I was reading before about bpd and violence, bpd rages. In my experience, the violence can escalate rapidly once it flares up. On occasion I have thrown my partner off the bed when I was being attacked by her, in order not to be bitten. But this just makes it worse. The next day I find myself apologising and taking the blame. I rarely receive any acknowledgement of her role in any of this. When she spent some time in a mental health unit a few years ago, I did receive a lovely email where she first up wanted to apologise for her violence inflicted upon myself and my family. She did not try to give an excuse for it at all and was very aware of what had happened, and genuinely sorry.

My strategy with the looming threat of physical violence should have been to get in the car, with my son/s and leave. All my belongings at risk but at least physical harm would not be inflicted upon anybody. Either that, or asking her to leave.

Today, right now I feel I have been discarded. I see the only way I will hear from her is if she gets counselling with her drinking and has a realisation, or she spends time in hospital. I feel very sad. This current situation reminds me of when we went around europe in a car together for five weeks, then returned home to my kids and a messy house. Recently it was just her and me together alone for three weeks. We planted gardens, went out to dinner, polished the caravan, made a rock path together. And suddenly it all went to   .

Like I said, I don’t know what the future holds. I would like to think we can resume something in future, but it is looking very bleak. Is there anything I could be doing which I am not?  Thanks.

[babyducks]

hello 2020,

I am glad to see that you seem to be doing a little bit better.   I appreciate that you are working hard to dig into these posts.    Let's see what we can unpack.

Most of us arrive here with partners who have really outrageous behavior.   After all BPD is a serious mental illness.   Most of our pwBPD have such incredible over the top startling behavior it's easy for us to say 'oh if only my pwBPD would XYZ then everything would be fine'.   Still this ignores or avoids our role in this chaos.   There is a lot of truth to the saying 'it takes two to tango'.    And its always very hard to see our own stuff.   

I'm not saying we are equally to blame.    Or that blame is a particularly helpful idea in these situations.   I am saying we are playing a role, and that it is one that is usually so familiar to us as to seem - unimportant or insignificant.

You've been around for a while.   I am sure you have read posts where someone says 'my pwBPD is sure that I am cheating on them.     I've shown them my phone, my email, my social media, they know where I am 100% of the time and yet none of this has convinced them I am not cheating.'

Well No.  of course, they are not convinced you are not cheating. what you have convinced them of is that they are right to be fearful.   because all those actions have done is reinforced the idea that there is something being hidden somewhere.   after all, going to these lengths to prove innocence must  means something is really going on.

my dog used to be terrified of thunderstorms.   and the dog trainer told me - don't try and comfort the dog during a storm because all you are doing is convincing her that storms are scary.    provide the dog a safe spot, something to do, and allow her to comfort herself.   of course I am not comparing any human with my dog but the truth is the more I said 'you poor baby' and tried to sooth her the more the dog learned that storms are horrible.

so what's all this got to do with you.

I feel powerless to have any influence over what happens from this point until the court appearance.

I am going to suggest you are not powerless.  most of us are people pleasers, caretakers, or codependents to some degree.   I certainly was in my relationship with my pwBPD.    We are more than willing to give up our wants/needs/independence and boundaries to please someone else.   This rarely works because our pwBPD are needy by nature and always want more than we can give.   The more we surrender the more the relationship goes down hill.   Regardless of what the court finds or doesn't find I think there are boundaries that you could put into place that might help your situation.

In the past when she has been in trouble with the police, or taken away in an ambulance, I am always there to bail her out or be with her in hospital.

so I used the example of the guy who proves over and over he isn't cheating.   his role in that relationship is to prove he really loves his partner.   his partner's fear is that she isn't really loved so she demands he prove his loyalty, fidelity, faithfulness.  over and over again.   and this becomes a downward death spiral of 'you don't really love me, I saw you looking at the woman at the store'.   'what?  what woman at the store?  you're crazy'.    and round and round it goes.

your partner believes that she is a victim, and that everything and everyone else is responsible for how she feels.     she believes she needs a hero to come and rescue her.     and you do.   yet the more you rescue her,  the more she needs to be rescued.   this is the pattern,    the script.   this is part of the Karpman Drama Triangle which we can talk about more later if you want.   The Karpman Drama Triangle has three roles : Victim, Rescuer, Persecutor.

this is the classic definition of a Rescuer:

The Rescuer's line is "Let me help you." A classic enabler, the Rescuer feels guilty if they don't go to the rescue, and ultimately becomes angry (and becomes a Persecutor) as their help fails to achieve change. Yet their rescuing has negative effects: it keeps the Victim dependent and doesn't allow the Victim permission to fail and experience the consequences of their choices. The rewards derived from this rescue role are that the focus is taken off of the Rescuer, who can also feel good for having tried, and justified in their negative feelings (to the other actor/s) upon failing. When they focus their energy on someone else, it enables them to ignore their own anxiety and issues. This rescue role is also pivotal because their actual primary interest is really an avoidance of their own problems disguised as concern for the Victim’s needs.

 

She has not answered my emails.

Then is it time to take a break from emailing her?   At this point what is your purpose in emailing her?    why chase her?   what does this give you?

Should I have played a more assertive role in not allowing this? I’m thinking perhaps I should have. Maybe I should have notified the police.  

This is a very good question.        Let's talk this through.      You mentioned you also have some type of PO against you.    and you seem pretty clear that violence breaks out when there is drinking in the house.   I really like the idea of you taking your son and leaving at the first sign of things getting out of hand.   that removes both you and him from the potential violence and puts you in control of where you go and what you experience.     you are not powerless.    you have choices and options.    in the event you described in this thread, when your son turns up, your partner has been drinking and your son runs down the street; that was a decision point.    waiting and hoping for your partner to pass out and your son to calm down - in hindsight - that doesn't look like the best decision.   what do you think?

Whether she stops drinking is anyone’s guess.

She might not.    some alcoholics don't.   what do you want to do if she continues to drink?   what do you think you should do?

Finally some thought about the violence. No, it is not acceptable at all! I do notify my son’s therapist and see her with my son when his anger erupts into violent outbursts.

I am glad to hear you say this.    What advice has your son's therapist provided?  Its certainly not fair to your partner that your son attacks her, regardless of how she provokes him.    She might be pushing and pushing emotionally on the people around her until she provokes them but you and your son are still responsible for NOT resorting to violence.   Not putting your foot through the cupboard door in frustration.  You are responsible for not letting the frustration and anger build to that point.    make sense?

Today, right now I feel I have been discarded. I see the only way I will hear from her is if she gets counselling with her drinking and has a realisation, or she spends time in hospital.

You can't really know what she is going to do.   No one can predict the future.   Still I think it is fair to say that she doesn't have many options does she?    She is used to you providing for her and enabling her drinking patterns.    She is used to you coming to the rescue when the money runs out or when she needs a place to stay.    The caravan is still in her name and in your driveway?     There is still this pending legal situation.    Chances are she will show up and fall back into her  old role of being the Victim.    You do have choices about falling into your old role of Rescuer or trying new ways to Actively Problem Solve.

'ducks

[2020]

Thank you for taking time to compose these detailed and thoughtful replies, babyducks. This is really very helpful.

I think you have highlighted an important issue. Our role in the relationship with a person with bpd. The hardest part is trying to get ones’ head around the idea that what we think is help, is not necessarily helping. I have really struggled with this. I like doing things for people. I am going to think about this word ‘help’. Perhaps for a while I will stop using it. I will start thinking about ‘support”, not what I think is ‘help’.

Your example of fidelity is something common on this website. I have been accused of this frequently and I made the mistake of providing evidence to calm her fears. The allegations continued. About the only thing I have found which moves the topic on is to ask her, “what makes you say that?”

With the emails: I have emailed her twice. On the Sunday after the Friday she was arrested, and on the Monday. They were both very short emails asking her if she was ok and could we talk. I sent another email this Friday only because of the covid positive test result and I thought it was important for her to know as she ought to consider testing. I am not at this point going to email her further. I have sent multiple emails in the past, but this time I am changing the dynamic. I’ll only push her further away.

To be honest, I have almost zero hope that she will contact me again. She has walked away and left her belongings here. I am expecting her to send around one of her brothers to get her belongings, or her sister she is staying with, accompanied by the police. I expect there may be a scene or a drama to be made out of this. Further, I would not be surprised if she has told people I am keeping her things. The caravan has been something extra I didn’t really need on my plate right now. She needs to transfer the registration from the pervious owner’s state, but because of the recent event, it has not happened. It is a constant sad reminder of her on the front lawn.

The drinking is something I cannot do much about. She will drink regardless of the fact that I choose not to, regardless of whether I drive her to a shop to buy it or not. I do not like watching her poison her body and brain. And I don’t like being on the receiving end of alcohol fueled boderline rage. A decade ago, an addiction counsellor suggested to me that I needed to say to my friend (my partner), that I won’t be your drinking buddy, and as soon as you open a bottle, I’m out of here! I think there is a lot of wisdom in this. There really can never be another time where we are in each others company if alcohol is involved. Will this change her? Maybe not. But it will protect me from the consequences of her drinking. The real question is, do I really want a relationship like this? A morning only part time relationship because she chooses the bottle over me?

This is going on a bit, so please excuse my meandering. My son definitely has problems controlling his emotions. He is very Autistic and on top of the Autism, he has his own abandonment issues. His mother, who I suspect is also bpd, took him to live with her in a different state when he was very young. She is a pretty scarey woman and I did not stand up to her as I should have. Whilst living with her he was sexually abused next door a frightening amount of times. He is a very damaged young man. It only came out that this had occurred after an incident between my partner and him a few years ago where he was yelling he was going to kill her. When I took him into his room and scolded him he began sobbing and I said, “what the hell is going on”? That is when he told me. So he has had counselling for the sexual abuse and the Autism. He has a very good therapist who is working through this with him. He pretty much only feels safe with me. I am sure you can imagine how him and his needs and my partner and her needs would clash.

My son sees his therapist monthly. I am going see if she can see him more frequently. Each session begins with both my son and I in the room with the therapist for 10 minutes. This is to catch up on events since the last meeting. I have never not mentioned an event where my son has been involved with a agry or violent outburst. He knows full well I will mention things and he doesn’t necessarily like it. He then gets 40 minutes to speak with the therapist and we have 10 minutes together at the end.

What I am thinking is my partner and I need a therapist we see together. Yes I have read some horror stories on here about therapists who have no idea about bpd, or bpd partners deciding the therapist is against them etc. Not sure how this would work? Maybe I should just find my own therapist. I think the overall theme of how I should proceed going into the future is to let my partner figure out her own stuff. She is difficult to collaborate with at times.

No, she doesn’t have many options. She is likely with a sister whom she does not trust or even like a great deal. She will probably feel better about being closer to her son, but I think he needed that distance. Yes, there are a lot of loose ends here to be tidied up. Her belongings, the caravan etc. Maybe things will be left here so she has a ticket back in? She cannot come back here, according to the police order. And it would be a really bad idea even if she could. But like I said, I seriously think she has discarded me this time for good. It is unlikely she will take on any of the blame for what happened. She will be getting a lot out of telling whoever will listen to her, that I am an abusive psychopath who held her prisoner in a bedroom for years. I mean, when will she change that view of me? I am painted black here! And I mean black hole black.

Last night I received a message from her sister close by. She said she was sorry to hear I was sick and asked if I needed them to bring me anything. She said she has been unable to get through to the sister where my partner is staying. She left a message that she would try again today. She said she would try and speak to her and find out what is going on.

I still have no idea how this will turn out. Ten days of silence. A fourteen year connection. It feels very much like she has pulled the plug on it all. I don’t have much hope.

[babyducks]

hello 2020,

I only have a few minutes before I need to launch into my day, but I did want to continue our conversation. 

She has walked away and left her belongings here. I am expecting her to send around one of her brothers to get her belongings, or her sister she is staying with, accompanied by the police. I expect there may be a scene or a drama to be made out of this.

if you expect there may be a scene or drama than wouldn't it be a good idea to make a plan on how to avoid this?    wouldn't it be wise to come up with a strategy on how to approach this to protect everyone involved?

if I understand right, she left with just the clothes on her back.    she is going to need a change of clothing and her phone if she doesn't already have it.     what do you think about packing up some of her things and giving them to which ever family member could get them to her quickly and without drama.

I'd like to encourage you to think of this period of no contact as a cooling off period.    this allows the heavy (and violent) emotions to clear and for hopefully cooler heads to prevail.    this is a time when you both should be calming down and returning to baseline.

if you pack up and deliver some of her more important belongings to her - you can't be accused of holding her things hostage.

The real question is, do I really want a relationship like this? A morning only part time relationship because she chooses the bottle over me?

Do you ?    What exactly are you getting out of this relationship 2020?   what keeps you hanging on so tightly?    I believe its possible to develop an addiction to the adrenaline and the excitement that these relationships provide.    When I was with my (now Ex) pwBPD, it was almost like I became addicted to her.

She cannot come back here, according to the police order.

you've mentioned this a few times.    are you under the impression she is going to respect the police order?   that seems quite unlikely.   do you have the internal fortitude to enforce the police order if she just shows up?

I'm going to encourage you to be more proactive about things.    and to create a detailed safety plan now, while things are calm.    perhaps a moderator will show up with the link to safety planning.   you may never need your safety plan but better to have it, than to try to respond on the fly when emotions are heated.

'ducks

[2020]

Thanks for taking the time to write again.

I did not hear from her sister who lives close by today. I will send her a message tomorrow. If she actually gets to speak with my partner, then I could pack her clothes into a couple of crates and take them to her sisters house. Her glasses are here and her phone. All her make up. There are things here I could drop of to the sister nearby. Then she could be told they are there and she could pick them up when she feels up to it. There are other items here which will need a bit more organising. Larger things. And this caravan. There are plastic crates of mud filled objects we were trying to save. That will need more time.

You seem quite sure she is likely to just show up here. I am not convinced. I think she has decided that by getting rid of me, her life will have less dramas. Yes, I have thought the end was nigh before, but this time it feels very different. It isn’t exactly easy when I don’t know where she is, can’t write a letter to her, not sure she is checking emails. Even her sister cannot make contact with her via the sister’s phone she is probably staying with. It just drives me mental. This is like, completely no contact. Not even a rude email from her!

So what is the fascination? Why hang on? Probably because we are not conventional people. We are outsiders; black sheep. We don’t fit the norm. We share ideas which most people would find odd. Neither of us are inspired much by modern ‘culture’. We find value in old obsolete technologies. We do things by hand. We are artists, or rather antiartists. We are eccentric. Odd. We live in our own little world of make belief. We do the opposite of what everyone else does. We were friends for years before we were sexually intimate or whatever. This has been a gradual connection which has taken a long time to develop. And this is what is frustrating when she shuts down and I do not know if she is serious or not. Yes I know, it is mental health. I just find the silent treatment cruel, and cowardly actually. Like running away rather than facing things. Also, she is my muse. I have several years of drawings of the two of us. Hundreds of illustrations. I actually value this role. Yeah, I am sure most people would think this is madness. Look, I will be 56 in a week. I don’t have time to wait for muses to fall out of the sky. I waited six years on my doorstep for the current one to appear.

Anyway, the police order. Yes, she might just ignore it. She ignored the last one regarding alcohol. I am just not so sure she will show up here. I honestly feel this time, it is bridge burning season! She would be extremely hurt right now. I shall see what the morning brings. Thanks.

[babyducks]

hello 2020,

I hope you are feeling better?    starting to recover a little from your recent illness?

You seem quite sure she is likely to just show up here.

well No, not really.   I am pretty convinced that people with BPD are impulsive in ways that are usually destructive.     What you write indicates she is being very self destructive with no indications that she is stopping that pattern.

you've gone through the LESSONS that are part of this board?    There is a thread that is pinned to the top of this board 'LESSONS' that contains a lot of important information.     This is from one of the links there:

Realistic Expectations: A person with BPD is emotionally underdeveloped and does not have "adult" emotional skills - especially in times of stress.  If you are in this type of relationship it is important to have realistic expectations for what the relationship can be in terms of consistent respect, trust and support, honesty and accountability, and in terms of negotiation and fairness, or expectations of non-threatening behavior.  It is important to accept the relationship behavior for what it is - not hope the person will permanently return to the idealization phase, not accept the external excuses for the bad behavior, and not hope that changing your behavior to heal someone else.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-does-it-take-be-relationship

This is one of my favorite quotes from this site.   Being realistic, the relationship you are describing right now is very toxic, with violence and unchecked addictions, verbal and emotional abuse and isolation and alienation.    I want to encourage you to think of ways that you can improve these conditions.   You.   Not her.    What kind of skills and tools do you need, or need to improve so this relationship is not so destructive.

Look, I will be 56 in a week. I don’t have time to wait for muses to fall out of the sky. I waited six years on my doorstep for the current one to appear.

You can't know where or when your next muse will appear.     This sounds like a fallacy to keep you exactly where you are.     There are always a lot of reasons to stay or to go, and they are always uniquely personal.    Staying does require a great deal of strength and emotional stability.    If you chose this path, you've got to be very strong and very balanced.    Its important to develop the resilience to not be emotionally injured or consumed by the relationship, confused by the intense rages and idealization.  If you chose this path, you've got to be very strong and very balanced.

The silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse.   It does create emotional injury.    Unfortunately, this is what your partner does.    What are you doing in return?    What are you doing to heal this emotional injury?    Are you eating?  real food?  something healthy?   drinking plenty of fluids?    moving around as much as you can?   getting out of the house and getting some sunlight?   

when I was with my Ex, I became overly focused on her, what she wanted, what she was doing, what she might do.    In the end I was twisted up like a pretzel and fixated on her.     I was not balanced.     Is there something you can do today to balance yourself?

'ducks

[2020]

Hello,

I am not as sick with this virus as I was a few days ago. Normally, I do eat well. I cook nice meals. I was just remembering how I would spend two hours in the kitchen making a curry, chutney, and breads, only to have my partner not eat it. A lot of the time she was happy to just have beer for dinner. And I would wait until midnight until she had her last drink, for us to eat. She would complain how hungry she was even though I had asked her when she would like to have dinner.

I am starting to see a lot of behaviour from this 12 day distance, which I don’t like. Not getting drawn into her drama and trying to not take her verbal attacks to heart, has meant accepting her abuse and just putting up with it. I’m sure if we connected again, she would be the same.

I can see the importance of changing ourselves, not them, and realising that our change in the way we conduct ourselves, may not change them. Maybe they can’t change, or won’t. The question is, do we accept this?

Things are looking bleak here from my side. I don’t think I will hear from her again. I know her well enough to see that she would see this arrest as an unforgiveable betrayal on my part, complete abandonment, something I orchestrated, and a choice I made to have a relationship with my violent son, rather than her. When you put this together with her telling her large family that she has been held prisoner and abused by me for the past seven years, there is little hope of this continuing. If my sister came to me and said these things, I would be shocked and want her to keep away. I wouldn’t think that she is speaking through the lens of a complex personality disorder. And that is the sad thing. The person who was the nicest to her and gave her everything, is now being seen as a serial killer by people, some of whom have never met me.

My realistic expectations are, she is not coming back. She has flushed 14 years down the toilet. It is gone. That is what I feel today. And I feel sad and also angry. Angry at her. Angry at myself for allowing her to change me, my relationship to my family, my priorities to suit her anxiety and fears. Little by little she chipped away at this.

In the first three weeks of her moving in, she told me I was in a relationship with the mother of my boys. This is someone I had not lived with since 2002, then 12 years ago. I was shocked, saddened and distressed. We went to a relationship counsellor and she repeated it, she actually repeated it there. What can I do about that? The confusion for me was not whether I believed I was intimately involved with my ex, but whether she actually believed it. This madness only became worse. Often when I leave the house to do something rather mundane, like buy some more coffee, that will become some sexual interaction with somebody. But I have mentioned this all before, and I have read others’ having this issue too.

So yes, I could focus on the lessons. Try and change the way I act. I could do that. I could do that without any expectation that she will do anything on her side. The problem I have is, I have zero hope she will contact me ever again. So what would be the point? It would be like studying Latin hoping the planet will adapt it as the main language. It’s just not going to happen.

I will have to just shift my focus. What else can I do? I am seeing a few things now for what they are. I was being verbally abused daily, called a loser, told I was this or that, being rejected. I am wondering why or how I eneded up in a situation so miserable.

My Son knows I am sad. He said he is sorry. Sorry for coming home and ruining my relationship with my partner. I feel sad he thinks this way. He is a lot of work for me, but nothing in comparison to my partner. Not even sure she is a partner anymore.

If something shifts, and we start talking again, I am going to have to tread very carefully. It is not eggshells we are talking about, it is a minefield. Perhaps her little well of focus and attention will run dry in the next month or so. I can’t see how she will fill the void of the role I was playing. That said, I have virtually no hope of her and I speaking again.

[babyducks]

Hello 2020

I am starting to see a lot of behaviour from this 12 day distance, which I don’t like.

I understand.    sometimes having the time and distance, to get out of the daily crisis, helps us to identify just how truly distorted things have gotten.   as I look back now, it seems to me I was always living on a powder keg, never sure when or where the next explosion was coming from.


 

I can see the importance of changing ourselves, not them, and realising that our change in the way we conduct ourselves, may not change them. Maybe they can’t change, or won’t. The question is, do we accept this?

for me, this isn't a simple yes or no question.    there is a lot of nuance and complexity to the answer.    my pwBPD can be a wonderful person.   she also has a lot of mental health challenges.   (Diagnosed Bipolar 1 and BPD)    the bottom line for us was that her mental health issues made the relationship untenable, unsustainable.    for me, there was no practical way to be in a relationship with someone who ended the relationship every 6 months.

Things are looking bleak here from my side. I don’t think I will hear from her again. I know her well enough to see that she would see this arrest as an unforgiveable betrayal on my part, complete abandonment, something I orchestrated, and a choice I made to have a relationship with my violent son, rather than her.

I am sorry this is playing out this way for you.   I know it is uncomfortable to experience.   somewhere on this website there is a thread about how we 'crave a relationship that may not even be available to us'.    true words.   for me,  it was just not possible to be in any type of relationship with my Ex.   too much damage, too much instability, too many negatives, not enough positives.

My realistic expectations are, she is not coming back. She has flushed 14 years down the toilet. It is gone. That is what I feel today. And I feel sad and also angry. Angry at her. Angry at myself for allowing her to change me, my relationship to my family, my priorities to suit her anxiety and fears. Little by little she chipped away at this.


I will have to just shift my focus. What else can I do? I am seeing a few things now for what they are. I was being verbally abused daily, called a loser, told I was this or that, being rejected. I am wondering why or how I ended up in a situation so miserable.

Have you thought about maybe posting on the detaching board?    There is a different focus there, a different perspective.   You don't have to, of course.   You can post wherever you feel most comfortable.   

On detaching the dynamics of an abusive relationship can be explored.    How the actual mechanics of abuse works.   How all the power and control gradual shifts to the abuser.     and why it is so hard to recognize abuse.     why it is so hard to break away from it.

there is something called the Stockholm Syndrome - which is a fancy way of saying how a victim becomes psychologically attached to the abuser or hostage taker.  Stockholm syndrome is an emotional response. It happens to some abuse and hostage victims when they have positive feelings toward an abuser or captor.    some times you can hear the term trauma bond.    pretty much the same thing.   it refers to the survival strategy of over identifying with some one as a protection mechanism.    maybe you might want to look into that?

I hope you continue to feel better from your bout with Covid.   When I had it last summer it took me about 2 weeks to start to bounce back.

'ducks

[2020]

Hello, and thank you again for sticking with me on this.

Today it is two weeks since the incident and a week since covid. I’d rather have covid any old day. Seriously though, I can’t see what else I can do at this point. Yes, I get that this was a dynamic. But when I think back over the past few years, it was her, not I, which rode in vehicles with sirens on them every couple of months or so. I wasn’t throwing food around the bedroom or breaking imacs every six months. I don’t know. The level of emotional dysregulation was extreme.

I emailed my aunty in the UK who has met my parner before, and likes her. She has been aware of the struggles going on in recent years. She replied to my message saying that it might be best being by myself than living among the chaos. She suggested hitting myself in the head with a baseball bat and cutting out the middleman!  Another thing she said was “ Who breaks up their own home after surviving a flood? Do you really want to live with a person like that? If you sh** on your own doorstep you are an idiot.”

I guess I am getting some feedback to think about. It feels like I was living under a dictatorship of sorts. All I can do is try to get a bit better from this virus and keep busy. Two weeks you say? I have another week to go.

I have looked at the other boards here. I get what you are saying. Maybe I do need to fit in somewhere else? I just don’t know how this will end. I half expect in a period of time, she will continue the way she has, drinking and having mental health issues, and I may even get an email of sorts. I know I am not perfect, but I don’t know of anyone else who would put up with her dysfunctional behaviour. I don’t know how I’ll procede if she does make contact.

Despite the misery of my existence, I am enjoying the break from the insanity.

[babyducks]

But when I think back over the past few years, it was her, not I, which rode in vehicles with sirens on them every couple of months or so. I wasn’t throwing food around the bedroom or breaking imacs every six months. I don’t know. The level of emotional dysregulation was extreme.

Yes.    You're right.    the level of emotional dysregulation was extreme.   Like I mentioned earlier my Ex was diagnosed Bipolar 1 and BPD.  I don't think I said that she had spent years under the care of a very good psychiatric team.   She was compliant with medication and committed to therapy.  Had done DBT which is considered the gold standard for BPD.    Actually, she clinically didn't meet the criteria for BPD any longer in that she didn't self harm and wasn't actively suicidal.    Still she did become psychotic.    that is where the name borderline comes from - being on the border of psychosis and neurosis.    I've told this story here before but when psychotic my Ex believed that the wind was communicating with her.   Telling her where to go.    So in the car she would take her hands off the steering wheel and 'allow' the wind to steer the car.   even with all the treatment she received, and was open to receiving the dysregulations came every 3 or 4 months.

I just don’t know how this will end. I half expect in a period of time, she will continue the way she has, drinking and having mental health issues, and I may even get an email of sorts. I know I am not perfect, but I don’t know of anyone else who would put up with her dysfunctional behaviour. I don’t know how I’ll procede if she does make contact.

well, it is usually impossible to predict these things with any accuracy but it seems to me she still has a lot of items with you.    a lot of personal items, clothes, glasses, the caravan.   it does seem likely that it will take some contact to get those items sorted.    I'm sure contact will stir up a lot of emotions for you.   It would have too.    with all the unresolved issues there is bound to be a lot of tension.    I would suggest that if contact occurs to keep it short and simple.   an hour or two no more.    and simple and practical - no long circular discussions about 'the state of the relationship' or 'who is to blame'.    those conversations are never productive and only raise the emotional temperature.     simple.   short.     if the contact starts to become heated or go off the rails - end it.    say something  simple.   something like 'I need to stop for now' and get up and leave.

you've spent years helping her, pointing out her need for help, going to hospitals and off in cars with flashing red lights.   and look what all that has accomplished.     pretty much nothing.    so, the expectation that she will continue to drink and have mental health issues is more than reasonable.

hope yo continue to feel better.

'ducks

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[2020]

Thank you again for your input. It is helping me navigate this difficult time.

I spent the day in bed today. It is my birthday. I wasn’t sure what to expect from my partner(?), but I have not received an email and I doubt I will. She would be aware it is my birthday and intentionally not saying anything. I always went to a huge effort for her birthday. I don’t really care much for my own birthday, but I felt extra lonely and depressed today. Not hearing a thing from her has really made me realise she has no intention of being connected to me on any level. Any dreams I thought we had together were all just one sided wishful thinking. When it came down to it, she really believed the bs which she manufactured in her messed up brain. I was never going to be believed nor trusted with anything. 

I still don’t know how this will play out. I doubt she is coming back this time. And if she thinks she might, she will be surprised. I won’t allow myself to be treated like crap again by a drunken monster who has made no effort to even acknowledge her addiction problem, nor her mental health. In the meantime I am occupying myself with cleaning up the home here.

[babyducks]

Happy Birthday 2020,

I know that this birthday wasn't what you wanted it be.    Still it is an accomplishment isn't it?   You do have achievements to recognize no matter how small.   Look at all you have gone through and now you are starting to come out the other side.   It might be trite to say but - first day of your new life !

I still don’t know how this will play out. I doubt she is coming back this time. And if she thinks she might, she will be surprised. I won’t allow myself to be treated like crap again by a drunken monster who has made no effort to even acknowledge her addiction problem, nor her mental health.

it always feels disappointing when our partners struggle with mental health issues.    after all it seems so very clear to us.    if you have struggles and challenges go get help and do something about them.    and when it doesn't work that way,  which it almost never does,  we get disappointed and frustrated.

truthfully that disappointment and frustration is about us, not them.    those are our emotions to handle, cope with.      it was explained to me a long time ago that our emotions come from what we think about things.    and that if we want to feel differently - we have to think differently.    that's a complicated idea but so very true.     how I feel about my Ex really comes from how I think about that relationship.    if I think 'oh she broke my heart and ruined my life' then I am going to feel pretty miserable.    but if I think 'that was a very challenging relationship that had amazing highs and lows which taught me a lot about life', I am more able to see the good in what we shared.

its fairly rare for people on the BPD spectrum to seek help.   they have a disease that tells them they don't have a disease.    this is also true of addictions.   its very hard to honestly face truth like this for all of us.    heck,   I know I am not supposed to eat that chocolate donut - that its not good for me, but do you think I can walk by it ?   heck no.    the amount of will power, personal courage and fortitude involved in seeking help is no small thing.    perhaps you remember how  difficult it was to make your first post here?   even cloaked in anonymity?

if she does turn up again how would you not allow yourself to be treated poorly?  what would you do different?   what boundaries do you think you would need?

'ducks

[2020]

Well Babyducks (and anyone else reading), she did contact me. Took about 10 weeks or so. There was a week or so of silence after the random late night phone call, then another phone call, then long daily calls of several hours.

Of course I was happy to hear from her. She moved into a self contained room in a house interstate. We reconnected and I have been driving 200km or so each way every week since. I stay with her several days, then return home.

It was all ‘nice’ for a short while. She had to go to court over the incident which led to the break. I helped her with that best I could. I probably shouldn’t have as it was me protecting her from the consequences of her own actions. Let’s say “she defended herself well”. Got away with a good behaviour order for 12 months.

There has been some pleasant enough times together. Going out to dinner, camping, going for long drives together. But her BPD issues are there festering. Some huge dysregulations have happened. Breaking of appliances, throwing glasses, telling me to leave in the middle of the night. A couple of rides in vehicles with flashing lights too!

She completely ruined her relationship with her only child after several late night drunken abusive phone calls about his choice of partner. She even rang his girlfriend’s mother and was very nasty to her. This has resulted in her son cutting all contact with his own monther over the past six months. No doubt this makes her feel very alone and abandoned, but what can one expect?

Me driving back and forth has been difficult. Not only on her, but my son too as well as myself. I feel constantly exhausted from all of this. She hates where she is living and keeps saying she wants to come home. There is no way she can come back here though. I would prefer if she were closer, but not too close that she could knock at the door drunk and cause trouble.

Currently she is doing the silent treatment again, this time over the purchase of an electric toothbrush. It appears I have given her conflicting data over whether I purchased it, or my son purchased it for me. So now I am a liar. It is not easy being totally honest around her as I fear setting her off. I guess this is something I have to sort out.

We were to go camping this weekend. She is not answering my calls or messages. I don’t even know for sure where she is. I suspect she may have gone to her sisters house. Her sister calls in on her after work most days. I am not going to make the 5 hour round trip to no avail. I have left messages suggesting we ought to talk. I suspect this might be another one of those long gaps of silence.

You know, I was almost getting my   together last year. Now I am back being her unpaid carer. She was almost considering therapy two weeks ago. I think my best way forward here is not to go completely mental over her well-being as I have in the past. She knows I think we should discuss this. Perhaps I’ll be contacted sooner than I think.

I haven’t posted here for quite some time although I do read here often! Hope you are all doing well…

[15years]

I remember your story from reading it last year. Sad to hear you're once again having a tough time. Do you feel that you cannot abandon her, because you are the only one who puts up with her?

[2020]

Thanks for your reply and questions. Yes I do feel sorry for her. I don’t know why I persist with this ‘project’ of mine. The ‘love bombing’ must have been an efficient operation!

I really do believe that I have to take responsibilty for this. I can’t change her, and if I were frank about it, I might not be interested in her if she were more stable. There is something attractive to ‘crazy’. Look at Jack Nicholson. He made a career out of losing it on screen.

At 57 I think I am stuck with this now. I wonder how much either of us can change. We have know each other since 2008 or something like that. She is very attractive (as it appears they can be). I suppose because I feel unatractive and that there would never be anyone who would want me, her coming out of nowhere into my life was a dream come true…. or so I thought.

We are both damaged people. I have an Autistic son and his therapist said a couple of years ago that perhaps I might me on ‘the spectrum’ too? I figure if this is true then it might explain this repetitive pattern I like with her. There is a lot feeding into this dynamic.

So after a 14 hour text marathon two days ago, where she totally set out to destroy me, I demanded an apology which I got in a half   ed way the following morning. The dysregulation is still going on… she is moving today, tomorrow, to an English village, to Tasmania, to a caravan park down the road from me…. Just crazy  . But she is a little less vulgar.

Last night I suggested that when things settle a bit between us and we can communicate respectfully to each other, perhaps we should come up with a code of conduct of sorts between ourselves, and some strategy for when discussions become abusive or when violence occurs. Not sure how this will go. Really what needs to happen is I myself need to set my own boundaries for me. The onus is on us I think.

Today we are broken up apparently. I won’t change my status here because that might change like the weather once I am painted white again. The experiment continues. I am hopeful to make something better out of this. There are those success stories we hear about, aren’t there?

[15years]

People aren't attracted to the same things. It might seem to you that she is more attractive than you but that is based on your view on what's attractive. I'm sure she is attracted to you not just because you're a care taker, but because something about you is charming. I feel that many people with autism all over the spectrum seem to have that genuineness over them that is very charming, maybe you have that too? Many healthy women that wouldn't be abusive to you would certainly find you attractive too. Just saying, don't stay with her because she is attractive, you're probably a catch too.