Update--I was almost forced into telling her I have been posting here yesterday

[mitten]

My wife does the exact same thing.  Rather than telling our 4 year old he can't do something and then just enforcing it, she will make up something like that.  I don't understand it at all.  It's like she has to reason with him instead of just parenting him.

EXACTLY!  The amount of times she yelled at our son this weekend when he was acting up and threatened "time out" but NEVER gave it to him is crazy.  I know his crying is triggering to her so she does whatever it takes to prevent it... Time out causes him to cry... like most kids.

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[who_knows11]

I always wondered if almost all the things they allege or accuse others of doing is simply a matter of projection on their part.  

Sometimes when our daughter would do something well, or something I asked her to, I'd say "Thank you, that makes me so happy." or "Thank you, I like seeing you keep XYZ clean."  I didn't think anything of it, because I recall almost every adult saying the same thing to me growing up, when I'd do something they asked.  But BPDxw would snap at me, "DON'T MAKE HER RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR HAPPINESS."  

I realized over time this was ironic, since I was expected to be responsible for BPDxw's happiness... being subjected to frequent sob sessions because I didn't love her enough, or didn't support her enough, etc.  Was she clueless, or did she understand that since everyone else in the house was responsible for her mood, there was no space to allow other's room to express themselves this way?

Anyways, @who_knows11, has your wife continued to hound you about the private/incognito mode, or has she dropped it for now?  

Dropped.  It really didn't last long at all.  Not even a day.  However, I know it's stored somewhere, making its way through the algorithm looking for the right time to pop up in the recommended talking points.

Projection has to the undermining factor.  Every time I spend three or four "discussions" expressing my feelings about what I think she is doing, it only take a couple weeks for her to all of a sudden accuse me of the same thing.  It's not just regurgitation though because I'm careful to explain my thoughts with out using the label that goes along with it.  When I started catching some of her narcissistic tendencies and would talk about them without pointing out the narcissism in it, it took about two weeks and she suddenly started telling me she believes I'm a narcissist.  Did the same thing with the walking on egg shells feeling.  It's amazing

[who_knows11]

EXACTLY!  The amount of times she yelled at our son this weekend when he was acting up and threatened "time out" but NEVER gave it to him is crazy.  I know his crying is triggering to her so she does whatever it takes to prevent it... Time out causes him to cry... like most kids.

Yep, same for sure.  Her grandmother was at our house yesterday for Easter and she told me privately that we don't need anymore kids because all my wife does is yell at them.  She begs for hugs and kisses and them yells and screams all within minutes.  Its a vicious cycle that unfortunately cycles through multiple times a day.  My oldest is learning though.  If he can take the yelling and push the right buttons he can get whatever he wants.  When he is in trouble by me he wants his mommy because all she'll do is yell at him.  To much inconvenience to actually punish him and he knows it.  But once that's over and he wants actual interaction it's back to me.  When they are hurt and crying they want me instead of her and she hates it.  It's opposite of the normal for sure. 

Was speaking of projection with PeteWitsEnd and I see it here too.  I think she realizes what the interactions with him are like because she is starting to tell me that the way I treat her is starting to affect him.  I figure she knows that the way she behaves is what is actual starting to affect him so she is beginning to project that onto me.  The kids are totally different people when they are alone with me as opposed to being alone with her or even with the two of us together.  She points it out all the time too

[PeteWitsend]

I often felt like BPDxw was another child I had to take care of.  Certainly not a partner, even after she got a job and started working.  There was always more work for me to do.

I suppose they're more like teenagers; they can help watch younger kids.  But they're needy all the same, and as emotionally frantic as teenagers, if not more.  Comparing pwBPD to teenagers is probably an insult to teenagers though. 

[who_knows11]

I often felt like BPDxw was another child I had to take care of.  Certainly not a partner, even after she got a job and started working.  There was always more work for me to do.

I suppose they're more like teenagers; they can help watch younger kids.  But they're needy all the same, and as emotionally frantic as teenagers, if not more.  Comparing pwBPD to teenagers is probably an insult to teenagers though.  

I usually get told I'm the extra child that she has to take care of

I've often thought they work on that childlike emotional level.  That's why she struggles with our young kids.  Emotionally she is still 4-6 years old.  Our oldest is also 4.  When you put two 4 year olds in the same room there won't be a lot of peace

[mitten]

I often felt like BPDxw was another child I had to take care of.  Certainly not a partner, even after she got a job and started working.  There was always more work for me to do.

I suppose they're more like teenagers; they can help watch younger kids.  But they're needy all the same, and as emotionally frantic as teenagers, if not more.  Comparing pwBPD to teenagers is probably an insult to teenagers though. 

haha, this is so true... so much so that I accidentally put a bib on my wife the other day when we were at the ice cream shop.  I meant to put it on my 1 year old... true story.  Made me laugh so hard. 

[grootyoda]

I often felt like BPDxw was another child I had to take care of.  Certainly not a partner, even after she got a job and started working.  There was always more work for me to do.

I suppose they're more like teenagers; they can help watch younger kids.  But they're needy all the same, and as emotionally frantic as teenagers, if not more.  Comparing pwBPD to teenagers is probably an insult to teenagers though. 

I have often felt this same sentiment with my pwBPD. The teenager descriptor really encompasses a lot. It's like the pwBPD is just adult enough that you can sometimes forget that they do not have the full command of their executive function you would expect from an adult. There's also a big push and pull (at least in my experience) between the "just tell me what to do" and "stop telling me what to do" attitudes.

[grootyoda]

Dropped.  It really didn't last long at all.  Not even a day.  However, I know it's stored somewhere, making its way through the algorithm looking for the right time to pop up in the recommended talking points.

Projection has to the undermining factor.  Every time I spend three or four "discussions" expressing my feelings about what I think she is doing, it only take a couple weeks for her to all of a sudden accuse me of the same thing.  It's not just regurgitation though because I'm careful to explain my thoughts with out using the label that goes along with it.  When I started catching some of her narcissistic tendencies and would talk about them without pointing out the narcissism in it, it took about two weeks and she suddenly started telling me she believes I'm a narcissist.  Did the same thing with the walking on egg shells feeling.  It's amazing

This block of text made me laugh pretty hard. I can definitely relate. I feel like just knowing this is what is going on can be really helpful to how you approach this stuff. It you know it's not really about you, that it's part of an automatic response to the other person's discomfort (their "stress algorithm", if you will), I think maybe it's easier to avoid getting enmeshed with these kinds of conversations.