I'm feeling all the feelings tonight and would appreciate any words of validation or encouragement anyone has to spare. I'm in the later stages of divorce from my husband of 12 years. The last year of our relationship was just an absolute mess. Rollercoaster of suicidal threats, aggression, stress, and emotional abuse. We'd gone through a significant life change that triggered things to escalate quickly. Before that, he'd had a more "quiet" symptoms--I'm seeing now this was mostly due to my own codependency enabling unhealthy dynamics. I'm working on untangling this in therapy.
We've done a lot of back and forth through the divorce process. It's been exhausting, but I own my own part in it. To add to things, I was diagnosed with a serious, chronic health condition during the divorce. It made me freak out and think about reconciling. We talked about this possibility. I do love him and miss many things about our life together. I don't miss the instability, stress and hurt.
My husband was only diagnosed recently and had just started DBT, but quit because he did not feel it was worth his time or effective (I don't think he ever gave it a real chance). He's going to a random therapist now, which I'm glad he has something, but I have zero faith in him getting treatment for his actual concern. I had told him that DBT therapy was non-negotiable to me in any talk of reconciliation. I told him this before he quit the program and he still chose to do it. He said it's unreasonable for me to insist he stays in something that was not working. That was the end of the reconciliation hope for me. If he can't/won't take care of his own significant mental health needs, there's just no way we could realistically work through repairing our relationship that has been badly damaged or that he could long-term support me through my health condition.
My whole support system sees the toll this relationship has taken on my physical and mental health in the last year. They have all shared that they think it's better to leave. I just thought this group might understand difficulty and pain of ending a relationship with a partner with BPD. And how much it hurts when they can't/won't get the help they need. Maybe I'm also looking for validation that I'm not unreasonable for insisting on evidenced based treatment. It's all so overwhelming at times.
Thank you for taking the time to read my rambling post!
HH...first, welcome to the FAM.
. Do not be so hard on yourself. You are certainly not rambling. You are hurt and lost and looking for support so no worries. My dear, with all respect you let it fly and you let this community lift you up. We have your back here. Trust me.
You are not unreasonable at all. Do not entertain the opposite either. That I can assure you on. DBT is where it is at for BPD sufferers. In truth therapy is something I am a huge proponent for as opposed to the standard fare of just put someone on medication and pacify them and have them turn into a zombie or a shell of their former self.
Your approach wasn't and isn't wrong. Your husband unfortunately had his ego bruised and because of that was against the therapy from the start. Therapy only works if you do the work and put in the effort. He did not do that with the DBT. That much is certain. It takes time, but when you have someone who is reticent and unwilling then the process is already doomed to fail from the start.
I am going to tag my team in and you should see some others jump in as well. Please continue to post and vent as much as you need to. Keep your head up. You are going to get through this and you are going to be OK.
Cheers and best wishes!
-SC-
