New here Trying not to "rock the boat" with BPD sister

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hello! I've been looking for some kind of support group or something to help for a few years on and off. I just found this site today and reading some of the posts has been an immense relief to know that there are other families going through what we've been going through. Sorry in advance for how long this will likely be, there's a lot going on and I just feel heavy with it.

I just read the post on the 4 BPD behaviors and it was like a lightbulb moment to have something that I've always kinda instinctually noticed be put into words. My older sister is currently in some kinda spiral and rapidly shifting between all 4 (although dominantly in "Witch" mode). She's always been chaos personified, but she's drinking heavily now and has gone from limited self-control to no control over the past few months.

She's currently staying with my parents in their off-grid cabin after burning bridges with most of her friends (and our only other local family) and likely just burning the others out. She's really close to burning her bridges with my parents (and myself as well), but we're all trying to just bite our tongues and not rock the boat until she gets into rehab. What we all thought was going to be a month or two is now rolling into 4 months.

She thinks she's super helpful. She thinks she's cleaning up after everyone and doing tons of manual labor on the property, but in reality, she causes more messes than she cleans. There's no running water, but she'll do stuff like use every single pan to cook dinner. Pat herself on the back for cooking dinner. Then leave all the mess to dry up and get crusty, knowing that there's no running water and my mom is going to have to haul water to heat it up and soak/clean the grime off of everything. She'll use 3 towels while showering, without thinking about how my mom has a super tiny little washer/dryer combo that requires a lot of effort to run. Then she villainizes my mom and blames her for everything that's wrong in her own life.

Some days, she doesn't help at all. She stays in bed all day crying, sleeping, and drinking without helping with any of the daily chores needed to live off-grid.

She's also openly hostile to our parents. Every time she has to move back in with them, it's like she regresses to being a teenager and is in almost constant "Witch" mode. Any time anyone says something to her that she doesn't like, she lashes out and slams things around all day. I'm just so angry at the total lack of respect for the only people willing to live with her long-term while she's at her worst.

Now that she's drinking, she's picking fights with my niece as well. She gets drunk and tries to argue with an autistic 6-year-old and it's taking everything in me not to call CPS. The poor kid can't fully communicate, but she can tell things aren't right. When my sister showed up late (and drunk) to xmas, my niece told me "I don't like my mommy" and "I want a new mommy". My niece stayed with us for 2 months after that while my sister figured some stuff out, and she didn't ask about her mom once. She was thriving over here, we didn't have a single major meltdown the entire time she was here. We also got her fully potty trained and didn't have any accidents after the first week. Now that she's with her mom again at the cabin, she has almost daily meltdowns, multiple accidents, and is saying some pretty disturbing stuff to my own mom like "I don't want to be on this planet anymore" and something about wanting to use an axe on the dog when she was angry. The only thing keeping me from calling CPS is my parents' wishes and knowing that my niece is physically safe right now. They're worried about my niece not being able to stay at the cabin while my sister is in rehab if CPS knows that it's off-grid. For now, they're making sure that my niece is fed, bathed, and loved regardless of my sister so I'm holding back.

I wrote a 4-page letter to my sister the other day, but don't plan on sending it (yet). I just needed to get all my frustrations with her off my chest, but now that it's all written out it's like I'm waiting for an excuse to knock the boat out of the water. I know that I'm going to go NC with her eventually, but I'm trying my hardest to keep the boat floating until my niece is old enough to maintain contact with me without her mom involved. We're all just trying our best to put up with her and protect my niece until she gets into rehab where we know she has no choice but to work on herself. If she leaves early or tries to take my niece somewhere without finishing rehab, I'm calling CPS. I'm not letting her run off with her without some kind of accountability.

[WorkingThroughIt]

Hello! I've been looking for some kind of support group or something to help for a few years on and off. I just found this site today and reading some of the posts has been an immense relief to know that there are other families going through what we've been going through. Sorry in advance for how long this will likely be, there's a lot going on and I just feel heavy with it.

I just read the post on the 4 BPD behaviors and it was like a lightbulb moment to have something that I've always kinda instinctually noticed be put into words. My older sister is currently in some kinda spiral and rapidly shifting between all 4 (although dominantly in "Witch" mode). She's always been chaos personified, but she's drinking heavily now and has gone from limited self-control to no control over the past few months.

She's currently staying with my parents in their off-grid cabin after burning bridges with most of her friends (and our only other local family) and likely just burning the others out. She's really close to burning her bridges with my parents (and myself as well), but we're all trying to just bite our tongues and not rock the boat until she gets into rehab. What we all thought was going to be a month or two is now rolling into 4 months.

She thinks she's super helpful. She thinks she's cleaning up after everyone and doing tons of manual labor on the property, but in reality, she causes more messes than she cleans. There's no running water, but she'll do stuff like use every single pan to cook dinner. Pat herself on the back for cooking dinner. Then leave all the mess to dry up and get crusty, knowing that there's no running water and my mom is going to have to haul water to heat it up and soak/clean the grime off of everything. She'll use 3 towels while showering, without thinking about how my mom has a super tiny little washer/dryer combo that requires a lot of effort to run. Then she villainizes my mom and blames her for everything that's wrong in her own life.

Some days, she doesn't help at all. She stays in bed all day crying, sleeping, and drinking without helping with any of the daily chores needed to live off-grid.

She's also openly hostile to our parents. Every time she has to move back in with them, it's like she regresses to being a teenager and is in almost constant "Witch" mode. Any time anyone says something to her that she doesn't like, she lashes out and slams things around all day. I'm just so angry at the total lack of respect for the only people willing to live with her long-term while she's at her worst.

Now that she's drinking, she's picking fights with my niece as well. She gets drunk and tries to argue with an autistic 6-year-old and it's taking everything in me not to call CPS. The poor kid can't fully communicate, but she can tell things aren't right. When my sister showed up late (and drunk) to xmas, my niece told me "I don't like my mommy" and "I want a new mommy". My niece stayed with us for 2 months after that while my sister figured some stuff out, and she didn't ask about her mom once. She was thriving over here, we didn't have a single major meltdown the entire time she was here. We also got her fully potty trained and didn't have any accidents after the first week. Now that she's with her mom again at the cabin, she has almost daily meltdowns, multiple accidents, and is saying some pretty disturbing stuff to my own mom like "I don't want to be on this planet anymore" and something about wanting to use an axe on the dog when she was angry. The only thing keeping me from calling CPS is my parents' wishes and knowing that my niece is physically safe right now. They're worried about my niece not being able to stay at the cabin while my sister is in rehab if CPS knows that it's off-grid. For now, they're making sure that my niece is fed, bathed, and loved regardless of my sister so I'm holding back.

I wrote a 4-page letter to my sister the other day, but don't plan on sending it (yet). I just needed to get all my frustrations with her off my chest, but now that it's all written out it's like I'm waiting for an excuse to knock the boat out of the water. I know that I'm going to go NC with her eventually, but I'm trying my hardest to keep the boat floating until my niece is old enough to maintain contact with me without her mom involved. We're all just trying our best to put up with her and protect my niece until she gets into rehab where we know she has no choice but to work on herself. If she leaves early or tries to take my niece somewhere without finishing rehab, I'm calling CPS. I'm not letting her run off with her without some kind of accountability.

[Turkish]

Whether official or not, a dual diagnosis (BPD+substance abuse) makes interactions so much more difficult... I suppose that it isn't likely to stop her from buying alcohol?

I've seen a lot of stories about CPS that run the spectrum from "fascist" to "useless." In my own experience, CPS didn't care that we lived in a cab over camper without electricity, only that my mom had a way to heat food which was better than the previous year when I ate out of cans at room temperature. He said that he had families living in tents, but as long as food cold be cooked and there was shelter, it was OK.

Is your niece subject to physical abuse? That's a whole other issue.

[livednlearned]

Welcome and hello 

You have quite a lot going on with this rodeo. I'm glad you reached out.

It sounds like there is hope that your sister will go to rehab. Has she said she intends to go?

Has she gone to rehab before?

[Riv3rW0lf]

Hi and welcome,

I sense a lot of strength in your post, and I want to recognize how you care for your niece and are trying your best to mitigate your sister's abuse.

I don't know if being forced into rehab will help, or if she will just revert back to old habits once she gets out. From what I hear, the best chance of success require them to want to end their substance abuse in the first place.

I hear you trying to respect your parents wish while wanting to protect your niece. Remember that emotional and psychological abuse does just as much damages as physical abuse. Could you invite her to live with you for some time again? We tend to see sexual and physical abuse as the worsts, but continual neglect and psychological games can cause just as much distress and longlife scarring.

I don't have advices to give, only support to send your way.

[karaokequeen]

Ooh we have some similar experiences, unfortunately for both of us. My sister sounds a lot like yours, though you are in the situation I was in about 15 years ago with her and her kids. They are now in their early 20s and have on many occasions said that having me as a safe place in their lives has made all the difference. However, now that that they are not old enough for my sister to control or use as bargaining chips, suddenly I am so evil because I dared validate to her children that their mom has issues and wasn't treating them fairly or kindly in many cases. The situation spun out into her threatening to kill herself and recently stalking me on every social media platform. She even resorted to paying me $1 on Venmo for the privilege of leaving an abusive comment there because I didn't think to block her on Venmo! All this is to say, most likely, by being a caring, reasonable person and looking out for your niece, you can't avoid rocking the boat. I actually wish I'd been more assertive earlier on with my sister instead of pretending this was ever going to turn out ok. I would be very worried about what your niece said about the axe and the dog. That's pretty chilling.

[Mommydoc]

This sounds horrible.so sorry you re experiencing this.  I am glad your parents and you are able to be there to support your niece. CPS may not be the answer, but I  am hoping you are able to get some resources/ support for your niece. Because she has autism, she might qualify for services through the school district. Maybe staying with you, and/or some sort of day program? Her comments are very worrisome. Though I feel for your parents, you are right to focus your energy on your niece.

[WorkingThroughIt]

I honestly wasn't expecting many responses, I'll try my best to respond, sorry it's a lot!

@Turkish

Whether official or not, a dual diagnosis (BPD+substance abuse) makes interactions so much more difficult... I suppose that it isn't likely to stop her from buying alcohol?

There isn't really any way to stop her from buying alcohol unfortunately since she's an adult and has her own car and money. My parents are doing what they can to make it more difficult, but there isn't much else they can do other than kick her out- but they prefer having her in sight so that they know where she is, where my niece is, and they're up to date on where she is on her rehab waiting list.

I've seen a lot of stories about CPS that run the spectrum from "fascist" to "useless." In my own experience, CPS didn't care that we lived in a cab over camper without electricity, only that my mom had a way to heat food which was better than the previous year when I ate out of cans at room temperature. He said that he had families living in tents, but as long as food cold be cooked and there was shelter, it was OK.

Is your niece subject to physical abuse? That's a whole other issue.

We had our own experience with CPS being pretty unhelpful when we had custody of our cousins when we were kids. My aunt and uncle actually kidnapped their kids while we had custody of them and took them out of state one mother's day weekend, CPS never did anything about it and just dropped the matter. Since my sister knows the story, I'm worried about her taking my niece out of state if CPS gets involved... but I'm also worried about her abruptly taking my niece out of state and having no record with CPS. My niece isn't in any physical harm and while we think my sister neglects her, my parents are stepping in and she currently has all her needs met.

@livednlearned

It sounds like there is hope that your sister will go to rehab. Has she said she intends to go?

Has she gone to rehab before?

She actually just got the call a few days ago and is allegedly going in on Monday! It's her first time in rehab but she's the one who found the place and it seems pretty bougie, has yoga and art as part of the program, so I'm positive she'll at least go. I'm more concerned about her realizing it's actual work once she's there and leaving early. For now, I'm going to visit her once a month to make sure she's still there for everyone's peace of mind.

@Riv3rW0lf

I don't know if being forced into rehab will help, or if she will just revert back to old habits once she gets out. From what I hear, the best chance of success require them to want to end their substance abuse in the first place.

She's the one who came forward to the family saying she needed help, and she found the place herself so I'm hopeful that she'll take it seriously. But she also keeps talking to us about how most people fail the first time and I'm worried that she's setting herself up for failure by thinking she's going to fail the first time.

I hear you trying to respect your parents wish while wanting to protect your niece. Remember that emotional and psychological abuse does just as much damages as physical abuse. Could you invite her to live with you for some time again? We tend to see sexual and physical abuse as the worsts, but continual neglect and psychological games can cause just as much distress and longlife scarring.

I can definitely see the damage she's doing to my niece on a psychological level, and that's a big part of why I'm struggling with wanting to cut my sister off. I always knew she bullied me when we were kids and that it was different than normal sibling rivalry, but I just found out a few weeks ago that sibling abuse is a thing and I'm coming to terms with that. As angry as I am when I look back on what she did to me as kids, I'm twice as angry for her putting my niece through any fraction of that.

I'd like my niece to come live with me full-time for a bit, but I'm working on getting my mental health a bit better for her. I just had my first therapy session today since high school and I've been making great progress in getting over my intense driving anxiety so that I'll be able to take her wherever she needs to go. She isn't enrolled in school yet, she's supposed to be in some kind of early intervention autism program before she starts school, and she hasn't been to the doctor in a long time- so there's a lot I'd have to be able to drive her to if she was here. My husband and I both work full time, but I work from home so I'd at least be able to be home with her until she started school. Luckily my sister allegedly goes into rehab next week, so my niece is getting a minimum of a 2 month break from her and it's bought us all some time to figure out next steps.

karaokequeen

They are now in their early 20s and have on many occasions said that having me as a safe place in their lives has made all the difference. However, now that that they are not old enough for my sister to control or use as bargaining chips, suddenly I am so evil because I dared validate to her children that their mom has issues and wasn't treating them fairly or kindly in many cases. The situation spun out into her threatening to kill herself and recently stalking me on every social media platform. She even resorted to paying me $1 on Venmo for the privilege of leaving an abusive comment there because I didn't think to block her on Venmo! All this is to say, most likely, by being a caring, reasonable person and looking out for your niece, you can't avoid rocking the boat. I actually wish I'd been more assertive earlier on with my sister instead of pretending this was ever going to turn out ok.

My goal is to be a safe option for my niece to come stay with and I've been working towards that. We have the extra room in our house and we're right across from an elementary school once we're ready! Back when my husband and I were just friends living together, we had a conversation about how someday my niece might need to stay with us and he's luckily always been on board with it! We're both childfree by choice, but it was always with the exception that we would take my niece in if/when she needed us. We actually ran off and got married on paper a few months ago so that we look better if we need to get custody of her later this year, our actual wedding isn't the end of this year. I know I can't avoid rocking the boat forever, I'm just hoping I'm ready to face it when it happens. We're all already counting down how many years it'll be until my niece is an adult and isn't tied to my sister anymore. I've also been trying to convince my sister to go on birth control because I don't know if we can handle setting another countdown for another kid.

@Mommydoc

Because she has autism, she might qualify for services through the school district. Maybe staying with you, and/or some sort of day program?

She isn't enrolled in school yet, I guess the state doesn't get involved unless a kid still isn't in school by age 7? But she's supposed to be in some sort of early intervention program- but none of us have any details on it since my sister mentioned it offhand once about a year ago and then never brought it up again. My mom got my sister to sign a form giving my mom Power of Attorney (notarized) so my mom can start calling around to figure out what my niece is supposed to be doing, but she'll have to retrace my sister's steps since we don't even know where my niece was evaluated for autism/what the exact diagnosis is. Everything is kinda just a tangled mess right now.