Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 29, 2024, 10:05:54 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Survey: How do you compare?
Adult Children Sensitivity
67% are highly sensitive
Romantic Break-ups
73% have five or more recycles
Physical Hitting
66% of members were hit
Depression Test
61% of members are moderate-severe
108
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Object Constancy  (Read 426 times)
beatricex
*****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 547


« on: May 07, 2022, 11:53:36 AM »

I read somewhere that BPD's struggle with Object Constancy.  This is the idea that objects continue to exist, even when they're not in our immediate view.  As it relates to BPD, it is recongized that it's difficult for a BPD to believe a family member loves them when the family member goes away (for example to work, or in my case, on a work trip).  No or low contact must be excrutiating for my BPD mom because of the idea that if I don't speak to her, she thinks SHE must not exist.

I realized this week as I had to travel for my job, that my husband struggles with object constancy, and in the past I have as well.  I wonder is this is a result of being around the BPD (they 'freaked out' if their spouse had to go away for work, and in turn we learned to 'freak out' as well?), or if it's just genetics - my husband and I both just have some of the BPD traits as a result of being born into our respective families?   

I have searched and searched the internet, but cannot find any good articles on what to do for BPD's or nons when a person we love cannot know we love them, because we are not physcially in their presense.  Does anyone have any good insight on this?  I would like to know what to say or do when I have to travel for work as I have that kind of job where I travel.  Is my husband going to 'freak out' every time?  Is this how his kid (my sBPD stepdaughter) feels too?  Was she freaking out everytime she couldn't get ahold of her dad (before she went completely NC with us), and the pain was just too great so she had to split me off, as the cause of all her pain, and stop speaking to us entirely?  Did she also split off her bio Mom as "all bad" because bio Mom does not reliably call or show up?  I do remember my sBPD stepdaughter making comments that it really upset her that her husband went to work and worked long hours (sometimes volunteering for overtime) and that she felt he did it "to avoid her."  Or to avoid helping her with their kids.  Instead of seeing it as a positive (he is providing for his family), she sees it as abadonment that he goes to work.

It is really intersting to me, as this is the most striking thing I can point at as concrete, that there is something really odd about both our families that people don't seem to tolerate aloneness very well in either of our families (me only when I was younger, today I'm fine as my work is a distraction).  But what should be done about it?

thanks in advance for any insights

b
« Last Edit: May 07, 2022, 12:00:28 PM by beatricex » Logged
missing NC
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Sibling
Relationship status: no contact
Posts: 125


« Reply #1 on: May 07, 2022, 07:02:37 PM »

Hi Beatrix,

I'm not sure how to answer the question you pose in your second to last paragraph, but in regard to reassuring your husband tangible reminders (in addition to texts and phone calls) might be helpful.  If you don't find it too schmaltzy, you could leave him a little teddy bear holding a heart or some similar items to keep him company during your trip. You can also leave his favorite foods - either prepared or processed. Ending a text with a note that you put his favorite treat in the freezer would make him feel loved both when he reads your note and when he consumes it.  If you and he are into reading or video games, playing together or reading the same book while apart could also be connecting.  In addition to the texts you can send him an occasional "throw-back photo" from from your earlies days together. Those can be especially meaningful in the context of "Five years ago today, we took that fantastic hike and even though I'm not with you, I'm thinking of those times and now and love you and miss you." You could also leave an "I love you letter" or a poem that is meaningful in the context of your relationship behind for him savor while you are gone.  Last, you can arrange to have a some thinking-of-you goodies delivered  while you are away. 

If you struggle with object constancy while you are away from him, reviewing photos might also be reassuring or if you have a sense of what you find meaningful, you could ask him to provide that action or item. 

Whether as pwBPD or a non, being separated from a loved can be challenging given our relational nature as humans. 
Logged
zachira
Ambassador
********
Online Online

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Sibling
Posts: 3236


« Reply #2 on: May 07, 2022, 10:38:10 PM »

I have found that the bottom line in being able to help a disordered person, if they are capable of being helped, is to help him/her to integrate the different parts of themselves, and replace the black and white thinking with critical thinking skills that take into account all the different ways of seeing things. People with BPD are often described as feeling empty inside.The lack of object constancy is part of the emptiness. You might read up on Motivational Interviewing and Internal Family Systems to learn more about tecniques and therapies that have decent success rates in being able to make an empty person begin to become a person who is internally focused and comfortable looking at what he/she feels inside. A person with BPD will often struggle with seeing another person as a separate individual until he/she has developed a certain level of an integrated self.
People with insecure attachment can often develop secure attachment if he/she marries a person with secure attachment. Learning more about how to help your husband with secure attachment is probably what will be the most helpful in helping your husband with object constancy, though he probably is going to needs lots of therapy because of the BPD.
« Last Edit: May 07, 2022, 10:45:57 PM by zachira » Logged

Methuen
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 1732


« Reply #3 on: May 07, 2022, 11:48:03 PM »

I remember reading in some book some time ago, that one way to help a pwBPD get through a spell of time when you are absent, is to loan them something that belongs to you.

I and my family were going away for two weeks on a  trip.  Any time anyone leaves she suffers a feeling of being abandoned.  To us it’s tiresome and neediness. To her she’s feeling alone  and desperate. I suspect that this kind of separation triggers the feeling she had when her mother died when she was 14, and she was left with an abusive father.

 It was early December and we were leaving and would be getting back home on  Christmas eve.  She has always been excited about XMas - like a child.  So I decided to test what I had learned from my reading, and I loaned her a favorite Christmas ornament to hang on her tree until we got back home.  

Not only did she accept the gesture, but within 24 hrs of getting home, she offered  it back to me because we were home.  

I repeated the same trick the last time we went away.

The object constancy thing is real.  MissingNC’s suggestion of the Teddy Bear - or some other object - is a great idea.
Logged
beatricex
*****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 547


« Reply #4 on: May 11, 2022, 09:29:32 AM »

Thank you all for the kind suggestions, and I am taking notes, really good stuff.

I never really thought of my husband as having BPD (he doesn't) but I see traits.  Makes sense, his kid definetly has it.
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!