Thinking about going no contact and a restraining order

[Depression = 72% of members]

I am considering going no-contact with my BPD mother and NPD brother. I am even considering pursing a restraining order against my mother. I would love to know if anyone else has gone down this path and what your experiences were like. I would also love advice and any resources that you think would be helpful.

I am pregnant with my first child. I am excited to have a child, but I will admit that I am also really scared. I fear that I will unintentionally repeat the same abusive patterns that I experienced when I was growing up. But my biggest fear is that my mother will hurt my child physically and emotionally like she did to me.

I am currently low contact with my parents and brother. I would love to go no contact with my mother, but I am afraid that this will send her into a rage and that she could hurt me, my husband, or my child. I am also worried that she may intentionally harm herself in front of my child. I don’t know if she would actually do this, but I also worry that she may kidnap my child. I worry that she will try and sabotage my career and my relationships. My current strategy is to stay under the radar and let my mom think things are fine but I’m just super busy.

I am also thinking about the huge impact going no contact and enforcing that would have on my life. I have already stopped using social media, but I would need to really limit my presence online since my mother spends a lot of time looking me up on the internet. I would need to tell my job about my mother’s personality disorder because I feel quite confident she would contact my work and try and spread lies about me. My husband and I have even discussed coming up with a pseudonym for our child so that my mother would not be able to find them at school or daycare. I already feel unsafe most of the time, and I worry that I would always be looking over my shoulder.

My fears about going no contact and the possible repercussions are starting to get overshadowed by my fears about my mother harming my baby. I don’t trust her to ever be around the baby alone since she was abusive to me and my brother.

I am really going back and forth between allowing my mother to be in her grandchild’s life in a small controlled way, or going no contact before my mother is even aware that I am having a kid. I have contacted a lawyer to learn more about restraining orders and am talking this all through with my therapist. I live on the other side of the country from my mother, but she has shown up unannounced at my home before.

Advice and resources welcome! Thank you, I am very grateful for this community.

[LukeSkywalker]

I am considering going no-contact with my BPD mother and NPD brother. I am even considering pursing a restraining order against my mother. I would love to know if anyone else has gone down this path and what your experiences were like. I would also love advice and any resources that you think would be helpful.

I am pregnant with my first child. I am excited to have a child, but I will admit that I am also really scared. I fear that I will unintentionally repeat the same abusive patterns that I experienced when I was growing up. But my biggest fear is that my mother will hurt my child physically and emotionally like she did to me.

I am currently low contact with my parents and brother. I would love to go no contact with my mother, but I am afraid that this will send her into a rage and that she could hurt me, my husband, or my child. I am also worried that she may intentionally harm herself in front of my child. I don’t know if she would actually do this, but I also worry that she may kidnap my child. I worry that she will try and sabotage my career and my relationships. My current strategy is to stay under the radar and let my mom think things are fine but I’m just super busy.

I am also thinking about the huge impact going no contact and enforcing that would have on my life. I have already stopped using social media, but I would need to really limit my presence online since my mother spends a lot of time looking me up on the internet. I would need to tell my job about my mother’s personality disorder because I feel quite confident she would contact my work and try and spread lies about me. My husband and I have even discussed coming up with a pseudonym for our child so that my mother would not be able to find them at school or daycare. I already feel unsafe most of the time, and I worry that I would always be looking over my shoulder.

My fears about going no contact and the possible repercussions are starting to get overshadowed by my fears about my mother harming my baby. I don’t trust her to ever be around the baby alone since she was abusive to me and my brother.

I am really going back and forth between allowing my mother to be in her grandchild’s life in a small controlled way, or going no contact before my mother is even aware that I am having a kid. I have contacted a lawyer to learn more about restraining orders and am talking this all through with my therapist. I live on the other side of the country from my mother, but she has shown up unannounced at my home before.

Advice and resources welcome! Thank you, I am very grateful for this community.

[kells76]

Hi LukeSkywalker;

First of all, congratulations on your first baby! I hope you have many moments of hopefulness and joy as you prepare for your first child's arrival. What a gift!

You're not alone in trying to untangle how involved you want your mother to be with your life and your child. Lots of members here have walked that path of deciding who and what to let in their lives and how much or how little. It's not easy when it's a family member, especially a parent.

I am currently low contact with my parents and brother. I would love to go no contact with my mother, but I am afraid that this will send her into a rage and that she could hurt me, my husband, or my child.

Tell us a little more about the "nuts and bolts" of how you're thinking of going no contact -- what I'm curious about is, are you envisioning it as an announcement, or statement to her, or email, or...?

I'm also seeing how you're already thinking through specific moves that are in line with your values around an acceptable contact level with your mom -- less or no social media, giving work a heads up, talking with a L to see what's legally feasible. That all sounds wise, independent of the "how" of going no contact. If you're content with no social media and your work knowing about a personal issue that could impact your workplace, then that seems smart. I went off of all social media back when my DH and I got engaged, as his kids' mom (uBPD) would engage me in an uncomfortable way on Facebook. I've also told my work back when we thought we might have to go to court to have DH's parenting time upheld. It was a relief to feel like it wasn't a secret that really difficult things were going on in my life.

It helps to learn that you're on the other side of the country from her, though I definitely get what you're saying about how she still can show up unannounced. My best friend's mom has what sounds like severe BPD (illegal behaviors) and has done the same thing to her.

I am really going back and forth between allowing my mother to be in her grandchild’s life in a small controlled way, or going no contact before my mother is even aware that I am having a kid.

I see the negatives described, so I'm curious about what positives you see in allowing your mom to be in your kid's life?

Lots of questions, so I'll wrap things up with this:

I wonder if Fear, Obligation, and Guilt can sometimes impact how we think about managing our contact levels with family members. I.e., I wonder if we get distorted beliefs about what "no contact" has to look like -- that we "have to" or "are obligated to" or "it would be wrong not to" describe and explain to the family member a big announcement that "now I am no contact with you and you must not contact me". Interestingly, we don't have to tell them anything when we go no contact. We don't have to make announcements, write emails, explain the process, tell them what not to do, tell them what we will do, or anything of the sort.

Our actions are what determine what level of contact we have with them. We are allowed to not respond to texts, not take phone calls, not send letters, not have to explain to them in detail what we are doing, not keep the same phone number. We are allowed to simply not engage and have those actions -- of not engaging -- be the "description" of our boundary (boundaries being what we decide to let in our lives, in a way we only have control over, and that aren't dependent on what others do).

Keep us posted on what the lawyers think is do-able, as that's another important part of your situation.

And again, congrats on your baby! I bet it'll be so cute 

kells76

[zachira]

You are thinking about going no contact with your BPD mother and NPD brother and fear if it could make things worse than they already are, and worry about the safety of your unborn child. I have gone no contact with many members of my family of origin and extended family, and low contact with some of them. From my experiences, there is no way to know just how badly they will behave to keep in contact with you and have control over your life and that of your child once he/she is born. Many members on this board have gone through different stages of low contact and no contact, some deciding to make the low contact or no contact permanent. Whatever you decide, know that it will be a learning experience, and you will likely increase the amount of healthy boundaries you enforce as time goes on. The biggest challenge for me and others seems to be trying to explain what we are doing to the people we are going low contact or no contact with, with the explanations just making things worse and their behaviors more abusive. My advice would be to slowly start enforcing more boundaries. I do think you are smart to get legal advice and address all your worries. I have had to hire a lawyer to get help with my problems with my disordered family members. Do talk about all your fears with a qualified lawyer, and do not for a moment think that your fears are unfounded. I never cease to be shocked at how low some of my disordered members can sink to keep getting their terrible behaviors enabled. Your unborn child is very lucky to have two parents who are putting her/him first. Many members here have not allowed their BPD mother to ever be alone with their children. You are not alone, and soon will hear from other members with similar situations to yours.

[lm1109]

I am pregnant with my first child. I am excited to have a child, but I will admit that I am also really scared. I fear that I will unintentionally repeat the same abusive patterns that I experienced when I was growing up. But my biggest fear is that my mother will hurt my child physically and emotionally like she did to me.

 Congratulations on your pregnancy

It is totally normal to be scared...we all are...that fear is especially complicated when we come from abuse. The fact that you are already focused on not unintentionally repeating abusive patterns and protecting your baby is amazing and proof that you will be an incredible Mom. I am glad that you are working with a therapist. My therapist was a huge help to me when I was a young new mom and also a huge help in healing from my own childhood abuse. I honestly don't know how I would've gotten through those first years without that help and guidance.

My situation was very similar to yours...and I questioned wether or not I should even allow my Mother near my child(and then children..3 in total) Ultimately, I chose limited contact. There were only a few times my Mother was ever left alone with any of my children...and I ALWAYS regretted it. Luckily for me...my Mother was overwhelmed by my kids and didn't even want to be around them often anyways. In my situation...even with limited contact she still found ways to inject her chaos and misery into my life and caused me an incredible amount of stress. She constantly planted seeds of doubt in me about my mothering, my marriage, etc. She never supported like a mother she only constantly needed from me. Having my parents in my life, felt like having two extra needy and chaotic children. I tried to give and give to them but they are bottomless pits and they eventually used me up. The second that I got healthy enough to stick up for myself and set boundaries they flipped, blamed everything on me, and I haven't spoken to them since. I have been NC since November. I do not plan on ever "fixing" the relationship. My parents have my oldest son's phone number and they haven't reached out to my kids at all. They even stopped sending them holiday cards. To me, this is proof that they don't care about my children either. I desperately wanted them to love my kids and be good grandparents. However, if my parents didn't have the ability to be loving, caring, good parents..why did I think they would magically have those abilities with their grandkids?  The truth is...they just aren't capable of loving relationships. There were many red flags along the way and if my mother was ever given the opportunity she would've been abusive and tried to turn them against me/undermine me. All this to say: I spent years(12) trying to make it "work" with my parents in a controlled way...I couldn't...and I honestly wish I could have those years back and get to experience my kids little years without her chaos. My Mom only contributed negativity and ultimately hurt my children by disposing of them after I FINALLY refused further abuse. Obviously...this is just my own experience. You have to weigh the pros and cons of a relationship vs NC with your own mother and brother. Do you believe that they have positive attributes to bring into a relationship with your child or are you entertaining a relationship with them solely from a place of f.o.g(which is what I did)? I ask this because if it is solely because of f.o.g...you should take that into consideration. The truth is that you can only "control" the relationships when your kids are little...they eventually grow up and can be manipulated and used by a sick grandparent(which others on this board have experienced) Please understand that I am in no way trying to sway you into going NC...just sharing my own experience...as you weigh your own options. I also think it's very smart of you to weigh your legal options as well...in case it ever comes down to that. I commend you for looking into all of your options now rather than making a rash or emotional decision. I'd also like to point out that you can always choose NC down the road. If you choose to give your mother and brother a chance and they prove to be abusive with you or your child you will have every right to walk away and use any means necessary to protect yourself and baby.

Sending you lots of support

[beatricex]

Hi LSW,
I feel for you and your situation.  I can see that you're at a difficult cross roads in your life, and I'm glad you came here for reassurance and support.  The people here on this board really get it, what's it's like to have a BPD mom.  While the decision to go NC or LC is really personal, I think it's safe to say that in cases where abuse may recur, no one is going to question your decision to do so, if that's what you decide.

I found this article that may be helpful to you
https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/hci-articles/question-from-reader-how-effective-are-restraining-orders-with-an-hcp

My own situation is that I have recently gone NC with my BPD mom for the second time (the first time lasted 7 years, there was then 7 years of resumed contact and now I have gone NC again).

At the link I provided above, my Mom's behavior since the NC (nothing was said specifically, we just blocked email, text and phone calls on both mine and my husband's phones) fits this:
The third kind of violent or harassing behavior occurs around the time of separation. This is known as “separation-instigated violence,”and it usually involves one or two incidents, but stops once it’s clear that the separation is really going forward.

The "harrassing" behavior we saw was my Mom and Dad came to our house, waited until after dark then threw a gift I had given her over our block wall into our backyard.  They never rang the doorbell, they went to a side gate to do this.  We only know it happened cause we found the gift and have security cameras.  That was it, the only incident and I expect there could be one more, but maybe not (they live pretty far away and with the price of gas so high, I don't think it benefits them to drive over again).  She will slander me to everyone I know behind my back...that's a given.  But that's not really too scary to me, I've had that experience before.  I am prepared mentally for that.  My husband and I have discussed my Mom's prior physical abuse, and why I am afraid of her if she comes to our house.  I believe she could get physical.  For this reason, we have a safety plan that we plan to use a short "I am leaving now, you're not welcome here" statement, and physically get away, if she does show up again.

For this reason given in the exerpt above, and speaking from my own experience, when you do make the decision don't waffle on it.  It confuses your BPD when you send them a mixed message.  That's my only advice.
 
b

[beatricex]

I tried to edit my post, but it's been too long.

I also wanted to add that my husband and I talked about a restraining order, but decided against it.  We also agree ahead of time that we will not call the police on my mother.  The reason is simple, she wants that, for all my neighbors to see me call the police on her, so she can be the victim and get their sympathy. 

Not happening...

Luckily she has no idea how to get ahold of my coworkers, because yes I worried about that too.

Remember in your life, you get to direct your life not her.  That is the main benefit of going NC.

Really excited for you about your new baby, and hope you find some peace and solace with your hubby.

[Riv3rW0lf]

Hi LukeSkywalker,

I have been meaning to answer your post but just couldn't bring myself to do it, if only because I am still sorting how I feel with the no contact I have been in for the past few weeks.

Like you, having my daughter brought on a lot of distress, nightmares, anxiety. All of a sudden, my mother was back in my life and interested in "me" (truthfully her main interest was my baby), which she hadn't been for a very very long time. We had an overall good relationship, mainly due to her and me no being enmeshed (I left her house when I was 14 to live with my father). Anyway ... I thought we were doing well, her and I. Then my daughter was born the crisis started again. But I lived 10 hours away so it was manageable.

Long story short, I ended up in therapy, which didn't work. No contact for three months. Then she came to visit and there were crisis. I don't think she ever accepted the first three months of no contact, didn't forgive it. Then a second child was born, and drama my mother created led to me enmeshing myself with her again, to save her. Just like that I was back in the Karpman Triangle... I ended up going to live in her house, which made me realize how bad all this really was, that she had BPD, and I left , and I have been no contact ever since.

I expected her to come here unannounced, I expected to receive a letter stating she was suing me to see her grandchildren... Yet nothing. She blocked me and said to my brothers she needed a pause too

I gave her back her blame, which probably hurt her pretty bad, but I needed to do it. And now I wonder if she could be managed via strong boundaries or not...

All this to say : I get your fear, I get your anxiety, I get your guilt,  I get your shame. And there is no easy answer to all of this...

But I do support you, and welcome you to the board, and I truly hope you find the solution that will work well for you and your family, the one that will facilitate your own healing from what was probably a really intense childhood.

I wanted to add that in my case, my main fear was not that she would hurt my children (even though she hurt me when I was a child), but that she would triangulate them against me over time, like she tried to do with my nephew and his mother. She plays the best grandmother of all, and she plants doubts in her grandchildren's head... Told my nephew his parents didn't love him as much as his sister (she told me, and nephew actually told my brother, which is how we all know she did that)... She lies a lot about my brothers to me, about me to my brothers...she really uses triangulation a lot... And I couldn't afford to have her create a wedge between the two people that are the most precious to me and me... I just wouldn't sacrifice my children.