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Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits. Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
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Author Topic: Help Not sure how I will get through this.  (Read 333 times)
HBfitmom

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 6


« on: May 24, 2022, 09:51:05 AM »

 :help:I have been reading posts here for years and this is the first time I feel like I really need to post because I don't feel I have anyone I can talk to in my life and therapy isn't until a few weeks for me.
My husband w/bpd has been threatening to leave most of our relationship, separate and divorce after we were married almost 6 years ago. There have been problems in our relationship and he is always feeling so hurt and disappointed by me. I shared a bit of what was going on with a mutual friend (bad idea) and she ran into him and actually told him off! I tried to handle the thing very maturely and spoke with her about why she shouldn't have done that and apologized that I shared that with her. He took it very hard and now he doesn't want to be friends with a whole group of friends he has known since before we met.
He said we need to separate and he will still stay in the house and we will co-exist until we figure out what to do, keeping what is best for our 4 year old daughter in mind. I agreed and we were actually getting along better for a couple weeks.
Then he noticed I took off my rings (he hasn't worn his in over a year and was wearing a different ring around his neck- the wedding ring was too big). He cried and was so hurt and then told me it's ok I don't have to wear it.
He went away to Vegas for 4 days and he was upset that I didn't stay up with him the night before he left and when I went to sleep and 11 am he told me that's why he always goes out!
He has been doing things behind my back with a younger woman who also works for him and they have gone on multiple trips together. I know that he met up with her after I went to sleep around 11 pm the other week. I found an old ipod that synced up to his messages and read enough to know that he isn't being honest about the extent of their relationship. I have not told him this yet, I felt I don't even care unless we try to get back together because I just want peace. While he was away he kept saying he misses me and loves me. He came home after I was asleep and when he came upstairs in the morning he said good morning and then got caught in stuff on his phone, left the room and didn't really pay attention to either of us. Then as I finally convinced our daughter to go downstairs to have breakfast, he wanted her to "come to Daddy". I said come downstairs with us. He got so upset by this that he was crying, left the house without saying where he was going after saying he would cancel the cleaner unless I wanted to pay half. When he came home he asked me for the rings back so he can send them back to his mother! He was still crying saying he can't take to keep being hurt this way, I am hurting him so much. He's going to start taking his stuff. And I had to go to take our daughter to daycare and now I'm at work wondering how the heck I am going to stay mentally healthy and productive for work and stable for our daughter. I am just coming back off of a stress/bereavement leave for 4 months... help.
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BigOof
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Never-ending divorce
Posts: 348



« Reply #1 on: May 24, 2022, 12:07:16 PM »

I see a lot of manipulation in your post. Try listening to or reading:

https://www.amazon.com/Narcissists-Playbook-Sociopaths-Psychopaths-Manipulative-ebook/dp/B07NS9YVD8

I can sympathize with your pain, but unless you take control of the situation, it is going to get a lot worse.
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Riv3rW0lf
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Confidential
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Relationship status: Estranged; Complicated
Posts: 930



« Reply #2 on: May 24, 2022, 12:57:27 PM »

I don't think cohabitation is working out. He is doing what he wants, and still gets to abuse you. I understand when you say you want the best for your daughter but think about it this way : by leaving to live with her only, on your own, you are providing her with an exemple of strength and affirmation.

Separation is not always a bad thing. When there is abuse, like there seems to be in your relationship (emotional abuse is still abuse), then it is better to provide a truly safe haven for your daughter, free of abuse.

If your daughter was in your position, the exact same thing, what would you tell her? To stay? To try to reconnect? To keep the rings and find an appartment, maybe?

Note that I am also not telling you to leave, but from what I just read, you guys are separated, and he has someone else, and is basically living as a separated man, while still clinging to you and abusing you... Either he is with you, or he is not. This whole situation does not feel fair for you, right now. Healthy boundaries and limits might be needed to preserve your mental health.
« Last Edit: May 24, 2022, 01:03:31 PM by Riv3rW0lf » Logged
HBfitmom

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 6


« Reply #3 on: May 24, 2022, 01:48:12 PM »

Thanks BigOof, I have already noted the increased narcissistic characteristics in him. With his increased financial success his narcissism increases. I will check out this book. I am trying to keep the peace and set boundaries, both may not be possible.
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HBfitmom

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 6


« Reply #4 on: May 24, 2022, 01:58:44 PM »

Riv3rW0lf it is a bit more complicated than that. We have only been "separated" for 2 weeks or so, maybe less. I don't think he thought I would actually take it seriously this time I guess. Up until today he has been really nice, nicer than usual like he was tying to pull me back but hoping I would do something to fix it. The girl works for him and the trips were work trips. He admits nothing of an affair, just a friendship. Quite a few of our mutual friends have said they feel uncomfortable about being around them together, but no one has said anything to him other than me until 2 weeks ago.
I'm in a difficult situation because I bought the house and put down the down payment and pay the mortgage myself. However, right now I can't really afford to pay everything on my own. I don't want to lose the house that I have saved my whole life for, especially with the real estate market. He will hopefully leave and not fight me to sell the house.
The rings are worth very little, his mother gave them to him for him to propose, they really only have sentimental value.
I think we should separate as we discussed and agreed upon. He is away a lot too, so the 2 weeks were ok except for today.
We have tried counseling and I would do it again with someone different, even to just help us through this and get along and be better parents for our daughter co-parenting.
But yes, I wouldn't want my daughter to accept what I have in this relationship.
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Riv3rW0lf
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Confidential
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Relationship status: Estranged; Complicated
Posts: 930



« Reply #5 on: May 24, 2022, 08:12:34 PM »

I'm sorry, I reread my message, and I feel it came out more blunt than I would have liked...

I guess, what I was getting at is to assert yourself and your needs the way you would like to see your own daughter do it for herself. I am myself working on asserting my needs more in my relationship and this is a trick I have found helpful.  I tend to tolerate much more mistreatment for myself than I would tolerate for her.

I understand things are more complicated, separating is never easy and boy, if I were to separate now with my husband, I have absolutely no idea how I would go about it... We get very enmeshed materially with our partner, and when it fails to work, it is a puzzle to be sure.

And I just wanted to write you again to extend empathy and support. It is not an easy situation to be in and I hope you will successfully be able to find and set the boundaries you need for your health.

I do wish you luck and send support your way.

Again, I am sorry if my first post came across as cold. I felt angry about the mistreatment.
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Mommydoc
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Sibling
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 232


« Reply #6 on: May 24, 2022, 08:53:51 PM »

So sorry HBfitmom that  you are experiencing this. I can completely see why you are torn. As a pediatrician I have witnessed the impact of so many dysfunctional relationships on children. Even with the complexity, even if you struggle with hurting him, in the long run, it is best for your daughter not to be raised in this environment. He is treating you very poorly and he isn’t going to change. It sounds like you are very empathetic and trying to keep peace, but you are paying an unreasonable price.
Excerpt
I understand when you say you want the best for your daughter but think about it this way : by leaving to live with her only, on your own, you are providing her with an exemple of strength and affirmation.

Thank you for sharing your story and posting here. I hope you can rally that same strength to stay the course and disentangle your lives for both yours and your daughters best interest.
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HBfitmom

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 6


« Reply #7 on: May 25, 2022, 08:13:12 AM »

I'm sorry, I reread my message, and I feel it came out more blunt than I would have liked...

I guess, what I was getting at is to assert yourself and your needs the way you would like to see your own daughter do it for herself. I am myself working on asserting my needs more in my relationship and this is a trick I have found helpful.  I tend to tolerate much more mistreatment for myself than I would tolerate for her.

I understand things are more complicated, separating is never easy and boy, if I were to separate now with my husband, I have absolutely no idea how I would go about it... We get very enmeshed materially with our partner, and when it fails to work, it is a puzzle to be sure.

And I just wanted to write you again to extend empathy and support. It is not an easy situation to be in and I hope you will successfully be able to find and set the boundaries you need for your health.

I do wish you luck and send support your way.

Again, I am sorry if my first post came across as cold. I felt angry about the mistreatment.

That's ok, I have often minimized what is going on because I didn't want to admit that it was abusive. I know that much of it is though, regardless if it is intentional.
It's difficult in any situation but especially when we only seem to be able to talk at night once my daughter is asleep and I just don't have the mental or physical energy to express my feelings/boundaries. Last night he thought I was ignoring him when I thought he was giving me the silent treatment and then he expected me to be doing something to make it up to him when in the morning he told me he was sending the rings back and taking some of his stuff.
I do want peace, but he seems to think we can keep doing the same thing over and over again with a different outcome. I can't anymore.  I immeadiately notice how it is effecting me mentally and physically. After recovering a bit of peace I can feel the difference. I may have been addicted to this cycle but I want out of it.
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HBfitmom

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 6


« Reply #8 on: May 25, 2022, 08:18:04 AM »

That's ok, I have often minimized what is going on because I didn't want to admit that it was abusive. I know that much of it is though, regardless if it is intentional.
It's difficult in any situation but especially when we only seem to be able to talk at night once my daughter is asleep and I just don't have the mental or physical energy to express my feelings/boundaries. Last night he thought I was ignoring him when I thought he was giving me the silent treatment and then he expected me to be doing something to make it up to him when in the morning he told me he was sending the rings back and taking some of his stuff.
I do want peace, but he seems to think we can keep doing the same thing over and over again with a different outcome. I can't anymore.  I immeadiately notice how it is effecting me mentally and physically. After recovering a bit of peace I can feel the difference. I may have been addicted to this cycle but I want out of it.

Side note: I have a very hard time feeling and expressing my anger and it often comes out and feelings of stress and anxiety, something I am working on with my therapist
Thank you, I appreciate it and when calm and regulated we can both agree that staying together with an unhealthy relationship is worse than separating for our daughter. I'm hoping he make an appointment with his therapist soon and is actually honest with him about what has been going on. I think we will need professional help to get through this in a healthy way. The I hate you, don't leave me is becoming too much. He says we are separated but then acts like I should be trying to makes things better. Not sure what to do from moment to moment but I know there needs to be better treatment if he is going to stay even temporarily.
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