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Author Topic: ex-husband invites estranged BPD relatives to child's graduation  (Read 880 times)
Channing

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« on: May 17, 2022, 11:40:21 AM »

Hello Everyone,

I have been a single mom to a child with a neurological disability for the last seven years. His dad, my ex-husband, moved out of state when my son was 10. Since then, I have struggled to provide him with all of the services he has needed -- with minimal child support.

To everyone's surprise, my son is now doing very well and has been accepted at a university. I am so proud of him and excited for his future.

This week is his high school graduation. Although my relationship with his dad is cordial (distant, but polite and cooperative) we are now at odds because he decided to invite my estranged BPD mother and sister to our son's high school graduation. He did this without telling me. I learned about this from our son. Our son politely told his father that he would prefer that the BPD relatives not come to the ceremony as that would make us all uncomfortable.

My son's dad also sent out graduation announcements to his family members and mine without consulting with or including me. I find this bizarre given that he is an absentee parent. He also cut off our son financially literally the day he turned 18.

Since my estrangement with my BPD mother and sister, they have been in regular contact with my ex-husband. I find this weird for so many reasons -- including the fact that they had very little contact with him while we were married. Before the estrangement, they regularly threatened me that they could alienate me from my son because they were "close" to his dad.

Right now, I am really struggling with all of the feelings that are coming up out of this mess. I am hurt that my son's dad has not thanked me for everything I have done to support our son through all of his struggles and that he seems instead to be doing everything he can to gang up with my BPD relatives to hurt and annoy me. I am also feeling hopeless about my weird family situation and very alone.

If my ex had not done these passive aggressive and hurtful things, I would have invited him to a joint celebration of our son's graduation. At this point, I do not even want to sit with him at the ceremony. I am struggling to figure out how to cope with this. I want to maintain appropriate boundaries for myself but I don't want to hurt my son or ruin his special day.

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Riv3rW0lf
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« Reply #1 on: May 17, 2022, 11:54:37 AM »

Goodness... Reading this brought up a lot of anger. What your ex husband is doing is NOT okay and a complete breach of trust. I can't help but think he must have some kind of PD himself... Any chance he has narcissistic traits?

I am so very sorry you are going through all this turmoil, at a moment where you only wish to celebrate your son's achievements.

One thing that stood out to me is your son standing up to his father, telling him he doesn't agree to what he is doing and do not wish to see his BPD relatives. It seems like your son is aware of what is happening... Does your son wish his father to be there? Has he mentionned anything to you about it?
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Channing

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« Reply #2 on: May 17, 2022, 12:11:53 PM »

Thank you Riv3rWolf, I needed a bit of a reality check because I don't trust my own feelings around all of this. My son does want his dad at his graduation. They have had a lot of conflict in the past but because his dad lives so far away, it has not been a big issue for the past few years.

I have been thinking recently that my ex may have narcissistic traits -- especially after the weird and somewhat cruel cut off. He literally took our son out for a birthday lunch and told him during the "celebration" that he would not get another penny of support.

The standard co-parenting advice is always to take the high road but I am wondering what that looks like in this situation. 
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Riv3rW0lf
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« Reply #3 on: May 17, 2022, 06:30:57 PM »

I can only answer this question with my own opinion, and it might not fit your values or current needs, so feel free to take or discard my advice as needed.

Since your son wants your ex husband to participate in the event, I would go and do my absolute best to gray rock it. Be there for your son and ignore your ex husband...

Your son is old enough now to have his own relationship with his father without needing you in contact with your ex husband...

I'd find comfort in the fact that your son knows the truth... Your son knows you were the one there for him, who supported him and guided him as a child and as a teenager. Even if you ex husband will not recognize it and tries to steal the light at the end, the only opinion that truly matters is your son's, and he knows the truth...

The rest is just background noise... A hurtful background noise, but thankfully you have the power to choose to focus on what truly matters: your son's achievements, which are also partly yours...  

I think it would be more than ok to find a moment to treat your son and yourself to something special, just the two of you, celebrate your life thus far and cheer to a bright future.

And nevermind your ex husband... You won't need to entertain a relationship with him for much longer. 
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zachira
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« Reply #4 on: May 17, 2022, 06:36:44 PM »

I am wondering how many tickets each student is allowed and who the tickets go to. Is is possible you can provide your ex husband with a ticket and not the other relatives your son does not want to attend his graduation?
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Notwendy
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« Reply #5 on: May 18, 2022, 05:15:11 AM »

Congratulations on your son's graduation!

Reading into this from my own experience- although I am still in contact with my BPD mother, I have had boundaries with her with my own kids, due to her own behavior. Her version- to her family is that I am "keeping her from her grandchildren". (Victim perspective).

My mother tends to engineer relationships- and if there's a family event/get together, she tends to "insist" we include her extended family as well. She can be very persistent with this. She has little interest in me but wants to be seen as an involved grandmother.

My read on this is that, your BPD mother aligned with your ex H with her own feeling that she's a victim of you "keeping her from her grandson". Since you and your ex H are split- he aligned with her as the rescuer- hero ( Karpman triangle) by inviting her to the graduation. If he's narcissistic this makes him feel/look good.

What your ex H did is also a boundary violation by not discussing this with you first. If it were my mother, she would have told him untrue things about me and then told him to not tell me- as she does these things without me knowing about them. So your ex H is either inconsiderate or your mother told him to not discuss this with you or both.

If the graduation is public, it's hard to keep them out of this, unless there are tickets which would be nice to have. However, your graduation celebration is private. I would draw the line here. What would your son want to do?

I'd also want to talk to your ex H privately- what is behind his actions?






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Mommydoc
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« Reply #6 on: May 18, 2022, 08:38:53 AM »

I agree. Your ex-husband was completely out of line. He is  being enlisted and manipulated by your mother. It is your son’s day and it should be what he wants. He wants his father there but not the rest of the BPD relatives.

I think you need to set a boundary with your ex-husband and have a private conversation with him as Notwendy suggests.
“We have so much to be proud of, with our son overcoming obstacles, graduating and going to university. This is son’s day and he gets to decide who is at his graduation . It means so much to have you and I there together to celebrate and support him. He has been very clear that he does not want my mom and sister there. You should have asked him first and it is not  OK that you didn’t.  You may have invited them with good intentions, but it isn’t what son wants . I need you to un-invite them for our son, so he can have day of celebration that is meaningful to him”

I understand there is a lot of other hurt lingering here, which are valid feelings, given the circumstances. You may have to process that separately and with time. I have to believe that your ex-H wants a great day for your son. Make it about the three of you and help him exit the triangle with your family, so your son gets the celebration he wants.
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Channing

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« Reply #7 on: May 18, 2022, 11:02:42 AM »

Many thanks to all of you for these very helpful responses. I think it is true that the BPD relatives have been "working" this situation and that my ex is in some ways a pawn here. I think that is what bothered me the most -- that the BPD relatives have managed to poison my otherwise cordial relationship with my ex and create a lot of stress, even though I never see or speak with them.

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livednlearned
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« Reply #8 on: May 18, 2022, 12:56:24 PM »

Our son politely told his father that he would prefer that the BPD relatives not come to the ceremony as that would make us all uncomfortable.

It's great that he could articulate that to his dad and speak up for himself. Did your ex respect S18's wishes and tell your relatives to take a raincheck?



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Breathe.
Notwendy
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« Reply #9 on: May 19, 2022, 06:03:09 AM »

Channing, I am sorry you are dealing with this. I don't think that's unusual- my BPD mother triangulates with people "against" me. She will take someone aside to tell them something (negative) about me and then tell them not to tell me she told me that. She does that with other people too. She also lies frequently. I have learned to not believe what she tells me about someone else. I know she's done these things as she's tried it with my husband, but he doesn't go along with it.

The problem with estrangement is that, your ex is already split with you, so it's easier for him to go along with it. Although I wasn't estranged from my mother's FOO, or at least I thought I wasn't- I don't live close to them or see them often. So most of what they know about me is through what my mother tells them. I found out accidentally what they "think" about me, and it's not true. She actually did eventually spit my relationship with them and also with my father.

The best explanation for why she does this seems to be the Karpman triangle as it's also not with me. If she feels like a victim - someone or something becomes the persecutor and then she enlists someone to be her rescuer by validating her feelings.

If someone is in her "circle" - I have learned to keep them at a cordial distance. I feel that if they have heard her version of me, it's already useless to try to explain that. In addition, they'd have to choose between who to believe. If they already believe her, then I keep a distance from them. Although her FOO does speak to me, knowing what they have thought about me ( due to the untrue things she said ) I am uncomfortable and embarrassed around them.
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Notwendy
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« Reply #10 on: May 19, 2022, 06:16:28 AM »

I'd also be careful about your BPD family attending this event. My BPD mother would triangulate my children as well, if she could and she tries. She is not interested in me, but she likes the image of being an involved grandmother.

Your mother may see this as an "in" to your son. Now that he's 18 and going off to college - it's an opportunity for her to form a relationship with him- separate from you. My mother still continues to try this. At first, I didn't give her my kids' phone numbers or addresses but she was able to get them from someone else. They are young adults now. She contacts them separately from me but they know to not get too involved with her. She also has sent them elaborate gifts for their birthdays and graduations. She uses money to manipulate people. They know this too. It would not surprise me if your mother uses this event to connect with your son.

Your mother has an input to him via his father and I suspect she may try to make a connection with him after that. . At this time, he's old enough to understand BPD and learn to have his own boundaries with your mother- and so learning about how to have boundaries with her will enable him to protect himself.
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Channing

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« Reply #11 on: May 20, 2022, 12:37:21 PM »

Thank you again to everyone who has provided such thoughtful feedback about this problem. The graduation was yesterday and my BPD relatives did not arrive to disrupt the ceremony. They did send me a group guilt text but that was to be expected. The day went well overall and the ex is  departing soon. I am so relieved.
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Riv3rW0lf
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« Reply #12 on: May 20, 2022, 05:16:52 PM »

Thank you again to everyone who has provided such thoughtful feedback about this problem. The graduation was yesterday and my BPD relatives did not arrive to disrupt the ceremony. They did send me a group guilt text but that was to be expected. The day went well overall and the ex is  departing soon. I am so relieved.

That's great, I am happy to read you were able to enjoy the celebration with your son. Out of curiosity, did your husband cancel them out to respect your son's wishes?
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Channing

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« Reply #13 on: May 21, 2022, 10:36:27 AM »

Yes, he did! I am proud of my son for standing up to his dad. For years, his dad treated him poorly because he was ashamed of our son's disability. Now that the worst case scenarios have not materialized and our son is off to college and a normal life, the ex seems anxious to reconnect with our son. So, he called off the BPD relatives when our son told him he did not want them at the ceremony.

 
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Riv3rW0lf
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« Reply #14 on: May 21, 2022, 11:05:56 AM »

That's great ! Good for your son, and congratulations to you for providing him with the guidance he needed to stand firm for himself.
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Mommydoc
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« Reply #15 on: May 21, 2022, 05:43:45 PM »

What a wonderful outcome. Congratulations to your son and to you on so many levels!
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