New here - first post

[60av8tor]

     One month ago I had never even heard of BPD... My wife filed for divorce 21 February - 6 days short of our 3rd anniversary. The month between moving out and 'discovering' BPD was the most devastating period of my life. I've been through some emotional times throughout my life, but I have NEVER felt the way I felt through this break up. It was all I could do to put both feet on the floor and get out of bed in the morning to go to work. It's only been 2 months and some days are exceedingly difficult - even after discovering BPD and devouring every piece of literature over the past 30 days.
     
     This was my second marriage after an amicable divorce from my first wife of 21 years. All the stories apply - all the accounts/books I read feel like they were taken from my relationship: very first date being visibly upset that I didn't hate my ex (which turned into a never-ending, insane jealousy of my ex who I divorced and was eventually also remarried btw...), the biggest temper tantrum I've ever witnessed in my life (up to that point) - child or adult - 60 days in when I didn't give her an engagement ring for Christmas (guess who scrambled and bought an engagement ring?), being loved like I've NEVER been loved in my life (which made me put up with some very poor, shocking behavior), NEVER being able to talk about my past (my entire adult life was with my ex, so my entire past was forbidden essentially), her screaming at me until 3:00am the night after my father died because she overheard me telling my sister that my ex talked to my father's wife (who she knew for 25 years), always checking off the next item on her list thinking "this will calm her down", eventually ignoring friends, family, and coworkers, delaying our marriage 3 times because I had such cold feet, but yet I didn't want to lose her because the good was SO good. The list goes on and on and on...

     The quickness, coldness, and viciousness with which this was executed literally devastated me initially. I travel with work (which became more and more a point of contention in our relationship near the end even though I had the exact same job when we met) and my wife filed a restraining order while I was gone - even though she knew I had signed a lease and was moving out upon my return. I was devastated and scared - the extent of my dealings with law enforcement before this was a speeding ticket in 1999. The end of March - beginning of April is a blur. My entire life, even through some very emotional times and my previous divorce, I've been a fairly happy, optimistic person - a sunny day always just put me in a great mood. No more. The initial few weeks, I was in a dark, dark place that I've never been close to in my entire life. Right now the sun feels suffocating to me and  being around others takes every ounce of energy I possess.

     Discovering and learning about BPD has offered some relief just in the sense that I can now make sense of a lot of things throughout our relationship that I never could square up in my mind. But it also creates some pain because I would have handled things WAY differently had I been armed with knowledge of BPD. Even though my logical brain, therapist and lawyer don't think that would have mattered, ultimately, it devastates me that I am totally x'd (because of the protective order) and don't even have the slightest avenue of redemption/recovery. I'm taken back to that very first date when my wife was angry that I didn't hate my ex. I told her, "good people do bad things. She's a good person and I wasn't the best husband. I just didn't feel comfortable spending the rest of my life with someone who cheated on me - even though I could see where some of my behaviors pushed her in that direction". Naive me thought a woman would appreciate that perspective. My wife's reply, "I ghost people. I walk away and never look back." Very. First. Date... I'm not sure why I thought I'd be different. Arrogance, stupidity...?

     That's the most difficult part right now. I still love my wife like crazy and am applying everything through the lens of my non-BPD brain (not implying that my brain doesn't have some quirks as well). Everything I'm learning is that by the time a huge, nasty split like this is obvious, it's been over for quite some time - the searching for a replacement, possible infidelity, etc. has probably been going on for quite a while - while I mindlessly continued on trying to do the next thing to make her happy, changing my next thing to try to calm her. To say the behaviors resulting from this disorder are emotionally vicious is an understatement. I've always considered myself a fairly stable, well-adjusted person. Now? I know nothing about life, myself, the world, others. My emotions change by the day, the hour, the minute.

     Every day, I pray I gain a little more clarity; a little more of my old self, but it is an agonizingly slow process for me personally. I know the old me is inside somewhere, but most days I feel like that person is gone.

     Ok, enough. I'm preaching to the choir here. I appreciate everyone on here - the learning, the sharing, the catharsis. Some day, I'm hoping I can read a post like this one and offer some advice from the perspective of the good place in my life I was in when I first met my wife. Right now that idea seems like an utter impossibility.

 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

The betrayal is devastating. We understand. 

Your intellectual side has not yet caught up with your emotional side, which is suffering terribly.

Though we want to believe in the possibility of a beautiful harmonious relationship with our BPD partner, there’s always the looming discord of the treacherous side they can readily manifest.

You love the irresistible side of your wife and the way she treated you when she manifested that part. However, that is not the totality of who she is, and she showed her other side from the very beginning of your relationship.

As much as we hope to only experience the positive side of our partners, they are much more than that. Had you been armed with strategies to deal with BPD at the outset, she is who she is and you wouldn’t have been able to change her, just the way you responded to her.

Have you encountered any information about “trauma bonds”? It’s likely very applicable to you.  https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/trauma-bonding

The intermittent reinforcement of kindness after cruelty tends to bond us to people who oppress us.

[60av8tor]

The betrayal is devastating. We understand. 

Have you encountered any information about “trauma bonds”? It’s likely very applicable to you.  https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/trauma-bonding

The intermittent reinforcement of kindness after cruelty tends to bond us to people who oppress us.

    Thanks for the link. Yes, I've heard/read a bit about trauma bonding. Right now my head is spinning because pretty much everything I read, I've heard her say I do/did. At some point, you start believing it and start feeling horrible about yourself; feel like you caused all the poor behavior. We would argue for hours literally about nothing - she once yelled at me over the phone and said, "I'm going to hang up and when I call back, you better say the right thing." WTF? I had NO idea what she was even talking about. That was very early on in our relationship. And I stuck with it...

     At times, my behavior would be crappy as well just out of sheer exhaustion and frustration; over not even knowing why we began arguing hours ago. So now, in the state I'm in, I feel like I did this all to her. I know the reality; how I gave and gave - time, emotion, money; how one-sided the relationship was in many ways from the get go - but it's hard to shake the feeling that you're a POS that ruined a good thing.

[Cat Familiar]

A common theme to these relationships is projection, the process where people attribute to others what’s in their own mind.

Most of us who enter into these types of relationships are willing to look at our own faults and consider whether the criticisms leveled at us have any foundation. And since none of us are perfect, it’s likely there’s a grain of truth to be found sometimes.

However, BPD is a shame based disorder and people who have it frequently cannot handle looking at themselves honestly and therefore project their own faults on their partners.

It’s time for your rational side to have a conversation with your emotional side and disentangle any lingering guilt for things that are not your issues.

[LaRonge]

I know the reality; how I gave and gave - time, emotion, money; how one-sided the relationship was in many ways from the get go - but it's hard to shake the feeling that you're a POS that ruined a good thing.

Hi av8tor,

I'm sorry to hear your story and for what you're going through. Probably everybody on this site can relate. You're still in the hardest stage of the discard. I'm very familiar with the confusion and the blaming of yourself—especially after they blame you for everything! You know this, but you're not a POS. If anything, you sound like a very decent, reasonable, self-aware individual!

I'm just here to say that it's going to get better. The intensity of the feelings will settle, and soon enough the intellectual side of your mind with override the emotional side, and you'll see your ex-wife as the deeply troubled person she is. It wasn't your fault. It doesn't mean the pain and difficult feelings will entirely go away, but you'll be able to create some distance from them. Then you can really start working on yourself, putting things in place to feel good about yourself and your life, and start moving beyond what happened. That dark place you mentioned is scary—I know because I've been there—but having been there will give you a new kind of perspective. It can be a valuable learning experience if you let it.

That will all come with time. For now, it sounds like you're doing all the right things. And you're not alone.

[60av8tor]

Hi av8tor,

I'm sorry to hear your story and for what you're going through. Probably everybody on this site can relate. You're still in the hardest stage of the discard. I'm very familiar with the confusion and the blaming of yourself—especially after they blame you for everything! You know this, but you're not a POS. If anything, you sound like a very decent, reasonable, self-aware individual!

I'm just here to say that it's going to get better. The intensity of the feelings will settle, and soon enough the intellectual side of your mind with override the emotional side, and you'll see your ex-wife as the deeply troubled person she is. It wasn't your fault. It doesn't mean the pain and difficult feelings will entirely go away, but you'll be able to create some distance from them. Then you can really start working on yourself, putting things in place to feel good about yourself and your life, and start moving beyond what happened. That dark place you mentioned is scary—I know because I've been there—but having been there will give you a new kind of perspective. It can be a valuable learning experience if you let it.

That will all come with time. For now, it sounds like you're doing all the right things. And you're not alone.

Thank you very much for that nice reply. Day by day, little by little, I see everything you said happening - albeit slowly. Fortunately, there is enough of the old me remaining that I will use this as a growing experience and feel that I will be a better person because of it. I’m not mad, angry, vengeful, etc; just sad, disappointed, and hurt.