One step at a time. As they say, Rome wasn't built in a day.
One thought to get comfortable with is that you are both adults. You both made choices in the past. You both can still make choices.
For example, why are you working and supporting the family but he isn't? Is it his choice (or excuse) not to do at least some effort at an income? He's an adult after all.
Yes, we here have "been there, done that". Of course the problems arise at the least predictable time. It's not accidental that you're caught off guard. I call it "predictably unpredictable". People with BPD (or more simply, problem people) seem to have had their whole lives to learn how to be masters of Blaming and Blame Shifting.
Keep on sharing and little by little we here in remote peer support can enlarge your knowledge and insight into improving your life.
