Anger has subsided, depression kicked in

[Depression = 72% of members]

I think all the anger I had, while it is still there, has now subsided to leave the place to depression.

It is not a "trapped in bed" depression like my mother used to have... Nor is it an "irritable everything will set me up" depression.

It is a longing...

Like I am finally coming to terms with the fact that my life would have been so very different if my mother would have only seeked help. If she had realized all the pain and the hurt she was causing us. If she didn't have dated dangerous men and brought us to live with them. I am not angry anymore... I am seeing all the impacts her choices had on my life, and how, for a very long time, I let those impacts roam free without taking action.

Now I am waking up in a life that is not mine, but that I have to make mine somehow.

The veil is lifted.

I married a man that has clear emotional developmental arrests. He is volatile and impulsive. He cannot do things right, he always cuts corner and any task is met with anger, like an angry teenager. He can be nice and supportive, but as long as it is on his own time. Any requests for help, while he will likely provide the needed help, is met with anger and impatience.

I have to provide double the stability for my children. I have to organize the house, clean, prepare dinners, take them to doctor appointment, manage school, clothes, I need to find all the little things my husband keeps losing around the house, swearing about it, being angry... All the while building a business and finishing my thesis to remain the "strong wife" my husband needs to fit his internal narrative, and also mine, I guess... He does not take kindly to vulnerability and show of emotions. He cannot deal with those. And I guess I cannot either.

I trapped myself in a marriage that makes me unhappy and I cannot leave, because my children are all that matters to me. I will have to assert myself more, and this will bring a lot of anger out of my husband... It has already begun. I am being more assertive, and he is being more reactive. I don't feel love anymore for him. I am emotionally disconnected and I am not sure I want to even reconnect. We had a big heart to heart two weeks ago, and he agreed to read the chapter from a self-help book... But he won't do it now. Now he doesn't see the point. That's how it always is... We talk, he sees his faults, admits to his constant anger, says he will take action, it relieves the pressure and then he does not follow through and we are right back at it again... I am tired.

I long for peace. For a husband who embrace his responsibilities, who is happy to spend time with his family. Who doesn't just wish to hide on his computer and play video games in the basement... I want a real man.

My husband is not borderline. It is a workable relationship. But I am depressed and longing for the life I could have had and will never get.

I can feel, deep inside, what I could have been and I have to grieve this person I lost because of my mother's egoism and incapacity to take responsibility. And I am not even angry at her anymore, just so very depressed.

It is not that I don't enjoy my life... I love my children, and I know I can take ownership of it, I know I can take action. But it is everything I lost along the way... The good men I hurt because they couldn't abuse me like I needed to be abused. It is so twisted and ironic...

I listened to the song : she used to be mine, recently. And I started crying uncontrollably. I wish I could rewrite an ending or two as well...

I am not sure where it will go from here. My life is not hell, and part of me is grateful for what I became, despite everything. Part of me loves my husband and can see his deepest self, the one who might mature in time, and I know, at this time, it will be better.

But for now... I think I am grieving.

Just needed to write it down somewhere.

BPD parents can scar us so very deeply. It is the first time I actually feel the depression of it all. And I am welcoming it as part of my healing journey.

Sending you all peace.

[Riv3rW0lf]

I think all the anger I had, while it is still there, has now subsided to leave the place to depression.

It is not a "trapped in bed" depression like my mother used to have... Nor is it an "irritable everything will set me up" depression.

It is a longing...

Like I am finally coming to terms with the fact that my life would have been so very different if my mother would have only seeked help. If she had realized all the pain and the hurt she was causing us. If she didn't have dated dangerous men and brought us to live with them. I am not angry anymore... I am seeing all the impacts her choices had on my life, and how, for a very long time, I let those impacts roam free without taking action.

Now I am waking up in a life that is not mine, but that I have to make mine somehow.

The veil is lifted.

I married a man that has clear emotional developmental arrests. He is volatile and impulsive. He cannot do things right, he always cuts corner and any task is met with anger, like an angry teenager. He can be nice and supportive, but as long as it is on his own time. Any requests for help, while he will likely provide the needed help, is met with anger and impatience.

I have to provide double the stability for my children. I have to organize the house, clean, prepare dinners, take them to doctor appointment, manage school, clothes, I need to find all the little things my husband keeps losing around the house, swearing about it, being angry... All the while building a business and finishing my thesis to remain the "strong wife" my husband needs to fit his internal narrative, and also mine, I guess... He does not take kindly to vulnerability and show of emotions. He cannot deal with those. And I guess I cannot either.

I trapped myself in a marriage that makes me unhappy and I cannot leave, because my children are all that matters to me. I will have to assert myself more, and this will bring a lot of anger out of my husband... It has already begun. I am being more assertive, and he is being more reactive. I don't feel love anymore for him. I am emotionally disconnected and I am not sure I want to even reconnect. We had a big heart to heart two weeks ago, and he agreed to read the chapter from a self-help book... But he won't do it now. Now he doesn't see the point. That's how it always is... We talk, he sees his faults, admits to his constant anger, says he will take action, it relieves the pressure and then he does not follow through and we are right back at it again... I am tired.

I long for peace. For a husband who embrace his responsibilities, who is happy to spend time with his family. Who doesn't just wish to hide on his computer and play video games in the basement... I want a real man.

My husband is not borderline. It is a workable relationship. But I am depressed and longing for the life I could have had and will never get.

I can feel, deep inside, what I could have been and I have to grieve this person I lost because of my mother's egoism and incapacity to take responsibility. And I am not even angry at her anymore, just so very depressed.

It is not that I don't enjoy my life... I love my children, and I know I can take ownership of it, I know I can take action. But it is everything I lost along the way... The good men I hurt because they couldn't abuse me like I needed to be abused. It is so twisted and ironic...

I listened to the song : she used to be mine, recently. And I started crying uncontrollably. I wish I could rewrite an ending or two as well...

I am not sure where it will go from here. My life is not hell, and part of me is grateful for what I became, despite everything. Part of me loves my husband and can see his deepest self, the one who might mature in time, and I know, at this time, it will be better.

But for now... I think I am grieving.

Just needed to write it down somewhere.

BPD parents can scar us so very deeply. It is the first time I actually feel the depression of it all. And I am welcoming it as part of my healing journey.

Sending you all peace.

[kells76]

 

[Methuen]

Riverwolf, you are a trojan.  I mean that in the kindest way possible.  Despite the potholes and craters, and mountains to traverse, you keep walking your walk.

I thnk the word is resilience.  You have resilience. 

You don’t have to do this alone.  We are here  listening and supporting. 
 

[Mommydoc]

Riv3rWOlf, I was worried that you might be depressed after reading one of your other responses on another persons post. Thank you again for your courage and sharing your pain so vulnerably with all of us, as many of us don’t surface or acknowledge the many intense feelings we experience. It is truly inspiring.  I am awed by your ability to be vulnerable in one moment while also summoning and expressing both joy and hope. Thinking of you and sending you healing thoughts. 

[zachira]

Feeling depressed is a possible sign that you are using anger less to mask your deepest feelings, maybe sadness. There is so much to be angry, depressed, and sad about when we have grown up in a family that mistreated us, and all the losses that come with it. One of the saddest parts of the losses for me, are all the wrong choices I made for myself because I did not have the right kind of role models growing up. So many times, I have felt depressed and trapped. Underneath the depression, there is a deep sadness that needs to be grieved, more intensely at first, than less often, though never buried, as there are so many lifelong losses when we are mistreated by our family which makes us very vulnerable to being mistreated by others. Can you find a space and time when you can cry deeply? Being trapped in a bad marriage, does make it hard to feel there is hope. Is there anything you can do now, to give yourself some moments of badly needed peace and quiet? We are here for you. How are you doing today?

[Riv3rW0lf]

Zachira, Methuen, Mommydoc and Kells,

Thank you all for your replies and words of encouragement.

Zachira, you are right, the protective layer of anger has diminished and now I am more and more connecting to the sadness and welcoming it. I am keeping myself from fleeing from it, and clearly does not always manage well... Two days ago I decided to put a big piece of furniture in a wardrobe, with both my children in the room. It was chaotic and ended up being almost dangerous... Not for them, I always made sure they were far away from any risks, but I ended up with quite a few bruises myself... I realized at that point I have to stop fleeing... It is harder than I thought. I'm used to just spin out of control when I am depressed and now I am trying to stand still, walk and listen...

Today, I am more of an observer to my schemas... I can now see more clearly who I am...

I stopped fighting my husband, but also stopped giving in. I am just trying to be. This morning, I told him I wanted to do my workouts early mornings before he leaves for work. He said somethinh along the lines of : ok but seriously, it has to be fast. Sometimes you are taking your time, you do more than you are supposed to and not sticking to the plan, yada yada (I swear he thinks our house is the military and he is trying to run it as his, rigidly with no flexibility at all). And I just stared at him, and told him : really? And he backed off right away... Just my stare... He said : don't listen to me, you do your things... He was pissed but at least seemed conscious of his nonsense and egoism.

I think something is switching... I will not let him bully me anymore. I am observing myself, and I can see better when I start tiptoeing, and I force myself not to anymore... I have a right to be, I have a right to my time for self care especially considering all I am doing.

Today is better than yesterday and worst than tomorrow  

[lm1109]

Riv3rwolf, I feel this so deeply. I think that we have similar childhoods, but also a similar present. I believe that depression is to be expected. Just today, I told my husband that it's amazing how different my children's experience is from my own...they would never know how much inner turmoil I have within me. I'm not bypassing, but I AM showing up for them in every way that I can show up..because they deserve that from me.  I understand what you said about your husband. I'll be honest, I've been there. I have told my husband that if we don't grow TOGETHER...we will grow APART. He is not where I am...how could he be? I am currently giving him time and space to grow and "catch up." He has not experienced the "slaps in the face" and hardships it took me to wake up. However, the reality is, that MOST people are not awake! What I have learned is that relationships ebb and flow like the ocean. There will be times of deep disconnection, but also times of deep deep connection. I don't know your situation with your husband. My situation is that in the beginning of our relationship, (15 years ago) when I was essentially a child, my husband was there to guide me. He stuck out ALL of the hardships with me: my grief, my eating disorders, my trust issues, my intimacy issues, and my overall dysfunction from living with my parents my whole life. He was the first person to ever unconditionally love me. He was my anchor. That love fueled me and eventually, I did SO much work, that I passed him up(emotionally). However, I recognize, that I HAD to do that work... because I was at rock bottom! My husband has experienced dysfunction... But NOT rock bottom. I can not expect him to be where I am. Although it is really really REALLY hard at times...I keep trying to lift him up...the same way he lifted me. In my opinion, that means saying the hard things and pushing him to grow as well. I am NOT a meek housewife...I am a warrior with an immense amount of knowledge and life experience...and I believe that it would be a disservice to him if I stayed quiet...because I want to grow together. That said ..we all have a unique timeline of growth. Sometimes...the best thing I can do is just be an example...a humble example...that is willing to surrender to something greater than myself and also willing to step back and understand that he is where he is supposed to be on his own life journey.  Again...this is just my OWN experience...my husband may be totally different from yours...but I DO relate to waking up and realizing that your dysfunctional self married a man and created a whole life that your "healed self" may not have chosen. However, I don't believe that there are "accidents" in this life. If it wasn't for my husband...I wouldn't have my children...my perfect amazing children...that are half him. Soo... I'll keep working and waiting. I'll keep healing and growing(no matter who it offends). I'll eventually beat this depression...the way I've beaten everything else in my life. This too shall pass. I also wanted to mention that I read an earlier post where you mentioned singing Imagine Dragons with your child. Funny story...my middle son is OBSESSED with Imagine Dragons(ever since he was about 3 years old and first heard the song Radioactive) I find it immensely comforting that there is someone else on this globe scream singing Imagine Dragons with their kid and trying just as hard as I am at this life  There are no positive affirmations to change grief and pain...we just have to live it...and keep transmuting our pain into love. Keep fighting for yourself Riv3rwolf...you are amazing

[Riv3rW0lf]

lm1109,

Thank you so very much for checking in this morning with your reply. It came at a moment where I needed to read exactly this kind of message.

I think, I am looking for something out of myself to explain my depression, and the only one I found is my husband. And it is true than my healed self would maybe not have chosen him, like he is at this very moment. But it is also true that he was the first one to provide protection and real, deep care for my well-being and for my safety.

And yes, he gave me my children... I don't dare imagine a life where they are not there. I paused my career for them, stepped back to a part time position, from home. I chose to become a stay at home mom, and while I currently have a neighbor that seems to judge me for it (we have the same profession and I can swear he is picking on me, which my husband is awfully angry about): this is the best decision I made in my life. They are the reason I chose to start a business: to make my own schedule and be there for them until they don't need me anymore.

As to my husband... I still remember that time where I was coming back from a beer with my friends, at 2am, with the last bus. I texted him good night and he was still awake. He asked where I was, and when I said I am about to step out the bus to walk home, he called me, saying : I just want to make sure you walk home safe. How was your night? I felt safe, and loved. It wasn't overprotective, it was just a nice gesture, he didn't like me walking home alone at 2am in the morning in the neighborhood I lived in at the time. Remembering this is bringing tears to my eyes.

You are right, I did so much growing since I've had my daughter, that yes, I do feel like we are growing apart, like I outgrew him somehow. I embrassed my responsibilities and my role as a mother. And while he is a very good father, he loves his children, he stayed trapped in a teenager mind, resenting all the things we have to do as adults and feeling anger toward it all.

The thing is, our responsibilities and tasks are not what he is angry about... He lacks discipline. He is impulsive and entitled (his schema, clear as day). And while this worked perfectly fine when we didn't have children, now it is weighing me down...

Like you though, I am trying to lift him up, I am trying to wake him up, to open his eyes, I asked him to stop fleeing, I tried to explain him that our life is not what he is angry about, because I now know his parents and the kind of childhood he had... But he just won't look... And I see a deeply traumatized little boy, angry and I know he feels lonely too, but he won't recognize his anger stems for the past, from his parents neglect and invalidation. His trauma is not as "intense" as mine was, which seems to make it more difficult for him to grasp that it is just as bad... And that he needs to make peace with it.

I've come to realize there is no small trauma, just trauma... And we all need to confront it, at some point or another, to reach peace.

I wouldn't leave him. I know he loves me, even though he is impatient and angry. He has those lucid moments where he sees how much he lays on my shoulder and he is trying to step up, he does feel guilt and I think this is a way to reinforce his schema of not being good enough... I think he also needs time and space. And so, I am just trying to be right now...

I figured, the best way I can help him, is to stop his anger from controlling me. It's to stop tiptoeing and doing everything to make sure he won't be mad. It's to tell him to do it himself if he is pissed. It is to confront him when he is losing patience, and making him see how it impacts all of us to hear him rage like that. How it is not the end of the world that we don't follow his daily plan to the T. That is it okay to be flexible. I want to enjoy life and be spontaneous, not everything should be set in stones, life gets boring when it is. A routine if great, but he needs to be more flexible. And I can show him that gently... As long as it is out of love, and not by criticizing him, he usually listens... It is a learning curve for me as well.

I don't want to paint him as all black, he helped me get through a lot of my struggles too, he took me out of my home province and gave me the space and support I needed to become. And I owe him to keep fighting for us.

And yes... Imagine dragon and their last album was all I would listen to when I started therapy. The song "#1" is the song I put on whenever I need to give myself self compassion and love. I truly love his group, and my daughter's favorite song is "Thunder". Which, interestingly enough, makes me think of my husband a lot. Their lyrics really talk to me... The "Warrior" song gave me so much courage and a voice to my anger toward my mother. This is when I stopped saying survivor and started using warrior instead, like you. I love them. And somehow when I wrote this, I had a quick thought about you, like part of me knew you were also listening to them (I guess a lot of people do ), but I was talking to you when I wrote this post, looking for guidance. Weird, but if everyone has a sibling on this board, then you are mine! Kindred souls maybe. It makes me feel good too that you exist somewhere on this globe, being the mother you are and helping each other out, putting words on what we are going through. You are amazing too!

It's weird but sometimes, reading you, it's like a part of me is getting a very clear voice for me to listen to, recognize and validate.

[madeline7]

The veil has lifted. It is painful. I know because I am having similar feelings at the moment. For me, intermittent sadness and depression mixed with periods of emotional flashback and anger are part of my story. I am working hard to use my new insights now that the veil has been lifted;  to add a new story line, to add a new chapter. To be the author of my story from this point on.

[zachira]

It really hit me hard your statement about your husband: "I will not let him bully me anymore." I made the decision to not my family members and their flying monkeys bully me anymore and the extinction bursts have been a large part of my pain. You are standing up to some bullies in your family, and I wondering if in some ways you are being treated worse than before, or you feel the bullying more intensely because now you are fully aware of what is going on. You are strong and courageous, AND the bullies will have to find a new target at some point other than you.

[Riv3rW0lf]

I wondering if in some ways you are being treated worse than before, or you feel the bullying more intensely because now you are fully aware of what is going on.

I think I feel it more intensely in the sense where I now notice it, which I didn't before.

It is very subtile and I don't think he means to bully me, I think this is how he successfully got attention from his parents when he was young.. a learnt habit.

He gets angry and impatient when I need time for self-care, in an effort to push me to do it faster and have to spend less time with our children, whom he sees as my responsibility mostly... A friend of mine pointed to me how much I was doing in the house...

Then, when I finally explose, he feels guilty about it and some kind of balance is in place for a while but then it starts right back again.

The thing is: I don't have to let it get through to me... He can get stressed and impatient but those are HIS feelings and HIS problems. I should not rush myself, nor should I keep myself from asking him to do things around the house...

I think, in the end, if I really start asserting myself, he will do more because he does not have a PD and he does not want to hurt me. He does feel guilt and he does try to improve himself... But bullying is what he learned, what worked in his life, how he got attention as a child... And what he has to unlearn now...

But for him to unlearn it, I have to take responsibility for my own problems and weakness in asserting myself and not speaking up... In the end, this relationship will help me assert myself more with everyone...

I noticed recently even my neighbor picked up on something in me and allows himself to say things he really should not be saying... That I am always home (in a judging way), that I have so much time on my hands (because I am a stay at home mother), that I do nothing (I am actually very busy but I did, yes, decide to keep my children with me which he clearly does not value). He doesn't know me, yet he somehow thinks he can bully me... And the worst is : I say nothing. I freeze. Then I go home, talk with my husband and he gets very angry and tells me what to tell him... My husband is not a real bully, or he hates bullies because he sees himself in them, and this is a part he doesn't really like about himself... I'm not sure.

What is funny though is that I feel strong inside, I feel like I could take them both on... But something is just keeping me from doing it. I know the strong woman who can answer is there somewhere inside, I just have to be able to summon her whenever I need her, not just when my resentment is full and lose control. This is a work in progress.

[lm1109]

Riv3rwolf, This response made me genuinely smile. It's so comforting to have a kindred spirit out there and on this board. I really appreciate you on here, not even just for myself, you always give such kind, wise, and valuable advice to everyone...and it somehow always resonates and connects for me as well.

Last year my son (who was just 8) played an Imagine Dragons song called Birds for me(from the Origins album). He told me that when he listens to it he remembers and thinks about his Pap Pap, who had recently passed away from cancer. We played the lyric video and I was so amazed that he was already intuitively using music to heal and process. Music has always been and still is one of the best ways for me to process pain. So that's my go to song if I need a good cry. My kids favorite is also Thunder! My current favorite and anthem in life is No Time For Toxic People...I love it for very obvious reasons 

I think I feel it more intensely in the sense
I noticed recently even my neighbor picked up on something in me and allows himself to say things he really should not be saying... That I am always home (in a judging way), that I have so much time on my hands (because I am a stay at home mother), that I do nothing (I am actually very busy but I did, yes, decide to keep my children with me which he clearly does not value). He doesn't know me, yet he somehow thinks he can bully me... And the worst is : I say nothing. I freeze. Then I go home, talk with my husband and he gets very angry and tells me what to tell him... My husband is not a real bully, or he hates bullies because he sees himself in them, and this is a part he doesn't really like about himself... I'm not sure.

What is funny though is that I feel strong inside, I feel like I could take them both on... But something is just keeping me from doing it. I know the strong woman who can answer is there somewhere inside, I just have to be able to summon her whenever I need her, not just when my resentment is full and lose control. This is a work in progress.

I totally relate to this. Being a full time mother is not valued and I was harshly criticized for my decision to stay at home with my kids as well...even by people that I really cared about. It's not easy to choose to walk down a lonely and difficult path...but I can tell you it's worth it. My oldest is in 7th grade now and he is so balanced, kind, and strong. I had a moment last night when I was watching him take a leadership role during his track practice...I thought of how sick I was when I was his age: bulimic, bad grades, bad crowd, depressed, terrified of being judged, etc. All three of my kids are happy and secure and there is nothing that is more valuable to me than being present and on the sidelines cheering them on in all that they choose to pursue. The best part is that they have equally been cheering me on recently as I pursue my own goals in receiving further Yoga Certifications.

It's sad that the extremely draining(at times), isolating, and never ending job of being a mother is not valued...maybe this is why our society is so sick. You are doing what's best for your kids and also showing them an amazing example by simultaneously working on yourself both emotionally and academically.

As far as your neighbor goes... I have one of those too...as I type this the No Time For Toxic People song popped back into my mind. Lol. For me...sometimes the strong thing is saying nothing. The way I handle my passive aggressive neighbor is by smiling, waving, and keeping walking or driving. I no longer stop to talk...I don't owe her my time or energy. It seems simple...but for someone like me(with codependent and people pleasing tendencies) it was a real challenge and a revelation that I did NOT owe it to her to have a relationship and I can also consciously choose to not have a rift or confrontation(which is what many unhealed people crave and strive for)  If she begins talking to me, I politely excuse myself, because despite what anyone thinks: I AM actually very busy and I do NOT have excess energy for people who are not adding value to my life. I genuinely smile and wave at her and I've never spoken badly about her, even when other neighbors have to me. She simply doesn't own any space in my head or life and so her opinions are essentially meaningless now.

I feel for you and your situation...I'm in it too. Marriage, parenting, adulting, healing...it's A LOT and it's NOT easy...but it's not easy because you are doing it RIGHT. You are choosing to face the hard things head on and heal them for yourself and also for the benefit of everyone in your life. When you rise..you are lifting those you love up with you and being the force of change...and that IS a warrior! Having a board sibling makes this lonely journey a little less lonely. So thank you! 

[wantyousafe]

Dear Riv3rWOLF
Just sending best wishes and hugs.

[zachira]

You say you freeze inside. So normal to have more of the freeze response than fight or flight when we have been abused by our FOO. I have found the freeze response keeps me stuck, and moving all different parts of my body for an hour a day while I meditate really makes a difference in how I feel and what I am able to accomplish. Peter Levine writes a lot about the freeze response and how to deal with it, as do some other specialists who work with trauma and the body. What helps you with the freeze response?
You say you feel strong inside and do not say anything. Sometimes our inner wisdom lets us know that we see it and that it would not be safe to speak up until we know what would make sense to address what is going on that is making us feel so violated by the other person.  

[Riv3rW0lf]

You say you freeze inside. So normal to have more of the freeze response than fight or flight when we have been abused by our FOO. I have found the freeze response keeps me stuck, and moving all different parts of my body for an hour a day while I meditate really makes a difference in how I feel and what I am able to accomplish.

Yes, I agree. I was an avid runner in my early twenties, and still love high intensity training.  My therapist says I was likely fleeing, and maybe I was, but it made me feel alive. Maybe because I was frozen for so long, I just needed out, and yes, to flee, to run, to breathe ! Still today, if I don't do a HIIT, run or jumping rope, I also find I tend to become stuck in all aspects of my life, both mind and body.

Peter Levine writes a lot about the freeze response and how to deal with it, as do some other specialists who work with trauma and the body.

I will check him out! Thank you for the suggestion Zachira

You say you feel strong inside and do not say anything. Sometimes our inner wisdom lets us know that we see it and that it would not be safe to speak up until we know what would make sense to address what is going on that is making us feel so violated by the other person.  

I think this is a part of the reason why I don't say anything, and Im1109 gave another piece of it. Because it is a neighbor I don't know a lot about, I don't feel safe answering and I don't want to strain the relationship, since he is just next door, and I actually enjoy my small talks with his wife... So I can see the baits, but part of me is forcing me to stay silent, while another part does people pleasing. Now that I think about it more, I don't really mind the silent part, I can see wisdom in it...however, the people pleasing side who is justifying and joking around, acting as if nothing is wrong...this one I don't like that much.

Next time, I am thinking of simply answering, nicely: "what do you you mean by that exactly?" (It is what my husband told me to ask, and also what my therapist told me I could tell my mother in law when she covertly criticizes me). A polite way to call him out.

But yes, it's my tendancy to do people pleasing that I dislike. I should not feel like I have to please someone who is being mean to me. This is just another way to invalidate myself. I don't have to be friend with everyone, really. Not everyone likes me, and I don't like everyone...

I am at a moment of my life where I really want to be more with like-minded people, find my tribe, in a way... 

[Riv3rW0lf]

Last year my son (who was just 8) played an Imagine Dragons song called Birds for me(from the Origins album). He told me that when he listens to it he remembers and thinks about his Pap Pap, who had recently passed away from cancer. We played the lyric video and I was so amazed that he was already intuitively using music to heal and process. Music has always been and still is one of the best ways for me to process pain. So that's my go to song if I need a good cry. My kids favorite is also Thunder! My current favorite and anthem in life is No Time For Toxic People...I love it for very obvious reasons  

Yes, I listen to No Time for Toxic People a lot too! And Birds is also one I really like. And I agree for children intuitively using music to heal and process. You were the one to give me the idea to listen to the music I really enjoyed when I was a little girl and the album I preferred has, for whole theme, emotional and physical abuse. I was mesmerized at how much my little RiverWolf seemed to know exactly what was happening to her, without being able to tell anyone clearly.

I totally relate to this. Being a full time mother is not valued and I was harshly criticized for my decision to stay at home with my kids as well...even by people that I really cared about. It's not easy to choose to walk down a lonely and difficult path...but I can tell you it's worth it. My oldest is in 7th grade now and he is so balanced, kind, and strong. I had a moment last night when I was watching him take a leadership role during his track practice...I thought of how sick I was when I was his age: bulimic, bad grades, bad crowd, depressed, terrified of being judged, etc. All three of my kids are happy and secure and there is nothing that is more valuable to me than being present and on the sidelines cheering them on in all that they choose to pursue. The best part is that they have equally been cheering me on recently as I pursue my own goals in receiving further Yoga Certifications.

I am happy to read that, not the part about you struggling, but the part about your children blooming and becoming healthy individuals. I often get anxious for my children, always trying to be at my absolute best for them and criticizing myself harshly when I fail. Now I am allowing myself more and more to be imperfect and to take care of myself... I reckon this is a better example for them, a mother who assert herself politely and take care of herself... After all, this is what I wish for them.

Congratulations in getting your Yoga Certifications! It is a great goal! I remember you saying something to the effect of using yoga to heal from trauma. I would take a class like that to be sure !

I feel for you and your situation...I'm in it too. Marriage, parenting, adulting, healing...it's A LOT and it's NOT easy...but it's not easy because you are doing it RIGHT. You are choosing to face the hard things head on and heal them for yourself and also for the benefit of everyone in your life. When you rise..you are lifting those you love up with you and being the force of change...and that IS a warrior! Having a board sibling makes this lonely journey a little less lonely. So thank you!  

Thank you for this, I am sending you a big hug as well!